Wow - Part Deux...

And now for a little fictitious skit for you kiddos out there...

"Sleep, rest and recovery...all needed in ways that you couldn't imagine yet something happened on the way to recovery....

Somebody made a "suggestion" to me:

"Wouldn't it be great to just leave everything behind?  Everyone you've known and loved.  Everyone you helped.  All your online ID's and your writing?  Yes, they bring you great joy but they are also the cause for most of your stress and confusion..." "Forget who you were yesterday and become someone else tomorrow"...

You know what kind of people make "suggestions" like this?  Pussies that are too afraid to face men like me and use words that by right may or may not require demands but are too weak to do anything themselves.  I respect the man or woman that is open is honest with me and doesn't hide behind any kind of bullshit to make them seem bigger than they are.  I "see" everyone.  I "see" how big you are and how big you "think" you are and I'm sad to say that alot of folks have misplaced delusions of grandeur.  Here is something that is certain:  I cannot be influenced or intimidated, my standing in My Lord will never allow either to take place lol  Furthermore, I become a danger to them that try...

So to my "suggestion"...simply put..."Stop wasting your time...use words"

Back to sleep..."

Nice fiction right?  Glad you liked it!!! lol

~Moses Apollo

Three Types...

Three types of people become evident when you choose to live life in transparency:

First:  The type that is so used to playing everyone for some level of control that they do so even without malice.  They will present facades even for the sake of good but they are hardly ever truly themselves.  Seeing them for what they are, they will recoil from you because they know no other way to be and since you see through that, they find no way to exact an upper hand or stay in some form of control.  You will lose these.

Second:  The type that plays everyone to an extent as a defense mechanism.  They are afraid of being themselves for fear of what others may think.  Too strange, too crazy...uncool.  These present their facades at first but once they see that you see through that and are still interested in who they are really are...you become a breath of fresh air.  They know they can be themselves around you without judgement.  A gift that in the long run...keeps on giving as they soon feel free enough to be themselves everywhere else.

Third:  The type that doesn't play at all and just speaks whatever comes to mind.  This my friends, is a transparent in the making.  On the road to transparency, there are many bumps and bruises you have to be willing to take before you come to understand the wisdom of prudence.  Not everything that pops into your head will "edify" and if it doesn't in the setting where you are, prudence will tell you to keep it yourself.  What many do not understand is that transparency takes boldness.  A boldness that is willing to be the only one among a thousand to stand up against the tide.  A boldness that will risk being humiliated by the crowd due to your stance.  A boldness that sees being true to oneself as more important than keeping friends around that don't know the real you and wouldn't accept you if they did.  These transparents in the making will think you "soft" for your prudence at first but you will just chuckle because they will soon come round to the wisdom of prudence.

My blog has lately served as my only distraction away from my projects.  Today, necessitated another.  I am always glad to be able to "see".  Anyway...back to my labors of "love"...

~Moses

I Am Ready - A Poem by Moe

"I am covered in skin, no one gets to come.in.  Pull me out from inside..."

what storms horizons bring

for new songs yet to sing

with breaks upon the rock

for stronger bones to stock

I am ready

what lonely paths travail

as all walk on to wail

what stoic face is mine

that masks concealed divine

I am ready

what meetings had with glee

as storm makes way from me

that tendered moments true

should last a lifetime through

I am...ready...

~Moses

What Of It?

There is no greater constant than how I see love.  There is nothing greater than that for me since I came to know it through my King.  I don't care what religion you subscribe to or what your heaven looks like.  In my case, I learned how to love through the power of the sacrifice of Christ.  The many times I fell short and the innumerable times I've turned my back, He has always shown me immeasurable grace.  Ours is a friendship that has spanned the course of child, student, teacher, minister to finally...friend.  I to Him am one of those He refers to when He says "I have this friend, he's a good egg with issues but those issues never prevented my ability to teach him well".  Folks, I found the perfect purity of love in Him and have since been blessed to understand how to translate that love into human terms.  Sounds academic for something as lofty as love huh?  Yet it is the way of most things.  Everything has it's engine and if you want to master anything, take it apart and find out how and why it works.

