One Season Ends...

'yeah you bleed just to know you're alive..."

and another...begins...

"he said there'd be no more warning, no more "tryin", no "more extra miles" or proofs of life or love. that all would be determined as reaction to action/in-action, hostility, interest or indifference. matching "energy for energy". that no matter what he said or did...this was now his unspoken constant. he's revealed enough of himself that there is no longer anything left to prove or much left to say. that if those he's known for years were still waitin on some shoe to drop or were still looking for proof he wasn't genuine because of what they've been exposed to outside of himself...they could do that without his presence. he ain't bouncing any more balls for the sake of personal gain, agenda or even a potential lovers heart to entice. only what needs doin and /or what true energy and/or passion call for in the moment. that test results are what they are and that he no longer feels the same heaviness behind those results...it's done. he's more than simply "good"..."

in the advent of change, i looked from the outside in and wrote this from my heart. it was some time ago. though how it's "worked in" is still in question...it's sentiment remains key. it is in fact the stripping down to the bear essentials of a man on a journey that takes only what he needs to survive. except in my case? i'm not lookin to just survive...i'm lookin to live. with only slightly more than the bear essentials in tow as passion and my love of "love" itself has not left me...nor will it ever. i am re-learnin "me"...and everything that is supposed to mean.

i will NOT be one to become "set in his ways", live in cycles or re-make the same mistakes. i refuse to allow this world to bury any unrealized worth and passion inside a heart of stone whose only beat is a fake-ass virtue signal that means absolutely nothing to anyone outside of the conformist. time has so far been my friend but time can be fickle in it's choice of friends. the wise come to learn this and instead of trusting a clock...they lookin out for alignments, met & unmet. i can no longer afford to miss out on mine. i still have a few left im watchin out for...

i need..."to bleed"...i'm out...

~moses apollo

PS: notice how i speak of "change" yet my song choices for the most part stay the same? some lyrics and/or notes are still waiting to become relevant ;-)   

It's Funny But...

"i heard there was a secret chord that 

David played and it pleased the Lord..."

I'll tell you what i've noticed. It seems to me that folk that go through growth spurts of heart are way easier to love...but just harder to comprehend and I think that's what makes them "heavy". Is that what's happening to me? The building...it looks and feels "easier" but it's structure is way more complex. Almost nano-tech in nature lol I know I'm overthinkin this but it feels like my priorities list just got "thinner". I guess that's what happens when so much is thrown at you at one time. You just learn how to manage your energy better. I'll figure this out (or not) in time and you all are more than welcome to join me on this journey...or not lol In either case, I'm grateful for you all...

Kinda feeling like the guy from "Office Space". Think I'll just head on over to Chachki's before I go home and binge watch on 5 star Kung Fu movies. Wanna join me? Cool. If not...well that's cool too lol If you've seen the movie you're smilin right about now. There it is!! Beautiful smile btw...thankful for that too. I'm out...

~moses apollo 

To Be...

be arrogant

be elegant

be brilliant 

be proud...

yeah...somethin like that ;-)

~moses apollo

Small Epiphanies...

"such thirst doesn't always permit for...tact. look at that scenery...it's lovely"

i personally don't think it's that big of a deal but i kind of got the gist today that if folk had the option of turning me into something more conventional...they would. i am in constant flux...always looking to head towards something bigger and folk seem to make the mistake that this automatically translates to my feelings for them being in constant flux as well. not being able to separate character improvement/refinement/development from emotional content. sometimes they overlap but not very often (very rare) because when i find a connection, i take my personal "movements" into account and ask myself if that connection can withstand something like that and 9 times out of ten...it can (except im the only one that seems to be convinced of it lol). i find that somewhat refreshing because it means you literally cannot label me in any way, shape or form. consider what's commonplace today: she does A...he'll do B. she does C...and he will immediately jump on D, E & F. it's like clockwork due to the conformity that's taken place. in my case, she does A...and i will laugh and say "what? you expect me to do B?". never in such a way as to feel like i'm avoiding manipulation or in an aggressive way but moreso in a vibe that says "i get that this is the way it usually is but with me...you gotta be human".

