I was talking to my brother today about a friend of mine that has known this particular woman for years. She has professed her undying love to him with all the trimmings. She has kept in constant communication with him and nothing in her communications has changed which should lead him to believe that her love has indeed outlasted all distance and time. He should be elated at the prospect of such an amazingly beautiful woman wanting him and just waiting for the day that they can touch each other with more than just articulation. Except for one tiny thing...she's been playing a game with him and he has allowed it. Yes, I did advise him. So what game would he possibly allow?
She knows all he is as he has held nothing back so she knows what is at stake if he were to render a goodbye. So instead of telling him the seriousness of her new relationship...she has decided to downplay the gritty details. Skirting over the part that she is in love with this new man. Downplaying the detail that she's moved in with him since more than a year ago. Not letting him know that all she speaks to him in affectionate tones. The same tones shared with my friend down to the terms used. You see, he knew it when it happened and he took my advice to say nothing. He wanted to see how far she would go and low and behold...she went damn far. You see I was in a position to advise him because I know this game very well. This same thing has happened to me with women I have known for years as well and it's always the same. Some play it so they can appease their ego and others inadvertently play it because they are genuinely confused over the idea that they can love more than one person. They become paralyzed in the decision making process because they know they will lose something if one is made. In either case, I personally let it go because there is no harm done to me as I am fully aware of my position and I will not be the one to burst a bubble that is needed at times for them to come to an important life conclusion all their own. The game plays like this: I'm held in back-up mode if things should not work out with this one or that one. Of course because I'm the back-up kind of man right? Wrong...
Now ask me if I care. I only care that she is not being honest with me but I do not fault her for her decision. To look for a soulmate is not an easy thing in this day and age of superficiality. It has become akin to weeding out job prospects because you really never know what you're getting until it's too late. In my friends position, I would have stuck around even if she would have told me the truth but for some reason I guess it's easier to keep someone "on the hook" then it is to be upfront and use the truth. After all these years she still doesn't get that he does not belong on anyone's list. He is not a piece of a whole man. He considers himself the whole. If she doesn't get it, ain't nothin he could do about it. I can say that he stands apart from most, if not all her suitors and to say that my friends' particular woman could have any man she wants is an understatement if I ever made one. I would be blessed that she found someone to care for her but with all that they have shared in honesty, wouldn't that be something he should know without having to stumble onto it?
I have always said "love the way you expect to be loved" and that includes staying open and honest. I will never demand it or force it. I will patiently wait for it to come and given time and measure, I will decide when enough is enough. Even with all this, I still advised him not to blow the lid on all he know because frankly I personally get a kick out of folks that think they are playing me and most importantly...he knows her soul. He knows that the reason for her omission is not born of malice but of fear that he will vanish from her life and in the strangest of ways, I view that as a compliment. What she is unaware of is that he has accepted that they will be nothing more than what they are as he will never cross that line unto dishonor and from what he knows of her...neither will she.
As for me? I know who and what I am. As such, not much troubles me for long. I just don't like hints or having to follow crumbs when I've proven that none of that is necessary. I will understand the truth. It's the run-arounds that perplex me. Now you might be saying "won't this post blow your friends spot?" Nope. You know why? Aside from the fact that I got his permission, to confront him on this post is to confront him with the truth and that is untenable for her at this time. Besides, she don't read these anyway. So why post? First, as a cathartic release for me and secondly: I need you all to be aware that a seemingly hurtful truth carries with it a level of respect that serves a saving grace for the future whereas a drawn-out lie can bring an end to a thing that may still yet have legs for a future. Just be honest folks...it's ok. They might be mad but in the long run they will come to respect that you were upfront with them. I'm just so blessed that most of my encounters lately have been with real people that keep things upfront. They are pretty to me ;-) I'm out loves...till next time.
"Tell me what you want to hear. Something that will light those ears. Sick of all the insincere. I'm gonna give all my secrets away…"
Secret Origins...for you...
As a young man, I was brimming with an assured confidence that slowly turned into a cockiness based off complete superficiality. I was a teenage fool as most honest folk can say of themselves. When the time came to fall in love, assured confidence was shot to hell by a betrayal. Looking back, I guess it was a needed reveal. What you might ask was the reveal? That no one is impervious to infidelity as it springs from a weakness inherent in humanity. Subsequently I became a suspicious jealous idiot hell bent on controlling my surroundings and the surroundings of the one I loved. Misery became my constant state as I spent all my time in that endeavour making my love just as miserable. Stealing the time that should have been spent loving right. Just so I would never be fooled again. Until the mirror showed me something...
