You Have NO Idea...

"I wanna touch the light, the heat I see in your eyes"

...how much I HATE f*ckin games. I can tolerate the players sometimes as some play as a form of survival (oh no, he's doing that nuance thing again) and not simply out of malice or a self-indulgent power trip. I tend to judge them based on circumstance, but the games themselves are always a serious turn-off for me, and I will tell you why...

It is because a) they don't work on me as I see them from a mile away, and b) they are NOT NEEDED with me. This in turn, makes them a serious nuisance. Let me be clear, I dig conversation... not manipulation. Nothing a woman does or says outside of wooing me with her heart, life, mind and soul will draw me to love her or want her even more than I already do. Jealousy bits don't work as I will tell the dude, "Enjoy!!" and sincerely wish you well. Using tactics to get me to "chase" you won't work as I'll just match the same energy that will ultimately create a void. "Sexing" me till I can't walk would be a blast, but sexual compatibility is only one part of the equation and compliments? I graciously accept them but take them with a grain of salt as they can become fickle when found to be driven by agenda. In other words... I can not be pushed, pressured or manipulated into the rolls you want me to play, but I, like every other human being, can be persuaded, and no, it doesn't involve jumping through hoops or human sacrifice. It's as simple as asking and allowing me to think about it. No? You can't do that? Why? Cause you were taught that you would be relinquishing some sort of imagined power by doing so? Oh no!! I might come to find out you REALLY want me!! Oh, the humanity!! Lookey here now, a child believes that gives me power (and there are MANY adult children out there), but a real man takes something like that and honors it because the rarity of its courage makes it special... humbling. He doesn't use it to manipulate or abuse, but I understand why most are afraid to be so vulnerable, yet THAT is what makes such a thing so special to me.

The problem today is that this is all I hear and read from men and women. "Advice" shoveled straight out the pit of hell by so-called "influencers" that aint nothin but "tactics." They dont involve conversation, understanding, or love. It has fueled a gamesmanship that has created a polarization between the sexes. I should be able to tell you what I want so you can decide with all transparency and truth if that's something you'd be ok with, and you should be able to do the same. I'm not gonna spaz out or even change on you. I'm not that way, and I have proven it over the years to those that know me. Takes folk awhile, but they finally figure out that with me, there is no other shoe to drop. There is no secret intent or agenda. Some will take that and honor it while others, seeing that I can't be manipulated... leave or change on me altogether. All of a sudden, all that "you're so great" encouraging talk goes cold or even takes an opposing turn when their goal becomes unachievable and that, to me, is the worst game of all. I never do that...its f*cking grimey as hell. All I did was give you what all women say they want: the truth upfront. If I called you beautiful and said I loved you, it will not change just because things didn't go my way. Sadly today...that is the norm.

Now I bet some of you are wondering what inspired such a rant. I just saw something today on a platform that set me off like you wouldn't believe. I saw two people that started great and wound up in the worse way imaginable. Why? Games... How do I know? One decided to air the whole thing for the world to see. Revealing that it appears they took the "modern" way towards "love". Seemingly beautiful heartfelt encouraging words turned vitriolic at the end and it had me wondering who was at fault. Society...or those that get easily sucked in by those teaching gamesmanship to keep themselves from even the risk of getting hurt or embarrassed. What I saw can utterly disgust me all it wants but the truth of this age will never change me...

I still choose the vulnerability of the fool. The idiot that stands outside her window with a boom box willing to get sued from copyright infringement. I'll even wear a black trenchcoat with rolled up sleeves (if you dont know the reference...go away). I choose to be fearless in my abandon even as I use wisdom and experience to mitigate any scrapes or bruising but never take me as someone... that can ever be played. Keep it real...or don't keep it at all. I will leave you holding the rope...and I will do it with a dispassionate albeit disappointed smile. So what pray tell is the holy grail for me? Honesty as a constant...in love, understanding, desire and passion. I'm out...

~moses apollo

Note To Self...

Never say never but never say always

Sometimes can be good for you

Try to be kinder to people who bore you

You're probably boring them too

Never say one thing and wish for another

For which of the two will come true?

If you can love it then it will most likely love you

Never say never and don't be so clever

It's lonely to win every fight

Never say something you wouldn't like hearing

If you can't be nice, be polite

Like you do one thing is how you do everything

But you can't do everything right

All of the time

All of the time

Try to be true

Try to be fair

Don't play so much with your hair

Don't pick but strum, make room it will come

And take better care

Don't be so late, don't make people wait

Don't act like you're so fucking great

Don't over-prepare

And take better care

Care of yourself

Water the flowers

Don't pee in the shower

And books aren't your friends they're just art

Don't say you hate it, you don't need to love it

There's so many shades to your heart

Be a good lover

The thing you'll discover

You're more than the sum of your parts

Don't think you know how it ends cause you know how it starts

Try to be true

Try to be fair

Don't play so much with your hair

Don't pick but strum, make room it will come

And take better care

~Oren Lavie

Ain't It Sweet...

