The Escape Artist...

This night I feel spent.  As though I have centered my heart on something heavy to be able to finally release it for rest.  No my pretty soul(s), it's not what you think...that can never happen...

I can remember many times growing up in the church how people would pull me aside and tell me their troubles.  In private they would cry as they told me their innermost secrets.  I'd share my insight with them and watch them feel refreshed and recouped from something heavy.  Days would pass and as was my way, the secret conversation never took place so by their subsequent actions, I would no longer exist until the next time they needed counsel.  If I was invited anywhere, it was usually to speak to a friend of theirs that needed help.  I stood neutral among clicks of groups that I never could belong to and although I felt bitterness creeping in because of it, I never let it happen.  My true friends were like me and I could count them on one hand.  Later I would understand that their need for clicks was just something teenagers did so it's burden lessened.  I was beginning to understood something...

Years later I would focus on my home as a husband and a father.  All the while becoming a man...the same would follow me.  Except this time, favor and outward praise came with it.  I'd be on ships listening to men that would never cry unload their cares on me.  One case stunned me beyond words.  A young man known to be a hard rapper divulged to me the secrets of his life.  In tears he told me how much he truly loved his kids and how he wished he could be free from the facade of being "hard" all the time.  How he couldn't hold back tears when he had to say goodbye for the first time as he loaded his belongings onto the bus for his maritime training.  I told him that if ever he wanted to be himself, he'd always know where to find me.  I witnessed first hand how the troubles of teenagers shift as they grow older but you see I knew that...as I was now a man.  I was beginning to understand something more...

After my divorce women that I have entreated would seek me out to unload.  I would get screeds in emails of relationship issues or life issues I would stay up late to answer.  I was their momentary escape.  Sometimes through physical intimacy, other times through speech but there was this one revealing moment I will never forget.  As was my way, at night I would light candles and softly play my guitar or listen to The Cinematic Orchestra play off my system with a glass of wine at my side.  Night time for me was special because the world was quiet.  You feel only your heartbeat when it's quiet and all the voices that ring heavy in the world are silenced.  Without divulging too many details, a beautiful soul asked to come over.  She came upstairs and instead of what you might think, we did something different.  She just sat next to me and said nothing.  We listened to music, drank some wine and watched the shadows dance to the candlelight until we fell asleep.  She basically just tagged along for one of my normal nights.  She kissed me in the morning, said "thank you" and left.  I wandered the promenade in thought that day wondering what I had done as I did nothing different from any other night that was my own.  I was just being myself.  Folks, looking back, I could call my place a den of sin all I want but I can also call it a place many considered a sanctuary.  A place that offered me good times and bad.  The bad is all but gone now and all that is left is beauty.  Yet I can say today that all this is not in some "den" nor is it in the guitar, the wine or the candles...it's in me where it's always been.  Not always perfect but sewn in me for perpetual existence.  Now, I understand.  Yet not just for the sake of awareness but more...unto acceptance...

From time to time I come to these realizations about myself only to come close to resenting them all over again for my solitude.  I pray that this one sticks this time.  It's very easy for humble folk to own up to all the wrongs they've done but to accept credit is near impossible.  I see them as giftings from God so I will not accept credit for how I made you feel.  Instead, I will thank God for the gift he's given me to be an escape for many that are burdened.

Now, was all this just about me?  Did I just take 3 minutes of your time to tell you how great I am?  No my loves.  This...is about you.  You with the gifts that are going to waste.  Allowing fear to keep you bound into a place of complacency.  Keeping quiet what you know is in you but are afraid to acknowledge because if you were to acknowledge it would mean acting on that knowledge.  Stop being afraid of what makes you great.  Accept it.  Live and breathe out your gift.  Not just in your profession, but in your daily walk.  The more you understand about your purpose, the more sense your life will make in panorama from your beginnings to your present day...I'm out

~Moses

Skywriting - A Poem by Moe

he hears her voice while writing verse

to formulate his rhyme

that soft and gentle sounds immerse

the words that seep to climb

as spirit are such words of love

when all that's said is true

they seep inside to rest above

and kiss like morning dew

in heaven now his words abide

all cast as works of art

for all to see but one to hide

as heaven is her heart  

so hearken unto him once more

before his time is passed

for stands he soon before the door

to greater rooms at last

his words at ever present stand

where presence did caress

now letters serve as soothing hand

that love should prove no less

and should those letters lag behind

keep keen the lovers eye

place hand to heart and you will find

his writing in the sky...

~Moses

Awakenings For Growth...

"I want to be a good man...I want to do right..."

Humans are funny things.  No better than animals operating on instinct when they're born.  Selfish and inconsiderate.  Wanting only for themselves all hours of the day and night as they never take into consideration the fact that you have to get up early in the morning to work.  Learning manipulation early as tears and screams are nothing but a ploy to make sure they get carried.  Wanting all the attention for themselves even though there are others in the room.  Oh...you thought I was talking about infants?  Nah, I was talking about some of the adults I know...

Good one right?  I'm sure you know them too as they are ever increasing in this day and age.  Older folk that should know better and don't.  Is it because they weren't taught?  No, it's because we live in a society that says "we're fine as we are" and there is no need to change.  Problem is...it isn't true.  Selflessness, honor and sacrifice are traits that we learn when we have our eyes open to how we can improve upon our own condition.  Without open eyes to the truth of our condition, we can grow intellectually and even have some success going through the motions but remain immature to all else.
At base, everyone and I mean everyone...is exactly the same.  As we grow, our experiences bring out all that is unique about each of us and hopefully, the best in us.  All based on perspective that is based on vantage point.  How do we become better?  Change your vantage point to add to your perspective. Add to your perspective to be able to broaden your vision.  The more you see, the more you process and the more you process...the greater the number of choices available to you beyond instinct.