Looking into the mirror of my soul, I saw a child. A child out of control trying to control a world he really had no business controlling. Especially since he had no control of himself. The misery I was living with was a self inflicted festering wound lacking understanding and grace. I cried out to God to end this in me as the most damage was being done was to myself. A realization that turned everything around. One night, sitting on my bike outside her window I made the decision. I would change my mind to start thinking outward. In time, I began to live the understanding that if my love were to fail me, it should not be because of anything that I did but it would only happen because of her lack of character and loyalty towards me. Instead of pushing her away, I showered her with love, understanding and trust. So much so that if she were to be unfaithful, she would be the fool for doing so and I would have no regrets because I knew I did my part. I let go of my need to control everything and concentrated on my self control and growth. Thus beginning the process that brings you the man you see today. I became a better man and gained the knowledge of a fools love. The fool that does all he can for the one he loves and that means giving her the freedom to venture out into the arena of life where she can fail me...trusting that she would come home to me. Not because I demanded it but because I was now worthy of it. I loved her the way I expected to be loved and she did not disappoint.
This became my way of living up to the time of this writing and I sit now as a self-assured confident man unconcerned with who stays and who leaves because as a self-assured man I can say with confidence...it's their loss. Jealousy is something someone hell bent on control feels when threatened by someone they feel might better them enough to change their perfect world. When you know that your world is based on what is in you, you don't threaten or feel threatened in the slightest. Games no longer work on you and you brush shit off easily. If someone you love fails you, you get angry, forgive them and you retain an unfailing love for them but you move forward uncommitted because they have now set the new rules for what is allowed. You basically move on with them loosely held which will oftentimes transition into moving on without them. All without breaking a sweat. Your understanding will allow you to factor in humanity as something that can wreak havoc on your perfect world. Knowing then that all you truly have the power to control...is yourself. Consequently you will begin to understand that you cannot claim to love someone and lock them in a room just for you as true love is selfless enough to afford them the freedom they require to become what they need to. Even if that means they must leave. Consider this exercise: Place them in a room with humans that fit their "type" with the license to do as they please for the night. If they come out unspoiled? Rejoice...because you now know they only have a heart for you. Understand they were tempted. Understand they were attracted to all that was in that room and that thoughts of "should I, shouldn't I" were happenstance but because they are truly yours, the thought of you superseded all temptation and attraction. If they took advantage of the opportunity then you know you were not special enough to stave off the risk of your loss. A revelation you would never come to from someone you have placed blinders on and/or kept enslaved in a room of your making. True grace allows the freedom to fail but with the understanding that failure always comes with consequence. Wise words huh? Yeah...
How did I come to this? The brutal fucking honesty of the mirror folks. You have to be willing to downgrade yourself to your bare truth before you can attempt the necessary upgrades. It's scary only because some are afraid to stay in that downgraded state but if you stay focused on the task at hand, you will come through all the better. Take yourself apart and find out how you work only to put yourself back together...only better ;-) We all go through these things so it's ok to accept it. The real problem is to accept it without making the effort to change. Truth is brutal by nature. It will offend and it will hurt at times...but in the end, you will always be better for it...I'm out
Most people only celebrate changes that seem big enough for all to see but coming from a mind that values detail above all else, I celebrate changes that occur at the cellular level. As those are the only ones that truly last...
Imagine an engine that has a slight sputter. Barely noticeable if one tries to listen and if a mechanic were to look deep, they would probably come back with "nothin to worry about"...but you know better. You see that slight sputter is being caused by a two inch hose with a barely noticeable tear in it. No big deal right? Except that you know that if you replaced the hose with one that not only has no tear, but that will provide better air flow, your engine will run smoother, faster and longer. When you are a practitioner of deep introspection, those are the changes you value the most. The ones most will never see but you.
There are many things that can change in the immediate and down the road from a simple change of perspective or a broadening of the same. An inclusion or exclusion of pieces you allowed to exist in your conclusions that have become road signs for you. Simple little things most would never see as life changing can have the deepest impact on your outlook and by extension...your path. Lines are soon drawn in the sand and what you used to entertain no longer brings you pleasure. Forcing your intellectual honesty to make things plainer than before. Where once existed a maybe now demands a certain "yes" or a "no" lest you become one living an existence based on things you are used to as opposed to things you now know you no longer want or need.
