"I'm on the front line. Don't worry I'll be fine. The story is just beginning. I say goodbye to my weakness, so long to the regret and now I see the world through diamond eyes..."
A very long time ago I had a woman I was somewhat interested in read just a few of my blog posts before getting to know me any further. As an intuitive myself, I could tell she was the same and I was curious as to what she would "see". Her response?
"You are a poet and a lover...but not by choice"
Yeah...she shot me with that. As interested as she was, she decided to walk away and remain cordial. That is until...we just stopped communicating altogether. Years later, I can attest to a thing that has always frustrated the hell out of me...she may have been right. Folks, I know my strengths and can name them without feeling braggadocious in the slightest. If you think me "too full of myself" then you really don't know a thing about me and maybe even less about yourself. I'd classify you as one that engages in false humility to somehow virtue signal your own humility which is in fact a spectacle of masked pride. It's easy to talk about your vices because "oh how humble he or she must be!!" but talking about your strengths is off limits because that shows "pride"? If that's you stop reading...this place ain't for you. Moving on...
So in what way was this beautiful intuitive right? Well the truth is, I didn't grow up to be a poet...but I am because I seek the purest expression available to man. As for the lover in me? He is simply an extension of the poet that sharpened skill through study to please the one he loved. Truth is...I grew up to be a "warrior". I grew up learning how to survive and thrive among the dregs of every "class". From the politically crooked to the serial murderer. I "read" where the dangers are to navigate them like I know them from memory. I've trained my body for years the same way I've trained my spirit...like I've been getting ready for a battle that can break out at any moment. Feeling like I'm always "ready" without the tension associated to that kind of mindset. Never really understanding why. Just knowing that myself and those with me would always be alright. That God had a purpose in this "training" of sorts. You know, it's a hard thing to explain but if I'm honest...it's how I feel most of the time.
My escape? Easy...sexy...cool. Where I can whisk away a lover for a spell of intimacy. Rockin the heart with a word that seeps out like a whisper dipped in "magic". The kind of magic you can't get from anyone else but me. It's all mine...tailored to the soul it's been given to. Tailored to reach deep into their heart because I took the time needed to map out every beautiful intersection and corner. To be able to go deeper into any and every secret place that no piece of flesh could possibly reach. That is the part of me that grew from seeking the heart of God and the truth is...God Himself has blessed me in this.
Yet after this moment, however long it need last...I get back in line as needed. Therein lies the issue with those that get close. Oh come, love the poet! Adore the lover...but the warrior? He's about as boring as watching paint dry. I can see most picturing an open shirt, long hair in the wind, a sword and a horse...nope. This warrior sits at watch. He's meticulous, precise and will wait as long as he must to prevail against his enemy. Employing all manner of warfare that is applicable.. Physical, mental, emotional and most of all...spiritual. Exhausted...tired...but never beaten. Where then does that leave those that professed their undying love for him? Heh...where do you think? They show up in pretty nighties and wonder why he seems aloof. They get frustrated, walk away, try a few others and come back to find him in the same spot. Why? It's pretty simple...he's in a foxhole they can't see and he'll be damned before he becomes the selfish prick that asks them to "wait" because the fact is...this is his life. Besides, he doesn't have the right to ask such a thing. With someone like him...they come to learn that they must take what they can get or nothing at all. Sucks...but it's true...
Those that know me understand that I have souls in my life that I am bound to fight for and that will never change. So long as that is the case...I can't change either. The latest battle is the hardest I've faced to date and I intend to see it through no matter how long it takes. I see it as an honor to fight for those I love and those that don't? Sorry you feel that way but you best move on. Yet understand this: This is not a complaint about some supposed plight but a simple footnote of clarification to a recent realization. So yeah...it's a good thing. Anytime you get to understand yourself better, you come to understand those around you better as well.
So I will admit to feeling lonely and abandoned in my foxhole. Wondering where all those that professed so much went after they saw the beginnings of one of my battles. When they saw the daily talks slow. When the poetry became dark. When the pining turned into an unattended frustration. When pics went unreciprocated. I actually felt like they bailed to "pastures less green" because "the muscular poet" wasn't always there flexing his "stuff" at their beck and call. Funny how that happens huh? Yeah...funny. That is until I decided to walk out of the pity party I threw for myself. All of that might've been true of them but knowing how special they are...I would've advised them to do just as they did. You know how you can usually tell if a person is in pain? How they usually grimace or say "ouch"? Well...I do neither. To them, I must've seemed like I just didn't care anymore because battles one wants to win require the need to drown out all other things. Even that which you want the most takes a back seat when you decide to take on a battle that could determine a life or death outcome. I do not blame them but instead, I thank God I had the time with them I was able to have. Most people don't even get that so yeah...I will always consider myself more than blessed.
Folks...it's easy to love a poet and it's even easier to succumb to a lover. It takes years to learn how to love a warrior. I just ain't got that kind of time...
*Boom lay, boom lay...boom*
~Moses Apollo Apolinaris
