...never giving up on the soul that has it and never taking it for granted...
...not just a feeling but it is also the driving force of sacrifice...
...knowing where to stand and knowing when to step aside....
In this world of ego and possession, many have lost the capacity to truly love with abandon and that my friends makes it all the more valuable to find. Just keep in mind that when you do, all that is "self" will no longer be in play as the only thing that will be of import is what is best for the object of that love. This will cause confusion and sometimes pain of loss but that is not the fruit of love. No, instead, that is the fruit of "self" that cannot fathom how one that could truly love walk away from what they truly love. Is it really walking away though? Or is it making room for something more? Too many play the zero sum game in matters of love when love's complexities go way beyond that. If you're just tuning in? Welcome to my world...
I have been in situations where I have had to make the choice between keeping the mindset of hope or taking on the concept of possibilities. With hope, you allow yourself to see the object of your love as just that. With possibilities, the object of your love takes on another role. Becoming a possibility of something that may happen in life if all things should line up correctly. You never completely remove yourself from the lives you've come to truly love but if need be, you change your mindset for their benefit and your peace. Due to the strength of your love, they may never grasp the difference.
Love is my anchor. My reason for living and why I still remain as I am. So love with abandon and inso doing always remember the truth of all things before you. Stay sober-minded in your drunkenness so that if the day should ever come when your mindset must change, you will not do it in bitterness, anger or frustration. Instead you will do it with the same love you have always had because although your mindset will see change...your truest love will not. Much love my people...rest easy...
"...You let all the girls go, makes you feel good, don't it?
Behind your Broadway show, I heard a boy say, "Please, don't hurt me"..."
Alot of people search a lifetime seeking their place in this machine called "life" but every once and awhile...some are able to see their place through others. Watching "The Outsiders" as I listened to the eclectic collection of music on my Ipod produced a different experience altogether. WE...are "The Outsiders"...
My father was a teenager when he left Puerto Rico in search of a better life. He left, in essence, to find a reason for his existence. He found his way to New York. He worked odd jobs while he lived with a mother that had left him with her parents in Gurabo. She thought him "safer" without her. After much deliberation, she may have been right. This man grew up to be a flawed nobleman with the heart of a poet lacking the eloquence of expression. What frustration. What an enigma...until he freely opened his mouth. You saw his words and art through his life...his giving without reservation...his ever present love. Every woman that has ever held his heart still holds his heart and devotion...even to this day. Through him, I received the truth of real love. The truth that love, when real...is eternal. It is something you cannot fight and is more than worthy of attention when called to action within the bounds of what is "right". That it never works outside those bounds and if tried, will be doomed to failure. That it must be free and true to ever be able to flourish into the eternal. In both success and failure, he is my hero. He is my muse in the ways of love and nobility. I will never know a better example of all I call "father" and "man". A part of me will die the day Father God decides it's time for him to come home...but in my tears, I will rejoice.
My mother always saw herself as the black sheep of the family. Being the only one to stand with Papa Eduardo as he stood accused before church counsels of infidelity. A man of great renown in the Dominican Republic, he was driven to exile but she never gave way to despair. Later in life, standing alone...nothing would change. I have seen her greatness of strength. Managing to provide the best for her children on her own without ever having to resort to using the least of what is called "woman". Her heart desirous...her strength feared. I have truly seen what is called "woman"...and it is strong. It is everything we lack as "men" and are afraid to express. It is perfect. Flawed...but perfect nonetheless. The unending reservoir of strength within womankind is the story of her life. I love and admire her beyond words. She longs for home but holds on for the sake of seeing her children become more than they are. A daily prayer to say the least. She is very special to me and holds a place reserved for no other...she is my template...
My brother is a man of many faces. The one he loves to wear is of the man that doesn't have a care in the world. The selfish man...but I see past that. His life of shortcuts and turmoil have him pressing for relevance in the eyes of his little girl. She is the only thing that really moves him to tears past the hardness of the life he's endured. To see her smile because of something he's done means the world to him and all he does is for her. Yet...he deems it necessary to put aside his true motivation lest it slow his progress. No one really sees it. I do...and I love him for it. I so envy his fearlessness...