I have always said that I am and will always be a stalwart to the truths I hold dear to my heart as I came to them through fire. They are and always will be my foundation. It is on the energy of this foundation where all machines built by me are run and they alone can be tinkered with to produce something greater. Some are still working on their foundations and others seem to not have any at all. That my friends, is what separates the strong from the weak for it is the strength of your foundation that keeps your house from being swept away with the storm. The machines we build on top of that foundation can free us to purpose or weigh us down with unnecessary bulk. Think on this...
As of this writing, my mind is heavy, my heart is steady and my body is weary from the stress I've placed on it. All in the name of betterment...all in the name of upward mobility. Walk if you have to after running. Sleep if you must after long days and nights. Lay still if you have moved too much but don't stay that way for too long. There is always much more to do...I'm out my loves
The slow drip...synergistically overheated deep seeded wax on a soul already settled into flame. A hot wax intended to fill in the cracks left behind by fear and hesitation. Everything slows down so I don't miss a beat as I look into something seen inside a palpable unseen mist. A cloud shrouded under a mantle of prescient purpose and design. This truth I see in my tangible imagination is bread for the manifestation of a chain that extends outward into a progressive beauty. Passion, creation...worth-ship...
I received a tentative date via text today pertaining to when things can actually begin changing. It's no longer just talk. As I walked and talked with my ex I revealed to her a troubling reality that has been gnawing at the back of my neck about going forward. One that I've just put off for quite some time as just something silly. As I spoke, I understood a stark reality...
I noted how things have changed. How humanity has regressed into his primal state. How they have cross-pollinated true ethereal passion with a primally based uncontrolled whim. If he looks at you wrong...hurt him. If you want her...take her. If you want it...take it No one should stop you because you are worth having whatever you desire...bullshit pseudo-psychology run amuk. That's not passion...that's selfish greed. One that stems from primal instincts. One that discards thought, conscience, self-lessness and civility. All things we were taught to outgrow are resurfacing as some form of an awakening when only the opposite is true. History is being rewritten to fit a politically correct agenda and no one is saying a thing about it. Many children today get through High School without even knowing how to read while social media creates a acronym based/pictographic language of it's own...another regression. I look at this world regressing and I see everyone around me regressing along with it. People that I've known for years have shown a blood lust over manufactured events in the media. One in particular tore at my gut as I could see how he was struggling with it and no matter how much reason I threw his way, he just would not budge. The scariest part? He has always seen things almost as clearly as I do. The power of the wave is an overtaking force that will drown anyone that is not rooted deep enough to stand. How does this effect me? I have said it before but the starkness of this truth has never hit me as hard. There is this strong feeling in me that I will eventually remain alone.
I am one that will not change and I will not budge. My friends will join waves I cannot support and my lovers will see I cannot be ruled. As I spoke, I recollected that there may be a couple of folks waitin on me to change for them and since I have never heard how they will change for me, they can keep on waitin....even though they have waited years. Something, I must add, I never tell anyone to do. As though I'm supposed to leave my world and enter theirs as an add-on to their existence. This is the very example that lets me know that I will eventually remain alone. I see men and women spoutin off lists of what they want in a mate but I never see the list that tells the person they are looking for what they are willing to invest or change for the "qualified soul". As though they are seeking an administrative assistant to meet all their needs and wants in exchange for food, sex and housing. As for myself, I require no change as I have no list. That is NOT my way to love and it becomes clear very quickly as I am one to show extreme patience through understanding but I will never put up with blatant disrespect or feeling like there's a chain around my neck. I believe in retaining ones self-actualized identity and way of life that in time, conjoins with another. Becoming a symbiotic relationship based on love that may involve change in certain areas and even sacrifice at times in other areas if the union is found worthy of it. All things involving self-lessness. All things involving true love. All things incidentally...anathema to the primal state we are in today. So yeah, as things get worse, eventually...I will be alone. Lovers may want to cage me and friends may want me on their "side". I will unapologetically tell them all to fuck off. Sounds fuckin bleak right? Yeah, I thought so too. Truth is, the future won't look good for anybody as I see things happening but that's a discussion for another day...