Many ask me how I could know what so and so will do or say.  It's quite simple.  Guage their maturity level.  If they are mature, they will be conscientious of their own thought process and you can measure out the many choices available to them.  If not...they are infants that are capable of doing anything and everything to have their way through instinctive measures alone which in fact, are few.  Animals acting on instinct are knee jerk in their responses.  Never taking time to consider what is actually being said or done.  Now, irrespective of our maturity levels, we all have base instincts that will always exist.  What separates the mature from the immature is that the mature have enough sense and experience to keep the destructive instincts under control.  The immature don't even care as they have yet to have that awakening that says..."I have a problem I need to work on".  Today, that hour is drifting further and further into what should be considered adulthood.  By that time, much damage has been done that needs repairing.  This is specifically why I, as a parent, have been focused more on my children's character than academics or anything else.  Intellectual barbarians are a dime a dozen...good men are hard to find.

I live, I watch, I live, I listen and never fully disclose all I see.  The many souls that have come and gone through my life are studies in light and darkness but the soul I have learned the most from...is my own.  To look and see my own darkness and light as they both reside at the base of us all.  I understand myself fully and understanding myself allows me to understand you.  Now I could use this to easily manipulate you or I can use this to help you.  I have chosen the latter to my own detriment at times but it's only because I have given myself no other choice.  Why?

 "11 When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. 12 For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known."

Get it yet?  There are only a few that actually will which will always give those that do an immutable advantage.  I'm out...

~Moses Apollo

Staying Sweet-Like...

Too many have become so hardened that they have lost the ability to truly love...even to dream. Some can call me one the most hardened men they will ever meet because I see the brutal truth of what is but this does not make me strong. It just makes me acutely aware. I am strong because I allow my heart to beat and bleed beneath a calcified chest that should by all rights not be able to make room for such things but it does so nonetheless. For me, stoicism is an invaluable often used tool...but not a way of life. I don't know about you but there is something special about the fairy tales we grew up reading that still reverberates inside. "The Wonderlands" and "The Neverending Stories" filled with magic and something called "true love" that granted it's wielder the power to fend off evil and break spells. There is no question that clouds are coming and that living in a bubble is akin to wandering a battlefield clueless, without weapons...without even knowing why anyone is fighting. By all means stay aware and keep raising your awareness but don't let your hardened eyes overtake your soul...

My loves,..every once upon a time, it's good to recall that field of dreams where the sun is high and the birds are still singing. My once upon a time is quite simple. I can see the day dress she's wearing flowing in the warm breeze revealing just a hint of her beautiful form and I'm walking up that hill of flowers to meet my love. She's greeted by a soft, lingering kiss and the warmest hug she's ever received making us both but a backdrop to God's creation like a soft sigh that just goes on and on. Her hand is gently held as we walk...just walk. No words need be spoken because our presence and touch have read verse inspired by the greatest poets of our time. Our landscape consists of mountains of green, trees lightly swaying and just a bit further...a stream that we can sit by. The bubble dream where there's no one but us. No governments controlling need and no media controlling thought. With the delight of freedom to believe in life and love as it was meant to be...freely ordained by the beauty of the soul God granted us.

To most this may seem far fetched. An ideal long since dead and gone the way of romanticism and chivalry but these things exist in me today more than ever before. They fuel my passion as much as the skin that rests upon the soul I'm blessed to love. I am who I am...and I will never change. No matter how bleak my condition or what doom surrounds my world. My weakness to love, to care, to bleed and to believe makes this man stronger than a hundred and twenty men.

Yeah, I believe in love and all that comes with it and I will manifest it in this pessimistic place as best I can. Whether it be through duty in honor, redemptive grace, immutable sacrifice or surrendered passion. I will always do my best to stay..."sweet-like".

My loves...I pray you do the same and add some much needed color to your worlds of grey...much love...

~Moses Apollo Apolinaris

The King's Sun - A Poem by Moe

"Leave a light on..."

the king awoke at daily rise 

to catch a glimpse of her

while penning verse for sweetest eyes

for one he did prefer

at night she'd smile to sweetest themes

as king would speak soft tones

that she may rest to sweetest dreams

and feel the love she owns  

but then one day the time did come

eclipse would shield his day

for needful would his day be glum

that growth may come her way

celestial are rotations placed

for cycles to make straight

the path to truth all bodies faced

regarding wisdom's fate

so king imbibed all duty's wine

with paintings to appease

just knowing that his sun would shine

did set his heart at ease

now if eclipse outlasts his night

he knew his sun still shined

and if eclipse brought back her light

he'd love the more he'd find

  

~Moses

Shit!!!

"I am the Lizard King...I can do anything!!!"

I think I may have broken my toe in a fit of non-sensical rage that had me kicking a garbage can the wrong way.  God I hope not...but it sure does make for a funny story!!!

On a side note, I guess I have embraced my place among the Gods of "silly".  I have said it before but this time I am seriously thinking about capitalizing on it while taking it to the next level.  My head is where it should be about it more than ever before so all fear has gone from me concerning such a thing.  I guess all I can say now is...let's see what happens.

~Apollo

Stlll Learning...

How many times have I posted the same title?  Too many times?  No, not enough...

