"i chose this life as is my design...to sail free. set, re-set & coursed by the wind. i've seen much to come to know much but the beautiful souls found out here remain unmatched by anything else the world below has to offer. some, like me...flowed up here by design. others are drawn up here by necessity yet unbeknownst to them...by design as well. tossed to ground too early but created to make this place what it was meant to be...a paradise just a stones throw away from earth.
scarred by the loss of trust in their own heart, these are the ones hurt by a few they allowed into their world. worlds inhabited by those they were tasked to protect and/or care for. beautiful, pretty, lovely...in demand souls designed for greatness & shine now come to protect an embered flame under lock & key...not allowing anyone near it. they built castles up here as safety & solitude has now become their peace. after hearing their stories...one can only come to agree.
sailing with a few i've come to understand to give only what they are prepared to receive. to promise only what i can & to come to understand the language of silence. the struggle to remain unmoved for those they love is greater now than anyone they encounter as these are the ones designed to love so hard they bleed out the pain of it...something they feel their worlds can no longer afford. yet flame snuffed out too early by anothers greed is destined to shine again...even if only for a moment. something i've found worthy to protect & cultivate as needed. no cage should house them...no greed should use them...& no lie should ever be used to enfold them.
these airs...are an oft-times lonely place to sail as it is understood these have duties beyond me. yet to find one & share a moment is like finding gold. to see their re-ignition at sail is like watching the sun born at full strength for the first time. all in a patch of sky created outside the worlds we are tasked to protect. as a navigator, you own & keep only what you take with you. for me, it is an immortality housed in those forever moments birthed at their re-ignition. in a perpetual space that remains to inspire, keep up...or even expand. all set, re-set & coursed...by the wind"
Just another marker for myself as a reminder of the date. In full disclosure, I can only explain the details of this to about three people that would understand and I already know what they would say. I usually don't anyway...
I know a woman that followed her heart. A heart that beat with abandon that seldom ever let her down. She trusted it with her life. One day she followed its' flutter into the arms of one that had an instruction manual for such an occasion and her heart came to convince her mind that this was the one. She invested body and soul only to come to learn that all he was interested in was her body. She was broken. Not so much from the loss of one she loved but more so from the thought that the heart she had trusted to guide her...could have betrayed her as well. Something that could not be further from the truth. I know this woman and others like her...they are gold.
Folks, if there was anything I could share on here of true value, this would make the top 5. I know I've written about this before but I keep seeing this happen and I hate it so much it's worth repeating. The heart, when it's true & pure...is selfless. It was designed to give without expectation. Designed to always reach out...looking for a suitable counter. At its purest, it doesn't care if the love is being reciprocated. It doesn't worry about "lists" or anything of the sort...but the mind does and if nothing comes to dissuade it, the heart can inadvertently convince your mind that it is being loved in return. Especially if the person is adept at playing the role they need to for their own selfish gain. A gain that doesn't take into account how special what they have at their disposal is. These are the type that seldom, if ever, see past their own greed and will usually leave a trail of regret wherever they go. Something even the best of us could never truly anticipate. I NEED you to know that your heart has not betrayed you and you did as you must. It was not your fault that you surrendered your most precious gift to one that couldn't see how great it was. Keep trusting it my loves and become greater than you were. Train your mind to vet your suitors well and take back the power these leaches have stolen from you. Make sure your potential suitors are of character...that they can truly "see" you. That your heart find it's worthy counter. Take the experience and grow from it. Resist the temptation to shut down your heart...it is the best of you and where your truist beauty resides.
I "see" you and if I do...others of character will as well. You are gold. With love...I'm out...
Thinkin on a few things things today had me realizing that I never really learned how to "date". I went from dalliances into puberty that drove my libido and passion into a relationship that turned into a marriage that happily lasted 17 years. After my divorce, I tried "dating" someone but found myself acting as invested as I was as a husband and it served as one of the reasons why things didn't work out. I just didn't know the "rules". When I finally learned how to date, I hated it so much I decided to leave out of my future relationships anything that would taint them. The ownership, the games, the pretension...all gone if I could help it. The practicality of such a thing always seemed easy enough given the climate but my code made it almost impossible. I had to have it done a certain way...done with honor. So I became what I became...