So what do I do about it now? I will sulk and moan and cry and wear sackcloth all fuckin day. Nope. I see the future but I live in the moment and I will live as though this thing will never happen. To dwell on such a thing will only drag my soul across time and I will be missing out on too many good things. Some pretty, some creative and some lucrative. Nah, I ain't about to let that happen. So for now, I will do what I must for me and mine. I will live and love in the fullest way possible and I won't worry about what comes next. I write this eventuality as a reminder. As most of these musings have served me, this one will serve me as well. I never quiet distress...I stare at it until I understand it. When I understand it, I can categorize it and confine it to places within my mind where they can no longer cause me distress but serve as a neon sign when the roads go dark. So back to it then...I'm out
I got nothing but plans within plans rolling around in my mind and I can't seem to shut them off. Folks in situations like this, you can take a walk, watch a stupid movie or just figure out how to chill. Fear is no longer an issue, now it's just excitement over the unknown that awaits. What will change and what will not. What will intensify and what will calm. All the wonderful things you cannot plan for or foresee...it's fucking great!!!
Now, some may try to force creativity just to put out a piece and others may try to find a topic to expound on but in these cases, whatever you write may become tainted by whatever your mind is obsessing over and I can't have that. So what do I do? Share my thought processes as I have them at this very moment. Pretty silly or am I just writing this to remind me of what I went through? Yeah pretty methods to my pretty madness...I'm out
"And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed. They don't know my head is a mess..."
Have you ever allowed someone to share their secrets with you? Did you ever ask yourself why? It is because you showed yourself to be someone that would listen without judgement. Something that is very difficult to do even for close friends. As you listened, did you ever think "How will this effect me?". If you did, then you were more than likely too emotionally invested for it not to bother you and I'm gonna tell you something...it's ok. It's happened to me several times. Within seconds of hearing a thing you think "wow really?" but my people, it's only because you're human. You have feelings and to dismiss them outright would make you a liar. Now having said that, I will say this...
An understanding soul accepts it, shakes it off within seconds and keeps listening because at that moment you are but a sounding board. You shut off the tape so as not to rehearse these things in your mind because they need you to listen and to be able to detach yourself from the investment for the moment. See yourself in their shoes. Look through their eyes. Understand their grief or confusion and remember the times when you felt or did the same. It doesn't matter what they tell you. The person you know is still the same person you knew 5 minutes before they told you. They remain just as beautiful, just as lovely...just as pure. You accepted them knowing they had issues. What's different now? If they've done nothing to you then there is no thought to how this secret should effect you. Now I'm not talkin about murder or child molestation but I am speaking of things they may feel ashamed of or things they've never been able to tell anyone else. Don't add to their shame...just listen and after you listen? Forget...
Years ago someone sent me this song and I never told her but it put a lump in my throat when I heard it. With all the friends and family at her disposal, she told me things she did and was doing that I knew were wrong. Yet during our time together, I only held her to account for that which she did to me. Maybe that shocked her, maybe it didn't...I guess I'll never know but even to this day I can understand why she did the things she did. Not because I tried making excuses for her but because as introspective as I am...I confess I would've thought to do the same given the circumstances. Her greatest redeeming quality was that she sought to confront her past to be able to let go of things that held her down emotionally. Truly a mark of courage and strength. For some that takes a lifetime to do. For others...it takes but a few moments of regurgitation. I am blessed to know many like this even today. So be there as best you can. Without judgement, without fear that you will see them differently. Trusting that you know who they are to you...and always will be. Watch as the shackles disappear right before your eyes and then you will understand how important listening truly is...
Always remember this: To understand another's situation is to not only put yourself in their shoes but it is also to remember a time when you wore similar shoes yourself. Something that requires honest introspection and reflection. Doing this they will fear no shame from you for to shame them would mean you would shame yourself in the process. It's not an easy thing to do but when there's a need...do your best to meet it head on. The best advice givers are the ones that can see the problems where they are and the one thing all those people have in common...is that they know how to listen. Much love...
If I ever called you a king or a queen it was never because I realized your ancestry. Nor was it because you have money, titles or an office worthy of the throne. It was because you had none of these and you still showed some command of self in secret places. It was because I saw a greatness in you that you have yet to realize. It was because you found yourself unworthy by the crosses you bear. Even after realizing all your faults you still held no bitterness by them but in spite of them...you persevered.