You start with something perfect and pure operating as it should.  Study it and figure out how it is meant to work.  Then you look to apply it by looking at real world examples in humans.  You begin to see how something with a mark of 10 on the purity scale could drop substantial points once infected by human frailty.  Love is, at best, impure among us mortals so our best is to understand it in it's purity and come as close to it as we can.  The closest I ever could come was in the heart of the human parent.  I could never understand the many times my mother showed grace to us when we didn't deserve it.  A logical mind would dismiss a soul that has treated them badly but there are times when love requires us to transcend the logic we live by.  She would tell us, "So long as I have a roof over my head...you will too...no matter what" and she has proven her love time and time again.  When I became a parent, this love crystallized into something palpable and expected until now...it has become commonplace for me.

Yet I find myself at times torn between the love I live and the unrealistic expectations placed upon that love.  Some assume that love can overcome consequence but I will tell you now that if you smack me across the face to test my love, I will continue to love you after I have smacked you back twice as hard .  To believe that one deserves love simply because it is professed to them irrespective of what they do or say is the epitome of arrogance.  Forgiveness is plentiful in love and comes even without asking but consequence is something forgiveness can never blot out.  Everything has it's cause and effect.  Oftentimes I am perplexed to see some get upset when my stance rightfully changes towards them due to something occurring.  It makes no difference if what is occurring is good or bad because most times, it's just life as has been the case with me many a time.  If it requires me to move, then I must.  I'll give you an example: You do your best to build a ledge for three to fit comfortably but wait, the person you are building it with doesn't understand why it should be built for three so you digress and this beautiful ledge for two is built.  Three people cannot stand on a ledge built for two.  Build it for three and I'll be fine but don't expect me to hang on for dear life as I'm shoved off with nowhere to stand.  It works for no one.  I may find myself having to move but rest assured...I am still somewhere close by.  My love lives without rules.  Me on the other hand?  Yeah, I have rules...

To those that have known me for years...I have proven it.  They can attest that no matter how long between the times we've spoken or seen each other, there is never been or ever shall be a change in my heart for them.  Even in the midst of disagreements and misunderstandings I am not one to quit on anyone that hasn't quit on me.  So if I ever professed my love for you...understand that it is a real and constant thing.  How I choose to manifest that love will always be dependant on the circumstances before me but make no mistake...I will always be pretty damn close.  In the end, all can change, my love will not...accept it.  Now whether one does or doesn't, it is the only thing I cannot control...so I don't even try anymore...neither should you...much love...

~Moses 

Fuck My Filter - A Poem by Moe

drip drains from my steely vein

to taste the mix of feel

cut open as I timely slain

those sullen eyes that heal

bloodshot eyes with lust and fire

cum drippin takes me whole

close my wounded bent desire

entreat my savage soul 

quiver legs to wrap round hips

nails dig in deep to bore

my tidy noted rhythmic dips

all easy drips for more...

~Apollo

When A Wordsmith Happens...

If this day was the water in a cup...it'd be stale.  Some might say "stale?"  I'd say "Yeah...google the word"...(as though "googling" was a proper verb)

Whose response would most likely illicit a "So what's the significance of that word?"  I'd say "there is no significance!!!"  Then turn with a slight smirk... 

Sometimes there is no deeper meaning than what you are reading right now but sometimes...just sometimes...there is...

"As she said goodnight, my eyes had not yet acclimated to the lights being turned off.  Her walk seemed ominous as she disappeared into the darkness of the room...as if into darkness itself"

"Quick-witted, stick-fitted and shut off from all peers doomed unto a uniqueness extinction by the very nature of their souls direction brought on by nothing short of dullen infection.  Cry out for respite from all the lonely un-alone in this wonderwheel it's on called life.  Yeah, my little one, call it wife when it's altogether something different.  Lie to it's life and make it believe the untruth of it's make believe existence until the wake-up call comes as it supposed to...too fuckin late.  Forever I can quantify out of the lie most think it is but who has time for "too fuckin late?"...time to wake up to songbirds and sunsets.  If you could see them, you can share them..."