so what do i usually get after awhile? folk that would rather not have to think so much in their dealings with me. i can see it in time and it's somewhat amusing. this is why i usually get relegated to "the fine, deep conversation guy" or the guy "i'd like to have something with but it might be too much work". they'll usually have some dude or dudes they got buttons for they talkin to. not to really get too serious with but just because it's more familiar. i'm literally laughing as i type this. to make a decision towards me is like some "life changing" decision for some of them lol they gotta get their families together and make the announcement "ok family...i've decided to get serious with Moe" lmfao to which I'm pretty sure the response would be: "who?" lol the "bold" (i mean this in the sense of entreating me) are the ones that roll with me because they've either known me long enough to "get me" or their desire/curiosity outweighs their logistical brakes. the latter are usually noted by the fact that they just don't care how they sound...they want what they want. i will talk about something current and they'll say something (smiling) like "i have no idea nor do i care...when can i see you again" and i'm honestly good with that kind of realness. i'm also good with those that are intellectually compatible but are far from being snobbish. it's easier to touch on topics and there's no "one-upping" the other on "what we know". in short...it makes little difference to me. character above all else folks...

you know what? i dig this kind of writing. i consider this piece a light-hearted revelation...

so yeah...folks? you don't have to tip-toe nor do i have any particular expectations. some folk read my writings and formulate their conversation style/topic around that expecting me not to notice but once again...NOT a negative. why? cause everyone "tries"...why fault anyone for that? i'd just rather you be yourself and let me make the choice if that's what i want to be down with. oh and just so everyone is aware...i got the manual...i read the manual...hell, i might've even had a hand in revising some of it. i just don't bother with the manual and when it comes to me...neither should you...i'm out...

~moses apollo

Flavom...

Anol shalom

Anol sheh ley kon-nud de ne um

Flavom...Flavom

M-ai shondol-lee flavom

Lof flesh lay

~moses apollo apolinaris

The Hope & The Dream...

"I dream of rain...I dream of gardens in the desert sand

I wake in vain...I dream of love as time runs through my hand

I dream of fire...those dreams are tied to a horse that will never tire

And in the flames...her shadows play in the shape of a man's desire..."

the dream is that thing you've envisioned in your heart that has either been a peace or a solution to a problem you've wrestled with a long time. it's a passionate desire, a want that always seems out of reach due to circumstances or just bad timing. you come to the place to receive it...and for whatever reason, it's just not ready to receive you yet. like two ships that pass each in the night's fog. you can hear it and see it slightly...but the tides won't allow it yet. there are even moments where it's just an inch away. so close that you plan your life around it...only to lose it again. at every one of these instances, your resolve for it weakens from the heaviness of frustration. a frustration you decide is too heavy to endure. so you decide to force yourself want it less for the sake of your own sanity and begin to believe that maybe it was something you dreamt up or imagined. as such, you come to reconcile your mind to not wanting it all & every hint at it's final acquisition is now met with scoff or even self sabotage. all to relieve yourself of any more disappointment.

i once felt this way...no more. i have a decades long dream that came & left me more times most humans could bear but i learned over time that the frustration of not having a thing has very little to do with that particular thing's journey. either it wasn't ready for me...or i wasn't ready for it but it was to be mine none the less. i've jumped the gun on many things in my life only to have them come to ruin. they were hard lessons to learn but needful to say the least. so now i handle my dreams with care. i house them in my hearts pocket & blow on their embers from time to time lest their flame should ever wane. i allow myself the joy of getting close even if they don't come to fruition lest their sweetness turn sour. my dreams will come and as i hold fast to them, i train my soul in hope...that hope should never be a burden but something that is worthy to endure. when the time comes...i can say i never gave up. even if i should leave this earth with them unfulfilled...i can say that i never gave up...and that my heart remained full. i will always be the one that will tell you "keep looking for it" even after everyone else has said "give up". I may change my posture towards people but i will never stop believing in what i know to be true about them and no...i will never give up on love. it is the driving force of every dream i've ever had and will ever have.

Noah built an ark on a promise that took him decades to build. he was a well respected man whose word was sure yet after some time, his belief cost him his standing...even among those closest to him. promised rain was his claim after a century of drought and when the ark was ready...the rain became ready for it. yeah...i feel a few drops comin on...i'm out... 

