Clearly Marked Doors...

"I read the news today oh boy..."

Found out today that one of my sons' childhood friends with two kids of his own was almost killed tonight in an attack. Something I sadly write up in a dispassionate way. Why dispassionate? I warned a group of them years ago that you can't choose to walk through a clearly marked door expecting something different on the other side of it. Behind every marked door you can expect two things: what you were warned about and as everything else in life...surprises you just can't see comin. As I type this, all I know is that they are trying to stabilize him. Beyond that...nothing else. I told this young man years ago: "the life you're choosing has a ceiling and beneath that ceiling are the high probabilities of jail, death and everything in between. Your daughters are worth more than that". Being right REALLY sucks sometimes. I pray he is well but this is the road he chose. He was warned, counseled and shown love. Sometimes, that's all we're allowed to do as any more would be overstepping. Something that in some cases can be dangerous. Not just for you...but for others you carry with you as well.

We were treated to a phrase a long time ago that stuck. A phrase spoken to a character named Forrest Gump by his mother:

"Life is like a box of chocolates...you never know what you're gonna get" 

Yeah you read that? Well...it's bullsh*t. First thing you know right off the bat...you gettin chocolate. How do you know? It says so right on the damn box. Hell not even the assortment is a mystery as these boxes usually have a legend you can reference. The only thing you don't know is which one you will like more or which one will send you to the bathroom after you've had it with some strong espresso. So why am I hung up on this? Because we instinctively think "what else could I have done to avert this outcome?". A wholly self-important question...especially after doing all you were permitted to do. We, "the strong" think we could control most things to protect those we care about and we seldom factor in "choice". Get this through your head and heart fast: Beyond the made decision...we are done. Beyond that, all we can do is be there for them as they allow us to and hold them up in prayer. It was a hard lesson I had to learn years ago and I once again share it with you now here. Do not carry a weight that is not yours to carry. Especially after you did everything you could and were rebuffed. I don't care who we're talking about...friend, family, lover etc Not only is it wrong and unnecessary for you...but it could be disastrous in bigger ways later on...

You see them in the pit they chose and you're above it minding the rope at the ready to pull them up if they should ever decide to grab it. You think to yourself that maybe you should climb down there with them because of course you should right? Very bold, very daring, very..."loving" right? Except for a couple of things your superhero ass would've missed: Whose minding the rope then? Whose keeping a clear eye? To do so would remove their only lifeline but hey...you're doing ALL you could right? No...like I said many times before: the seemingly "right" thing to do is not always the correct thing. Your job is to stay sober-minded and vigilant. Live out your life as best you can and pray for the best outcome. You need that and one day, hopefully...so will they. They will need that strong arm to pull them up. Result and consequence are God's teaching tools. As hard as it is to watch at times...we cannot rob them of that. Look back on your own life and tell me I'm wrong. Now don't misunderstand me. I write about this dispassionately, not because I no longer care, but because I am so f*ckin tired of seeing this as he is not even close to being the first I've seen this happen to. 

As for you my beautiful people. On a general note, always remember this: if you know how to look, most doors will be clearly marked. We learn this through trial and error once we get past our own self-flagellation over the "woulda, coulda, shoulda" phase. Only after we've come to accept that errors in judgment are a part of life and living itself can we see all the markings. We come to learn that every door carries the risk of surprise past the signage. Some good...some bad. Some we know to avoid altogether but ALL should be vetted properly before entering. Each will always carry a level of known expectation based on said signage alone but vet them well and always take your "tools" with you...no matter what. 

On a side note: For me, the ones marked "clear roads ahead" are usually the most precarious as I have found out through experience...there is no such thing. It's kinda like reaching into an unmarked box that has what looks like chocolates in it with no legend to reference what is what. You seriously gonna eat that sh*t? Momma Gump obviously did and look how Forrest turned out!!! I REALLY hate that phrase!! Anyway...stay hip, stay sober-minded and please keep this young man and his family in prayer. I'm out...

~moses apollo

Evolutions Revolution...The Lava Flow...

"A thousand times I tempted fate

A thousand times I played this game

A thousand times that I have said

Today, today, today..."

It continues even outside the scope of what we thought was a fixed point. Beyond the scope of internal growth. Causality, action/reaction and relationship dynamics...all play a part in our evolutionary process. What do I mean? Consider your children or even yourself as a child hitting milestones in life. Milestones that seem to draw you away from friends or family you seem to outgrow. Graduating high school, getting that first degree, your first true love or even moving into your new apartment...all milestones that require loss of baggage in the form of people, places or things. In some cases the outgrowth is real and tangible but in others...it ain't always so cut and dry.

