I see you drowning in a lake that represents illness, inner turmoil and heavier than normal relationship issues...and I cannot save you. I point to a rope that is tied to a boat but you say to me "it's ok...I've learned how to float". I cringe in frustration because there is nothing more I can do. I know I and others will lose you on this road. I know the eventualities of this road because we all MUST learn to "float" above our own waters but if we become too content without moving towards what's next...we will remain in a space that provides a false sense of security. A complacency will set in that can easily take the place of that contentment without one even noticing. These waters are acidic and they will eat away at you slowly if you don't find a way to drain them or get to shore but some get numb to the corrosion until it's too late. They either go mad, cold of heart...or finally get caught by the illness they ignored. You see they convince themselves that a certain level of "peace" is enough to sustain them. It may have been so but what they don't understand is that there is a purpose to that peace. It is meant to clear their mind and heart so they could find and implement a solution...at peace.
When I see a loved one in this position, I want to yell. My frustration becomes unparalleled and like my mother, I've been known to lash out like an alarm at a real fire. Usually either calm, jovial or even-keeled but this can take me "there". Sometimes it's taken wrong but I can't worry about that when a life or lives are at stake. In this, I understand my mother all too well and it is one so-called "flaw" I welcome in those that love me. They love me enough to risk me no longer liking them for my own sake...and to me, that ain't a "deal breaker".
Listen to me my beautiful people: I applaud you if you've come to "terms" with whatever you've gone through or are going through now but don't ever allow yourself to get caught in the trap this necessary step can become. Receive and live in the peace it provides but do not allow it to sedate you. You still have the last step to take that may involve other steps. They can include trips to the mirror...or a designated physician.
I have an issue that today is classified as a problem. Even through all I've gone through...I STILL care. I'm out...
Contemplating on my last post, I realized some of you come here to read words of encouragement, love or beauty and that's understandable given most of my writings. You might be saying to yourselves "damn...he's still at this?" but if you know me you'll know there's usually a "method to my madness". My "method" here is quite simple: First, it's my blog and "I'll cry if I want to" and secondly, it's not enough for me that you see strength, resolve or enduring love. I want you to know how I get there ;-) I want you to see that in this process there will be moments of anger, frustration, confusion, pain and bitterness and I want you to realize why I believe most people get stuck. This pop psychology bullsh*t age will tell them to "accept" what they feel (which is correct) but will never tell them to heal from these things by finding a way to reconcile each through the "truth" of the mirror...
It's so easy to label this or that these days that it's no wonder more than half the population of the US seems to be housed by emotional neophytes. Too harsh for you? Take a good hard look in the mirror and find out that being easily offended is wholly a "me not you" issue. Perfect segue huh? Yes, I am glorious...show me later lol Now I'm not talking about the kind of look in the mirror where you find your faults and wallow in your weaknesses. I'm not talking about the kind of look in the mirror where you diagnose yourself via the "latest thing" or take a pill or a shot as an anesthetizer. No, I'm talking about the look in the mirror that is honest for a reason. The kind that acknowledges your faults, accepts them BUT also looks to improve them. Not through some obsessive regimented ritual but through process. A process that changes not just the mind...but eventually has the heart follow as well and contrary to popular belief...it's NOT automatic.
Readin books and doing self-affirmations are nice and all but looky here: "if I can't apply it...I ain't gon' buy it". That's my quote...eat your heart out Johnny Cochran lol I don't care if it's "Nietzsche" or some 5000 year old manuscript. Some folk read this stuff just to tell folk that are easily impressed "this is in my library...I'm wise and/or better than you in some way" but never think to ask...how does this apply to me in the world I must exist in right now. These books try to tell you who you should be and how to achieve the "you from your best life". I halfway expected the follow-up to read: "for just 6 EZ payments of 29.99!!". Truth is they will help you like a muscle suit makes you feel big under clothes if you can't apply them in the same way you would train real muscle. If you don't deal with the underlying issues, forget about becoming more "in truth" and to deal with the underlying issues...you need to find them. THAT is where the mirror comes in...
