Never been a coward ('cause it's a east side thing)
Just step right up to the girl with the big fat
Hell of a rump, yo, the pumps and a bump, uh"
To answer this question here... I dig what my boy Tariq used to call "Big Bodies". Does that mean going into unhealthy "plumper" territory? Absolutely not. I describe "Big Bodies" as having a decent supply of muscle, meat or both. If the thin beauty got some shape, that too implies some muscle and she won't get hurt. Yes... you read that correctly... "hurt". From what? Violence? Hell no... from coupling sessions that might go off the rails. You think I'm kidding or saying this as a "flex"? I'm seriously not. I am a "large" man and it doesn't seem to have an end. On top of that, my strength seems to be shooting through the roof as well... heart failure my ass. Not even really killin myself... so be it but yes... God is good :-)
So "now you know my speed... and knowing is half the battle!!!" Now... while you lightweights are out there criticizing women with some meat on em or a bit too much muscle as "unhealthy" or "unfeminine"... I'm thinkin to myself, "you have NO IDEA what you're missing!!!" lol On a side note: I say the same about women over 38 as well!! You young pups ain't ready for that!! Won't last over 3 minutes if she's seasoned lol Yes ladies... you ARE seen by those who actually count...
Ok!! Answered!! Good?!? It's not the only reason why I dig what I dig but that should satisfy the curious. Don't ask anymore... easy peasy... I'm out!!
~moses apollo
PS: What was the point of this one? I always have a point... unless I don't ;-)
She whispers in the dark... awakened from another fever dream she prayed would continue on through the night. She gasps at every flash of memory she succumbs to. A flash of him kissing her gently "a sweet hello" on the lips. A make out session that turns into a full on feeding. To then flash into another scene... he is entranced and shirtless... sensually kissing her inner thigh. On to another... his tounge intentionally slowly grazing just between her succulent from its bottom to the pinnacle of its pleasure. To finally flash into her own point of view... with eyes slightly closed... furiously riding him to her satisfaction. She... leaning her head back as legs tense into implosion, can only shriek a long, "F****CK!!". All the while, he... can only be described as lost in the moment of ecstatic primal passion... the place he professes to be most at ease. Motivated by a sense of the divine that translates effortlessly between heaven and earth... between sky... and skin. Purposed... and placed for the moment. All flashes of a dream she is still recovering from. Gasping for "steady" in her bed, her hands looking for a place to settle on her moist, slippery skin, she whispers to herself... "What the f*ck is this? WHO is this man to me?"
"Is he the one I read, bed and fed?... or the one I kept, left and wept? Can he be a variation of both without the "keeping"? He seems to appear when I need him to balm the cuts to my soul and the hunger of my skin and doesn't care to burden or satisfy me by overstaying his welcome. It's a healing and a hurt so fine and both keep me wondering what this is. I try to forget but he finds me when I seem to really need him... and what's worse? He might be completely oblivious to it all. All I know is that he doesn't mind "being" what I need in the moment but seems he's the kind that could never be officially tied down himself. Can some of this be better than none of this? Isn't none of it safer for me? Can I live with these kinds of discreet "visits" to my ecosystem without the disruption "staying" might cause... or is this flighted feeling good enough for someone seasoned enough by their measure of life? But even now... I can still taste his lips on my supple... still... pulsing..."
Is this me?... You?... Or someone else too? Beautiful & complex... lovely, fleeting, quaint & kind. Passion on the sails of "now" resting on the mind. This crazy, sexy, cool called "the hunger vibe"... I transcribe to inscribe what's mine alone to imbibe. Sweetest dreams...
My friend leaned over and straight out asked me: "What it is it with you? Why do you have this effect? I get the muscle and looks but some of these women just get silly!!" I chuckled and said "Well... that ain't but a "crush giggle" from the tickle... and THAT, can be a double-edged sword" lol He asked me what I meant...