My sister is my angel. She really doesn't know how far my admiration extends for her. A woman that God has taken through the worst of herself only to come through wanting "better" for herself. To "believe" even after all she's been through inspires a faith in me unparalleled. She doesn't know and she should. I love her and one of my greatest frustrations lays on the fact that the human tongue has no words to express it. How proud I am of the woman she's become makes her past make all the sense in the world to me. It's like watching a flower blossom...and she's about three quarters of the way there. Although 4 years my senior, I will always accept my role as her "older brother". She knows what that means...
My step-mother. Another amazing woman, gave me an old school code that originated in the streets of Ecuador. Standing on an old school principal and decorum that was only manageable from the inside out. She stood by my father no matter what and loved my father enough to love me just the same. She took on the full role of "mother" at a young age and she didn't need to. All the while teaching me that the small gestures matter more than the elaborate. Teaching me that even though you have very little, the heart is more than enough to satiate through "family" the hungry soul. All via the simple pleasures of life and love. Her life is my own and I honor her among those that have made this man all he is today.
My years as a man began early for me. I married at eighteen. Not for necessity, but for love. This beauty's name was Millie. I remember praying for her when I was about fifteen. My father drove the church bus. As I saw her get out with her grandmother and sister, I said "Lord, what about her?" God answered years later. Her patience and love assisted in turning me into a man of understanding. A man of honor and passion for beautiful things. I became a better man because that is what she deserved and the love we have for each other inspired the beautiful in us both. The elements involved? Near flawless. She will always be "la babe"...and she knows it lol We may have amicably divorced, but our love And mutual respect remained...the ultimate evidence that it was real. Our two sons stand as a testament to who and what we were and are as parents...as people. The pride I have in Millie, Josh and Caleb has no limit and they will always be under the guard of my wing and shade of my love. They are all beautiful to me...and they always will be. People, you can never deny what truly made you. There is no "greener grass". It's all just different. Each blade carrying its own complex beauty...and an understanding heart will accept the truth of this. Divorce or not, a piece of paper will never determine the vastness and complexity of love. We may not be "together" but she is as much a part of me as my skin. Thanks Dad...
I have played the song above throughout this piece and I can admit coming close to tears at times. Especially about mom and dad. I haven't felt to cry like this in quite some time and it's a hard thing for me to do freely anymore. I know all they really mean to me. Most wait till after death to see their parent's contribution but being who I am allows me to see the fullness of their roles in my life. To know one day I will lose them is heartbreaking to me but without death, there really is no sense to "life". I understand "me" now more than ever. I get all I'm about through the best of all those that surround me because I mirror them...even if they think they mirror me. My friends during and since have all served as confirmation of all I have I have learned and know to be true. It has and is my blessed grace to know in love and passion those I call "pretty", "amazing", "homie", "tender" and "phenomenal". My "Texas rose", my "maddie", my "flower" and my "habibi". My friends, my church family and "crew". They will never truly know the role they have played and still play in the heart of the man seeking evidence of all he knows to be true. All special. All relevant. All forever etched into the heart of this man...and all worth way more than this vagabonds heart.
Now you know. It's clear isn't it? If you can't see all I'm trying to show you then you must be blind. You are not an island. Life, circumstance and surrounding souls influence your growth. How you see them makes all the difference in the world and if you can't see the good in them as well as the bad then your growth will feel the pain of it. Dress yourself with an understanding heart. See it all...and learn...
Tonight...I am like a man that has eaten to satisfaction but can stand to eat a little more...
I remember a time when men were from Mars and women were from Venus. When my weakness was her strength and my strength was her weakness. When men and women just fit like two puzzle pieces drawn together culminating into the beautiful bigger picture. I want, she wants...we need. What happened? Somewhere along the way some genius thought it ok to blur the planets. They said it was an uneven exchange. That one held power over the other. They manipulated this change by highlighting Mars' scant evils as opposed to what it truly meant to be different and unique. They thought in doing so they could diminish the strength of men but in the process...everybody lost. Venetians lost their uniqueness and with it...their power. As a Martian, I feel somewhat lost...as I no longer recognize my planet or it's occupants. Yet my power remains undiminished as it is still in use but so many have lost so much that they now meander the streets alone taking what they can get...just to be able to feel connected. Planets used to meet with an understanding based in at least some modicum of truth and transparency. Now, they must meet under a cloud of suspicion because you can no longer tell where they are from...or where they truly wish to take you...