Ain't it sweet to reminisce about a time when love was about walks in the park, a bouquet of flowers and a song picked out just for her. When it was not wanting to get off the phone or when the moon served as a conduit between spaces too wide to feel her hand in yours. When love was that sweet satisfying kiss hello...accompanied by an air stealing embrace. When it was the sigh goodbye that was blessed by a thousand look-backs...as if to say "just one more kiss and maybe I'll stay"... 

To then be followed up by the walk or ride home alone. Sportin a goofy smile and the sometimes empty feeling of not being able to lay next to her for the night...touching that empty spot where she might lay. The spot in bed or the sofa where you get to wrap your arm around her waist and pull her in close enough for the passionate make-out session that usually leads into the magic of either another kind of dance...or a spooning session that comes with its own perks. Where your fingers get to graze her skin with an admiration for beauty or where you're privileged to have her take your hand and place it on her heart as though it were a security blanket. All the while, resting your hearts in a gratitude that inspires relief...and a peace only matched by dreams of flight. Moments...of true life. Of a true love that nothing can steal away from memory. All stored in the heart...lived out in surrendered abandon...

I still believe in this. I still pine for it all and one day...I'll see it renewed again. Even in this age of lists and superficial hearts...I have no doubt. Why? I have no list and my heart still beats the sound of a thousand impassioned poets. I am who I am...and I will never change...

Sweetest dreams my loves... Ain't it sweet...

~moses apollo

Ramblings Of A Rarity...A Man...

"...now I'm a man, way past 21..."

I thought of the man I was bunking with in the hospital today. An elderly black military gentleman that I came to the conclusion was being used by the hospital for insurance purposes. They kept postponing his tests and as they did, the hospital was racking up billing hours. I remember him saying he was glad I was there with him. Not only did I provide him with a laugh or two via the treatment the young nurses were affording me but he also confessed that the last roomie was hell. Didn't even acknowledge the man was there. We would speak and laugh from time to time and after we spoke on the "stalling" matter, he ultimately decided to leave the same day I did. I told him I'd see him again after we had prayed. Whether here or in heaven...it remains true. Just had a flash of my Lord holding him. Stopped me cold...he's must be ok then...

Something happened today to someone close to me. He told me that he was chattin it up with a woman I know to be in serious demand on a particular platform. Something happened with her and someone else and in their conversation she admitted she thought my friend would be "the one" but she wound up meeting someone else. Same guy that just broke her heart. The capper? That "the one" business was new to him. He knew they were into each other (openly stated) but the energy she put out was not "he's the one" energy. I know that energy...it's palpable and followed up by more than just clues. He just didn't see it so he naturally believed she just changed her mind and thought them better friends. He did what I would do...he rolled with it. He figured she must be holding back out of caution but whatever the case, I just unloaded and told him there's a lot of that goin around. Some women do this out of caution and that is understood but most today are doing this because they think they are owed something they never earned. That just because they're women...they're entitled to anything a man has...including his heart, attention and devotion. Yeah f*ck that...

No, no and a hell no lol I've been seeing this more and more and it's honestly turned me off from pursuing anything in a big way. I have options but I will not be runnin marathons for anybody anymore unless I'm gettin the same energy back and options mean very little if they ain't of compatible quality. I told my boy to chalk it up to life experience in the modern age. I am in no way cold (in fact these days been runnin hotter than usual) and nor have I become bitter about imagined slights (thank GOD!) but my outlook has become more definitive after what happened to me. I have access to "water, water everywhere"...just no filtration unit lol So I just told my boy to back off a bit in his head and heart. That she didn't do anything to him and that it's not so much a "him" issue. That she might not want him like that no more and that this was fine. To remain the man he is. To not cut her off because he didn't get anything from her because he wouldn't do that to a friend...much less to someone he cared about in that way. She is just another soul lookin for a place to rest her weary heart. Folk like that could wind up makin mistakes. Especially when snakes come around pretending to be unicorns in order to claim such a heart. Anyway, we'll see how honorable he remains lol

"Toda persona tiene su forma de amar, pero pocas con amor y solo queda soñar"

I used to do these rambles a lot more. They unintentionally hold nuggets of wisdom in the reading. I might do more...just talkin. Oh and yes, I got permission from my boy to talk about this stuff. To women I talk to normally...all this is clear. To those that come around inquiring: you don't ask or actually inquire? ...you'll never truly know. NEVER assume with me...ever. Like I told my boy, I will follow your energy if that's all I have to go by and you might be puttin out something that can be grossly misstated by a logical conclusion. This is not just about "interest". You might have something important to say to me. Speak...it's fine. I'm out. 