~Moses Apollo Apolinaris

Peeves...

Tell me please how many of you boys have an attractive girlfriend that personally believe she is above your physical league?  Ok, you on the left there with the big ass ears.  Yes...you.  Listen to me very carefully.  I know you can with them ears.  Your girl is into ears!!!  Stop makin her feel bad because growin up your uncle constantly said "taxi!!!" and you developed a complex.  Be happy that you have a hot girlfriend that sees something in you that you do not.

Now, I'm making light of a serious issue I feel the need to address since I have noticed myself to be a "trigger" for insecure boyfriends.  Most of whom need not feel insecure in the slightest!!!  Have you ever been standing on a train platform listening to your music, mindin your own damn business as a couple walks towards you.  The girl looks your way and the boyfriend decides to block her view with his body.  I have even seen boyfriends fuckin mouth "don't look at him!!!" until he feels the need to move from my view altogether.  I get that shit in real life and I get it on social media.  It is disgusting and sad to me when any display must be made based on something that is solely going on inside his insecure little mind.  It has even made me change cars at times to spare the girl any more embarrassment and so begins my screed...

Insecurity is catalyzed by two main protagonists.  First, the one that is self-inflicted.  This is the one that doesn't know or cannot accept their level of attraction or inner worth.  The second is caused by betrayal.  This is the one that has been cheated on and is not looking for repeat so they will do everything in their power to exact a level of control that is unhealthy for any relationship.  As for you insecure folk?  You are most likely in the first category and have an unexplained hot woman that is head over heels for you.  Your insecurities have you asking why.  So let me talk at you all for a bit...  

There are two reasons women choose the "so-so" over the "wow".  First, you have the insecure women that want to be able to say without saying "I'm the best you'll get so don't fuck up".  These women mistakenly believe that you will be a great catch and give her anything she wants but what she rarely ever adds into that equation is the insecurities that may exacerbate in you simply because she chose you.  You may come to believe she is using you for whatever reason because of course, she can't be with you for you right?  She must be fuckin the "wow" everytime she leaves your side.  You will then do one of two things:  Be passive in your discontent showing just signs that you are unhappy when she gets accolades from another or you will blatantly hound her on what she's doing and who she's with.  Either case will seal your fate unless she is of the other kind...

The second woman just sees in you a good man.  She's had the "wow" and found them superficial and empty so she sought out the "so-so" and found gold in you.  Read that last part again..."gold".  You have value to her and she is sticking with you no matter what.  That is, until you fuck it up by your insecurities.  There is one thing you have to understand my friend.  No matter what fine ass woman you score irrespective of her intent, if you feel that she is above you physically and that her suitors are even higher, then your insecurities will always be a problem for both of you.  It all depends on how you see yourself.  Some of you are straight grimey and some women dig that but stand next to someone that isn't and you will feel like less.  So if you know you can clean up nice then do so.  Let her see that she has more in you than the "nice guy".  Now, if you clean up nice and she starts to complain?  Red flag that shit because chances are she is the insecure kind that went for you because she wanted the physical upper-hand.  If she gets all giddy and wants to show you off, then she is for you as you are and is elated that her choice not only runs excellent, but has a great exterior as well.

Normally I would be telling women to choose equal or above their pay-grade when it comes to physical attraction due to the insecurity issue but since I've done that already, I figured I'd give my boys some advice.  I have a brother that had himself a fine ass woman that got hit on everywhere she went.  He did not see himself in her league so to overcompensate for his physical shortcomings, he 1) Rocked her in bed and 2) Paid her bills and literally kept her home in order.  Yet still with all this, there were things she would do in front of him he considered disrespectful because she knew his insecurities.  After 8 months of her giving him shit in different ways, I gave him some advice.