Today I uncharacteristically got caught up in a non-sensical argument that should have ended at it's inception but to both our shame...continued unchecked.  We saw it in time but the fact that it happened made me wonder.  What has changed in me?  Or is it elsewhere?  Or everywhere?  Folks to do this right requires brutal honesty and if you're so caught up in your daily bullshit affirmations telling you that you can do no wrong because you're "a good person", I suggest you pull your head out of ass and admit some truths about yourself.  It's the only way we grow.  You may be "good" but you like anyone else will fuck up.  Admitting you're human is a good step but it doesn't excuse it.  Nor does "understanding it" give you license to continue your fucked up behavior.  Understanding is the first step to change and it allows others to look past it IF you are actually making the effort to improve.  Stop tryin to convince yourself that your shit don't stink and get with the fuckin program.  You don't like my talk?  Fuck off and eat shit...

Now, take a look at the paragraph above.  Do I sound angry?  Did that piss you off?  Well guess what?  I'm not angry in the slightest and I wrote that with a smile on my face.  I wanted to show you something.  How easy it is to create a perspective and by extension...fan the primal flames of discomfort.  Easy right?  Well what do you think you are being fed daily?  Yeah...you're gettin it...

Times will change whether you like it or not as that train has long since left the station.  As the times change, we will need to change as well.  Not with the times...but against them.  I'll explain what I mean...

I am perplexed at how some people believe that can say they have things "figured out" when in fact, they have only scratched the surface.  We "introspectives" develop an "other" intuition.  Not just the ability to catch what is going on outside ourselves but also and more importantly, the ability to catch what is going on inside.  As the times change, so must our tolerance levels to greater stimuli.

Some may be aware of training techniques employed by fighters.  One such technique is to train for endurance by the expansion of lung capacity.  How do they do this?  They train in the mountains...where the air is thicker.   Training under normal conditions these men can run for miles at their best.  Put them in the mountains and they will tire quickly.  So in the mountains, they train to adapt to the new conditions.  Adding as yet another advantage over their opponent.  This is the same principal we must employ to the inner man as the times begin to drastically change.

What we learned to endure will no longer matter.  As things get worse we will need to learn how to adapt.  Our inner lung capacity will need to expand even more in order to be able to breathe in the environments that are on the way.  Those that have it "figured out" will be swept up into the chaos and lest you think I'm talkin about meteors with apocalyptic meaning, I'm talkin about the loss of reason and logic.  The time when feeling will replace truth as standard.  I'm talkin about the ever increasing violent streak that is becoming acceptable.  When the insane will be validated as sane simply because we can no longer "judge" sanity by truth and fact.  When an argument over politics will be decided in blood to a cheering audience of voters.  Sounds extreme?  Think about the random knife slashings going on in NY.  How that "trend" is spreading across the country.  You think that's new?  Well, if you didn't know, these things can all be connected to a knockout game that was being "played" by youths across the country to gain some online celebrity status.  The scariest thought here is that these little pricks will one day be able to decide whether my old ass is worth living or dying...not if I can help it.  Watch yourselves.  Keep your anger and depressive states in check.  Hold on to truths that have been proven as fact and if you are unsure, do your research again if need be.  

Keep your antennas up, in and on.  Don't allow yourselves to be swept up in the chaos.  Don't allow yourselves to get taken by the tide of the times.  I always tell people to "keep pushing".  Inner growth is no exception as it is the central station to all other growth.  Stay vigilant...I'm out

~Moses Apollo  

"Letting Go" - A Process...

Imagine yourself in a new burgeoning romance, fling...whatever you want to call it.  Circumstances keep you both from expressing all you want to but you risk the frustration of it anyway because you don't want to lose a good thing.  Now imagine your feelings grow and the circumstances now become something you can no longer deal with.  What do you do?  Allow me to explain this one as best I could.

Please understand that what I will reveal could make me very vulnerable as I do not reveal too much of my processes lest any should think to take advantage but please be forewarned that I set this up for my inner man so that my processes could never be influenced or tricked by outer stimuli.  Having said that I will begin...

Given the example above most would say "let's end it".  What that means for them and what it means for me are two very different things.  For most it means a complete cut-off with an adjoining "soul searching" that includes finding justification for the cut-off which basically means assigning blame.  Most will seek to amplify the negatives of the other to the point where they now view the people they just left as "toxic" even if this was never the case while they were together.  They will take themselves out of the equation completely when seeking reasons why the relationship failed and omit all understanding they gained concerning the "negatives" while they were together creating for themselves a reason to say "fuck em!!!" whenever the memory of them springs up.  It is easier to deal with a complete cut-off this way but it is an exercise for cowards that do not want to deal with inner struggles honestly.  Folks, there was a reason you loved them as you did and that never changes with an argument.  Arguments happens and things are said that can be biting but these are said through a primal inclination we have to win at all costs.  When I get this way, I know that I have no thought to resolve a matter but instead subjugate the person I love as I would an opponent.  This is where I stay silent to regain my thoughts and think clearer to be able to share my point and listen to hers.  To come to the place where I can say "I was wrong" in this and she can say the same.  That is the ultimate sign of self-control and maturity.  Sadly that doesn't always happen and you are left gritting your teeth but I digress as I will deal with this topic on another day.  How does this "letting go" differ from my own?  This is where it gets tricky or as I like to say..."nuanced"...