I really didn't know how bad it was until today. I just went into a store to grab a protein meal and was greeted by someone that actually wanted me know she was interested. She didn't care if she looked needy or desperate. She didn't worry about holding some fictitious "upper hand". She just wanted me to know that she saw me. I instinctively began to give her a look over to see what was wrong with her as would any man in this age. I looked at her face and it was beautiful. A bright smile accentuated by her blue eyes, flaming red hair and pale skin. I saw no issues with her figure as it was clearly above average. Now, she was not the first to show interest but this one had no need to as she is one that men would easily show interest in. Usually women "in demand" don't even bother or play the "coy" game. It hit me as I left saying nothing but "thank you sweetheart...good night" that I was awestruck by this creature. Not for looks or anything else on the exterior but because it had been some time that I met someone that seemingly had no pretense. That wasn't afraid to give so much so soon. She wasn't forward. She didn't arch her back or pick something up so I could notice her ass nor did she wink or lick her lips. Classless standards I am now sadly accustomed to. She just showed interest. I have been so used to "coy" and "playing it cool" after "hints" at interest are shown. Always having to read signs and body language. Gauging facial reactions and wondering what they mean all in the name of "we can't sweat him too much or his head will explode". Having to endure this exhausting game played by so many. A game that has kept so many real men and women closed off. So much so that women are stuck playing games with boys that don't know how to be men. Too needy or too aloof with no sense of self. Eager to please while always expecting something in return...
Think back a ways. Remember being a kid in Junior High? Getting a scribbled note on torn loose leaf paper that read "Hi my name is *** and I like you, would you like to meet sometime for pizza?" She didn't tell me what she wanted to do to me. She didn't hit me with labia pics right away. She didn't tell me where she lived. She just showed interest. No games played...just interest. I just realized how important that was to me today because it is so rare. Only to remind me of all that had been lost.
Ok so the million dollar question: Will I pursue? My answer now is a tentative no. Only because I think I may have gotten the best I could ever get from that encounter...so why ruin it? Besides, I ain't in no hurry. Folks, the future is wide open for me and I'm open to it all. Things and people I love are still on my horizon of hope so who knows... All I know is that tonight I feel a little less lost and I'm glad about that. The night was "sweet-like"...I'm out
"...On your love I stand. Because of who You are I know who I am..."
I unlock this memory for a pertinent reason tonight. I knew this kid once that shared a story with me. He knew he could tell me because I am not one to get freaked out easily over spiritual matters. I don't say all I know or have seen because frankly, people are quick to dismiss such things out of hand...even when they have seen things themselves. They put it out of their minds as though they never saw, heard or felt what they actually saw, heard or felt. Needless to say, I'm not one of those...
This kid began describing some of the things "prophets" have seen him do concerning his future but the one that really frightened him had to do with a chance encounter. He was staying at his mother's house. A mother that was raised in the ministry and operated under the gifts of utterance herself. That night she had come from a meeting with a little woman that had prophesied over her own life with chilling accuracy. He didn't think anything of it since he's met so many so he left his room to introduce himself. He said that as he drew closer to her with his hand extended, she recoiled as if to cover her eyes. She raised her eyes and looked at his mother saying "I can't tell you what just happened but as he came closer to me I felt as though heaven regarded him as something powerful or "great"...I have never felt that before". He said he just bowed his head in humility and fear allowing them to pray over him. The kid was visibly shaking retelling this story as though it had just happened to him and I had no words to give him...
What do you tell someone that has heard all his life he was meant for great things but was afraid of all it could mean? What does he do in choosing an ordinary life still seeing and hearing glimpses of a future that scares the crap out of him? I have no freakin clue. Of the kid I can only say that I hope that all he's gone through is enough to prepare him for whatever future God has in store. As far as I know, he never said no to his purpose...he only feared it. Thankfully, the scales of that fear have been dropping into the acknowledgement of an inevitable destiny.
For you, my beautiful people, all I will tell you is this: Too many are afraid to venture into great things simply because they feel their abilities may never meet the task given them. The truth is that God cares less about your ability so long as your availability remains open. Avail yourself to greatness and He will take care of what abilities you need to meet the task at hand.
Hear that? That's just me puttin a lock back in place lol
"...I was sent to warn you: the devil's in the next room..."
