When Heroes Fall...

"There's a hero if you look inside your heart. You don't have to be afraid of what you are"

For most of my marriage (now long since divorced), I modeled the family man I was after one that drew the envy of everyone that was blessed enough to know him. In that model of a man, I found a sense of duty and honor. I found purpose in the struggle. It was the beginning framework for all I am today and I know others that could have said the same had they stayed the course. You see we found that model near perfect as humans but as it turned out...it was all too frail as well. In one conversation, I nearly saw the kingdom I had built based on this model...torn down.

I was a 22 year old man in charge of a house of four. Grown to lead my family in what little we had. Building more together...never apart. One night after a dinner, the man I modeled myself after had told me he had failed his wife. That he was leaving her for another he'd been seeing on the sneak for over a year. That he had been lying to everyone. I stayed unmoved on the outside but in his moment of confession...I began to bleed honor. I went home and wept like a child whose parents had just died. Days passed and in anger I lashed out at him. I sought to break him even more in my self-righteousness. I questioned everything. All I was and all I had until I came to a place of decision weeks later. I began flirting with the limits honor had placed upon me and I found myself at the same type of door where he had lost his. As I went to grab the doorknob, I spiritually perceived that all went dark and I found myself falling into a pit. It was tar pit dark, empty and soundproof. It looked like a garbage dump where waste wasn't even burned. It was just left there to rot...becoming one with itself & the deep darkness. I tried to scream but had no resonance...as if its volume went as far as one foot ahead. I walked around and found no one and I was only able to travel in a circle. Constantly bringing me right back to where I was. Feeling like the world was collapsing in and around me, I stopped to bow my head in prayer and that's when I heard a voice that sounded just like my own...

"THIS...IS WHERE YOUR FATHER IS" 

Scared, shivering and ashamed, I found myself back in front of that door I was just about to open. Except now, instead of lust informed by curiosity, I looked at it with disgust...and fear. Fear at what I was about to do and disgust in myself for being a part of the horde that hurt my father in judgement of him. Sending him to that place of lonely spiritual desolation. I ran to my father and in tears, asked him to forgive me for judging him so harshly. I told him that I loved him and that no matter what he'd done, he would always be a great man in my eyes. That I would always stand by him no matter what. We had a good talk that day. It was the most honest we've ever been with each other and it only progressed from there. You see, I got to meet him at his worst. Not just him but inside myself as well and after humbled introspection, I realized that not only did he show me what it was like to live as a man of honor. He also showed me what it was like to face disgrace with honor as well. He showed me that there could be honor even in failure and that I need not go the same way he did. I learned then what would eventually drive me to become the better man I am today. That we are all capable of good and evil. That our weakness need not define us but instead, when owned & placed right according to the design found through self-awareness, it can become a powerful addition within the best of ourselves. I understood then that honor is not found in piety but it is found in the truth of all we are. Living an honorable life demands we live transparent...warts and all. It demands a code of truth. That we should never lie to ourselves, to those we love and much less to God. Such a code forces us to live in ways we would never want to be ashamed of. My father eventually did the best he could to correct his error. Not for me or those he hurt because by then everyone was over it. He did it simply because it's what he felt he should do...for himself. I grew as a man, a loving husband and a father. Pretty soon...my new family would become the "model" my father and my step-mother were back then. Yet and still...it's not the end of the story...

My wife and I decided to divorce about 13 years later. There was no argument, contention or infidelity. You see, we dated and married young and came to the conclusion that our marriage had run its course as we were so we decided to evolve into something else. A family that loves each other and stands by each other no matter what except...no longer husband and wife. No longer "together" as a couple...we still remained a family. Not just bound by children but who we are as people. It's why we've been able to "co-parent" and love as a family all these years since then. Some have asked us how we do it as though it's some mystical feat. In truth, we just love and honor who we are enough to never allow for disrespect and this notion...also came from my father's code of honor. He used to tell me "Moise, I can't stand your mother but she is a great woman. You find a good woman? You do what you can for her when you can even if you're not together. Don't ever disrespect her. Finding that is like finding gold today". Yeah...that one's been a double edged sword since then but still good advice. As for dad and I, we became more than father and son after that...we became peers but that man, although he may not think it of himself is and forever will be...my hero.

Folks, our heroes fail and what externally motivates us can falter but make no mistake...the idea that drove the wind of our sails came from inside us. We believed in something that was real and it's our task to fulfill it where our motivators fail. That...belongs to US. If something that motivated you has fallen in your eyes, hold fast to what they gave you and remake it in your own image. Run with it like someone creating a greater reason to press on. That man in the mirror you want to take pride in, that little one you put to sleep every night, the friend that looks up to you and the masses that look to you for guidance may just need a hero in this world that is full of disappointment. Show them how you succeed, show them how you fail but most importantly...show them how you rise again. Take heart, be honorable in truth and if you fell? Get your ass back up again...somebody may need to see that. Much love...

~Moses Apollo

The Wise Traveler From The House Of Ern Dien – A Short Story by Moe (2015)

"A Way Of Life"

Li got up this morning as he usually did.  Just a day like any other filled with the standard routine of every new monk within the order of Ern Dien.  His routine included rolling out of bed to land upon a wooden floor where he would find no greater option than to pray before he began his day.  After prayer, he would put on the ring of his order and complete all his morning duties.  All just preparations for what he considered the most exciting part of his day...the passing of the traveler.

You see, there wasn't much excitement upon this hilltop monastery so when a man of great wisdom comes up from the towns beneath the hilltop, many become intrigued.  No one knew his name but people would come in droves to hear him speak.  He hid under a cloak but he spoke with such depth, sincerity and passion that he drew people in.  Everyone knew there was something more to this man but where in the valley could he have possibly come from?  How could it be that such wisdom could possibly come from such low places?  Places that were beneath them all.  In just a few days, Li would come to know the answer to that question.  As fate would have it, Li drew closer to the traveler as he spoke than he had ever gotten before and he noticed something that shocked him.  As the traveler bent over to pick up his staff just before he was about to leave, Li noticed that the traveler wore a necklace.  At the end of that necklace was the very same ring Li placed upon his finger every morning...the ring of the house of Ern Dien.  Li hurriedly ran to ask a shepherd about his discovery and was dismayed to receive a terse dismissal in the place of an answer.  He knew then his only option was to ask the Master...something he understood was against the rules.