~moses apollo

The Why - A Word by Moe

to embrace purpose on past its' power

to digest every grain poured out in nuance

to articulate every newly formed wrinkle in time

to hunger on past it's pain has subsided

to feel her sped up heartbeat from miles away

to experience the warmth of her smile as an eternal embrace

and yes...to share the gift of being able to touch every inch of her through the passion expressed in verse alone...

for healing...for strength...and for love...

this...is the "why"...

~moses apollo

What It's Like - A Word By Moe

"we've got our own grave with both names, it's do or die

i can't hear you but I can feel you, you're by my side

to feel the time move the hues that paint you, you can't hide

we've got our own grave with both names, it's you and I..."

light sweat on my skin...a slightly unbearable heat. no breeze to ease it...no choice but to surrender to it in stillness & silence. both taking me to a singular thought...what it's really like.

after you've eliminated all that could pull your attention away from being completely present, there is only one thing left...the moment. a moment that is meant to be defined by all it could be...all it should be. your mind switches off & in that moment, there's no thought, no plan, no steps to take. no questioning of technique or form. your hands take you to where your passion leads. telling you what you want to taste, bite or touch. surrendered, effortlessly rhythmic...bodies flowing by feeling alone. in that moment...you just want to "feel". to take flight upon this newfound synergistic, symbiotic wind...unafraid & bold. letting it take us to places we had no idea existed outside this coupling. where climax happens from the experience alone...never feeling so free or safe. a new place that becomes our own. none else will ever see it...none else will ever know it...exclusive to us alone...

this...is what it's like...

~moses apollo 

As The Hours Pass...

"As the hours pass, I will let you know that I need to ask

Before I'm alone, how it feels to rest on your patient lips

to eternal bliss...I'm so glad to know"

dreams, news...and manifest glory drippin like wax onto my heart replacing scars left behind by all i've been experiencing with newer, stronger flesh. leaving me...changed. noticing the priority in what sees me for all i am. for what truly sees me...has access to me but more than just "me"...my heart. a heart that is rightfully more protected now, taking way more than a nice set of keys to get to. such a thing for me is a monumental feat that i would not have voluntarily chosen for myself but one life had to carve into me. one epoch is now almost over...making way for the other to begin. the uncertainty of what that will look like is unreal but i trust in the One that has never left my side. the One that has brought me and mine this far. that when others went tested to fail...My Lord was with me every step of the way. i will confess to having never felt so alone...but i was never lonely and i know for certain that i never will be. i "saw" many things happening but i never saw this and i guess it's a good thing that someone like me can still be surprised.

i faced the shadow of death, the letdown of disappointment, the pains and confusion of treachery, a crippling grief from darkness in doubt and still none has left a mark on me that cannot be mended or healed. the evolution we go through is in the mending, in the forgiveness, in the resolve and in the idea that when "you're going through hell...you keep going" until you come out stronger on the other side. all things that solidified a perspective that shields me while maintaining an ever increasing passion for all things "beautiful". i am not less...but now more. the only caveat i see: i now expect all the more i am becoming from others and in truth, maybe i shouldn't as everyone is different. yes, i'll wrestle with this as i never settle for "iffy" when it comes to my character etc. the mindset changes, compartmentalizing more to be able to accept less and in that compartmentalization...passion and love can be severed into pieces if left unchecked. where it once flourished on the whole...it now exists in degrees towards "pieces" when certain things happen and when that is the case...i feel "less" intensity. feels involuntary to tell you the truth. it could be that this is what makes room for the fullness in the whole that meets me where i am but i'm just not sure if this is healthy or not yet. maybe this is a temporary coping mechanism or it's a way to protect what i see as my worth. in either case...it's what it is at the time of this writing. i feel like a surgeon looking through my own MRI. most good...some bad but alright nonetheless and i thank God for it. now i will pose the most important question of this piece: if i could go through all i've been through and come through better...why can't you? i, for one...believe you can...

i'm out...

~moses apollo   

Rant Of "The Real"...