Now, the reason why this is common place is because most feel that in order to maintain "love" certain steps must be taken.  I do not share this view as I believe love by it's nature is unconditional.  I cringe when I hear someone say "If you love me, you will..." as I see that as a manipulation tactic.  I see true love as a separate entity that conjoins the souls of the two involved irrespective of action, time or distance.  The things we do are an expression of that love but those things do not make or break it in the slightest when it is real.  When there is true love, I view it as a rope that is forever attached and the purest evidence of this in found in the natural expression of the purest love...parenting.  In the case of two individuals, this rope I speak of never begins short but after years can end up that way.  This rope for me has notches that describe how much of that love I am allowed to answer to.  The first notch can represent care and the freedom to express it.  The next may represent a greater knowledge and understanding of each other's inner workings.  The next might represent a deeper expression through tender platitudes of love, greater affection and a deeper spiritual intimacy.  The next could represent the allowance of physical touch and greater physical intimacy.  The next may even represent the deepest and most profound levels of physical intimacy through "coupling" until finally all is freely expressed and "self" includes each other in most things.  Mind you none of these are set in stone but they give you an idea of what I see when it comes to "love" and "loving" in practical terms.

Now that you understand this, I can tell you that where most would cut the rope, I will often choose go back a notch and I do so given the circumstances provided.  If the relationship was toxic, I may have to cut but given the level of understanding I have acquired concerning the women I have loved, I can thankfully say none have really been that toxic to merit a complete cut-off.  What does that mean in practical terms?  It simply means that my love will remain.  Now you must be saying "Oh so they can just come back and you'll go back up some notches?  Hell no...it just means that I have come to the place where I can accept that my love's expression for them will exist in perpetuity but will have boundaries that must be adhered to if there was some level of toxicity that was harmful to me or anyone in my family or given the circumstances in the moment.  Too many believe that if there is even a hint of love that everything must be allowed.  That is simply foolish because I have known women that will say they still have love for men that have even beat them or cheated on them.  Imagine a woman or a man going back to that?  There are women I love that I know I will never have a relationship with and there are women I love that I can see myself having a relationship with if the circumstances were to line up right.  Most I keep in the "care" notch as I truly look for them to succeed in all their endeavours and I can truly say that only one or two are above that in some way shape or form.

As for the "flowed" application of my way (if you want to call it that), I choose to make my expression dependant on what I am perceiving from her.  I will never push my way up the rope nor will I use trickery or deception to pull anyone closer.  If I see them moving towards me, I will do the same.  If I see them backing off, then I will respect their wishes and do the same.  If I see a back and forth, then I wait to see if any movement solidifies.  Not everyone is comfortable moving closer given their circumstances (or mine), fears or hang-ups and one needs to respect that especially if there is love.  Understanding, respect, care and patience are all by-products of true love.  This does not mean you are at a stand-still painstakingly pining for anyone.  It just means you understand your place in their lives and if their should come the time where you hold no place at all, then you would not have lost a thing.  You check in on them from time to time, you make sure they are OK and if there is anything you could do to help in any situation you do so.  Love engenders this and it is a reality that the intellectually honest cannot escape.  In this setting I remember all the beautiful while understanding that there will either never be a place for us OR I can look forward to a time of possible change for an attempt at getting closer again.  My love will always remain...for some more than others.

Lest you think me callous in this application, I can tell you that every time I have had to go down a notch, it felt like a loss.  With all the pain, confusion and heartache that comes with it.  It eases in time and you become settled into your new position.  Yet it is harder when you know you have no way of getting any closer.  Oh and one other point on the motivation behind this.  This is in no way a back pocket device.  I don't "keep women"...I love them.  Love asks for nothing but gives all.  If you are placating past loves just to have a place to go or because you want to use them for something later, then you are being dishonest with them and you should make your boundaries with them clear.  Doing so will keep you honest as it would be dishonorable to go against your own word.

So now you know my people.  For me "letting go" simply means that I have backed off from the posited expression I held.  This isn't a "program" nor is it a gamer's ploy.  It is "me" working with my inner man and not against.  True love is perpetual and you can decide to accept the truth of it or make up some bullshit to make yourself feel better.  And so ends our lesson of the day...till next time...

`Moses

Everlast - A Poem by Moe

the strangest altruistic

for cogs that hold your soul

uncommon deals the mystic

that fills the empty hole

healing lifelong surfaced pain

he burrows deep inside

risking all his surfaced gain

for peace life had you hide

seeing joy with heart at ease

at distance love holds true

spaces built for granted keys

remain a home for you...

~Moses  

The Light - A Poem by Moe

"Lilac wine is sweet and heady where's my love?..."

the sun did hide behind the clouds

uncertain shadows crowed

he looked for light among the crowds

to claim what he'd been owed

the crowds disperse as they would do

when needful was his heart

reminding him of all that's true

that lonely is his part

so somber was his state thus worn

to sit and wait for rest

as flowers birthed new heavy thorn

from failed unspoken test

remembers he that loves first kiss

is all that he did need

to find that hopeful heady bliss

and plant that inner seed

the seed that grows in passion's flame

that only he'd produce

he's thankful for the kiss that came 

to plant for future use

ignoring knocks outside his room

his steady mind now honed

the thorns did wane as flowers bloom

from inner light he owned 

~Moses

Fakin For The Green...

"Some love is just a lie of the soul.  A constant battle for the ultimate state of control.  After you've heard lie upon lie, there can hardly be a question of why..."

Here ye oh beautiful women and some of you "in demand" gents!!!