This monastery had three shepherds and one Master.  The Master would share the teachings with the shepherds and the shepherds in turn would share His teachings with the monks.  None other but the shepherds were allowed to see or speak to the Master so Li's task was one of great risk to his place in the order.  Yet of all the things he has heard of the Master, he knew that the Master would never turn him away.  He knew that the Master had established these rules for the sake of order and not as others had assumed...to remain hidden.  Mindless tradition had made it seem so but nothing could be further from the truth.  Most just followed the shepherds without question and the shepherds were fine with such unquestionable devotion.  Most shepherds took that responsibility with care and these were proven by the length of their tenure.  Yet the ones that abused such absolute power would be cast out in short order.  So Li knew that those that sought the Master beyond the shepherds would find Him and in doing so...would come into what all the shepherds just understood as the realm they called "more".  Most feared entering this realm as a place of confusion and chaos so they kept to the shepherds’ basic training as it was deemed "safe".  Li wasn't interested in the "more", he just wanted to know about this traveler and he knew that the Master was the only one who could provide answers. 

That very night, Li began making the climb on his own as the bedtime gong of the monastery rang.  Tired and hungry, he finally came to the Master's steps and just as he was about to knock on the great door, it suddenly swung open and there stood the Master's servants.  They said nothing but greeted him with a smile and led him to a room with a calmness about it.  In this candlelit room was a comfortable bed on which sat a new set of clothes.  He was allowed to eat, bathe and rest for the night...the Master would see him in the morning.

The next morning Li woke up as he normally did and followed through with all the preparations of his order as best he could given his new surroundings. When he was done, he was instructed to sit in the rear garden in front of the Grand Tree.  This was the tallest tree in the center of the garden and before it...a bench just big enough for two.  This was an odd tree in that it carried a frightening beauty.  Its aroma was bittersweet.  If inhaled deeply enough, it would produce an uncomfortable laughter.  Li was instructed to sit before it and wait for the Master.  He sat waiting and wondering as time passed with no sign of Him.  Several times the servants passed and even though he was tempted to ask them about the Master's whereabouts, he sat patiently waiting.  After a few hours of stillness, the Master came and sat beside him.  Li bowed in nervous excitement, "My Lord!!" he exclaimed as the Master gently grabbed his arm to gently guide him back to his seat beside Him.  They both sat in stillness for some time before...

The Master began to speak in assured gentle tones:

"I know why you've come.  You have come to ask about the Traveler.  You have seen that he carries with him the ring of My Order yet he does not wear it on his finger as you do.  You wonder how a man can carry so much wisdom with him and come from places you do not when you are supposed to be from My house...where all truth may be found."  He stood up and walked to the tree.  Putting His hand upon the tree He continued..."I can tell you this: his plight, you could say, begins and ends at the root of this tree.  He was a prodigy of this order and when he was about your age, he made the climb as you have to ask for the "more" only a few dare seek.  Yet the "more" he sought was not for glory or fame.  He sought the "more" so that he could know Me better.  He wanted to please my heart as well as my soul and he understood that in order to do this, he would need wisdom.”  He turned pointing earnestly to Li and said “Wisdom, my child, transcends beyond the intellect of man, piercing his heart to the very atom of his existence...and by extension...My Own.  He came wanting the Wisdom of Solomon.  A wisdom that can break a man's spirit if he is not centered properly.  Solomon was raised with all the greatest teachers when it came to the laws of heaven so he was grounded in the poverty of piety yet on the other side of his life, he came to know the abundance of self as he came to indulge in every pleasure known to man. Somewhere in the middle of both excesses...he found the bitterness of this tree."  And in a faint whisper, He said "...and the greatest power man will ever possess."  "This, my child, is the infamous Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.  She stands in this garden as a testament to all the perils and power of wisdom.”  Turning again towards Li, He said “Solomon was able to identify with and detail the hints of darkness within the light of men as he was also able to identify the hints of light...within the darkness of men.  A task very few men could handle as man is a being created to follow.  He will always choose a side and there is nothing wrong with staying safely in the light but understand that this safety is enabled by limits and limited understanding only requires limited responsibility.  Men that selflessly seek "more" are tasked with greater responsibility as the “more” removes such limits placed upon them.  Some of my greatest servants questioned Me in ways others dared not and they all found themselves many times making decisions I would have never had them make.  Most of them strayed from my path but ALL found their way back.  Yet what was different about them was what they carried back with them...after they had strayed.  They now carried with them a newfound wisdom of the strength found within weakness.  A relatable spirit that was able to reach the heart of all men without the need for judgement.  An understanding of their own humanity and an enlightenment of the true nature of man.  That his strengths and his failings were not dependent on which side of the pendulum he was on.  That virtue and vice could be found on all sides of the spectrum.  This allowed them to see the truth of all things at their core enabling them to determine what kind of word was needed for the wound they needed to heal.  Acknowledging their own weaknesses based on the truth of their awareness to place my essence within them where it was lacking.  This had made them formidable and strong!  Beyond this, they also came to appreciate life at its depth.  That every experience within every second had value because all on this earth has an end.  That the insignificance of man by the virtue of the time he has left on this earth means every life can have meaning...every soul can have purpose.  I despise the fact that some of my monks find that their truth is finite enough that they can look down at the people that live in the valley when the reality is that what truth most of them carry is just enough to lead them safely through this world but not enough to make a real, lasting difference.  It is the difference between watering a tree as opposed to injecting it with the nutrients it needs.  Solomon knew this and so does the traveler you have come to ask me about.  Yes, there is power in this wisdom but it comes at a cost.  Given his nature, he will always be far from perfection but he seeks it nonetheless.  He knows he will never realize his goal of complete wisdom as what his finite mind seeks is infinite but he has found that the journey itself has taken him past the limits most have placed upon themselves already.  It is for this reason he has chosen to live in a world that will not judge him...a world that can not place him enough...to judge him at all.  He carries too much light to live comfortably in the dark and too much dark to live comfortably in the light even though he can exist in both.  He knows nothing will satisfy him because of the futility of most things so he grasps heaven on earth where he can find it.  He finds it in my monastery, he finds it in the art of men, he finds it in the eyes of Eve and he finds it in the growth of his children.  He has silently saved the lives of people from every spectrum in a sentence and most times, he will remain unaware of it...just as he had requested.  He wanted to please My heart and nothing makes Me smile more than this."  He smiled, turned to face the tree again and in a softened thoughtful voice said "The roots of this tree are pure.  As it springs out of the earth, its wholeness divides in two.  True wisdom...my knowledge...is found at the root"  The Master turned to face Li with a smile and began walking.  Li felt an overwhelming sense of peace as his Master just walked away. 