A beautiful house sits high upon a hill. A sight to see among the houses. Prosperous and managed with detailed order. It's greatness...unmatched. It's wealth...unparalleled. It's occupants...envied by all. All seems almost perfect, except for one thing...it's unseen tenant. A tenant that has lived beneath the house long enough to outlast every new occupant that came and went for many years. Living lifetimes without allowing himself to be seen as threatening in any way. Always making sure to appear meek, humble and frail. Yet what many did not know was that he considered himself the true master of the house. He quietly ruled in secret through crafty machinations and deceit. He slyly created a system that allowed him to syphon riches from every new occupant by convincing them that the greatness of the house was dependant on the system he had created. A system that tethered him into every section of the house...he could never be removed.
One night, he decided to reach out to the other unseen tenants that lived in the lesser houses to see how they could increase their power and wealth. They came up with a plan that would require this once beautiful house to lose its place on the hill. To weaken its status among the houses in the land till they were the only power strong enough to rule. Yet as the weakening began...the occupants took notice. They began to try everything they could to stop the decline but nothing could be done as the systems in place were controlled by the unseen tenant. The greater the decline, the stronger he became and the stronger he became...the more brazenly wicked were his actions. With his power unchecked, the occupants themselves soon became his playground. Yet in his hubris, he made a grave mistake...he allowed himself to be seen. All the other unseen tenants that conspired with him would soon follow suit until one by one...they were all revealed.
New occupants across the land saw what they needed to do and it would not be easy as evil unseen appears docile so as not to be noticed but once evil is revealed for extraction...it will fight back with all its force in unrepressed abandon. A force that has the ability to destroy anyone or anything in its path while infecting the very atmosphere with its darkness. A darkness meant to confuse and contort the truth whose aim is fixed to suppress the needed belief of a victorious end. The occupants pressed through it all and decided to fight this evil until all subversive systems were finally removed. With the same passion they used to fight this evil...they knew they would be able to rebuild and restore all that was destroyed in battle to create a more prosperous land.
In this great war, they came to understand a truth: Just as a fever is needed to destroy an infection, so must evil be purged in the same manner for real restoration and change to take hold. Nobody likes a fever as some can prove fatal but if it will cleanse the system of infection...it's worth enduring. New beginnings always are...
"Traveling in the world of my creation. What we'll see will defy explanation..."
A man is at work when he gets a phone call from his friend. His friend proceeds to give him the details on the rumor that his girl was having an affair with his neighbor. He calls his girl and it goes straight to voicemail. He won't be able to see her for another 6 hours. In those 6 hours every thought is running through his mind. With every new voicemail message he leaves, he imagines his girl with his neighbor. He can see them laughing in his mind. He begins to formulate every possible scenario in his head about the times he couldn't reach her. He feels embarrassment, hurt and angry...until the rage sets in. After work, he runs a few red lights to get home in a hurry only to find his girl is not there. He runs to his neighbors house banging on the door but no one's home. So he goes back home and sits seething in the dark...marinating in his new found righteous indignation. His girl finally walks in, turns on the lights and is greeted with accusatory questions. Accusations come flying out of his mouth towards a woman standing stunned and frightened until he finally tires to allow her a word of defense.
It turns out the reason she was out all day was because her mother was rushed to a hospital whose emergency ward had poor reception. By the time she could leave, her battery had died. She vehemently denies the affair so he calls up his friend that proceeds to calmly let him know that he had made a mistake. The woman that was having the affair shared the same first name. His friend was trying to call him back to tell him but he couldn't get through because the line was tied up by the countless times he was trying to reach his girl. His girl is now hurt that he would even entertain the thought she was unfaithful after so many years together and although he was apologetic...traces of indignation as yet remain.
Imagination is a powerful thing. Couple that with information and a plausible storyline will make its way into the subconscious. A storyline that lasts long enough in the mind has the ability to reach into your soul to make it feel alive...even though it didn't happen. We fill in the blanks when we don't have what we need to come to a definitive conclusion and that is where we risk much if we allow ourselves to speak and act on our imagination. What can we risk? Relationships and peace of mind. I have seen riots form in the streets when the media in an effort to be "first" as opposed to "right", had put out a incorrect narrative. I have seen these rioters feel the righteous indignation to do what they did long enough to never come to the place to accept the correction. Stories will be told and rumors will abound but the answer lies where it always does...in us.