I remember the day I had to take my boys to school for the first time. After taking care of them as infants and toddlers, I now had to drop them off in a strange place. Not knowing if they would feel sad at my absence, if they'd eaten all their food or if their playtime made them laugh. How would these strangers know them well enough to comfort them. Though two years apart, I cried both times and called my then-wife to complain about how much I felt like a sucker for doing so. It felt like a loss but the hard reality was...it was simply evolution.

The transition from one path that diverges into two is probably one of the hardest to quantify. Sometimes we see it comin but we are seldom ever prepared enough to get through it unscathed in one form or another. We get so used to the path we're on, we plan for a future we were shown based on it alone. Not knowing that possibly staying on that path would keep us incomplete for the future we were expecting to materialize. It's a tricky thing to see in the moment of divergence but when the dust of it's overwhelming nature settles...it soon becomes clear enough.

You weren't wrong to see the future you saw. You were only wrong in how you thought you would get there. Destiny is destiny. It's like a lava flow that will burn through everything to create a better path towards the end you were designed for. A design that will always pull you in the direction you are suited for...ready or not. Your heart will show you and your mind will follow. The trick is knowing when your mind is jumping ahead of itself and that is never an easy thing to see, accept...or even course correct. Choices, misdirection, arguments and other incidentals will force the evolutionary process forward. After doing all we can to make sense of it all, all we can do is accept their outcome knowing something profound. What is meant to be...will be. 

I know enough to hold fast to what I "know" in my heart to be true and that will never change. The process and the choices others decide to take is out of our control. All I can do is trust my Lord to get me there...and that is enough to keep me at peace with all I see happening around me. The dust is settling and though some things may still look grim, my heart is advancing past the shock of it all into a place of acceptance. There are some you know you've outgrown and yet there are others that needed to venture into a path without you to eventually become what you both will need in a day that was always destined to arrive. 

I sail the skies and trust the wind...even as I sit in the eye of the storm. Much love...my beautiful people. Be at peace...

~moses apollo

Perfect...

"sunlight on your face...in my rearview"

"Beautiful" is perfectly flawed

Pining to feel its loss

Implacably pliable

Closely distant 

Housing refrigerated embers

As tears run down the soul

For hearts that crash and burn

And the almost there 

For the never really was

Trickling 'pon the rocks

New lava makes way

Creating roads that flow

Into a better path towards destiny

"Perfect"...is beautifully flawed

~moses

"just because..."

To Endure...

"Cause my monsters are real, and they're trained how to kill

And there's no comin' back and they just laugh at how I feel

And these monsters can fly, and they'll never say die

And there's no goin' back, if I get trapped I'll never heal

Yeah, my monsters are real..."

Is it pain? Grief? Confusion? I don't think so. This may just be the part of the game where I meet the "Big Boss" before the final prize. Where he overwhelms you by throwing everything at you that you had to face in the game one at a time at different levels. Yeah, that's it...right?

I remember walking into a dentists office years ago with severe pain from an impacted molar. He was the only one I could find at that hour that would take a walk-in. Told him the issue, he sat me down, gave me some local anesthesia and off he went tryin to pull the tooth. What a sight. Here is this dentist with powerlifter arms...sweatin. Tryin to get at this thing while his assistant has this worried look on her face. All of a sudden: "CRACK!!!" Yeah, he got some of the tooth out but it came off the bone. He and his assistant were sportin the hardest "oh sh*t" look I've yet to ever see again on anyone else's face. Why? Well...I started laughing. I found the whole thing preposterous and to be upset would just be stupid. Poor young chick was horrified as I sat there laughing my ass off with blood runnin off the side of my mouth. All I could think of was "yeah, this'll make for a good story". A little sadistic but fun yeah? 

Count up all I've been through and am still going through...damn if it ain't funny to me. If you could see the high-rise complex I'm holding up as it gets hit by every manner of storm, sabotage, foolishness, sickness and circumstance, you'd tell me to "let it go" but you see...too many folks live in it and I find it funny that God has me holdin it all up by a beam...ONE beam. It's all I see day in, day out. It's all I eat and drink. I train my body holding it...I make love holding it...I carry it with me everywhere I go. I shower with the freakin thing...and I find it hilarious. The seriousness and the weight of it all is not for the average soul and I wonder sometimes...I just do. To "ask" and only get back the answers you already know can be frustrating while at the same time...oddly comforting. The security of..."knowing"...