As for Li, he climbed back down to the safety of his monastery and he remained content with the newfound admiration he had acquired for the traveler.  Not much is known of Li after his encounter but one thing remains certain…he was never the same again…

~Moses Apollo Apolinaris

All For Nothing, Nothing For More...

"And at once I knew...I was not magnificent..."

Dark elegant room.  At it's center, a large black marble table with a lit chandelier above it making sure it was the only piece of furniture visible in the room.  One by one, men begin to enter.  Each taking their place at this table.  Some dressed in casual attire.  Others dressed in three piece suits.  All carried briefcases except for one.  With every chair taken...the doors close.  They now wait in silence...

One hour passes.  The men begin to fidget and become anxious.  Some stand, some pace, some engage each other in whispered conversation...only one sits still.

The red light above the door signals the coming of their host.  A hush of silence hits the room as they silently scurry to sit as though they had been sitting still the whole time.  The host enters but stays clear of the light.  As yet unseen, overhead speakers carry the hosts voice as the question is posed to them:

"What makes you worthy to sit at my table?" 

One by one the briefcases are opened and each man places on the table their answer to the question asked:  Car keys, house keys, resumes, degrees, trophies, pictures of physical attributes and certifications of every kind.  All did this...except for one.

The one that sat still kept his keys in his pocket.  His pictures and his licenses all remained in his wallet.  He instead decided to place on the table an empty cup and a lined sheet of paper with nothing written on it.  At it's side, a neatly sharpened number 2 pencil.  The men arrogantly scoffed at his display as he stoically sat in confident silence.

They were all asked to leave...except him...

~Moses Apollo 

PS: Only nothing can become something...only "empty" can be filled. Only "broken" can be made whole...only the fertile can be tilled...

Her Beauty...(R)

"...may I kiss you...may I kiss you there?..."

I wish I understood more.  I wish I knew all things.  Wishes that only come true when one is old and all mistakes have been made.  Where you look back and begin your sentences with "if I'd known then what I know now...".  That place in time where your chair is your friend.  Where wisdom seldom does you any good anymore...it is now for others.

Tonight I rip off my skin and replace it with the panoramic digital imagery I have of beauty.  A beauty that few actually get to see because they never really take the time to look.  Some get to sleep next to it every night.  They even get to hear beauty say "I love you".  They give nothing but get everything.  Never knowing what they really have...never really caring enough so as to just do "what is required".  The careless try to rob beauties sheen by creating insecurity and self-doubt through sheer neglect.  Where she is then left lonely in a home full of people...now needing to be rebuilt.  I don't know what's worse; seeing it and not being able to keep it...or not seeing it at all.

Beauty is broken and left by the side of the road.  Beauty is anguish at determined greatness that only arrives for hours at a time.  Beauty is hurt and maimed while continuing to hold on to hope for her healing.  Beauty is laughing through the pain and in the process...making others laugh too.  Beauty is self-sustaining under pressure of heavy weight and burden.  Beauty is passionate and knows how to devour flame through release.  Wife, mother, lover, girlfriend...friend.  Titles that do beauty no justice.

My heart is thankful she can find something in me worthy of her.  I may not be able to keep her but the anguish of such a thing is tempered by what my heart has been privileged to witness...her beauty.

~Moses Apollo

The All Of Me - A Poem by Moe

"...oh the canvas can do miracles...just you wait and see..."

my moon's replaced my sun

as nightly shifts begun

tis gracious to befriend

this tour that's made to end

last watch begins at twelve

my heart makes room to delve

and drink my starry night

while keeping ship in sight

oh ship she gentle sways

relieved now to appraise

for ship is where I'm free

to be the all of me

~moses

Young Man Heed My Words...(R)

"We've been shot up, beat up by the falling of the arrows.  Yeah I'm full of deep cuts right down to the marrow..."

Young man heed my words on this night...

Pertaining to women I can assure you that there is nothing on this blog that will advise you in doing as I do save for one recurring theme..."sincerity".  I have known a few that have envied my life as a free man only because they truly do not understand that for a man like me such a thing runs the gamut of complexity.  Why?  Simply because I am who I am.  As such I define this life differently than most yet use simplistic terminology to help people understand it's base.  Yet what lies underneath it all is way more difficult to explain.

To be sincere means that when you compliment her you are doing so because you mean the compliment. The compliment is not used to lower her defenses enough to engender trust just so you could sleep with her.  You have to mean it or ain't worth shit to me.

To be sincere is to understand and greatly appreciate the uniqueness of every soul.  To listen to the beauty of her song and appreciate just how much of her is in the song she just sang.  Look for her in the song.  If you can't or don't want to it ain't worth shit to me.

To be sincere means that you are surrendered to her moment because you truly believe in her and her cause.  You've come to listen because you are truly interested to the point of being able to articulate it yourself.  If you're not surrendered in her moment then it don't mean shit to me.

To be sincere also means that you must spend time getting to know her heart and mind before you even think about getting to know her body because without understanding the heart and the mind, you can never truly tailor your love specifically for her.  All you will be able to perform for satisfaction is a mechanical "paint by numbers" I've often spoken about and there will be nothing behind your endeavour.  You have to learn her or it ain't worth shit to me.