I learned long ago to have the temerity to say: "I don't know it all yet". If I don't know it all yet, I will ask questions. I will calmly wait to know more and I will never allow a half truth to infect my soul. Learn to be patient as there is wisdom in this. Learn to be humble enough to know you don't know enough to let anything rob you of your peace. Ask your questions. Ponder your mind for reasoning...but let none of it move your heart until you know it all. There are those that pride themselves in their ability to think unconventionally but always keep in mind that convention has its place. Thinking outside the box is a blessing...just don't forget the box. Sometimes...she isn't picking up because she's actually busy. Be at peace my friends. More importantly...learn to stay that way. Much love...
"The laughter and the lie in our life. That is where I find
A hundred reasons why..."
The quintessential romantic has spoken ad-nauseum of love. How beautifully eternal she is. Her character way beyond mine is perfectly designed to supplant our own when we fail. Tonight I wrote a piece as I will many times acknowledging my fears because when I do, one of my better friends steps in if it is His place to do so. He did not disappoint. For standing beside love, there are two other entities that stand apart from what is done, seen and heard. This one keeps me alive, living and loving even though there is room to acknowledge despair. He keeps me afloat when all seems lost and over. When my hands crack from cold and my feet fail from feeling worn and shredded. His name is hope. He endures so long as there is something still there I cannot see. He provides me with eyes to see beyond the storm. With ears to hear beyond the raging winds and with the sense of touch that reaches beyond the veil. He becomes an extension of me...and I am re-invigorated to believe, to hope and love all over again. My faith empowers the two...giving my soul what is needed to feel their heartbeat beyond what circumstance has muted...
For after all of my humanity has failed to keep me believing, hoping and loving...they step in as the divine entities they are to help me press on. They do so when whatever is on the other end of that belief, hope or love has greater meaning than just a simple selfish want...
"And now stays faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love..."
So what's next? I have no clue but I'm definitely now more intrigued. I will acknowledge my fears, my despair and my seeming losses for one reason alone...to fight them if I can. As I can only fight an enemy I can acknowledge exists. So if I brood, it won't be for long. If I bleed, you won't see no bandaid...I'm cauterizing the wound. Now you see how my love, my hope and my faith endures through it all. I have accepted them as friends. I have learned to trust their guidance and push. As such, I cannot be stopped. I will face despair many times over and every time my friend will step in to remind of all that is at stake...and all that awaits. He will renew me every time until my feet cross that finish line and no more questions need be asked.
My vision is clear at this moment, all that I hope for is still before me and all that I love is still mine to love...goodnight and sweet dreams my lovelies...
a thermodynamic quantity representing the unavailability of a system's thermal energy for conversion into mechanical work, often interpreted as the degree of disorder or randomness in the system.
2.
lack of order or predictability; gradual decline into disorder.
We all have our systems where we feel safe or at least "safe enough". We have them for self-preservation and we have them for our families, friends, lovers etc. Allowing us to always be able to find the math that makes sense in every equation of our lives. Question is: How well do they hold up when entropy licks in? When chaos is just around the corner waiting to throw them all out of wack? Are your systems and ideas designed to bend without breaking? In my case I have instinctively designed all my systems with chaos in mind without even knowing I had done so and I realize it all has to do with "moving pieces".
First, consider the man that formulates deep roots into one particular area. He builds his multi-million dollar home in deep seeded territory never taking into account natural disasters or shifts in power that may occur at any given time. His investment is his life savings so any chaos that may intrude into his perfect world would be devastating.
Now consider the wayward traveler that carries all his belongings in his bookbag. He has no roots to speak of nor does he feel the need to have them. His life is one moment to the next. A random life without systems or order. He's just as happy sleeping in the street as he is in a warm bed. Some romanticize this life but in truth, it is a lonely life and can become tiring real quick.
So what then do I do? Moving pieces my loves. All my pieces have deep roots but are never subject to anything that cannot move with me in my times of needed fluidity. I take the best of all things and take those with me wherever I go. My homes are always designed with the minimalist in mind that can fit into a small uHaul truck if need be. My modes of transport never carry with them a car note so they can be stolen or lost without remorse. I plan to remain but design to move as life would have me Only taking with me what I can never replace. Folks, the most important thing above all that I carry with me are my roots in love. These forever planted roots are found in pieces of souls that I can always carry inside. I take the best of them and deep seed my love so that it can never be lost...no matter where I find myself to be. The more time has passed, the clearer that becomes.