Of all people, he was one to talk. He had this chick crushin on him badly. What's worse... he liked her too. This is why he asked the question. He wanted to know what to do and in his case, the answer would not be an easy one. What makes it a double-edged sword? Well, if the one with a crush is just that... "the one with a crush"... you can let that go and let it be what it is but if you dig them too? Good luck with that. Why? Because a crush implies that there have been vivid imaginations of love making, hand holding, soft times together and the occasional explosive "f*ck" session that most likely aided in a diddle or two. A whole lifetime of moments lived out in their head. Even your first meeting has a script set up already with a sense of expectation that can easily turn into a let-down if you're not careful. In these cases, the one with the crush will either be too afraid to face the fantasized lover (fearing they or the fantasy might not meet expectations) or they might not want to ruin the fantasy by taking a chance at reality. The "giggles" happen when they instinctively feel you can read their funky thoughts about you just being in their presence or you just did somethin they've imagined you've done a few times in glee. Watching this unfold with the "giggles" can be both fun and cute but if you dig them? It's like "ok?!? wth man?!?" lol
I can recall the first time something like that happened to me. I was in Junior High and I was just beginning to get the silly responses. So much so that my male peers would laugh at my frustration of the insanity of it all. I should have been indulging at the time but I had no mind for that. I had zero game... I was just a kid. Well, among the admirers, there was one that had a crush on me and she was letting everyone know it. That might have been the first time I actually attempted to see what would happen if I "made a move". I remember approaching her to say "hi" and to my astonishment, she froze and had no idea what to say. Her eyes welled up and she literally ran away lol I asked my female friends what I did wrong and they said that she was so into me... she was scared of me. I didn't understand it then but I do now and although it's an amazing compliment... it can be the most frustrating thing to face. A few days later at recess, I approached her again and we talked. She couldn't have been sweeter. She would be moving later that year so nothing ever came of it but she was happy and it was the first time I felt good just being human to someone that thought me larger than life. In truth... it was humbling to be seen like that and it still is when it happens. If there is anything you take from this piece, I pray that it's the understanding that this is a "power" folks and as such, you can use it for both good or bad. Understand that you are granted this "power" by the idealized version of a lover in the mind of the one crushin on you. To be clear... you are NOT "the sh*t" because of it. Appreciate it and see it for what it actually is... a sweet blessing.
Now due to my level of transparency, it just so happens that I usually wind up being what you've imagine me to be and I've been known to meet the mark on a few "fantastic" moments from time to time BUT... as a human being. In other words, you want the fantasy? You gotta accept the reality too and sometimes... it just ain't sexy. I try to convey this from jump even if it costs me some "power" but when it works out... it REALLY works out. When it doesn't? I know how to mitigate it so that it ain't so bad. In either case, I will NEVER take advantage or be an ass about it. For someone with a crush to take a chance coming forward takes a beautiful courage and vulnerability that should be nurtured and protected... even if it doesn't work out in your favor.
As for my friend, it didn't work out for him. She dug the idea of him and didn't want to ruin it. I told him to just get to know her but he, like many men these days, isn't too keen on making first moves so if she won't... he don't lol Yeah, that ain't gonna happen lol I'm out...
"Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine"
There is this love that is tailored maid for the "IDGF"'s of the world. It's reckless, it's insane and it's beautiful in it's uniqueness. Near impossible for men and women of reason and innate value to fully comprehend. Made probable only through an artistic fine-lined combination of compartmentalized perspective and abandon. It is humbling, pure and vulnerable and it translates as it should among family, friends and lovers in it's caring, affection and passion. It forgives, renews and restores... and I choose this love. I choose to hold on to it, to do my best to nurture it and to live out it's principals. As it was shown to me from my Lord... so may I show it to others as best I could. I only ask for Him to make my heart bigger, my caring firmer and my passion... all the more fierce. All to accommodate such a beautiful gift I sometimes still find my own human frailty unworthy of... I'm out
I think I might've had one of the biggest blowouts with someone I love today and what struck me most was how indifferent I was to the bad blood between us. I didn't care about their circumstances, feelings or anything as I once did before and their empty insults bounced right off the wall I erected for them. Now some might call that a win and if I wasn't supposed to care about someone as much as is required of me to love this person... I'd say the same. This is close blood we're talkin about and there is no way they can afford to have me no longer care and the truth is... I can't afford it either. I will never lose sight of what's important... even if it should cause me pain.
This distressed me greatly and I prayed my Lord not let my love grow cold... He answered straightaway. Almost as though my request was led by Him for me to make... and all I'm left with now is an almost unbearable pain I need to reconcile. As much as this hurts, to no longer care for this person would be the greater evil. Yet now, this weight has me asking: How do you put back together pieces of a thing that now lives in broken places? How do you even move towards forgiveness dodging irrational punches from the same person you need to forgive? You really can do nothing but wait and keep praying your love never wanes cold. As you wait in rooms that do everything to remind you of the obstacles you need to overcome. To face them head on until you have no choice but to see them for what they are. Without escape... you wait in a pool of numbing hope. Nothing can move you now...
Folks, true love never really dies. Whether it be for family, friends or lovers, when it's real... it endures. It can however be drowned out by louder voices we give audience to on a daily basis and for me, if those voices are coming from pride, greed, envy, self-inflicted pain etc... they will not do. I will feel what I need to but I will not stop loving the way I was designed to. In this is all that I am and will ever hope to become. The only saving grace I see is found in the probability of a truth I have come to accept; that after strong hardship... comes a strong blessing. God knows I need it... it's time. Let's go... I'm out...
"this is a place where I don't feel alone. this is a place where I feel at home..."