Now what does all this mean?  It means that if you are a man of conscience you have no choice but to be sincere.  It means you can't fake it even if you tried.  As such you will come to find that a hole between some legs isn't enough for you.  Picturesque model types will need to meet a standard.  Tits and ass even the angels crave will have you yawning if these others elements are not met.  You will require more for meaning and as such, most of the time...you will remain alone.  You will wait for those that can move your soul.  At times you will be let down by those pretending to want the same freedom.  Showing you how wonderful they are yet driven by agenda.  Thinking that because you are just like any other man, you will want that for life.  You will meet gamers that wish to challenge you every step of the way, thinking that you just want a challenge only to find yourself moving on yet again because you just are not interested in playtime over control.  Tit for tat becomes just "tit" as you yawn yet again until all interest is gone

Young man, many think this life free of pain but as a man of conscience and code, it is replete in "uneasy" frustration and slight disappointment.   Those that think otherwise have the idea that callousness is the only way to live this life and they would be correct in part.  Yet because I am not callous and choose to feel, it becomes way more difficult.  Yet no one will know just how hard it is because they will take a look at the women you've loved and pat you on the back because of a posted picture yet never understand or care that you took the time to know their hearts in intimacy.  I was honorable in marriage and I chose to remain honorable...even in this life.  I am a lover...not a dog. Even if I can be one if asked...

So peruse this blog from the very beginning and mimic everything I said and did but if you think it only to be about "motions"...you will fail with every encounter.  You will become nothing more than a male slut that has to travel to get the same shit you can get in the bathroom all by yourself.  Be wise and stay wise...

Now for those of you saying "There he goes again, talkin about how great he is with women"...you can eat shit.  Almost every event that has taught me something profound has had a female lead in one of the starring roles.  It is my life and to speak about my universe without including that aspect would remain an incomplete story and I will never shortchange a message simply because you want me to show the semblance of false humility.  Numbers add nothing to character but oftentimes it has people A) Questioning your veracity and B) Thinking you are full of yourself when the exact opposite is true.

So young man there is no book I can write describing what makes this so called "free life" work.  For that I would need to describe rules and points that I know are completely futile.  There are no absolute rules in this life because they always crumble under the heaviness of their own weight.  Nine times out of ten, you will come to find that it is a rule manufactured for the sole purpose of convenience for the one that wrote it in the first place.  If you on the other hand follow that same rule, the person that initiated it will hate you for it.  Not because they are evil people but simply because they are human.  So always make sure that any demand you place on another is something you are more than able to follow yourself.  When it's good, it's great but when it's bad...it's awful.

You want practice in character?  This is it homie.  I say keep it real in all you do but it's much harder when everything inside is tellin you to use everything (even fraud) to get what every inch of your flesh is crawlin for.  It's just like pickin up a 50lb dumbbell when you've been used to pickin up 20's.  It's how we get stronger.  Remember...sincerity is the only rule you should have.  Any more or less...and it don't mean shit to me...      

~Moses Apollo

Inner Lace - A Poem by Moe

"..._________..."

his comely friend called mystery

leaves secrets yet untold

as all that's writ in history

dries up as waves of gold

what treasure laid be his to tease

while slow they drip out true 

his hidden guest tastes love's appease

in veins, though out of view

from inner space she tastes the bliss

till gold has set in place

tis then all breathless supple kiss

lay pressed on inner lace

~Moses Apollo

Living In "The Age Of Woman"...

"She is the sun...I am the moon. The earth cannot exist...one without the other. Call me back into your embrace. Allow me to see your loving face...again"

In these days of confusion among the sexes, I find myself among the growing few that still gladly hold to the beautiful differences found between men and women. Where aptitude for logic is met with unrivaled emotional content creating a perfect union. Each requiring individual growth coming close enough to perfection to deem them "whole". Of course each can come close to mastering the others innate power but a man will not know emotion as well as a woman...logic will oftentimes get in the way. Nor will a woman know logic as well as a man...as emotion will oftentimes get in the way as well. As a man of logic raised by an even greater man of logic, I was wise enough to know that I knew nothing. So I took the time to learn from four of the strongest women I'll ever meet without surrendering any part of my manhood. I just added a strength I was naturally deficient in instead...

My Dominican powerhouse (my mother), my Ecuadorian stability (my step-mother) and my Puerto Rican mentor (my spiritual mother). In these three I saw women formed and strong with an aptitude for logic housed in emotional content. As a young man, I couldn't see it but as I got older, I found their strength impressive. Watching others falter under the same strain these women seemed to easily endure was enough to impress anyone. When I married my beautiful wife (now ex) at 18...I finally got to see how they became so strong in the first place. Throughout our 17 years of marriage, I was blessed to both witness and share in her growth as a woman. After our divorce, our relationship evolved into a dutiful honorbound friendship built on love from which I've been doubly blessed to witness even greater growth. From them I learned how emotional content can be housed in logic and I will forever be grateful to God for that blessing. These became the standard that I have come to instinctively look for in others. A standard I have seen glimpses of becoming more common. Yet sadly, not by choice...but out of necessity instead.

Today, I see men neutered and detached from their logistical aptitude believing it prudent to lay aside all forms of manhood under the guise of "understanding". A false definition of understanding that looks to "replace" what comes naturally as opposed to "adding" to it instead. A dangerous error that has caused men to retract from all that made them strong. Today, the sense that used to be common has become relative and if we are to be honest about what we are living through...it is based on now seeing everything through an emotional prism. Folks...emotion without logic creates a dangerous imbalance. An imbalance that has frighteningly even made its way into the scientific community. Yet in all this mess, I see glimmers of hope. A new breed of women rising up comparable to the ones I've come to learn from. Women that have decried this imbalance have become the front line in what I consider a one sided war for gender supremacy. They've seen the folly in this idiocy and have decided to fight for true equality instead...the return of that beautiful balance. It's fascinating to watch and thankfully...men are now taking notice...