True kings and queens demand for nothing. Nor do they desire such a role but are thrust into it by the nobility that others see inside them. They wear honor on their sleeve and are no respecter of persons but show respect to others that they may receive it in return. Without an entitlement driven mentality, they humbly wrestle in this world...in silence. My loves, my lineage is replete with all manner of seeming greatness but that is only because they understood their purpose and followed through under the weight of reluctance. The road they took is mine now and my kingdom has a ruler that prays daily to stay the course that his kingdom may prosper. To make this plain...your kingdom is within you and you must reign with honor, compassion, understanding, humility, wisdom and sacrifice.
To my many kings and queens: I am honored to know you as only true royalty can recognize it's own. Some may subscribe to me a king and queen maker. A title I can't understand since I have no template to give nor can I write a book about how to be a king or a queen as everyone's kingdom is different. All I can do is set the conditions for them to be able to see their kingdom and their true worth. To tell someone they are a king or a queen is never enough...they must see it for themselves. Now if king and queen maker is true of me then it is true of you as well. Remain worthy of your throne and keep persevering...much love...
My fever dream is a bit of blues that ain't nothin but a poetic cry off a poetic high. Awaken the memory of it unto life...for just a taste...
"Tell my your fever dream..." So says the herald...
Her skin shows signs of life as I grab her thigh makin my way up. Grabbing excellence from beneath deep layers into the ecstatic. Layers made visible by shallow breath...
My hand makes it's way up to the sweet cage coverin up the beat that grows increasingly hurried. Kissing her neck softly as I breathe into the nape of her neck...
My travels take me up her back. Tensing up my muscles to tug gently on her hair. My mouth finds a willing partner on her supple lips...
Her legs grow tensed as does her pelvis. She feels what I'm telegraphing without speech. To savor texture and design...
I take her soul to my poet's nest where glimpses of what I do best can be seen fom the inside out. All without plan or precedence. A wave to ride for combustible collision...
I see her steady containment collapse with eyes closed. She's not smooth enough for indifference in this place. Here...in my space...
In this space my drip takes days to fill a glass. Savoring each drip like a cut up piece of succulent steak. Drip inside...drip...for just a taste...
"...one is the loneliest number that you'll ever do..."
I have always said that real growth and change cannot come lest it come from within. Can it be inspired by another?...yes. Yet it must be for one's own sake and not to please another. My last big change came under the pressure of pleasing someone I loved. I did all I could rushing to create an atmosphere where we could be given a chance at a real future. A real future that ultimately lasted about a year. So I stand today without regret or bitterness...just a lesson learned.
Instead of creating an atmosphere for another, I will create one for myself without pressure or fear. When I am done, I will know that if I ask another to join me...they will be sharing in as yet another piece of me. There is always a pretty method to my pretty madness lol
Yeah, it can be kind of lonely but at the end of the day...it's all mine to do with as I please. Besides, the lonely seldom ever have to be "alone". At least in my case anyway...I'm out
In this blog you have read me speak about being a fool for love and some have gladly taken that to heart. Well, I spoke to a young man today with some feedback on this and I feel the need to share it for his own reference and to be able to touch on a very important part of the "fool". So with his permission and careful discretion, I will tell his story leaving out the details:
Mid twenties, good lookin cat meets this young girl. She, by his description is hot with a maturity level he said was evident. Ok, they talk, they go out and they share much. He decides that he is going to shower her with his best and tells her he loves her because after a few months, this is how he feels. He says she seems elated and is well aware of his feelings but that after a few weeks she began to show signs of an unexpected indifference co-inciding with a sudden switch back into elation. He wondered if there was someone else but he was sure there wasn't (I'm still not too sure but whatever, he knows why I say so lol). Now, through it all, he stayed the same as "fools" do. No games, just steady love no matter what. He began to notice that she seemed to act like "she had him like that". As though she could say or do anything and he would not change. He asked me what he was doing wrong because he felt like a fool. I said "exactly homie" lol Except for one little thing...
He did exactly what he was was supposed to do. He gave his gifts freely without recompense...true love. The problem wasn't him...it was that he chose someone that he would come to find was not as mature as he had thought. How does one come to this conclusion? Oh it's very simple. The idea that one would receive such a gift and instead of seeing it as blessing, they see it as just another person that's hungry for something they have that they can now lord over and manipulate. That my people is the clearest sign of the immature. She probably has a few that might be similar but whose intent is far from noble so she doesn't see the difference or she has never truly known someone to be this way just for them. Now I am one to give her the benefit of the doubt and say the latter is so. Why? I have seen way too many fuckboys (even the older men) play the game this way. They come off as though they want longevity just to get some ass. I am seeing this more and more these days which is why I say that I truly do feel sorry for the young. Especially for the good men trying to be right.