In my mirror, I found that it's easy for me to forgive. I wish I could say that it's because I'm such a good person but the truth is that this virtue, like most qualities, has a lot to do with perspective. In each case...understanding. To understand the frailty of humanity is to see the "why" in everything that was done to you or said about you. To understand the intricacies and nuances of the soul. To understand that not every perceived evil is in fact an "evil" but instead an inherent flaw within the workings of humanity itself. This does not apply to those that will hurt you because they get off on it. These we deal with how we must. I'm talking about those that have a human "why" to their flaws (and I ain't talkin mommy/daddy issues). Where do we find these "flaws"? In the damn mirror. In speaking to my Lord, I speak to One that can read my thoughts and hearts intent so knowing this forces me to be honest to my core. Some choose to speak to themselves. Where their other self is allowed to be brutally honest. You'd be surprised how many times we've thought through a thing STILL lying to ourselves. STILL trying to make ourselves out to be better than we actually are. It's incredible how many notions humans carry about themselves that began as a "fake it to make it" that are still in the "fake it" stage and they don't even know it. This is where nuance comes in...woof...
Nuance is incredibly important in all this because sometimes, our brutally honest selves can lead us in the wrong directions without it. To give you an example, your brutally honest self can say "truth is, I don't love my cat" (falling in line with the stereotypical brutally honest person...always sh*t talkin) and you will accept this because it sounds honest yes? Most would...but I don't stop there. I would argue and ask "but can you live without the cat?" Brutally honest self would answer: "Oh hell yes!!!..." as you then start feeling a sense of immense loss at just the thought of it lol You see understanding nuance would let you know at that very moment that you don't like your cat very much...but you do still love it. Such is the way of things. At that point I would ask "well, what don't I like?..." Following that thread to come to a conclusion that is fact based towards a resolution that will either take time or be healed in instant epiphany. "Process" my beautiful people...
As for me and my mirror: As I began to state, I can forgive easily but it's the rest of it where I find myself lacking. I once wrote a post on "pure love". Love as described by Paul in 1 Corinthians 13. In effect, to say "this is how God loves". A chapter shared at almost every Christian wedding. Claiming it to vow: "I will love you as God loves". In my post I acknowledge something very difficult. When you read it as it was written...it is a near impossibility to love this way wearing this human suit and I say this as a man that desires to love this way with a passion that bleeds this need daily. The purest denial of self is what I seek in this regard. I parallel it in the bedroom (well...a statement that kind of explains a lot) but more than anything...I want this oozing from my heart. What people have done or said should no longer bother me in the slightest but they still do. Not in crippling ways but in human ways. I understand this and accept it but my desire for the self expression of this love has become a part of my life's momentary message renewed...why? Well, alongside something that happened before this crisis began, there is now one within the crisis that seriously hurt me that needs me now more than ever before and it is one situation...impossible to walk away from. I need to get this right and with my Lord's help I will. In all it has crystalized all the others and re-initiated this mirrored conversation. Now, although I may not fully express it perfectly in this realm...I can come damn close. This is my happy middle. So I close with this: closeness to God is not about spiritual giftings or authority. These come by virtue of His presence. TRUE closeness to God is identified by love...and I choose to love no matter what. How that is manifested among humans will always be based on us and what the trials of life reveal...but I will always endeavor my heart not be moved. Stay blessed my loves...
Are you with me through it all? Then why can't I feel you?
Stay with me, don't let me go. Because there's nothing left at all
Stay with me, don't let me go. Until the ashes of Eden fall..."
When your facing a serious ongoing crisis (by men's standards) and you're still trying to live out your life as best you can, your brain will instinctively switch into "zero-sum" mode. "This or that" is all it's been conditioned to understand in moments of crisis. I tend to think that it's because it's doing it's best to conserve it's energy for the more pressing issues so it will not suffer standing in line at the Chinese take out readin through a menu that's been read over a million times. Decision making gets short and so will you if you don't keep that in check. A surface answer to my last post...
Oh and on top of that, I tested positive for Covid almost two weeks ago. Due to the combo I take (Quercetin/Zinc/C/D3) on the regular, my symptoms were that of a moderate flu except for one thing...the fatigue. I tried training through it and nearly injured myself so I been holdin back. Thankfully, I made so much progress leading up to this that I'm impressed by what has stuck. Still...training to me is also therapy (among many other things) so this has only made things worse. It's been a cornucopia of sh*t folks and I'm still not giving up. If you all knew what the ongoing crisis was...you'd all appreciate what I just typed a bit more. Trust me...it's not what any of you think it is.