I watch them in life and on social media taking on the mantle of strength as they must. Providing an example to men that should be doing the same. Creating in men a sense of urgency. Waking up a strength in them they were taught was toxic. Beautiful women inspiring men to fight. A grace that I have seen in the best relationships. Where a good woman will stand by her man...a great woman pushes them to become more. I see it in the single mother struggling against an inefficient deadbeat, in reporters that have decided that truth takes preeminence over bias, in celebrities that stand apart from the herd, in the unrepentant activist that shows no fear and in the everyday workhorse that stands in the place where men used to stand. They go on about doing as they must and for most, their struggles keep them from knowing just how truly inspiring they are to the men that have retained the truth of what they are. Due to this mess, the mention of differences has been shamed into silence by the zeitgeist producing a lack of appreciation for what women have taken on. I watch them in awe and am truly thankful to do whatever I can in this age they are purposed to inhabit.

As for men...they must become the men they were born to be. Not the caricatured savage they have accepted as truth but the true men of honor and strength their design demands. Towards that end, we who have stood must do what we can by all measure of example...and so we will. God bless the age of woman and the age of humanity that is to come. After that? Well now that's a different story altogether lol Much love...I'm out...

~Moses Apollo

Green - A Poem by Moe

"...I am ready, I am ready, I am ready...I am fine..."

the heavenlies did choose them young

and granted gifts of holy kind

since earthen songs were never sung

they sought out caves of flesh confined 

and what emerged was something new  

odd creatures wearing disparate skin

with hearts that beat for holy view 

encased in flesh carved out for sin

though man be colored certain ways

most black and white with none between

these creatures hue was timed for days

when souls will seek uneasy green

~Moses

The Devaluation Of Life...

"...come on get down with the sickness..."

On this Valentine's Day, February 14th, 2018; a young man walked into a school in Broward County FL and began a shooting spree that as of this writing has claimed two lives (updated to 17 lives) and injured about 30 others. As in every mass shooting situation, the blame is now slowly but surely being placed at the feet of an inanimate object that is useless without it's human user. Why? Because it is always more profitable to treat a symptom than it is to find a cure. Especially when those espousing treatment of the symptom are complicit in the propagation of the disease.

I hear "guns", "video games", "rap music" and am as of yet waiting for someone to blame "climate change"...as ridiculous as that may sound. Folks, I don't care what side you're on. I'm just tired. Believe what you want because in the end...the truth of what I'm about to say will stand regardless. I'm sick of hearing the same thing over and over again. Tired of folk wanting to try remedies that are proven ineffective simply because they cannot come to say "What have WE done?"..."Where did WE go wrong?". I'm thinkin it's about time we tell the truth about this...

I remember the day when the main protagonist in a movie was heartbroken over the idea he had to take a life. Now, these same heros kill without remorse. Warriors lived by a code that viewed life precious and that the defense of life itself was the only thing worth killing and/or dying for. Today, hurt feelings seem to be enough. We live in an age where humans are taught that hurt feelings must not only be validated but revenged by external action. Such ideologies have forced us into the stifling of speech for some and allowing the destruction of private property for others. Where violence is justified and even encouraged if some don't get there way. Where even aberrant behavior is normalized to spare some from critique that may even spare them from a painful road. All the while creating a generation believing that the "I" takes precedence over the "you". It's amusing to look back on these traits and see something striking as I recognize them all too well. Do you know where you can find this mindset? In babies and toddlers...

As a father of two men in their early twenties, I've been privileged to watch them grow and have been blessed in studying their beautiful process. Early on, I came to learn that the most important teaching I could ever instill towards their manhood was that "life is not fair"...nor will it ever be. That life, at times is a battle. That although we may be entitled to anger, rage and hate due to its unfairness, we are never entitled to act out in ways that break laws, hurt others or that does unjustified damage. That as we grow, we learn that negative feelings do more damage to our health than unfairness ever could and that before mastering our surroundings, we must first learn to master and/or understand our emotions. Especially the negative ones. Teachings that seed maturity. A maturity that comes with all manner of self-control, humility, introspection, responsibility and most of all...perspective that allows for the appreciation of life itself. Without these things a human will always remain incomplete and life will become a cycle of unnecessary battles. In this age, I have seen politicians and talking heads looking at humans as though they were battering rams for their respective agendas. They no longer see souls. All they see are tools and since their opulent lives are the only ones that matter...your value is relegated to one of utility. No more, no less. Your growth means nothing them and they teach you to think the same way about others. As such, it is in their best interest to rationalize this stunted state, give it a degree...and call it growth. Friend, if your 18 and you don't know that although you have the human capacity to act on a negative emotion but that it is more prudent that you don't? You haven't learned a thing and are more likely than not, being used by people that expect you to brave a cell their connections keep them out of. A "safe space" is not your friend...it ain't nothin but a crutch that you will always need until you learn how to work through your emotions.

What we see today is the by-product of a disease. A well balanced individual should be able to carry a gun, play video games and bop their head to rap music just fine. These are not the problem. Banning these things is akin to putting bumpers by the stairs and covering up electric sockets for the wandering child. Wise tactics used in the safety of our children...until they start learning the real dangers of each through consequential thinking to live out a balanced life. As babies, there came a time when my sons found out that all they had to do was cry to get picked up. It wasn't for food nor was it a wet diaper and we caught on quick. So we decided that when they cried, we had to wait in the other room in agony until they stopped. That action alone began their road to maturity. They learned then that crying would no longer be the way they would resolve an issue. At some point we must stop coddling humans. We must allow them to accept the word "NO" so they can learn to work through rejection as opposed to throwin a fit or in the case of some...beatin on a defenseless garbage can. If we don't...God save us.

Folks...life is valuable enough for the truth that hurts to heal. It's valuable enough for all disappointment meant to foster resolve. It's valuable enough for every fall that forces one to stand and yes, it's valuable enough for the pain of loss that teaches us how to measure true value. Stop talking symptoms...start talkin disease. I'm out...