Well it's been quite an interesting journey since last years epiphanies have taken hold. I've seen many good things enter my life as other things seem to have crept out a back door thinkin I wasn't paying attention... but it's ok lol Humans gonna "human" all the time. My only gripe is that I know it didn't have to be like that since my front door remains unlocked for a reason. It's so folk can come and go as they please... just be respectful when you do it. To gain access to me is to give you access to my home... something I do not do lightly. I need no giftings, praise or accolade. All I ask is that this fact be an appreciated one. Yet tonight, as I pondered how things are entering new beginnings, I truly believe I have enough on my "list". What list? The initial small army of greats I endeavor to aid in lifting up from different vantage points of life. All to build a place... "where I feel at home". Folks, in the course of someone's life, there are points of major change. Change that can alter their course in a major way towards peace, joy, love or purpose. To be one of those points immortalizes you in the course of their history. They don't even have to know it was you and it means so much more when there is zero need to reciprocate. That you know you did it is enough and THAT builds a castle inside you that can never be torn down. What? You didn't know? No... ya'll had NO IDEA lol
There are MANY things that I do and WILL do that will be misconstrued, judged and scorned inwardly by those too chicken sh*t to ask. Some MAY be obvious but with me... there's usually something more goin on. It only reveals itself later on because I just don't see the need to explain myself to people that should be trusting what they know of me already. I'm so over that junk it's unreal. Across the spectrum... I honestly have outspent all my f*cks. I have NO MORE to give. Instead of becoming an ass, cold, uncaring or indifferent, I endeavor to take this attitude and do some really interesting things with it. Why do people take the "idgf" to mean "destruction"? If our motives now get criticized in "building" just the same... would doing that instead without any thought to motive be just as liberating? The answer is a resounding yes!! It should be both fulfilling and fun for someone like me.
I am who I am and I will do what I do... take it or leave it. I'm out...
"ask it of me... and I will give you what you ask"
and she will say:
"I have everything I need but if I were to ask of you one thing it would not be a need but a "want"... a deep desire instead... only you my love..."
and that will be a day to begin the days... for in a world that has need to tear him into pieces to spin on, wholeness & peace becomes priceless. an oasis for him to come to when grown weary from purpose... unconditional, fearless and bold. he always knew... few, if any ever did...
You are beautiful to me. A creation based on the same mindset that waxed poetic enough to draw out the sun, the moon and the stars. All the heavenly signs used to proclaim "I love you" have all been etched into your souls' design... uniquely outlined in the way you fit in nowhere... and everywhere. Label-less... faceless... and nameless... you draw and release... carry and set-aside. Preferring what you find beautiful by what draws your soul no matter what anyone else thinks and it is a privilege to "see" you. As I see the "you" everyone ignores. The "you" it takes too much "trouble" to get to know. The "you" most can only quantify by saying "there's just something about her"... and it's that "you" that turns me in... and turns me on. Yes... your body is a work of art to me. One I've imagined worthy of the worth-ship that can only come from the stroke of my brush and from the purest pain exacerbated by the hunger of my passion. Yes... your shape meets my need to read the cover but it's "you" that has me wanting to find out what happens in the chapters I've yet to read. My minds eye tastes your body at night as my days bless my waking eyes with the possibilities produced by dreams whose colors are so unique they can only come from hearts akin to our own. All slowly convalescing into a reality designed by destiny itself... and I am grateful that time has lost it's grip on me.
Now my loves... weigh out duty and desire... which do you surrender to? Honor says "duty"... I say "both if you can". Yet I am oft prevented by the prisms of convention so many have been conditioned to see through. Which is why I often ask that you see me as I am... not as the label you've affixed to me demands. These days, a soul like mine is hardly ever believed or understood due to that prism as it portends to offer insight into the human physique when all it really does is keep people from broadening their hearts of understanding. Why bother if you have all the answers right? Why listen? Just draw your conclusion based directly off the label. I've seen so many fall away from me because of it. They thought I would do a thing or felt a certain way because they have labeled me into a certain category. Something that puts a bad taste in my mouth every single time. You see I had to make sense to them... and the labels of the day would often lead them to a negative that was never even a part of the character I represented. Part of me is grateful because it has weeded out those that would never accept me as I am. Yet there is another part that understands something; that as more fall in line with convention based in group think... there will be very little room for folk like me. That means that I will need to create a life that fits into me because in time, I will eventually come to fit into nothing (if it hasn't happened already). There is a melancholy to this without sadness that keeps opening my eyes to specific truths and as such... steadies my soul into an unmatched resolve. Now... come and see me as I am...
I began this piece writing about how in love with all that you are I am and now you might be wondering why I wrote the second paragraph. It is because the second informs the first. Without being the person I am... nothing in the first paragraph could be true. I cannot be anything else. I "see" you as only I can... as only a misfit can. As only... a free man can. To love without condition. To care without agenda. Both easily faked but when real... requires a free mind and a heart free enough to float aligned with it. This is who I am... and it's who I will always be. Free your mind my loves... keep it free... I'm out...