I let him know that after all he's been doing, he not only deserved her respect but gratitude as well as any real human being would offer freely.  I let him know that she was well aware she would never find another him and that it was time he voiced his displeasure with what was bothering him.  Now I'm not talking about some petty shit she was doing.  I just can't say what she was doing because it would give away who I'm talking about but I can tell you that anyone that would hear it would say he was crazy to take it...even women.  Gents, he put his foot down and she complied.  To keep him, she became a better woman...for awhile.  Old habits die hard and he finally said "fuck it".  You know why he said "fuck it?"  He found the thing he was missing within himself.  His value...

I don't give a shit how fine she is and how many men want to do her.  If she has chosen you in earnest, then you shouldn't have a thing to worry about nor should you need assurances every 5 minutes as her character will do that on it's own.  If she decides to fuck shit up?  Then be happy that you lost someone that didn't deserve you and move the fuck on whistling a tune.  Don't ever allow your insecurities to become the reason for your break-up.  Use this opportunity to see the greater man she sees in you.  Once you do...own it my brothers...I'm out

~Moses Apollo

This Or That - A Poem by Moe

in "this" they're blessed with work of art

whose love has held them from it's start

in "that" this work is not their own

but watched with care to whom it's loan

in "this" they taste the fruit most nights

that craves to share with them delights

in "that" they'll wash a bowl of fruit

that's emptied by some piper's flute   

in time they see "that" draws a huff

for selfish pride says that's enough

and angered do they set their hat

to fight the crawl from "this" to "that"

but let us look into their fame

and wonder who sees them the same

what have they been to them that sat

in wait to meet their "this" or "that"

reminding selfish heart of times

when calloused went their soulish crimes

that maimed a heart with soft caress

inflicting pain with kissed finesse

so children wake from selfish pride

that truth received no longer hide 

let humbled heart be placed as hat

for love finds more than "this" or "that"

~Moses Apollo

What's Real Inside - A Poem by Moe

his empty words tranced silent rooms

let out by hungry lonely grooms

are placed in open airy zones

for minds to grasp the true unknowns

unknowns that secret souls confess

by way of open hearts express

the need for truth in arts design

that keeps us drinking couraged wine

so let us crack and spill our oil

within the hungered dried up soil

that cries for truth as eyes confide

the need to grasp what's real inside

~Moses

Heavy...

"'Take me down to the river bend

Take me down to the fighting end

Wash the poison from off my skin

Show me how to be whole again..."

"Heavy" is the feeling one has in their spirit when something isn't right.  When something is way off balance due to a "happening" taking place on the inside or out.

Sometimes we get stuck.  Stuck in things and places we thought were safe.  Places we came to find at depth...were just not for us but have decided to put a blind eye to that glaring reality.  Such is the case with most band-aids.  What was supposed to be a temporary fix until you made it the hospital for proper care, turned out to only make the wound worse and may just turn out to be the very thing that is now preventing you from ever making it to the hospital at all.  Yet you insist via two schools of thought: "this is the best I can do for now..." and "maybe this can work...".  A struggle with two sides that no matter how you look at them, will result in a loss.  Gangrene will eventually set in and without the proper care...and you will lose the limb.

Why?  Pride.  It's what happens when we try to outsmart our hearts or good judgment.  Instead of following one or the other, we think it best to give our hearts and judgement a little something to keep them "OK".  Something that only serves to drive you further away from what they were trying to lead you towards in the first place.  If I have learned anything in this life worth sharing it's this:  Never shortchange your heart or your good judgement.  Neither can be assuaged by substitution or half-assed attempts to placate them.  Follow these wholeheartedly or not at all as their council comes from an honest place.  If all is in order and balanced...they will never steer you wrong...

I cannot think of anything in my life at the moment that would move me to write this for myself but if this fits in the soul of you the reader?  Go back to the place in your mind where you decided to put that band-aid on and rip it off.  Get to the hospital your judgement or heart was leading you to in the first place and take back your balance...I'm out

~Moses