~moses apollo

      

Just Between You and Me...

"...Just between you and me...I've got somethin to say..."

This piece goes out mainly to believers as I've recently been asked a few questions. Things that deal with spiritual aspects of everyday life. In particular...mine. Ready ready?...

Ok so first let's get this out of the way. To be "unequally yoked" does not simply mean "I believe & she doesn't". It reaches into far more than that. It reaches into the compatibility of the mind, heart and soul and to be frank, I've oftentimes found better character among non-believers than those that believe. There are reasons for that I can get into but I wont right now. Yet my biggest gripe about this runs deeper than just compatibility. Too many have fallen for the idea that somehow being with a non-believer means you will run the risk of spiritual "contamination" without ever considering that maybe, just maybe...the enemy created this lie because the opposite is supposed to be true and his aim is to keep us from THEM.

Allow me to share a story: A man one day was walking through Spanish Harlem...it was the late 70's. He came upon an open grate that lead to the basement of a Botanica... he heard music. He ventured downstairs and saw a Voodoo ceremony taking place that included dancing and the sacrificing of a chicken. He sat down to watch among the small group that was there...he wasn't the only spectator. This was an open event. As the High Priestess came out and was about to begin, she stopped cold and looked right at the man. She pointed at him and in Spanish said to him..."before we begin...YOU MUST LEAVE". He nonchalantly said "ok" and calmly left. That man was my father. You still don't get it?

Consider how my Lord spent most of his time with those considered the lowest of us all. He was close to those that have performed all manner of sin and berated those that were supposed to walk in holiness that He knew secretly didn't. If you can believe it, they actually looked down on HIM. So ask yourself the question: who was "contaminated" by the experience? They most certainly were, and I will say in truth...its been my experience as well. Yet such a belief of "contamination" is based in fear. Fear that a believer will not be able to handle "temptation" or any "dark path" some types are on and that goes to ONE question...just how big in faith is the Lord in you? Is He so small that you fear HE will be the one to flee from darkness?!? Please... Turn on a light switch in pitch black. What leaves? What stays? Yeah...you get my meaning.

Now to the questions asked. They were about my "acquaintances". There was no judgment...just conversation. You see, I have been drawn and have drawn the most spiritually inclined and they have come from all walks. Walks that have even included what most believers would see as "evil" and guess what? It has meant absolutely nothing to me. So long as they don't try using spiritual manipulation (spells etc) that don't work on me anyway, I will vett them on character, emotional maturity and sexual compatibility alone. If they try gettin silly like that (I will always come to "know"), I know they are about control and that will go to my vetting of their character. There have been a few like this and sorry... that don't fly here. 

I am a man of experiences. Experiences that I have freely shared and of some I choose only to speak of with those I have come to trust that will not be "judgmental" due to their inexperience in such matters. I know who and what I am and have seen more than most...maybe too much. Yet all this has informed me on the path I've chosen to live and I know without question...it is NOT for everybody. Everyone must come to understand who they are and acknowledge their own limits. The line I've chosen to walk is very narrow because it is wide in scope without losing my integrity or failing my Lord. Sounds contradictory at times? If so let it serve as evidence...that it is NOT for you.

In scripture there's a question Paul comes to address. The question is about eating food that is offered to idols. Food that is now spiritually contaminated according to Hebrew law. He didn't say "oh no you mustn't do this...you will become possessed!!!". He said in short "what? pray over it and eat!". Why? Was Paul too careless? No...he came to understand something. His God was bigger than the so-called "god" they offered the food too. Yet here's where it gets a bit tricky. He'd never do this in front of a believer that hadn't yet come to the same realization because he knew that if such a believer would emulate him...THAT believer would run the real risk of true "contamination" due to his limits in faith. Do you understand the difference? As a believer...I sincerely hope you do. Paul understood that eating food offered to idols...was NOT for everyone. As such, he was careful who he shared such teachings with. Which leads me back to the point of my screed. Examine yourself and your level of faith. Acknowledge your own limits in faith and live accordingly. In the process...stop tryin to figure out mine or anyone else's. I'm out... 

~moses

What Happened To Me...