~Moses

True Lovers Way - A Poem by Moe

"...because you're mine..."

oh fixed and focused is his aim

a hunger lust he dare not tame

true love's released his sainted beast

that's ready for his sainted feast

for skin that carries lovers scent

is all it takes to have him bent

your sweetened airs have set alight

this flame that bends the knee tonight

so let his worth-ship sing to thee

till tended dam cracks waters free

and if your moon succumbs to day

keep heart to hold true lovers way

~apollo

True Love - Endangered But Not Extinct...(R)

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love...and be loved in return..."

Jack was as a young poet.  A boy with a pure heart that wandered the country side in search of his one true love.  He came across a beautiful young maiden that drew his attention by her ocean blue eyes and golden hair.  She had a soft demeanor replete with all manner of tenderness to her.  Needless to say, he fell in love quickly with this beautiful angel.  He did everything for her.  Going out of his way in every sense to accommodate her needs and he was more than happy to do so.  At times when he couldn't fulfill a request, she would cry and this would move him to do even more than he had because he could not stand to see her in pain.  After some time, he began to hear whispers about her and others that he would simply brush off.  He even began to hear about her ability to manipulate by easily turning on tears but he would not believe it.  His love for her for was unbending, it had blinded him to any suspicion.  One day, he was in an adjacent room when he overheard her arguing with her father.  As was her way, she began to cry and as he was about to enter the room to comfort her, her father left and the tears all of a sudden stopped.  She didn't know that Jack had seen it and as for Jack...he was crushed to his very soul.  He began to search out the whispers and found them all true. With every new truth uncovered, this uncompromising love began to die within him.  Not just for her...but for love itself.  By the time he came to say goodbye, Jack had become cynical to all the loves that came after.  This young man filled with passion for hope had now become a man that hoped to find passion again but was only met by those with the same cynicism he was doing his best to rid himself of...

Jill was a beautiful young maiden.  Filled with a well of love, hope, dreams and aspirations. Beautiful in every way.  With a smile that could melt the hardest heart.  One day as she was working at the marketplace, a handsome young man approached her and she became enamored by his charm and wit.  He would visit her daily and soon she would fall in love with him.  She knew little about him, but she believed in the purity of love.  She believed that he loved her and that was all that was needed.  He promised her the world and soon, they would move into his home up in the hills.  He told her they would soon be married after he had gotten all his affairs in order and the first few months, she could only describe as "heaven".  As time went on, still unmarried, his demeanor went from charming to forceful.  He would at times purposefully make her feel ugly when other men would look at her and as for her dreams of going on to university, he would cry to her saying that she didn't love him if she went away.  All so he could keep her in his home.  He would even give her more duties to perform so she had very little time for socializing and after awhile, the only soul she would ever see was him.  She lost all interest in taking care of herself and all dreams she had were soon lost in him as well.  She didn't mind it of course.  After all...she loved him.  One day, she decided to finish her duties early and go off to the marketplace to see some friends and what she found crushed her to her very soul.  She saw him in an embrace with another young maiden she had been friends with in times past and she ran home crying.  When he had arrived, she confronted him about what she saw and he became enraged beating her into submission.  With every blow he threw, her love felt every hit. Dying...with every strike to her frail form.  Not just for him...but for love itself.  She left the next day and every new love that came after...was met with suspicion.  This young woman filled with passion for hope had now become a woman that hoped to find passion again but was only met by those with the same suspicion she was doing her best to rid herself of...

and thus began the extinction of "true love"

Oh my beautiful friends...at one time or another, in one form or another, every one of us has been a "Jack" or a "Jill".  Wounded animals are we that dared to love as it was meant to be in a callous world.  We carry those wounds into other relationships.  Our instinctive defense mechanisms kick in, inadvertently wounding others so that the cycle continues until love exists as it does today.  A cheap imitation of itself.  Just another Checkers match for supremacy so that we will never be wounded again.  Causing "love" to become nothing but a curse word.  An emotion that needs changing or tweaking.  Redefined as less than itself simply so that we can keep having companionship without risking a thing.  How do we end this?  How do we give "true love" it's worthy breath again?  I can only offer my opinion from my experience and I will tell you that the first thing that needs to happen is a little something called "healing".  Allow your wounds to heal before you enter into anything else.  Let those wounds become worthy scars.  Find your lesson in each scar and learn where you went wrong.  Study your choices.  Study yourself until every scar carries a lesson.  Forgive those that did you wrong without making excuses for them because making excuses for them will only carry you back to the same garbage you just left.  Back to them or the same garbage found in others.  In time, your scars will reveal to you that love had nothing to do with their lack of character and that at least now, you have a roadmap to what you will accept and what you will not.  All without pain, fear or bitterness, each new soul will be judged on it's own merit based on all the understanding your scars have afforded you.  Soon, true love will not be a thing to be feared...but something you will pine for in the realms of possibility.  Heal up, choose right, love strong and in the end...you will break your cycle.

As for me?  I proudly carry many scars with me.  Some wounds I can say have not fully healed but they are healing even at this writing.  With every brutal look I take through inspection and introspection.  With every consequential thought I entertain I make myself better.  I forgive all that have done me wrong but because I have learned from their wrong, I also know I can only go so far with them and they know this because the boundaries are made plain by me.  As for love?  I only know it as true love.  I don't fear it or any pain that may come while I'm in the throws of it.  Every second I have with it affords me an unparalleled freedom to exist for lasting purpose.  It is pure and wonderful and beautifully fleeting at times but it is just as powerful today as it ever was.  It abides in the pure at heart and in those that have been able to carry scars without the bitterness of pain.  It even abides in those that fear it because at least they give it due diligence enough to respect it's power.  So, even as endangered as it is, I will always welcome it.  As a poet and a lover of passion...I have no choice ;-)  

~Moses Apollo

Can You Imagine...

"...imagine me..."

A time and place when love is all. Where we all agreed to respect our differences without imposition. A season when politics took a backseat to the truth and peace was seeded in logical determinative symbiosis. Where change was neither shamed or coerced and debate came to a conclusion that was meant to be actionable. Where folk took the time to see the heart before taking political positions into account towards the determination of their characters. Imagine a place like that...now take the next step into your imagination. What would it take? Yeah that's where it gets tricky. Sadly, so long as there are people on this earth that desire power above all...there will always be people forced to follow. So long as tribalistic attitudes exist...there will always be factions. So long as those in power stoke the fires of anger between the faction for even more power...there will always be unrest. What then can be done?