Folks, to be a fool does not require you to be a doormat. Nor does it require you to take shit, eat it and say they are the best brownies you've ever had in all your life. If you see this happening, then she either is not ready for a man like you or is just interested in staying in some form of control. Mature folk know what they have when they see it and are willing to compromise for someone like that because they are afraid to lose such a gift. The fools heart will never take that compromise or surrender as a weakness to exploit but instead will be moved into greater love and surrender. This alone will always keep that fool separate from the rest as no bitter word can ever be spoken. I only suggested to him to move on and to keep his gifts hidden until he knows who he is giving to. Never give a gift to someone that A) Will take it for granted or B) Isn't ready to open it. Just keep being a fool for love. Eventually you will come to find someone that knows how to cherish it.
I truly thank God that I have never become ensnared or tangled up with someone like that. Quick story time. I was in a situation years ago. Someone saw what they had in me but it was during a time when I was just beginning to find out all I truly had to offer. This beautiful, seriously "in demand" soul with all her complexities told me that she knew I was all she would ever need. She had a tendency to "play the field" very differently than most because all the people she came across seemed to be lacking in many areas so I understood where she was coming from. I just wasn't ready to accept that I would be all the people she needed me to be. I get it now and I won't cry over spilt milk. I just knew for next time.
Being a fool means you play no games, speak your heart, requited or unrequited and let the chips fall where they may. True love is way too precious to shortchange. If you do this, you will gather beautiful experiences that last a lifetime. Even the pain you feel from rejection produces dividends that will always take you to deeper heights...if you can understand that ;-) So my advice to the young is simple. Love is never the problem and if you do what's right? Neither are you. Get to know who are dealing with before you offer up all that your heart is capable of and "learn" to tell the difference between the fakers and the real. This will save you time and a potentially severe heartache. Good luck out there...I'm out
Yes, things get overwhelming. Yes, I get headaches solving puzzles in my head. Yes, I see too much sometimes and yes...my body is overdoing it. Yes, yes and yes...
Does this mean I get away to feel sorry for myself or change my mind on some things? That is a huge no. I will call it a funk, feeling off or whatever you can understand in 5 seconds or less but there is way more to it than most know. People need to understand that when they feel this way, it is just their being holistically telling them to take a breather. The same way your body lets you know when you're pushing it, so does the heart and the mind. Yet what do we do now? We go to doctors to give us shit. We have a drink to numb the pain, quiet the voices and remove the signs of direction that require decisive action. Just so we can continue on in the muddled mess and call ourselves "strong". What good is strength if you cannot regulate your power or wield it properly? It's like running into battle with blind rage. Yeah, you'll take quite a few people out...including yourself.
I take my time to re-organize my mind. To re-prioritize my thoughts properly and bring my heart into the place it should be for it's own success. To feel, see and hear sharply. To never allow a jump to conclusions. To reason through my emotions until my mind and body can facilitate my hearts desire. It is in these times when you can see it all because all the speakers to your stereo have been blown out from being played too loud. Now, you are ready to process everything. It is in this place where you find reason to show grace. Where you are able to see another's vantage point. Where you are able to solidify love by reconciling your heart with your mind. Where you get to know them at heart from all that's been said, felt and done. If they only knew how much you speak to them or have them in mind, they would truly get tired of you but that is a discussion for another time. Yet most of all, this time of silence...is where I find new reasons to keep writing.
No one will ever truly know how much is spent when one spills out his soul in creative ways. I could write two pieces a day and each will take a part of me to create. It's not just rhymes and it's not just a story. Real art is a piece of one's soul. Sometimes it flows easy but most times, it takes quite a bit of soul regurgitation to formulate the outer and inner messages behind each one. I could receive the most expensive gifts in the world but none ever equals the vastness of value that comes from deep inside a more valuable world than this one...the heart. I have been left speechless by some writings and even a simple song sung from someone dear. You really just don't know what to say because I know what it takes to do that. So it is in these moments of silence where I, holistically find my center while at the same time...become more difficult to understand.