Build your systems for stability but always keep chaos in mind as a constant so that when it does come, it will only serve as a catalyst for evolution. That you will bend without breaking. That you always keep secure that which is most important and that what is fleeting or replaceable can be let go of without much remorse.
Let your hands carry much but never grip so tightly that such lose their choice to stay held. For where there is choice, there is the ability to truly grow in love and everything else. Don't ever stifle what you've chosen to love and care for. Yes, there is the chance for loss but the benefits of growth far outweigh any and all such risks...much love...
"You know, I've seen a lot of people walkin' 'round
with tombstones in their eyes"
You know for a long time I really didn't understand the addict. I thought these people were at best, using excuses for a quick high or at worst, just weak. That was until I was court mandated in 2014 to sit in sessions with them everyday for 8 months straight. Yes, I was mandated. A story I will save for another day. Yet it was there that I was able to see firsthand shades of grey between the black and white we self righteously refuse to see. What I saw was people. Ordinary people talking about things they needed to get off their chest. Some of these things were extreme gut wrenching experiences but most of them spoke about everyday occurrences they saw as "triggers" to use. What got me the most was that these "triggers" were simple emotional responses to situations that if allowed to run their course, would produce real world personal growth. Something that their drug of choice would not allow them to experience. So in the place of feeling pain, disappointment, anger, frustration, distress, urgency and any other emotion we as adults, should be trained to cope with, they would pick up to use to anesthetize their feelings. In doing so, stunting emotional growth to the point that everyday life without their drug of choice was like climbing a mountain. Every single day is a challenge. Everyday life and circumstance is a test within itself. The question at issue always was, "How do I deal with this without my trusted drug" and when you've been using for 4 weeks or 40 plus years, rewiring your make-up is gonna take pain through an unparalleled determination to succeed. Understanding them, I understood myself better and the more I understand the truth of myself...the more I understand the truth of humanity.
There are many at this reading that will say "no, not me" but as I have discovered of my own addictive personality, some shackles become so fused with our own skin that we can't even see them. You see, instead of learning to cope with the burdens of my plight, I took to distraction and since my distractions were not considered "addictive", I thought I was fine. Whether it was the company of others, a night out, a drink or anything that kept me from dealing with my emotional turmoil, I began to notice that these at times became crutches for me. Now you look at that small list of things and say in a somewhat defensive tone "what's wrong with those things?". I'll tell you straight and say "absolutely nothing" but as in everything else that requires personal growth, the tool of brutal honesty must enter the equation. I found my crutches by asking the simple question..."do I want these things?...or do I NEED them?". Are these required self medications for feeling better? Understanding that "feeling better" is nowhere near the same as "being better", I understood that these things became my coping mechanism as opposed to what they should have been...simple recreation. There is no "one size fits all" and every man must examine himself under the sunlight of brutal honesty to see the hidden shackles of life keeping one from real growth so I don't have a "to-do list" for you. That...you must find out for yourself. To my friends of faith, I can give you all the simple answer and say "ask God" but then that scripture comes to mind that reads "faith without works is dead". That scripture is not a call to "do" outwardly for acceptance from God. It is in truth a call to "work" the truth of all things inwardly so that God can work it "out" and that is not for anyone but you to decipher. If personal growth is of import to you, then get that brutal light on and do what needs doin folks.
After some time at this center, a beautiful soul came up to me and said "You know what Moses, I come here everyday for you". I just looked at him and said "I appreciate that beyond words but in all honesty, that may be why you've been comin to a one year program for 4 years...my brother...you need to be comin here for you". Much love my people...
What mystery speaks without exposition that goes written on the flesh of men and women shedding ash for grace. To learn how to replace the mask worn for their own that is worthy to be shown but has stayed hidden and as such...remained unbidden...