I come baring gifts of yet another glaringly obvious ploy that "shits and giggles" often tend to hide.  I have oft times spoken to you about the need I have for transparency and now I will explain my reasoning as to why.  It all begins with my disgust for gamesmanship when it comes to intimacy and love.  Why you might ask?  Allow me to explain...

My insistence for transparency is a reflexive recoil from what I have seen others do that has utterly disgusted me.  So I decided long ago that I would take on transparency as a code to live by when it comes to most things...especially intimacy.  Folks, pure intimacy is dependant on trust and without it, you will fail miserably at achieving what intimacy is meant to accomplish: the purest connection available to mankind.  I will begin any courtship by being completely transparent when it comes to all the negatives I believe will drive one away.  At which point an informed choice can be made by the woman I am talking to.  She will then decide if she wants to continue the courtship, write me off altogether or keep me as a friend.  Why do this?  Am I not risking a hit by telling the truth?  Yes, but what I gain is far more valuable to me.  Respect and the proof provided that I can always be trusted.  Too many these days reveal just enough to get the person they are courting comfortable to continue in said courtship.  Leaving out details that would normally red light the person they are courting.  Oh these "liars by omission" plan on telling them...just not yet.  Why?  In order to lull them into a false sense of security and break down the walls long enough to get into their heart and/or mainly...their pants.  They rightfully figure that given enough time, they can take what they want and provide any excuse they want once their dirty details emerge to be able to take even more.  They count on a false intimacy developing and once that happens, all decisions are usually made by emotion as opposed to logic.

I write this as someone that has been on the receiving end of this ploy and as such, I have found it deplorable.  I give no one the green light to my whole person until I know and confirm they are telling me the absolute truth about themselves so I begin the process by opening up myself to rejection right away.  This way I stay true to my honor and I show them by example what I expect in return.  I have known friends that I have had for years give me parts of a story to do the same.  Something that I find tragic because years should have built up enough equity for total transparency but when someone wants something from you, they will say anything you want to hear to take it...especially in this age of "me".  One must accept a universal truth:  All things will come to light one day...ALL things.  Which is why it is always best to be and stay transparent.  A beautiful soul once said to me that "transparency is a motherfucker" and she was right.  She had just told me something that wasn't "wrong" per say but just knew I wouldn't like.  Yet because she told me, I naturally recoiled for a few seconds and then came to the place her transparency took me to be able to say..."At least she's being honest about it".  You see, in most cases humans need a redeeming quality in order to afford someone grace after they have committed an error and immediate transparency does the job.  There is nothing wrong with failing (outright or in someone's eyes) but there is everything wrong with lying about it to keep the illusion of one's piety and/or suitability in tact.  Think on this the next time someone tells you a story that has you thinking "there's definitely more to this story".

Folks, no matter how much of a good time you've had or how long you've known them, don't let anyone fake you out for the green light.  Keep that red light on until you have your questions fully answered and verified.  Just keep in mind that if they lied about something once, they're probably still lying to you.  I like to believe you're better than the people that do this.  Trust somewhat but fully verify...I'm out...

~Moses  

Cycles...

What if you could go back and relive the past?  Make different choices based on all you know now that has happened.  By the time you were done course correcting you'd wind up an ultra-sensitive, entitlement-minded, spoiled impetulant child with zero life experience.  Basically...a neophyte.

In truth, if I did that, I'd be saying yes this very day to many things I have just said no to.  Which incidentally is the purpose for this entry.  As a reminder that no matter how much the past I have rightfully left behind tugs at me...I will not yield to it's call.  I took way too many hits to do otherwise.  Too many people live in vicious cycles because maybe they didn't get hit hard enough the first time out to learn the proper lesson.  They keep going back to what didn't work thinking they could do it right this time "if only" they would turn right instead of left...good luck with that.  If one has truly changed for the better then you can never change the past.  All you can do is look ahead with the eyes and sensibilities you have today.  As for me? I have new lessons to learn and old ones to build upon from new experiences.  So yeah...I got some stuff to do.  I'm out...later ;-)

~Moses

Shrouded - A Poem by Moe

whisper now through silent breath

love shrouded lives by grace

now hidden under frauded death

for none could take its place

that severed seen unbroken ties

so none should seek inquire

and so he dons dismissive guise

he'll be your mighty liar

look inside and find him there

his silhouette maintains

guised as mist for lovers care

with love that still remains...

~Moses

Pawns In The Game Of "Id"...

I have been wanting to write about this deal here for quite some time but if written in frustration, it would come out really wrong.  Now settled into my quiet zone I can address this issue.  You ready gents?

When is it ever a good time to fight another man for a woman?  Never...

Oh but wait...  Indulge me for a few more seconds of brain power here.  If a man shows up wanting to fight you for the hand of your woman, first, ask him why he believes he can claim her.  If he begins with..."she said she loved me" or "we've been talking" or "we made love" ask him for proof.  If he brings you proof, bring this man to her and with a smile tell him "she's all yours...have fun" and keep it moving.  Now, if he is delusional and your woman has not entertained any of his advances then speak to your woman to make it clear to him that she has not nor ever will be interested in him.  If he persists, then and only then do you have my blessing to beat his delusional ass for the sake of honor alone for he has disrespected your place and your relationship.  Clear?  Good...

What is the moral behind these rules?  Always find out if your woman has been the catalyst behind another man's claim of "place" in her life.  If she flirted with him and gave him time enough to naturally conclude that he is in the running for her then she needs to go and you need to celebrate that loss.  Time and energy are extremely important so do not under any circumstances waste it on bullshit.  If she wants to play, let her play without you because while she may feel a rush over the fact that men are fighting over her, you are the one wasting time and energy over foolishness.  Spill blood for noble reasons...not for the ego of someone else that is already looking to better you.  Go home, make yourself a sandwich.  Kick up your feet and better her.