Look, in times like these, like I've said many times, you get to feel everything and today, I had an enlightening conversation. You know, given "what" I am or at least, what I believe my role to be, I always let it go when I've felt slighted for no logical reason because I understood it "came with the gig". You can be the kindest person in the world to someone or love family unconditionally to the point of irreparable sacrifice and they can still stab you in the back. If a stranger does it, you can laugh it off but when someone that has your heart does it, it kind of chucks off a piece of it everytime. As God as my witness (something I NEVER say lightly) I don't care who comes and goes or what folk decide to do. What I do care about is how they manage their comin and goin when it pertains to me. I ask for NOTHING so there is never any pressure. Nor will I ever "take" the way others "take". I have had MANY opportunities handed to me to "take" but I knew that doing so would only cause harm. I opted for doing what was right outside of my own instant gratification out of respect towards the person I could've taken from. All I ever ask for is what should be forthcoming from one human being to another without ever having to voice it...reciprocated respect and honor.
I know a powerful woman that is a gamer extraordinaire. Everyone knows how I feel about "gaming" (relationship-wise...not my thing) but because she honored me enough never to play me or ever think she could "back-pocket" me (insulting)...I perceived her "gaming" was more about "survival of the fittest" than it was about raw power for ego or the childish need to seek validation from her "lessers". She gave me what I gave her...the respect of honesty and transparency. Something that made her all the more desirable to me. She didn't do it to impress me...she did it because it was who she was. Yet because of how real she was...she also knew my value and what I was all about. She wasn't ready for what I was offering at the time as she had a more conventional life to live out then. This was years ago. I understood it then and I understand it now when others are going through the same. Through it all, she knew that I was all I had shown her to be and continued to reciprocate the same respect I had shown her...even when she felt she hadn't. Hadn't spoken to her in years till just recently. She was not and is not perfect (just like me) but what places her where I place her, is the fact that she was always real with me and "real" for me...means respect and honor.
In my life, I've had folk I cared about speak negatively about me behind my back while pretending all was well. Others, that have kept information from me they thought would've changed my posture towards them without need (gamers move). Information that would have been important for the sake my own expectations and mindset to know. I've had family I had cried over and emotionally invested into straight up lie on me to others. Now mind you that these are very rare but the weight of these rest in what these people meant to me. Each time...brush it off...keep lovin on em. "Humans" gonna "human" you dig? Most of them don't even know that I know what I know and I can guarantee you that I didn't go looking for information. Understand this...that everything you do or say comes to light in one way or another. Due to this and "heavier" reasons...stay "correct"...ALWAYS. Do or say nothing in private you wouldn't mind the consequences of if made public...especially towards the person you're speaking about. I in no way excuse this behavior but there are some folk, you just can't cut out of your life just like that. So the next thing becomes inevitable...you back off internally. Something that may actually be worse but given the way some things go down...sometimes, your self-respect gives you no choice. It is the natural human reaction to some situations and is sometimes just as instinctive as the "this or that" I referenced earlier.
Yeah...but just as this defensive reaction is instinctive given the circumstance, "healing" should be the same but it isn't. THAT...is something we need to choose. My Lord has sustained my love even though I found out today (from my conversation) I've not fully healed from such things. Yet like "so much busted plumbing"...most ain't got no time for that either so what do we instinctively want to do? Run away...hide out...become invisible to most of the world. Things I cannot afford to fully do...nor can those that still need me. To remain who and what I am, I have no choice but to "heal" and that ain't gonna be easy given all that's going on. I suppose that makes it worth it then.
Yeah...this is next level sh*t right here. When (not if) I get through this...I'm wondering what will come out the other end. Interesting. You know, I've learned over time that this is also just another one of those things that..."comes with the gig"...I'm out...
~moses apollo
PS: "What gig?". I tried to explain this to folk that were not "raised" as I was before but was only met with confusion or the simplistic criticism of "he must think he's better than everyone else" when if they really understood, they'd know the exact opposite was true. They'd know that one of the pre-reqs of "the gig"...is "knowing one's place" will NEVER be at the front of the line but folk will think what they need to. So no...I'll not be speaking of that. You all can figure that one out on your own if you should so desire...or not ;-)
I have never in my life had to fight so hard to maintain a soft side to my heart. Someone did something small to me today and I was ready to shut them off completely. Without fanfare or discussion...my head just stepped away. No anger...just a feeling of "its time to go". Almost instinctive. It was the strangest thing. No argument or disagreement beyond a slight annoyance but it felt like the beginnings of being unappreciated, played or taken for granted (even though it really wasn't). Took a few seconds for me to see it inside myself and even then it was hard to shake off. Gotta understand folks, I need to remember this. I don't like this at all. Gotta figure this sh*t out...wtf...
I figure everything is taking its toll but it's never been this bad before. If you're going through this, just know you're not the only one...