Everyone has "issues"...both internal and external. Then some like myself...face real world ordeals of life and death on a pretty average day. The only ones fully aware are the ones directly involved but most will never know it. Nor will most ever appreciate the gravity if I tell them as I will tell them like I'm readin off Tuesdays' special off the corner diner's menu. White noise after midnight seepin off an old school circa 1974 TV set...just for me...

Through it all, I know I'll be alright. My Lord has proven that time and time again. It's just goin through some things bearing and holding fast to all that you are is THE trial of all trials. I tell you the truth: You are not deemed strong by simply getting through an ordeal. You are deemed strong when you've come through with your heart not just intact...but stronger and wiser than it was goin in. So my love, I say to you...endure. After every t's been crossed and every i's been dotted...it's all you've left to do. Much love...

~moses apollo

The king Of The Pale Grey...

"The king looks out over his balcony into the clear night sky as Clair De Lune plays ever so softly in the backdrop of his room.  Gazing into the glory of the fullest moon he sighs as he can still find the silhouette of her pretty face.  He finds comfort in this..."

Excerpt taken from: Epiphany Of The Pale Grey by moses apollo

And still more as yet to fathom by all grace granted him, shown him...and loved into him. Understanding now that all what should deem him beautiful is simply the resonance of beauty within the beholder, the taker, the giver, the lover. Both known and unknown, seen and unseen...there is no "beauty" without the power of symbiosis called into play by internal design that so many miss. As yet another dance requiring both to be moved by the same music and just as one is moved by a work of art that touches a portion of ones' very soul...so does this thing we call "beauty". 

"So wherein can I boast? says the king. I can be blessed and drawn in by such grace given me...to move another to silliness, lust, love or passion but how can I call such a thing universally mine? I cannot...

Still no fool am I. Nor purposely blind to destiny, fate or design to claim a false humility that appeases the blind and insecure. I acknowledge my place in this dance and will move as I am called to move...with all manner of care and understanding. To do well to implant and supplant through experience, breath or touch of both. Associations that will ever touch to enlighten, breathe to inspire and burn to impassion. To do and be as I am designed to do...and be..."

"My moon has taken breath...her silence has marked her beauty..." 

"She waits..." says the king...

~moses apollo

How Much...

"...is that doggie in the window? The one with that waggley tail"

This is a piece that's been brewin & stewin inside for awhile. Maybe it's time to draw some lines in the sand and be done with it. Might be way too much goin on to get something like this right but I guess we'll see. Just tired of so much superfluous bullsh*t. 

In the war-like state, one tends to have heightened senses and I've noticed that in this state, most things done and taken in are exponentially enhanced for the sake of efficacy. This even includes the breaks one takes for intimate moments. It's like sitting to have a snack like a civilized savage that hasn't eaten in weeks every damn time. I am in that state right now due to a serious issue in my family and in this time of enhanced clarity, I've noticed something unrelated that's become a bit disturbing to me. That in this upside down world I've been speaking of, I am as yet surprised that even what is seen as having value today has been turned on it's head.

I've mentioned how we all carry our price tags around our necks whether we mean to or not. Not so we can be bought or sold but as an involuntary expression of our value that is on display everywhere we go. Now every once and awhile, it's important to read the zeitgeist to see what "the market" has determined has value (as opposed to one's TRUE value that's determined by our innermans' unseen best) and I was a bit sick to my stomach when I saw it. I am now looking at a world that has become so "basic" that even the "fetishized" has thrown it's hat into the category of universal beauty. So that even what is both physically AND sexually unhealthy is now validated as "beauty" by clicks on social media. A validation that inadvertently artificially inflates one's value in the eyes of many and sometimes...even in one's own eyes. 

Quick note: If you're one of those virtue signalers that needs to adhere to the lie that "everyone is beautiful" (in an outward physical sense) in order to satisfy some form of mass psychosislly obtained code of self-righteousness...this might not be for your baby eyes to read. This is called the gratuitous "trigger warning"...onward!!!