At one time, I'd be embarrassingly classified a "lover". Why "embarrassing"? It just always seemed like something out of a cheesy romance novel but when I look back on my history and peak into some of my present...there's no other word for it *cue the violins*. Now how you define that is where your "judgment" of my character takes shape. I'd rather you didn't judge me at all but hey..."humans gonna human". To define a "lover" as a "player" is way off. True lovers ain't in it for the game or the numbers...but for so much more. As I've stated many times on this blog, I learned to better myself sexually to please my then wife. Our sex life was good but I knew there was way more to be experienced and that it had more to do with "internals" most were unwilling to study than technique. My love for her and place as a husband provoked it. I had to "learn her" & allow her my openness to "learn me". I was on a literal quest to become selfless in many areas and intimacy was a big one for me. In time I came to learn that witnessing her pleasure in our exchanges really did it for me and THIS is what eventually carried over into my single life after my divorce. So you see...my love for her began the evolution of the man writing this today. As for today, "lovers" tend to be defined by how many people one has had sex with and how many orgasms THEY were able to "make happen" lol (porn mindset) A number that can be artificially inflated by simply swiping right or left or whatever the hell people do today. An uber-basic endevour...as such a thing's appeal is self-satisfaction for self-preservation. It's main goal is to fulfill a personal need without giving any real thought to the needs of the person you're with. No give, just take...without real exchange. "Efficient"...but dead. You're just replacing your hands with a strangers body. Now, I'm not gonna judge such a thing as right or wrong but I can and will call it "basic" all day, everyday and twice on Sunday. By definition "basic" is meeting a human function without much thought. The dangers of something like this is that it will soon (if it hasn't already) become erroneously classified as "intimacy". Unfortunately like everything else via definition...that word may lose it's heart as well.
I understand its allure and its an allure that is meant to pacify a fear of getting hurt. That promises sex without getting close enough to care whether they stay or go but I can say that such a thing exacts a heavier price on the soul over time than risking the loss of love ever can. Once you've tasted true intimacy, the fickle is seen for what it is...and it's no longer enough. Satiating with the semblance of reward...without risking a thing. Yet its the difference between a well toiled over meal and fast food. It fills the belly...but leaves little left to remember. Which is why I will always recommend the conventional for most. To find that one to love and cherish. To hold and live out that dream. I've lived mine and am blessed to have done so but my nature has drawn me out to something else...undefined by phase or convention. I'm good with it...
Herein lay my code. I need no commitment or contract but I need to know that the soul I'm sharing my own with in a moment is compatible and connected with me enough to reach out from within as the moment calls and that my own soul is apt to meet that call...wherever it should lead (soft, hard, clean or dirty). Such a thing requires time, respect, understanding, selflessness and the kind of love that "sees" something too damn beautiful to mantle or own. A "seeing" that takes place way before two bodies ever meet. A deeper foreplay that expresses love in a way that her pleasure, growth and progress are what make you happy and where attachment...becomes of no consequence. Risking a confusion, pain and frustration that is poured out like hot wax in the "meeting". In this...I found an unparalleled purity both blessed and graced by its' selfless nature. Sounds sweet-like right? It is...but insanely hard to do and THAT is what keeps it special ;-)
So I guess today, I'd just be classified as "different"... and I can dig that. What? Too "old fashioned"? No my loves...just "seasoned for the sweet-like". I'm out...
She found it in the rain that would no longer drench. In the claw & in the bite that no longer produced a stream of blood. In the storms no longer sent...in the pain none could invent. In the screams that no longer produced a sound. When all became settled, set and done..."the same as it ever was", she knew that in that moment...what she wanted...was "more".
The rustled bed, the heavy heart a moonlit moment makes full and the smile at the waking with a thirst unquenched...just inches away from satisfaction. With nothing needing to be said in all that's left to do. Desiring the purposed sunrise inspired tender kiss that leads the bold towards the inevitable climb into peaks and supple valleys that fit perfectly where they must. To be tasted from hand to mouth and everything else designed for such a meal. From soft and steady to hard and ready. The rock, the roll, in both body...and soul. The wanting, the longing, the taking...the having and having again. To be entranced in the moment where position and motion instinctively lead into a climactic dance designed solely by this distinct combination. To be induced into that uncontrollable thrust that tightens thighs and shutters rolled back eyes unseen. To find comfort in the moment her inner thigh would bare witness to as it rested on his nakedness. For him to lay there by her side, satiated by her skin till it became his blanket...warming him still...as another session loomed in the distance.