Folks, the collective mindset will never work without stifling freedom so it behooves us to find this utopia on an individual basis. Perspectives must change and vantage points have to expand past tribalistic myopia. Character must take back its place in how we see another beyond the meaningless externals bias has us prioritizing. As to the voices that choose to divide us into labels, we cannot nor should we silence them but we can decide to tune them out. Above all, we must learn to tune out the bias and preconceived notions in ourselves...determining instead to find the better in every soul we meet. Sounds easier than it is...but it's worth every ounce of effort we could muster towards a better world.

Consider any relationship you've had. Your man keeps leaving the toilet seat up and you've decided that such action means he has a character flaw. You tell your friends and they reinforce the conclusion enraging you even more. You find a study online that confirms your conclusion and the next time you see him...you're ready to give him hell and bounce. Stop...think. What just happened? All the good you know, all the love you have...is it gone? No...it's now buried. Buried in an anger meant to feed a bitterness that ends in destruction. You entertained a thought process that could have easily been handled through brutal introspection. Asking yourself: How important is this adherence to your rules? Is it worth your relationship? Is it worth you throwing away a human being over? Does it bother you that much to check the seat before you sit? I know this sounds trivial but the truth is...most things are. If it aint happening to you personally, it may be serious but when you really analyze the issue, rarely does it ever rise to the level of hating another. Nor can consequence be laid at the feet of someone that didn't personally wrong you by some indirect extension. Take stock people. Carrying that much hate doesn't hurt anyone but the one carrying it. Let.it.go...

My friends run the gamut of politics but I know their hearts and I despise those that have made it their job to cause them to question my character simply because I disagree on an issue. Now you may think I blame the media or an external source but no. They contribute to the problem but the brutal truth is...the choice is always ours. We allow them to affect us. We give them the power to reach us. I can tell you to jump off a bridge but it's up to you to decide if you're going to jump or not. Folk blame the devil way too much when it's really them. You decide what carries weight and what doesn't. You decide what stirs your heart and you decide what you will ultimately do with that stirring.

My sister was going through the toilet seat issue with her man. Instead of kicking his ass (yes, it was an option for her) or calling him all sorts of names, she decided to take a different tact. She decided it wasn't worth all that drama, waited till he fell asleep, got up and removed the toilet seat. She was awakened by an "AYE!!!". Turns out he went to take a dump in the middle of the night and his narrow behind fell in. He sure enough started thinkin about that experience every time he hit that bathroom and she kept right on loving him after having a good laugh. There's always a better way...find it.

Folks, I'm a dreamer and a fool when it counts. I know this post won't change the world as we see it universally but if it helps to change one persons smaller world then it's worth writing about. Try to imagine if that one changed world...decided to help change another? Small things remain small if you decide to keep them small. Turn it around. Keep the small grievances and irritants small. Let's start exaggerating the things that bring us joy in others instead. Who knows...maybe we can change the world after all. It all begins with you...me too ;-) Much love...

~Moses

A New Year...Another Day...

"...A new day, a new age, a new face, a new lay,

a new love, a new drug, a new me, a new you. He lives...to run..."

_________________________________________________________

The world is hectic, unbalanced, destructive and full of fear. In all this...I still advance undeterred. I'm still tryin to figure out how this is a problem.

I speak of my weakness...I am called humble. I speak of my strength...I am deemed vain. I'm still tryin to figure out how this is a problem.

 

I write of my passion for God and I am labeled too pious. I write of my passion for skin and I am labeled full of sin. I'm still tryin to figure out how this is a problem.

As another year on earth has past, dear friends pass into the eternal. Loves move on to places I've already been. Tidal waves and harsh winds crash to break all in their path. Ebbs and flows paralyze from uncertainty and yet...I am still. If you ask me...I'm not the one with the problem ;-)

Oh my people, this is neither rant nor complaint. Instead, it is me taking stock of all that I am in my new year. Many look back and measure life by all they externally possess. They find not having all they desire a problem and though I have enough...I choose to look inside instead. I need for nothing, I ask for little, I share too much and no matter how dark the day...I still "believe". That...will never change. In this my new year, I am blessed and ready for more. As such I will ever bless my Lord for Him, His truth, His love...and for you ;-)

~Moses Apollo Apolinaris 

Breath Of Love - A Poem by Moe

"The space between, where you're smiling high is where you'll find me if I get tickled"

oh lest my silence show no care

just look inside and find me there

for breath found place within your heart

to ever bless that worthy part

my fingers grazed your quivered skin

to mine the waters deep within

and lips did taste the sweet they found

twas graced to love the queen I crowned

yet lovers touch is stayed at best

till come the day they're laid to rest

but breath of love will never roam

from secret spaces they made home

~Moses  

Stay Real...

"I get a little bit bigger but then I'll admit, I'm just the same as I was. Now don't you understand, that I'm never changing who I am"

On this day, I received part of a two-fold blessing I've been waiting for and I'm ok letting go of the constant strain in thought this miracle now relieves. I know there are more blessings coming my way and a couple of others that are meant to shine brighter than me before I can fully walk in the plans that keep my mind looking towards the future. I used to wrestle with that and within parts of my humanity...I still do. Yet it's that truth that allows me to place my priorities correctly with the ease of a man that can walk blameless before God and man. Staying true to who I am keeps me staying true to those I love and in this...I find my peace.

Folks, I've seen too many husbands and fathers reach the world in ways they've never even tried to reach their wives or children. They officiate their ability to save the world while their personal world stands in turmoil from neglect. I've heard prison prophets speak about Nietzsche and Muhammad to fresh minds coming off the bus to fresh cells. Telling them it's time to change and stay out of prison while they openly plan on doin dirt as soon as they get out. You see it feels good to be able to influence souls but what good are you building yourself up in speech if you already know you're gonna fall short in deed? Too many love being seen as "the answer" without letting anyone know they are just as human ahead of time. Without letting the listener know that the only thing that makes them wise is the fact that they've been able to surpass the state of the person they're speaking to at the moment. I'm not special because of me...but in spite of me. There's a responsibility that comes with inspiration and influence that very few understand. The thing with me is...I do.