I have spoken many times about my dualistic nature. Moses and Apollo. Moses being the man of duty that has an earthly history and character that co-incides with his experience. Apollo being the man of eros, incessant passion, craving and artistic creativity. Yet both co-existing in a house that can more than adequately fulfill the tasks both require at any given moment. Both finding place in each other. Sometimes stepping on each other's toes but both sharing in quality. Some might think this crazy or some kind of displacement. Oh, how narrow is their mind. No, it is my way of finding room and purpose for all that is good in me without contradiction. Where Moses will make love, Apollo will turn it into something more. Moses has a keen sense of morality, Apollo keeps a code...they meet in the middle when it's called for. Is that clear enough? Good but it just makes me a hard man to "learn". I never have a "one size fits all" for the upper layers of humanity and because of this, what you thought will get a man going might make me yawn. Yet once I am "learned", most come to find me very easy to please. Most aren't willing to take the time to learn that dichotomy but you know what ? I really don't give a shit anymore...
I will do as I do irrespective of who understands it. In time, those that care "get it" and those that don't? I can't do nothin for em.
So my people, don't be fooled into believing that your "downed" feeling is simply a depressive state. Look inside and see with new eyes that all you really need is a recharge. Take your time to do things right as the best things in life are never rushed. Culmination points are great but you know what's even better? The journey there...I'm out
I wrote this piece back in 2011. Reading it again...I'm glad it's still true except for one thing. I am no longer "jaded"...
"Her when she says "I love you" even when she doesn't show it all the time. I still believe that when she holds my hand she's happy mine is the one she gets to hold. I still believe that when tears stream down her face they're not the crocodile kind. I still believe her when she says "I care" and cups my face in her hands with the affection of someone dear...and close. I still believe in love...I still believe in her...I have seen just enough to know that it's all still true...
One day the scales will fall and all will be clear. One day I'll get to keep an embrace. One day I'll be who I said I would be and one day...I will have my joy
You ever get so tired that you feel like laying down and forgetting the world? I feel like that at this very moment. Your mouth is tired of speaking, your mind is spent from thought and your body can only take so much more. I think a bit of silence is in order...
We push anyway don't we? Maybe not today...
Or at least until I hear "Phone for you...it's life". Fucker calls me all the time..I'll remedy that too lol
The king in heavy thought was ready to express himself. He stood before his audience and all that he thought to say was..."You know..."
Leaving his audience he doubted his delivery and words would make the point for all he wanted to say but he kept hearing those words over and over again..."...you know..." You see he had this image in his mind of a puzzle. A complex puzzle that once completed would form a map made specific to his journeys. Journeys that had the capacity to reach higher ground for the next map to be put together from puzzle pieces.
The first map needed no pieces as his father had given him that one to start his journey along. The next map was an actual puzzle whose final piece was prayed for. Delivered to the king by God Himself under the strangest of circumstances. It was a hard map to follow but that would be the longest journey he would face. Making him a man worthy of his crown. The map after that one needed a jagged piece. It fit but it made no sense to him as to why or even how. He followed by sheer blind passion towards a journey that was short but hard. All the hows and the whys were answered some time after his journey had ended. It left him mapless and dangling in the air teaching him how to survive in the wilderness. Skills he could never learn in the comfort of a home were now mastered by him. Finally coming to terms with the idea that a king could reign mapless, he took all he learned from both journey's to begin creating another map of his own making. An extremely complex map of what he considered "a way with no way" and as he looked for that final piece, he came to understand that many pieces would fit that final spot just fine but none afforded him the culmination needed for the map to flow towards the higher ground he sought. Some pieces felt so comfortable but their faces would not match the map's flow. Others matched the map's flow but did not feel as right. So he looked back at the other two that had brought him this far and found that their similarities had nothing to do with ease, comfort or even flow but had everything to do with a "locking in" that would occur at their placement. It was as though the pieces themselves knew they belonged. As though you could leave them be for years and they would still feel misplaced wherever they were even though they completely fit elsewhere...they just wouldn't lock in. When they were placed perfectly, they would singe themselves into the puzzle itself. Once locked in, it was impossible for them to be removed because the puzzle would then cease to be a puzzle and become an actual map. Ready to read...ready to flow...
This particular map was different than the other two. Oddly shaped but beautiful in it's culmination because it was in fact, open-ended and flowed differently than the other two. Describing something that looked more like an adventure with less to learn and more to accomplish. So one night the king... To be continued...pretty soon...
What is the meaning of this parable? Them that have ears to hear...let them. To them that don't? I guess you weren't meant to... Just one thing though...the pieces? Have puzzles of their own ;-)