To seek it even now as restless hands seek place to steady until her passions' implosion slowly re-ignites through the sheer will of animalistic desire. Her dew spilled sweet to now arrive and whisper soft..."you're still alive" ;-)
Waterman, an emissary and oft times militia member for the King had grown weary from the secret battles he had been assigned to...as well as his own. Bruised and almost broken, he was granted furlough by the King with permission to bring along another. A much needed time of respite in a place chosen by the King Himself. A beautiful majestic place replete with mountains, horses and a generous space for lodging fit for an emissary. It sat right beside the lake that was the centerpiece of that place. Yet with all that beauty before him, Waterman knew that something felt..."off". You see, there were no other guests...
Waterman just rationalized it off as "battle fatigue"...nothing to concern himself with. He would ignore it and enjoy his five days of rest. Here is what took place:
Night one: He found himself surrounded by an odd looking bunch of men in obvious disguises. They questioned his station and role with the King trying to produce doubt but Waterman knew what they were and laughed them away. Unimpressed, they meant nothing to him and their words fell on deaf ears. They would eventually leave distraught and confounded. Just minutes after they left, he heard a loud knock on the door...it was the Kings messenger. The messenger, standing at the door, opened the scroll he pulled out of his satchel and began to read:
"Many years ago, this place was a place of rest but it is now plagued by a Troll that lives in the highest peak of its' mountains. The ones that surrounded you were sent by it to test you and your resolve. You are to destroy it and liberate this place from its' filth...use the weapons I've given you. Remember who you are...this is the Word of your King"
Waterman knew exactly what this was...it was training. Training in a war that no one could be told of as only a select few were privy to its' existence. Anytime Waterman tried to confide in those he trusted with his experiences, he was met with disbelief and even sometimes...ridicule. You see, these special battles took place beyond a veil. A veil only the King could grant access to and those he granted access to were never what one would expect. They were men and women of the lowest sort. The kind none would suspect as having giftings or sight granted them. Humble, not because they were righteous...but humbled because they knew they were imperfect in the eyes of the King. A King they loved because He loved them first. Their stations in life were of no consequence. They simply sought an unattainable purity of heart they knew they would die seeking. In this...they were trusted as friends to the King. Each seeming to have a vice they could not shake. Things that kept them striving...and just lowly enough to know their place in the world...even as they climbed. They knew who they were. Parts in a larger world that had pieces within it, each playing their part, none greater than the other but just as essential as the rest. Purposed in place to never be seen as what they were. Without applause or accolades, they performed their duties with the honored badge the King had given them. In all this, they could not share a word of it because only a very few would understand and sometimes suffered loneliness as a result. Undeterrd...it was still always a privilege and an honor to be in the service of the King.
Night two: That night, he found himself surrounded again but this time...they were not in disguise. They tried the standard tactic of holding him down, using their main weapon...fear. Yet what they forgot was that Waterman was seasoned enough in battle to know they had no real power so he easily broke free. Once again...they had left distraught. That very night, Waterman climbed the mountain, went into the trolls' cave and sent it back from whence it came. The airs now clear...that place...was now free. The next three days were all about rest and recharging. He and the workers at this place knew something had changed so he decided to confide in his companion about his experience. This went as expected. She sighed, nodded and turned her head as if to say "ok...good!!". She knew him enough to know he would never lie or make up anything like this. It was clear she wanted to believe him, but he understood that unless one experiences it for themselves, they could never fully accept the truth of it. It was nothing he wasn't used to. Nevertheless, it was a good trip...
Day five: It was time to leave this majestic place behind but Waterman had one more task to perform. He and his companion approached the caretaker of this place so that he could simply say: "Woman, please mark these words...this place will see its glory again...". It's all he was tasked to say. As they were about to leave, the caretaker turned her head and with tears streaming down her face said: "Sir, to hear these words brings me an unspeakable joy. You may think I'm crazy but this place has been cursed by what some described as a troll that lived in the mountains for years and for some reason, just three days ago...it feels like he was just gone. I don't know why or how but I just know things will be better now". Waterman looked at his companion to see the look of shock on her face as he held the caretaker in his arms and simply told her..."You're not crazy...we'll return someday". As they took their leave, he heard his companion whisper under her breath "long live the King...". He just smiled and said "yeah...".