"I see the games you play & the traps you lay

Not fit to fall in but I let you play them anyway..."

join the niche but look from the outside in...what would you see? you'd see a bunch of people pretending to be what they are not...nor could ever be. i am so sick of reading posts about how much cum so-and-so can take & how horny so-and-so is on a 24 hr basis. tired of reading about what "Mr White Knight" would do in this situation or that. it's a fantasy world where people say & do (in their minds) without consequence as it's all said & done behind a screen. as for those that speak extreme to fit in & choose to finally "act out" the fantasy? these are the ones that fall into the delusion they've created for themselves...a delusion most have been shamed into coddling through what passes for "acceptance" these days. i'm sick of it all. what do you think would happen if we all of sudden lost power & had to communicate face to face? we'd wind up meeting socially awkward people at least once a day. the "horny" would all of a sudden be revealed to have crippling insecurities. the "soft", "sensitive" men would reveal the creepy, cringe side you were never meant to see. the "tough" man would be revealed to only be tough on his woman & those weaker than him.

i speak in frustration as a man that has lived out & through most of what these cosplayers pretend to be living out now. some of it is funny but most of it is sad & pathetic. they glorify what in the real world could normally drag one down into despair & lunacy. folk speak willy nilly on the spiritual things as though it were some sort of D&D board game. all I ever have to do is speak on some of my weakest spiritual experiences & they would lock up in fear. folk speak willy nilly on sex...the truth of my experiences wind up intimidating some when they find out i'm not full of sh*t. lest people start rollin their eyes thinkin i'm full of myself: it's not that i'm so "great"...it's simply that i've stayed true to the art of deep intimacy. something that has been replaced by surfaced "f*cking" & porn speak. why? because it's so basic & easy...& there's very little chance of falling in love by the act alone (secret: folk fear this now). 

now, tune in to be the "ear" of understanding for someone for a bit & watch how they try turning that into a chance for more. to "take" & take some more until the orgasm says "ok we're done here...we can now be who we really are". i can tell you that when i wrote this just now, i perceived someone reading this is going through just that but hasn't seen the extent of it yet. for you: DO NOT confuse your "caring" & "affection" for "true love". you may "have love for em" but don't make the mistake of believing that's full on "romantic love". there's a difference...don't let them cloud the distinction. agendas, delusions, masks & cowardice have become the standard...& i hate it all. 

so who am i talkin to? i'm talkin to those of you that while reading this have nodded your head &/or raised your eyebrows at least once...take this to heart. the idea is to take who you are & diminish you until you begin to feel the pull to conform...to lay waste to the truth of all you are & become another willing participant of the weak & controlled. to become another caricatured NPC (non-playing character) without a name. to surround you with claims that "you cannot exist in our world" but i say to you it is THEM that cannot exist in OURS. cultivate & grow in your name. seek out what is real & pure & watch out for what is in your world. never fear them but once identified, keep them in the category of the dismissed. why? anyone that will pretend to be someone or something they're not doesn't really exist anyway you dig? i treat them as such...rant done. i'm out...

~moses apollo

PS:

storge, phillia, agape, eros

learn the difference between the 4 & never allow anyone to confuse (or trick you) you into believing everything is "eros". nuance is king...

A Quiet Life...

Maybe this time

Maybe this time I’ll outwit my past

I’ll throw away the numbers, the keys

And all the cards

Maybe I can carve out a living in the cold

At the outskirts of some city

I extinguish all my recent pasts

Become another man again

And have a quiet life

A quiet life for me

A quiet life

A quiet life for me

A quiet life for someone

And a quiet life for me

I lost, I ran

I started once anew

In northern grey, in drizzling rain

In salted slush and bitter hale

But the order as always merciless

It wants to see me fail

So the hunter is now the hunted

Past voices call my name

I renounce my past to live again

A quiet life

A quiet life

A quiet life for me

A quiet life for someone

And a quiet life for me

I thought I have been given

Another chance again

But heaven lies as usual

I repented but in vain

It tries to cheat me out of my good aim

Take away what I never really got

My quiet life

No quiet life for me

No quiet life

No quiet life for me

A quiet life for someone

No quiet life for me

I already knew this...bring it ;-)