When every type of "tits, ass and muscle" has more value than heart, truth and real passion...we've got a problem. Now you may say "so says the muscle man that posts pics all the time!!" and you'd be right in your incredulity except for one thing you had yet to take into account: HOW you present what you present is oftentimes way more important than WHAT you present. The photos that get clicks are "oh me so horny, me love you long time" sh*t that attracts folk that could never afford what is actually being presented. I'll give you an example of what I mean: Some chick posts a photo of her vagina with a caption that reads "get some!!" and gets a bunch of likes, hearts and the occasional "what a nice shaped labia you've got there missy!!"...true story!! lol Now take a look at the "likers" and rank the likers or "validators" by what would happen had this been a real life situation. This is when that "validation" loses it's luster. One person that liked your photo wouldn't last 2 seconds in front of you much less get permission from his mother to even see you. Then there's the other dude that looks like he lives in a van and forgot to remove the copious amounts of hard tissue on display behind him off his profile pic. How bout the husband keen on posting pics as a decent man WITHOUT his wedding band. Still keen on this validation? Keep it real or don't keep it all my people. I get very few clicks on my photos because I always present them as something you can ONLY obtain (if obtainable at all) by getting to know my innerman first and THAT is way too much to ask for most. That price tag alone thins the herd substantially. It commands a respect that has some folk shootin their shot via DM so they won't get publically embarrassed (some baby sh*t I would never do unless publically provoked anyway). My price tag is always clear..."I am NOT cheap" and although what I am is easy on paper to somewhat understand, the "living out" of what I am is near impossible for most...especially today. I do myself no favors in this regard because I need to remain true to all I am and if there are to be any suitors...they need to know what they're looking to get into before even trying.  

So my "vetting" tweak? You only "get to" if you "get me". If you don't "get me" or have no interest in doing so beyond the "fantastic"...then don't bother even looking my way. I'm too complex to be simplified (quantified, labeled & neatly boxed) and if that comes off as arrogant to anyone reading this...then you're among those that don't "get me". I know my worth all too well and you can speak out your insecurity or virtue signaled false humility all you want to call it whatever your mind needs to call it. Keep it movin, I'm not for you...yeah, I'm gettin "like that". Given all I'm facing now...time has gotten more valuable by the minute. New folks askin or approachin me need to know this from jump: there's no game in my game. Those that know me still left in my corner...this ain't for you but enjoy the piece anyway.

I always said that I would wind up alone or close to it. That the ones that chose to remain with me will be something special. Something beyond ordinary and I always knew there would be very few left by the time that day came along. Not because I'm so great but because it would take women of serious emotional and passionate heft to love a man that chooses to love as true and as freely as I do...even as the same was expected in return. This world gets simpler and dumbed down by the day and some have succumbed to this to remain "relevant". To no longer feel the alien status they've been relegated to by the times, they've just quit growing "realer" as we are meant to over time. Yeah well not me...

I will continue to require critical nuanced thought in all my suitors. To allow those that are willing to connect beyond the physical (before the physical) a bit more access to me than most. Why? It's the only way they'll understand me without having to explain myself every five minutes. Ass, tits and a nice face is cool but nothing beats out peace of mind and ease of expression. Love and passion cannot easily flow free without these two pinnacles. To know that the person that's with you (even for the moment) is WITH you...makes the moment what it should be. Anything less is unacceptable. Trust me I'm fine as I am but I've only amended that to include the possibility for the "extraordinary" to still happen. It may only be a part of the fullness that is my life...but it's "experience" always adds that wanted spice to just about everything else.   

Now if there is anything you can glean from this uneasy rant of mine, I truly hope and pray that it was the understanding that you should never sell yourself cheap...even if the times are deceptively telling you that the "piece" you know to be worth 5 dollars is really worth 100 now. Propagated by folk that no matter how much of grandma's birthday money they've saved throughout the years, can't even invest 2 dollars much less the hundred they imply they have. Folks, you have REAL value and it's value that will usually receive no validation in the form of clicks or compliments but when ONE with the same value sees it, it carries way more weight than the hundred that don't. I don't expect compliments on my pieces but when I get one, it has real value. Not because of it's importance to me but because it meant someone was inspired enough by it to do something they wouldn't normally do. Means I did something there that was REAL...get it yet? I'm out my beautiful people...

~moses apollo

An Albatross Called Guilt...

"Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?

You build up hope, but failure's all you've known

Remember all the sadness and frustration

And let it go, let it go"

Been wanting to write about this for a long time now but other topics have drawn my attention. I guess now is as good a time as any...

Scenario 1: A dear family member of yours is goin through serious mental and /or substance abuse issues. Leans on you for support at first but when you start realizing your "enabling" and pull back, in their narrative you then not only become the enemy...but the very reason for their plight. End result...guilt sets in and you are now vulnerable to manipulation.