Allow me one more that is a bit more complex and nuanced.  You meet this beautiful woman.  There is no commitment but you're hitting it off.  You both know that and all is clear.  One of her other men sees that you speak to her and for whatever unjustified reason, feels threatened by you.  He begins to check you out even though they have the same type of open relationship.  Maybe they are getting more serious than you were led to believe but you wouldn't know that because it's really none of your business.  All you know is that she is alluding to "issues" and you say "fine".  There is nothing there and no need for you to concern yourself as to whether or not you are getting in the way.  You go on about your business as usual.  He now begins asking her about you and tells her that the only reason he is asking is because he thinks you are following him around.  Instead of laughing this off, she questions you as though there was some truth to his claims.  You are not only amused at the thought that someone would make that claim about you but you are now beside yourself that she would even entertain that bullshit.  Given that you are not committed to her and that you now realize that he needed to be led to believe that they are getting closer what do you do?  Simple...you step aside.  You don't blame her for his insecurities nor should you remain upset that she believed his lunacy but you no longer want any part of the mess that will come from her being with a man like that or any other that may come along.  It was understood so no harm done except that now you are forced to really keep your distance from someone you have come to love.  It's hard to end the warm platitudes of a burgeoning romance but for the sake of the fullness of her experience you do so even as it kills you.  Move forward and press on as though nothing has taken place...fake it.  You do so because this is her journey and if you love her, you will understand the deeper significance that will come of it.  Be there if she needs you, check up on her from time to time and if the love was real...it will endure.  If not?  It was a beautiful moment in time you will never forget.  

So gents, in the former example, you let it go lovely because she was playing games.  In the latter, you let it go begrudgingly because you want no part of the games being played on her.  In either case...you keep your peace intact.  Never fight without good reason and never allow yourself to be a pawn in anyone's game.  If you know who and what you are, you will live a life without regret or fear.  If you don't?  Shit I can't help you with that...I'm out

~Moses

Wanted But Daunted...

"...and so it goes, and so it goes...and so will you soon I suppose..."

Have you ever found yourself wanted?  I mean where you know it to the core.  You feel them in your bones.  You take glances at them when they are unaware and catch them losing their cool as they try to sit still but can't.  That giddy little girl wants to dance but they subdue the hell out of her.  They fear you will look at them as any other silly girl that giggles at the sight of you but what they don't know is (at least with me)...it's impossible to view them any differently than you do now.  You know they feel as they do but are afraid of being vulnerable around you so they decide to go the other way.  Instead of showing the interest they actually feel, they shy away from any such actions that may seem to place them under your thumb.  Making them seem cold in the process.  Making you question their desire for you.  Making you question why you are even there.  Oh, they will throw kernels your way from time to time but always treading carefully that it isn't anything too big.  Strange way to love?  Or all just too damn human?

Now you in your way do all you can to show how you feel.  You say all you feel to say without fear and even though you get nothing of equal value back, you're unconditional love keeps you there as though their simple presence was enough to equal in value.  That is until your mind begins to try to reconcile it all so that you can holistically be assured that your love's course is the prudent one.  This is where it all gets tricky.  You see you already know they desire you but for several reasons are too afraid to let go and show the extent of it.  You being as you are decide to apply understanding and wait, keep doing as you do and watch where the process goes.  Sadly...it usually stays right where it is and you may have inadvertently lent a hand in keeping things as they are.  How?  You never changed.  You never budged.  Giving them the illusion that all is fine the way things are and that your love as manifested will remain that way in perpetuity when logistically speaking...it just can't.   No matter how unconditional your love is, it still needs fuel to fire it and without any fuel from them, you will eventually peter out.  Not because you love them any less but because your efforts will eventually run out of gas.  Now, if you are blessed, their self-awareness will kick in to look at where they may be able to improve things, cut things off or decide to let go of the fear and trust you will see their actual desire for you as something to be cared for as opposed to something to be taken advantage of.  Yet in this day of gamesmanship, I can tell you that this justifiable fear is not an easy thing to break because if you listen enough, you will hear how many times they loved fully only for that love to be taken for granted or even sometimes...abused.

So where are you left?  You are left with "friends" that you wanted to love fully but couldn't because the process of inner reconciliation would not allow it and they are left wondering if there is still a chance that never materializes.  You watch them go off with those they know they will not have to invest in fully because what they get from them is standard and something they can handle just fine.  You advise them in their relationships and nurse them when it fails.  You hear them tell you "I wish he was more like you..." and you chuckle because you remember that at one time...it WAS you.  You love them still.  They love you still but nothing ever comes of it because of fear.  Fear that they will not see you the same anymore.  Fear that you may be too much to handle.  Fear that they may not be able to live up to the greatness you see in them.  Fear that you will lose the image of them that you have when all the while, you have learned them from their perfection all the way through to their imperfection and have not moved your love away an inch.  Even the fear that they may not be able to live up to the sexual prowess they professed in speech as though you expect what is said to manifest itself right away when you know that sexual communication is a learning process worth taking your time with...savoring every damn class.