It's a rare thing that another could witness the truth of such an event but Waterman received that testimony as a gift from the King. As if to say..."You see, you will never be truly alone". Waterman and his companion went on their way but his time at this place would never leave him. He now understood the graciousness of His King had no rhythm or rhyme but it's end was always satisfying. He also understood that it would not be the last time such a thing would take place. Warriors take their rest where they could find it and for Waterman, the spurts of rest allowed by his King were found in the release of his passions...but not in the way others would. They'd be allowed with an honor and a purity. A fine line Waterman would need to walk to remain pleasing to His King. Yet he knew that what was in store for him was even greater than what he had just experienced. There would be more places to go. For both rest and duty...at home and abroad. He was now clearer about his duties. He was now more prepared. "What next my King?..."
the kiss, the walk, the talk...mined the time. beguiled the smile, explored the more from the floor to the door...the demure to the whore. from the deep to the creep for all to keep in acceptance without judgment...for love.
such love with lust producing trust. inspiring feast for beauty's beast...by muscle, stock & stone. from soft to stern, he learned to earn the subtle yearn to groan the moan from passion sown. to give the take for dams to break...he mined the time.
with mind to mine, he took his time...for all now freely held
This is how long I spent on the phone with one of the most powerful women on this planet. Strength without platitudes or pretention. Wanting for nothing but herself & her God. Wise beyond her 72 years yet still willing to resonate the truth she carries inside when she hears it like an echo of something she'd forgotten on purpose to make room for more. This beautifully flawed soul is my mother and for the first time in a long time...we saw each other...in each other.
The life of stoic independence she tried so hard not to pass on is now mine and she found it both reassuring and scary. The life of the misunderstood misfit that is celebrated in spurts with those willing to choose a form of passionate transience...as opposed to some shade of permanence. She lived out that life. Not because she wanted to but because she felt she had no choice. She couldn't bring herself to become watered down or filtered for the sake of convention. It was who and what she was that made her special and worth the transience in the eyes of all that knew her. She admitted the truth of its blessing and curse...never wanting that for any of us. Yet here I am...articulating it in both speech and deed. I know now that I am not alone. Never really needing it...it did feel good to be fully understood and seen without judgment.
From the depth of my soul I appreciate those that have and still do. I received an unexpected message from someone some time ago that took time out of her night to let me know I was appreciated and what moved me the most was just how much it moved me. I really didn't know what to say because the greatest compliments are the ones that are truly thought through and sincere and this particular wordsmith gets easily tounge tied at such things. They don't come often (not a complaint in the slightest...just a matter of fact) and when they do, it's like watching a comet shoot across the sky...it stays with you. The warmth of heart it produces lingers for days and the memory of it never fades. The acknowledgment of all that you are through the eyes of someone whose opinion matters to you is a powerful thing my loves.
For three hours, my mother and I acknowledged the brutal truth of all we were. Seeing that the better parts of all we are far outweighed the bad. It was something that will stay with me for as long as I have breath...
I have a handful of souls that have been with me for years. Even those that seem to come and go have never really left my side...as I have never really left theirs. To those I say again (they know who they are)...thank you for existing and know that the customized room in my heart that's been prepared for you will always be there. I will add simply this: Without her even knowing it, my mother chose her suitors and the few in her circle by the mirror and I have been wise to do the same. Know that if I have ever taken an interest in you it is because I've seen a beautiful oddity in you that I see in myself. Time measures out the rest beyond simple interest but know that there are things in you untapped that you are not fully aware of that are powerful enough for someone like me to be drawn to. You are stronger than you know, wiser than you know and more loving/passionate than you have yet to experience. Take that and run with it my beautiful souls. There is nothing you cannot overcome. I "see" you...still...
So my word for all tonight is this: If there is someone in your life that doesn't feel seen, heard or understood that truly means something to you...let them know that you truly "see" them. The impact of such a thing could be just what they need in the moment to springboard them forward into their next level of existence. With love...I'm out...