I come tonight to talk about an issue near and dear to my heart. It is the very foundation of wisdom and where the greatest strength is found...humility. That place of accountability where you can admit where you've gone wrong. Not for a pity party or to beat yourself into stagnation but to let you see what needs fixing so that you can create a strategy to get it done. Many of my readers are true folk and as such have beautiful "faces" but choose to wear a mask to hide the scars they wear out of fear that the scar will define their existence. My people, take it off and do nothing but look at your face. Take your time and see all your lines. Find the beautiful in your ugly but where ugly is just ugly...call it out. Let no one tell you that you are "literally" perfect as you are because that is a lie. None of us are. We all need improvement. People love to talk about "loving yourself" right? Well stop listening to folk that are advising you to lie to yourself. I love my son enough to tell him the road he's on leads to destruction. We don't accept our weaknesses to coddle them. We accept them to be able to change them or in the least, strengthen other areas so that those weaknesses no longer pose a threat to all the beauty God and life has allowed to bloom. Yet for all this to happen, we have to come clean. We have to keep it real. Cry if we need to. Get in the mirror and tell ourselves off and in the end, become the catalyst towards our betterment. It don't take much because what you need to become is already in you. It just takes dying to all that seeks your destruction. I made the mistake of falling into the same ditch because I kept calling those failures "mistakes". When you finally come to end of yourself you realize that a repeated mistake is nothing more than a bad habit called a mistake to by-pass all accountability. Own them but don't do so to celebrate them. Own them to be able to starve them to death.
Some of you have been through so much that you don't even believe you are worth all that trouble but I'm here to tell you that you are. That you have faced all that you have to survive for a reason. You are here to be more and to do more than you have ever imagined. Which is why I find the greatest strength and beauty in souls that have faced much...and lived to tell the tale. That is you and that is me my beautiful pretty souls. I am not defined by my weaknesses...and neither are you. If I ever saw something great in you then that is what you will always be in my eyes. Slip-ups, trip-ups and all because I know that eventually you, like me, will come to end of yourself and accept that you are greater than any weakness would have you believe. You are my silent heroes...
Most seek to hide the scars drawn by evil but hiding wounds keeps them untended and vulnerable to infection. They wear a mask that most would consider respectable based on what's already inside them. So tonight I offer a beautiful truth. That healing beneath that calcified tissue is possible. Not by placating the scars creating more of the same but by acknowledging the truth of their cause. By finally accepting that although you may wear those scars...those scars don't have to wear you.
So to that face that has gone unbidden...I bid you tonight. Be seen, be refreshed, be renewed...accept your healing...
"Wow, after I jumped it occurred to me, life is perfect, life is the best. It's full of magic, beauty, opportunity, and television, and surprises, lots of surprises, yeah. And then there's that stuff that everybody longs for, but they only real feel when it's gone. All that just kinda hit me. I guess you don't really see it all clearly when you're - ya know - alive."
Take a look at your children. If they're young, how they smile and laugh at the simplest things. Their astonishment when they find out how things work for the first time. A new word, a new math problem learned and the excitement of a new found friend. Their innocence let's you know that you are doing the job you need to do. That you physically had a hand in making them or that your love for them has made them yours makes no difference. You become just as innocent at the thought that these came from you and will forever require you to maintain a lasting supply of true love needed for deposit. If they're older, your pride has no limits as you watch them succeed through gain or loss. To see them learn life lessons that will allow them jump on their own soon brings tears to your eyes knowing you have done the job you needed to do. Through frustration and failure, wisdom and foolishness...you begin to see mirror images of the best of you.
Take a look at your home and remember the man you walk past at the train station near your home that sleeps nightly on a cold bench. Or the woman that sleeps on a piece of cardboard just a few feet from your door. Who knows why they are in the condition they are in but in their minds, they've sunk so deep into their hole, the way out is too daunting to climb till the floor they are standing on becomes their home. All of a sudden, those dirty walls don't bother you as much because you realize you have walls that shelter you from the elements. Take a look at where you've been and what it took to get to where you are today. Take stock and find yourself blessed beyond measure. Not that you should be content to the point of stagnation. Yet content enough to reason away all petty complaints that drives one into unnecessary misery. So many are blessed and have not taken the time to notice. Take a look around, see it all for yourself and rest in the peace gratitude provides...I'm out
"...I will always love you...I will never leave you alone..."
Nostalgia hit me tonight in a big way as youtube played on through 80's romance classics. Reminding me of a little blurb I decided to write in the aftermath of my divorce. You see I didn't know much about the single life but I had this idea about love. That it was a special thing...a beautiful thing. So before I wavered into my time of jaded debauchery, I was enamored by this thing to the point of blindness.