In truth this universal "you" I am speaking of...is me.  This has happened to me four times in my life.  Each one different, beautiful and unique.  Yet each having the same history of disappointment with differing levels of gravity.  Folks, good men are so rare these days that when one is actually presented, he is scrutinized to the point of  rendering the conclusion "he just can't be real".  A phrase affixed to him like a mark of incredulity.  Of the four I have experienced, three have waited years for me to change and still I have not.  Waiting for the supposed "true colors" to materialize.  Where all of a sudden, the hidden evils of me are presented.  They're still waiting and I don't blame them but I also know their boat came and went several times.  Will it ever again?  I honestly don't think so as I am at the point where I want for nothing anymore and anything we may ever engage in again will be a momentary exercise.  Meaningful, valued and extraordinary yes...but momentary.  You might be asking yourself "What sets them apart from all the others?"  Well, I saw in them the potential for my complete surrender.  Something I have only done twice in my life.  Who knows?  Maybe that's what they feared..and so it goes.  I guess I have accepted this is the way things are.  Now, am I crying myself to sleep at night because of it?  The real question is why I should I?  If this is the price to pay for being a good man in this fucked up world then I'll bear the pain and pay it proudly.  I won't lessen my love or curb it in the slightest.  I will live and love with as much ferocity as my heart can stand.  I will not change.  As I said in my last post, this last one was the hardest and I'm still trying to figure out why it weighs so heavy on me as I still feel her pace...I still feel the beat of her heart.  I know in time, it will come to me and all will be as it should.  It's OK...what will be will be...trust it...

~Moses

This One...

I have oftentimes glamorized loss because of the pain's ability to shed true light on what these people meant to us.  An uncalled for slap across the face was enough to understand that it was time, at least for now...to back away.  Never an easy thing but this one was truly hard on me.  I find some solace in being able to vomit that tired old cliche "I guess it's all for the best".  She will find someone that is better suited to her needs. That won't have my issues or circumstances.  Someone she will not be afraid of getting close to.  Someone that can touch her.  In time, she'll come to forget me or maybe even come to hate me but as far as I'm concerned...I have no regrets...

I will endure...just limping for awhile is all.  I am blessed to have known her for as long as I did and yes...to have loved her for as long as I did.  So I pray God bless her with the best in all things great and small.  Who is she?  She was my "pretty" and that's all you need to know. 

Sadder than one can comprehend but as in all things...it'll pass.

~Moses  

The Seed - A Poem by Moe

enchanted king for queens

has all but come undone

with all the love he brings

rehearsed up to the son

to fashion lace and thread

creating something more

a meat replacing bread

a deeper place to bore

what more is there to light

through irises so fine

to stare would cost him sight

such thresholds are divine

in part his eyes do see

as only humans can

what's left is up to Thee

to speak into his plan

for all he wants is pure

at most to understand

the cage he deemed a lure

reveals an open hand

instinctive is it's grace

for more than just a need

with fashioned thread and lace

now more than just a seed...

~Moses

Sir John And Little Timmy...

"it was a very good year..."

For two nights Sir John sought refuge among old friends and new.  Restless was his mood from obligations pulling at him in every direction as what was foreseen was beginning to take shape.  He simply looked for an old face who unbeknownst to him was having guests over for no reason at all.

The first night was old and new to him.  Walking out of his home in the most casual attire possible was just happenstance since he had no idea what he was in for.  As he walked inside, his friend greeted him and whispered in his ear that he had guests over and if he wanted, he could come back later.  Sir John didn't care, he just wanted a place to go.  However when he walked in, he saw people he knew and a younger crowd he did not know.  He greeted those he knew and headed straight for the open bar.  He found his grapefruit juice and had at it.  Sitting there alone, he was greeted by three young ladies.  Two at once and the third a bit after that.  The first two were quite obvious in their interest as he sat entertained by their lack of couth and grace.  Pawing at him as though he were a showpiece.  After some time, he graciously accepted their numbers as the third one came up to him.  He knew this one and they spoke for some time about some serious issues she was having but of course, as with the last two...she also left her number.  After he had been spent, he told his friend he was leaving and as soon as he stepped outside, he tossed the numbers of these three beautiful women in the nearest trash can.  He walked home wondering laughing at himself.  Wondering why he wasn't interested.  Wondering if something was wrong with his interest meter.

The next night was supposed to be a quiet night at his friend's house so he took another trip and just as before, he was met with the same conditions.  Luckily the same women were not there but a young man approached him instead.  This young man had seen what had happened the night before.  He introduced himself as "Timmy".  Timmy was an obviously younger man with no seasoning at all.  He seemed to have ventured as far as his borough in terms of understanding.  After some small talk, it became clear that Timmy was more interested in showcasing what he could "do" in terms of women than having a real conversation.  Almost as if he had seen what happened the night before and thought himself the better "player".  He began to equate himself with Sir John when it came to female appeal and out came the photos.  Photo after photo, he displayed the pictures sent to him by the girls he had slept with.  Photos that no gentleman would dare show in a public setting.  Especially of those he claimed to have shared intimacy with.  He tried to name them all but couldn't and almost prided himself in this fact.  Sir John, unimpressed simply "hemmed and hawed" at the dirty pictures of these children he was being shown.  Timmy then asked him "You must have a bunch of pictures?!?"  Sir John was a man of discretion and never sought to brag since he saw the women he had been intimate with as a blessing but he could not pass up on the lesson he could teach this young man.  This young man thought it appropriate to have a meal at one home, sex at another and find solace in as yet another.  As though he could build the perfect woman out of many.  Not even caring that each one had many more unexplored qualities.  That each one may have been able to sustain him if he had only took the time to look a little bit deeper.