Scenario 2: A close family member was at one time subsequently hurt by a decision you made that ended badly. Your reasoning and deductions were natural and pure but the unanticipated happened and they got hurt in the process. Some time after the incident, you two get into an argument and the family member notices that you are now more pliable with them than you used to be. They come to understand that residual guilt has given them the upper hand and use this to their advantage towards control. End result...guilt sets in and you are now vulnerable to manipulation.

Take a look at what these two have in common...guilt. I have seen guilt destroy more lives than I can count and in almost every case...it was completely unjustified as the acts they felt guilty for were things anybody could have done given the same circumstance. In scenario 1 however...that's just a play on ones sense of "goodness". These targets are usually people that believe doing good in every situation is doing "right" and that is NOT always the same thing. Yes, to help is always a good thing but sometimes, it can actually do more harm than good as you can actually be depriving them of a hard lesson they actually need to learn. I can give many examples of this in my own life but scenario 2 is the hardest to get through.

In scenario 2, something happened that can be tied to a decision you made and learning to let that go takes understanding that your humanity (that is shared by every other human on this planet) was involved. It's coming to terms that it's not an excuse to accept this reality (especially if you are contrite) but it is in fact...a reason. It usually happens to folk that believed their formula to judge a thing was so on point they could do no wrong...hand raised. Due to our life lessons on a thing, we come to believe our "intuition" and/or reasoning on said thing is now bulletproof and needs no "vetting" and that my beautiful people...is all too human. After enough of these "errors", we can either shut down and decide our judgment is shot, never to trust it again...or we can fine tune our judgment referencing what we missed by learning to "vet" a thing better. 

Yet before anything else, we need to accept something: what happened to you was life in process. That life throws us unanticipated curve balls we cannot always see coming. If after that curve ball is handled properly, you must now let it go and learn from it. Know that it has not defeated you and that whatever residual guilt you feel from it is misplaced. As such...it should NEVER be used against you. Even by those that were hurt in the process of your mistake. Take back your place, power and authority. Trust that your judgment has course corrected and walk the path you know you were meant to walk...as opposed to the path you've convinced yourself is the only path you CAN walk based on a fear that should no longer exist. 

To admit this is hard to do but to accept anything less than your true worth demands is way worse. How you allow yourself to be treated and/or seen speaks to what price you place on your own value. If you know your worth...never settle for anything less. Whether intended or not...our pricetags are always on display. Never artificially remove zeros based on an unforeseen error. Be free of it...and live as you were meant to. Shine as you meant to...without fear... I'm out...

“He who blames others has a long way to go on his journey. He who blames himself is halfway there. He who blames no one has arrived.”

– Chinese proverb.

~moses apollo

Take It Deeper...

"I bleed it out, take it deeper, just to throw it away..."

 

"i believe destiny to be the best outcome based on our internal design & fate to be the furthest your destiny can take you. yet BOTH are based on certain set parameters that are informed by our choices..."

I posted this on Twitter on April 15th 2022. 

Some of us are designed to be the greater engine that houses all the smaller parts. While others may be that one cog in the engine that makes sure fuel flows properly. Others...the frame that holds it all together and still others...the outer body representing its design. Not all of these are sexy enough to be lauded or seen but ALL hold true to their purpose in the end. For either the good...or the detriment...of the whole.

Now some may rest on this idea and say there is nothing for them to "do" but that is a fallacy. The effectiveness of your design is based on preparation. Preparation's unique course that is set by the choices we make in life. To understand this so young is dangerous but to learn this too old...foolish.

Yesterday I faced the pinnacles of faith and fear to depths I've not had to for awhile. Even with specific warnings of events, you are never prepared for certain things but how we advance in our perception and subsequent attitude make all the difference in the world. This not only serves to reveal us...but also to prepare us based on our design.

I felt it all...and still do. My heart in my stomach, the chaos in the air and the desperation of the unknown. For a few hours...fear. That is until my Lord reminded me in the sternest way possible who I was in Him but more importantly...who HE was in me. My heart beats heavy but is now in my chest where it belongs. Chaos is ordered as it should be and the unknown is in the hands of the One that warned us of this in the first place. This is how we grow. It's when the chisel meets the stone of our existence. Who we are is defined by such things and I pray to get through it at not MY best...but HIS.

"if the world spins on...so to then must we..." 

~moses apollo apolinaris

The Monochrome Gray...

"make living what you want it to be..."

This is a record of my dream dated August the 2nd 2022. I don't usually post dreams on this blog but this one may have significance to a few readers that may stumble upon it. It did for me...