On the week of June 30th, I went to the ER via ambulance due to shortness of breath. I had thought it was a hiatal hernia...instead, they told me I had heart failure. I was holding water everywhere because my heart was having trouble pumping it out. I was admitted in the hospital for a week and in that week, I had lost about 20 lbs of water from the Lasix (diuretic) they were giving me. I went from 230 bloated to about 208 lean. They ran multiple tests because they coudn't figure out how that had happened or how...I was still alive. Since I've been out, the tests continue, but they've all but given up on tryin to find out the "why". They're just lookin to help me improve it's function. Here's the capper though: All the patients that walk into the hospital in my "condition" wind up getting worse...I only improved lol Since the hospital, they expected me to get even worse (as is the norm) and return...I've only improved even more. Training, sleeping and eating better. My cardiologist used the word remarkable in my follow-up visit. See...according to the medical community, I wasnt supposed to look like "me". Nor was I supposed to be training again just as I was before. They had to admit that it was possible that my health regimen kept me from a) something way worse and b) was helping aid in my recovery. He said he's never seen anything like it.  

Am I Superman? No...maybe Batman but Superman? No lol My health regime? Sure, but THE one major component everyone overlooks is the cog to my ALL...My Lord. Turns out He's not only made me impenetrable to the spiritual bullets some folk like to waste their time sending my way (yes...I see them) but them physical ones don't stand a chance either. I am way too spiritually grounded about all this stuff lol I am more than grateful for the choice He gave me and the grace He shows me daily and I KNOW He ain't done yet. I'm just about done with the recovery mode and am now diving into My Lords "razzle dazzle" mode. Oh they ain't seen nothin yet ;-) Get ready for the impossible made possible...

As for my mindset? Crystalized. My heart? Bigger still...just way more contemplative. Listening to my minds' advice a bit more. Not the bitter parts...the realistic parts.

Acknowledging certain truths that I've not acted on internally out of fear I might be wrong. Well, after all I've come through and all I've seen and have come to accept...I will no longer be allowing my heart to deny what is evident. I just have to settle them in my heart and THAT...is always the hardest part of all. Anyway...time to put a nice bow on this recovery. I ask that you all (if anyone is still out there lol) keep me in prayer. We warriors need them too you know? I'm out...

~moses apollo

From Head To Heart...

He finally came to his senses. Its as though everything he'd been writing about crystalized into color and is now fully operational. From head to heart...feels almost empty...but not quite. "What now?" says the man...no idea.

~moses apollo

Aphrodite...

Who'd have thought this is how the pieces fit?

You and I shouldn't even try making sense of it

I forgot how we ever came this far

I believe we had reasons but I don't know what they are

So blame it on my heart, oh

Love moves in mysterious ways

It's always so surprising

How love appears over the horizon

I'll love you for the rest of my days

But still it's a mystery

Of how you ever came to me

Which only proves

Love moves in mysterious ways

Heaven knows love is just a chance we take

We make plans but then love demands a leap of faith

So hold me close, never ever let me go

Even though we think we know which way the river flows

That's not the way love goes

Love moves in mysterious ways

It's always so surprising

How love appears over the horizon

I'll love you for the rest of my days

But still it's a mystery

Of how you ever came to me

Which only proves

Love moves in mysterious ways, oh

Like the ticking of clock, two hearts that beat as one

But I'll never understand the way it's done, oh

Love moves in mysterious ways

It's always so surprising

How love appears over the horizon

I'll love you for the rest of my days

But still it's a mystery

Of how you ever came to me

Which only proves

Love moves in mysterious ways

Love moves in mysterious ways, oh yeah

~Michael English

Beautiful & Strange...

 

I can still remember me and Miss November Rain

Beautiful and strange

Always so inclined, coloring outside the lines

Yeah, you were never on time

You've always been slightly awkward, kinda weird

Upside down and not all here

What's a-wrong with me and you is crystal clear

Sometimes I'm in a room where I don't belong

And the house is on fire and there's no alarm

And the walls are melting too

How about you?

I've never been the favorite, thought I'd seen it all

'Til I got my invitation to the lunatic ball

And my friends are comin' to

How about you?

Don't worry, it's all just a symptom of being human

Unpack all your baggage

Hide it in the attic, where

You hope it disappears

This all seems so familiar

But it doesn't feel like home

It's just another unknown

You've always been slightly awkward, kinda weird

Upside down and not all here

Right or wrong, it's all so crystal clear

Sometimes I'm in a room where I don't belong

And the house is on fire and there's no alarm

And the walls are melting too

How about you?

I've never been the favorite, thought I'd seen it all

'Til I got my invitation to the lunatic ball

And my friends are comin' to

How about you?

Don't worry, it's all just a symptom of being human

We're all just passing through

Passengers on a ship of fools

We're all just passing through

Passengers on a ship of fools

Sometimes I'm in a room where I don't belong

And the house is on fire and there's no alarm

And the walls are melting to

How about you?

I've never been the favorite, thought I'd seen it all

'Til I got my invitation to the lunatic ball

And my friends are comin' to

On a ship of fools

Don't worry, it's all just a symptom

Of being human

~Shinedown