You won't ever hear me preach about outward piety without telling you that the most important piety you could ever possess is that of the soul. Something folks will seldom see unless they are willing to look that deep. I will never preach about the greatness found in wisdom without lamenting the truth that wisdom could be a burden at times. Having so many answers can become a burden when there's something you can't figure out and there's no one around to help because they believe you have it all figured out. I will never preach about abstinence without telling you that to me, connections and love at times go deeper into the heart of God than pieces of paper can ever reach and that these serve as a prerequisite for keeping it meaningful. Nor will I ever preach about church without telling you that though it may serve as a primer, that in itself won't get you closer to God if your heart is closed off to His voice. While I may present the bar of my humanity the same or higher than average as knowledge permits, the bar of my soul will always be shown to have no ceiling...because that's real my people.

Some people call themselves real because they're quick to throw out an insult but that don't mean a damn thing. Real is being willing to insult your truest intent for the sake of course correction without applause. Real fits everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Real has many acquaintances and a handful of true friends. Real is conflicted before its assured. Real is changing your heart before you could change your mind. Real is quiet before it's loud but most of all, real is ugly...before its beautiful. In short...real is growth.

My conscience was once loud enough to rob me of choice and through the years, has become soft enough to follow as easy as the voice of a wise lover lookin out for her man. Even though I may hate it at times...it serves me well. I'm staying true to my inner world so that I can stay true to the world that is nearest to my heart. In time, if God wills, I'll fully branch out further without ever having to bear the heavy weight of the hypocrite that needs to hide behind a wall of fraud. Stay true to who you are and those closest to your heart. Do right by you and them first. Along the way, do what you can for others always keeping your truest priorities at heart. Stay real my people...I'm out.

~Moses

An Acquaintance With Malice - A Short Story by Moe

"...si me vez andando por tu misma via, si me vez llorando mi melancolia...
dejame en mis enredos..."

Waterman's mother always said: "Tell me who your friends are, and I'll tell you what you're about"

As wise as his mother was, Waterman never made any judgements by those anyone was acquainted with. He understood from experience that you could hate the way someone lived but still have the ability to see beyond that to come to love that persons' heart...not every heart beats exactly the same. Others will always judge by what they see so his mother's phrase made sense...but it wasn't always true. So Watermans friends ran the gamut of characters and they all knew what he would accept in his own life and what he wouldn't. It was respect that allowed him to be the man he was around them.

As eclectic as his friends were, one could say the same about the women he loved. Some lasted, others didn't but all drew his heart in depth. He did however take note of an odd occurrence in a few cases. He noticed that several women had a common set of acquaintances that for one reason or another, took issue with Waterman's understanding of true freedom. What was even stranger was that these individual women had no idea their acquaintances were connected to the others. In two cases, this group forcefully tried to entice Waterman to be bound to each woman as he came to know them but Waterman would have none of it. It turns out that this nameless group had countless successes in this regard in the past but Waterman already knew what they were about. Unlike many, Waterman would not be ruled. Only One ruled Waterman and that was by consent. He never believed that love or commitment should be forced upon another nor should it be enticed by outside forces. If commitment was to be real...it must be organically grown. This group did not like Waterman. Much less...his power to resist them.

One quiet night, Waterman ran into a lovely soul. A beauty that was meant to spark new life into his passion but he would soon come to learn that she was more familiar with this group than the others had ever been. They knew that they could not entice him and in this case...they didn't want to. They feared that in time, his love would draw her away from them so they devised a plan. A plan...to draw her away from him.

Waterman, being a man of strength, had many routines worked into his training and one involved the digging of ditches. The movement of digging ditches trained specific muscles to last beyond exhaustion like no other movement or known training could. He hated doing it because he had no love for dirt but he found it the best way to train these muscles. For several nights, they took her to the place Waterman trained. He would choose ground away from all eyes lest anyone get the wrong idea and they knew why he was digging but you see...they never told her. They only allowed her to see what they wanted so she would begin to doubt him. As planned, questions began to flood her mind. How could this lovely man be involved in digging ditches? What or who was he burying? How could she even ask him?

After a few days, he could feel her distance. He knew she had a concern but was afraid to ask him. She knew that if she asked him, she would have to admit on spying on a private moment that was never meant for her eyes. She knew that such a thing was out of bounds. As she began to ask him questions about training specific muscles, he immediately caught on to what they had done but he never told her that he was fully aware of what she had seen. If she wasn't going to ask straightaway, he was not going to say a thing. All she had to do was trust him with the whole truth and he would have explained it all...but fear dissuaded her. He knew that what they had done was wrong and if she was going to allow them to put doubt in her mind, there was nothing left to do. After the questions, he could tell lingering doubts remained and in time...things changed. He knew things changed for many reasons but this groups' scheme was the advent of that change.

Waterman has since kept her in his heart as his love for her has never changed but he understood that their relationship would never advance without the interference of that group. A group that to this day still sees him as an enemy...and they always will. He doesn't care because he knows they can do nothing to him but they still fear what he can do to them. They know his love for her will never wane or falter nor will his care of her and there is not a damn thing they can do about it. He understands all too well that they will soon be revealed for what they really are and when that time comes...justice will be met. As for Waterman, he will always know one thing: It matters not how others feel about him or view him...he will react in accordance to action. So long as he never changes...his heart remains untouched and as such...at peace.

~The End?

~moses  

Adamic - A Poem by Moe

"...I...I believe in love..."

adamic showed his face one night

his fear did shake my soul

for great was he as men did write

to rule the skin he stole

so quick I braved my barren floor

I wrestled for my light

and what I found was nothing more 

than shadows in the night

since then I've grown to learn his name

was never his to own

through guilt he drew surrendered claim

to quell my passion's groan

today I stand with more in me

outside the lies of men

the fear now his to clearly see

adamic's mine again

`Moses Apollo