I was dropped off in a rural area...literally flown in. In front of what looked to be a friend of mine's house. What struck me the most right away was that everything was monochrome gray and what could only be interpreted as deep sorrow and despair permeated the air. I noticed hints of neon blue light seeping from hidden places. As though this light had been stashed away for either safe keeping or décor. As I got closer to the house, I noticed that the house had melded with a huge likeness of my friend sitting in a meditative pose but instead of the peace one would expect from such a design...it reeked of heavy sorrow. You could feel it crawling...almost like sweat on skin. 

In the next scene, I was walking with my friend in a field that was in front of the house. I remember that as I made my friend laugh, color began seeping onto her face, only to have her shake it off herself. Like she knew the gray and had decided that it was now part of her existence. I also knew that asking about the sorrow and despair would have yielded a response of ignorance to it since it had become the "norm" for her and everything else in the air. It wasn't that she had chosen it. It was as though it came with a built-in coping mechanism so long as it could make it's way into the fabric of her life. Everything was just so surreal at this point.

As we walked into town, I noticed splotches of color here and there but for the most part, monochrome gray was the norm there too. Everything and everyone seemed productive...but lifeless and bland. No smiling or interaction...pure focus. THIS was now considered "life". In that very moment, I had a moment of clarity: The world (individuals and collectively) had suffered losses in the past few years and in many cases, have been too busy or too locked down to find the proper closure for such losses. A perfect example would be the loved ones lost to "covid" whose families were not permitted to render their proper goodbyes. Many examples like this and others...all just trudging along with the pain of multiple losses until it became a part of them...a way of life. No time for hope, understanding or love to take their proper place in a healthy heart and/or mind...no time to really heal. It is to the point where as opposed to dealing with it, they have made deep sorrow a cog for balance. Like one of the four legs of their favorite chair and God forbid anything should disrupt that. It's not that it's preferred...it's just become a part of the make-up without anyone even noticing.

On my dream "tour" I asked out loud "what could I do about this?" The response? "Nothing...that's up to them...". As soon as I heard this answer fading in a distance, I woke up physically swatting what felt like a creeping shadow off my chest. In the dream...it was a creeping sorrow doing its best to crawl onto my heart. 

Typing this out now, I realize that this is way bigger than "you", "me" and/or "us". As the bigger picture comes into focus, I see us all futilely trying to treat the symptoms of a much larger disease as it stays hidden behind the treatments themselves. No...I'm NOT giving up. I will lose many in my process to stay alive due to the differences we may encounter but I refuse to lose myself to the idea that everything is sh*t and that the best we could do is watch where we step every second of every day. 

There are two mindsets that can place us in states of what some consider "zen". Both are mindsets of acceptance that place one in a state of "f*ck it". One is healthy...one is deceptively unhealthy and as such...dangerous. The healthy "f*ck it" mindset is coupled with a strong self-awareness and accepts the world as it is. Realizing that the only thing we CAN control...is how we choose to respond to it. Retaining our choice to see beauty in the face of ugliness. The unhealthy "f*ck it" mindset that permeated the spaces of my dream did not just simply accept the world as it is but it also relinquished control of any fight against it's internal changes. It created even more ceilings, boxes and safety protocols. Internal "masks", "curfews" and/or "no-go zones" if you like. Like living in an internal apocalypse. That to exist to survive was to live. An exact spiritual parallel to how we were told to survive this so-called pandemic. Yeah that just hit me. Now, I don't know what this will mean to some (if anything at all) but I know what it means to me. My course is set...I'm out...

~moses apollo

El Horizonte...

"al horizonte
aunque no exista
al horizonte voy..."

Monday morning is tricky today as melancholic clouds appear outside my window & do their best to make themselves at home in the orbit of my mind. For no ryhme or reason, I resist their invitations like a monk sworn to celibacy. Both blessed and cursed to love and despise...to feel and to be numb. To both laugh and cry as this holy horizon I've been waiting for can finally be seen from a distance like spotting land after being at sea for years. I know what it will mean to arrive...

In the silence of my quiet, I can feel the last gasp and grasp of something dying inside. Something I never thought I'd lose feels lost today. That "something" that inspired a constant love no matter what seems to be slipping by the day and at this very moment...I feel indifferent to it. Maybe it's the day or maybe it's the way but in either case, it's a part of me I don't want to lose. I'm just so tired of fighting to keep it in the face of all this world is producing...but as always...

"this too shall pass..." 

right?...

~moses apollo