This is what I wrote:
"You know as a kid I often fantasized that love was roses and poetry, laughter and holding hands, a stroll and a carriage ride through central park. All beautiful and flowery things…I’ve since come to find out the drastic realization that with these flowery things, come the thorny as well. With the elation of union, there is also the pain of loss. With the warmth and comfort of united hands, there is also the dry cracked feeling of the empty, solitary palm…the one that misses its counterpart. Undeniable truths…there is no joy without sadness and there is no reward without a challenge. Such is life, such is love. Not everything will be perfect, not everything will be great but to love…just to love is truly worth every minute of life it can sap from you. The cost can consist of restless nights where all your mind can do is count the minutes till you see her next or it can also mean the stress of nerves from the constant thought of wanting your time together to go perfectly. This means you are alive. When your heart can beat with the same rhythm as hers…when you just can’t help but smile or squirm at the thought of her. It lets you know that there are things in this universe that are meant to happen. All with or without warning…two just drawn together for whatever time they have…two souls that may have met in heaven sometime just waiting for a reunion on this planet of ours. Whether they recognize each other in an instant or over time is of no consequence. The quantity of hours, minutes and days together are unimportant. Marriage and the like...all symbolic expressions based on what they already know about each other. Just the idea that they were able to meet again and share in a stare, a kiss, a night or even a lifetime…something that says “hello again, remember me?” That is what matters most. It’s rare because it should be…it’s beautiful. Yeah…that’s love. That’s “meant to be”…and it’s everything I thought it was as a child and everything I know it is as a man. It’s hot and its cold…it’s new and it’s old. It’s tough and its tender…it's something you always remember. It is THE reason for our existence and THE reason to keep living…to love. Now…time for some more tea..."
Now I come to where I am today and find this man a naive fool after all that I have seen, felt and experienced. Watching unions come and go. Witnessing souls get together to cover holes instead of filling them so they won't face the same pain of loss. An idea that invites the self-fulfilling prophecy of a "goodbye". The fleeting temps, the visitors and all else you could imagine. I've seen much and done enough to come through jaded. So today, I am so happy to say that after reading this...I still have the same foolish heart.
Yes, I am naive but my naivete comes honestly as it is borne from experience and wisdom unfettered by all that I have tasted and seen. All my failures were symptoms from either holding on too tightly or not tightly enough. Something most have problems with given their "cookie cutter" expectations that often go unmet. Folks, true love requires oxygen in the form of "room to breathe" but it also requires an invested soul that loves enough to know when and where it is needed. This is where that line of balance becomes customized and tailor-made. To love her is to know when her needs do not include you but it does not mean that you become calloused to her soul either as some form of defense mechanism. You have to be willing to feel everything that comes with love. The joy and the pain. The gain and the loss. All without bearing down on it with our hang-ups. My problem has always been in finding someone to share in these ideas. They either want too much or not enough to keep someone like me around. I can envision a relationship like this...I just could never materialize it. I tried several souls I thought compatible that gave lip service to this idea only to have them believing that all they had to do was play the role I wanted for a time and have me hooked enough to come to the same old standard. I couldn't play the field as I found it empty and I couldn't do the cookie-cutter relationship as I found it drowning. So where am I today? In the same place I was years ago when I wrote this little piece. I still believe that love will stand on it's own without our help, without our rules and without our guidance. I believed it then and I am more convinced of it now. I will never be afraid to fall deep as a fool but what my experience has afforded me is the ability to never be played. I am one that has learned to love fiercely and still be able to walk away. So when I wrote "It’s rare because it should be..."...who knew I'd be living out that word. So put my silly foolish ass in a museum and let everyone marvel at the man "that isn't afraid to love". Sh*t at least I won't have to pay rent.
So I encourage you all to never allow your experiences to jade your love. Consider it special and understand that although we may fail love...love has never failed us. People do not understand how I can still claim love even after a thing has ended its course or detoured elsewhere. Humans are fickle, humans become toxic, humans can be disloyal and untrusting but the love I know can never participate in such things as it remains constant. It does not mean that I must accept toxicity, disloyalty or disrespect. All it means is that I have given love the rightful place and respect it deserves and that has made me judicious as to whom I choose to share it with. So go ahead and love. Just be sure that when you do, you place it where it will get the respect and honor it deserves. Me? I'm somewhere in the air navigating the winds I've learned to sail. To find someone like me, I guess that someone would have to be doing the same. Much love my people...I'm out