So out came Sir John's phone.  He found decent pictures of the women he had loved and began by detailing the accomplishments of each.  Their favorite color, their favorite foods, their established professions and their aspirations for purpose.  With each photo Timmy felt just a little bit smaller as these women were stunning to him.  All had class and style.  Even the rough ones were of unmatched unique quality.  All were real human beings capable of sustaining themselves and some...even had their own children.  Some wanted companionship, some wanted intimacy, some wanted physical climax but each had their own unique quality worthy of the best they could possibly have.  At the end of his lesson, he leaned in and spoke to Timmy..."Don't ever be impressed that I had these women because looks and numbers mean nothing...what matters most is that these great women saw and still see something in me that I still, for the life of me...can't figure out".  As he said that, he felt his eyes water just a bit.  Feeling a bit overwhelmed, he said his good-byes and went on home.  What was a lesson for Timmy, raised yet again the question Sir John chose to ignore because he simply could not answer it.  What was it about him?  Introspective to a fault, he knew his virtues outweighed his vices but what blessing and grace to have seen love freely given by greatness.  To see it still.  To experience it in every different form imaginable and still be able to find something new.  He lacked no confidence and remained self-assured yet no matter how many times what is seen in him is numbered off by words...he still cannot accept himself as deserving of all he has had.  I guess he'll just have to forget the question all over again...or maybe, just maybe, finally learn the lesson his as yet self-imposed lonely heart needs to learn.  Or not...hope abides...

~Moses Apollo Apolinaris

The Fisherman - An Allegory by Moe

"Well it's not far down to paradise...at least it's not for me..."

He sails to deep waters where most are afraid to go in a boat so beautiful it can be seen for miles offshore.  He has no net to cast and no one to buy his fish.  Yet he sets sail for other reasons...

He sails to watch the sunrise in the morning to remind him that every day is new.  He sails to be able to see the Glory of God at sunset knowing that no matter what happened in the day, there is peace at it's end.  At night, he marks the stars in the clearing of the skies to see how they have changed into something more wonderful than he could have ever calculated himself.  He sails to mark the meaning of life itself in the beauty of it's light and the in the fear of it's darkness...

Yet still the question remains:  Why a fishing boat without the intention to catch fish?  In the world he lives, every man is given a fishing boat with the intention to catch fish yet every man is free to choose what he does with it.  He casts no nets yet some fish are still drawn to the boat itself by it's beauty and others swim by occasionally to hear him play his songs.  In deep waters, there are sea creatures of every kind imaginable.  Some can blind you with their beauty and some can repel you by their ugliness.  His decision on which fish to tend to is based on intent itself.  He tends to the ones that come to hear him because they are drawn to more than what they see.  Very seldom though, he will also tend to them that are drawn by the beauty of the boat when he sees that they now see more as well.  Due to this, he tends to very few...

For a time, he thought to sail the rest of his life.  That a Fisherman's life was by design "free".  That is until he came to the deeper understanding that just because he had the title of "fisherman", did not mean he had to live by it's intended meaning.  That to really be free he would allow himself the choice to sail or not to sail.  So he built a home on land and in it, he placed a beautiful pond.  That if he should ever find a fish worth housing...he would have a place for it.  For now, you can still find him out at sea.  Still...the Fisherman...


~Moses Apollo     

Sum Of Our Experience...

Preface: Had a talk with an old friend tonight that asked me about an issue she was having.  I suppose my answer to her is worth sharing here as well...

Sum Of Our Experience (With Eyes Wide Open):

We hear this alot and think and we know exactly what it means.  We look back on our successes and count them as though these alone make us who we are. The hard truth is that it is our response to failure that brings out the caliber of person we were created to become.  The flavor of success is best tasted only after you've been able to savor the bitterness of failure.  When we find the lesson in the loss and the purpose in the pain is when we are able to change direction towards the betterment of ourselves and fear is the only thing that can keep us stagnant.  The fear of experience and the fear of coming to the needed conclusion we might not want to accept.  My people, it is jarring to find that our wants and needs are not the same and that there will be certain times when we will need to forgo one for the other.  It can be disappointing when we find that life has changed us to the point where the clothes we were hoping to wear again one day will no longer fit us the same.  Then sometimes we are faced with the scariest prospect of all...that we no longer want what we used to.  That we need something more than what we've been accustomed to for fulfillment in one area or another.  Folks, what makes such a thing so frightening is the idea that we will have to experience a world unknown to us to find it.  Some may shrink from the challenge while others will face it to flourish.

In my time on earth I found there are many ways to teach a thing but no lesson given will ever change a life as much as experience can.  She has been my friend and teacher so I will only tell you what I know of her: Experience points the way to growth, experience makes the lines we should draw in the sand visible and it is experience that lets us see which roads will allow us to thrive and which roads will bring us to destruction.  Just make sure she is faced wide eyed, with courage and the willingness to accept her hard advice and you will find her friendship just as valuable as I do.  Breathe, live, watch, learn and grow...much love.  I'm out

~Moses Apollo Apolinaris 

Mine - A Poem by Moe

In every cloud I see a face

Enchanted by all love's embrace

The air is thick with breathless sighs

And blinded wane those misty eyes

So hands extend to feel their way

Through bleeding words with much to say

To speak revealing love as truth

Beyond what's known within our youth

The kind that gives till all is spent

And claimed at risk with nothing lent

May love as truth remain devine

And let me claim one face as mine...

~Moses Apollo