Dark elegant room. At it's center, a large black marble table with a lit chandelier above it making sure it was the only piece of furniture visible in the room. One by one, men begin to enter. Each taking their place at this table. Some dressed in casual attire. Others dressed in three piece suits. All carried briefcases except for one. With every chair taken...the doors close. They now wait in silence...
One hour passes. The men begin to fidget and become anxious. Some stand, some pace, some engage each other in whispered conversation...only one sits still.
The red light above the door signals the coming of their host. A hush of silence hits the room as they silently scurry to sit as though they had been sitting still the whole time. The host enters but stays clear of the light. As yet unseen, overhead speakers carry the hosts voice as the question is posed to them:
"What makes you worthy to sit at my table?"
One by one the briefcases are opened and each man places on the table their answer to the question asked: Car keys, house keys, resumes, degrees, trophies, pictures of physical attributes and certifications of every kind. All did this...except for one.
The one that sat still kept his keys in his pocket. His pictures and his licenses all remained in his wallet. He instead decided to place on the table an empty cup and a lined sheet of paper with nothing written on it. At it's side, a neatly sharpened number 2 pencil. The men arrogantly scoffed at his display as he stoically sat in confident silence.
"Don't want you to get hurt...can't help but I'm a flirt..."
92 degrees and I paid my fees early on in the game. I was never the same after that tip dip and slip shit. One hit, two hit, three...never really was about me. This fucked up heat just reminds me to eat when I need to but today, I need to be freed to by more than just blood flow and a moist tip. I need a trip into the truth her. Enhancing the youth of her through an experienced unmatched as yet unhatched by fuckboys, toys and lip-serviced noise. Nah, I'm way out on the fringe with a pull to binge just the same to know I came without a drug to blame. It's just pure impassioned want fashioned by the heat of the day callin and crawlin at me. All the while I'm name callin and forestallin for somethin better. For somethin wetter...for more...
Recycle my ethereal...placed and replaced. Graced to nurse my health from a steady wealth of diction contradiction. Quenching my addiction for loss and gain. A fleeting pain I train to maintain my lust for more and all I adore. To have and to hold. Dying old to live again. To choose the same without the confines of game. To show up and sew up. All to be left wanting...flaunting my nothing. To freely give is how I choose to live upon a stage without the cage of an audience. My knees they fold to fill what's been told about life's existence. Driving my insistence that there has to be more. More to love, more to life, more to give and more to live...
How many times have you come across a beautiful suit for sale in a storefront window. It looks perfect on the mannequin and you naturally assume it would be perfect on you. You don't hesitate because the price is right. You give the salesperson your measurements and you take it home. You try it on and it looks ok but within two weeks and two wearings, it's already looking ragged. What happened? The suit was beautiful but the fabric and stitching was cheap. Then again, what did you expect for $89.99? You were a victim of false advertising and so it is with humans that outwardly Peacock what they don't inwardly possess...
What do I mean? I'm talking about those types that say whatever they think any "interest" around them wants to hear. It's like carrying around a fully laminated resume ready to pull out when opportunity strikes. I love reading posts on Facebook from beautiful women when they ask "What would a date with you look like?" What is then posted becomes one clique after another. I almost expect theme music at the reading of some of them. You no doubt get "roses", "champagne" and let's not forget the famous "walk on the beach". After all is written and the unassuming women have swooned into their male posters' fragile egos, I purposely decide to write the obvious. "I can't tell you what I will do until I know who we are talking about because one size does not fit all!!!" To which I am met with yawns and light praise which incidentally makes me chuckle. No one bothers to ask if she's allergic to flowers or maybe she prefers a specific flower to the ordinary fare. What if she doesn't drink? In such a case, wouldn't it be better suited to her if you purchased a non-alcoholic brand? As for the beach? What if it's December in New York? You still gonna take her? I'm sure you'll be able to feel the skin of her palm through them thick ass gloves...how romantic.
Listen folks, I find amusement in this not at the expense of those that do this stuff but at the expense of formulas that have nothing to do with what makes anything special. Especially since everybody does the same thing. It takes no thought to copy the cinematic ideal of romance but it takes time and real effort to get to know someone intimately enough to make a moment special specific to them alone. If you listen closely enough you can find something that will make them remember that 30 second moment you created for as long as they are alive. All I'm saying is that in many ways, we've traded meaning for flair and like all flair...it shoots up, pops into pretty colors and is quickly forgotten. I'd rather be the subject of memory than the suit I wore or the flowers I carried.
So I take a different tact. I just show up with an empty bag. A figurative bag with nothing in it. If you focus and judge me by it, I know you ain't interested in me. If you want to know me even though I carry it? Then we can talk. I am confident enough in who I am inside that they cannot help but take notice. Understand that if you have something worth anything inside, what you will carry is an unavoidable presence. Once that is noticed, a genuine curiosity produces "get to know me" sessions that can make for real moments. You'll learn each other and eventually come to a place of comfort at which point you can Peacock all you like, except now, you're carrying her favorite flower and ordering her favorite meal. So yeah, try something new...be yourself. Let that be enough...I'm out
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love...and be loved in return..."
Jack was as a young poet. A boy with a pure heart that wandered the country side in search of his one true love. He came across a beautiful young maiden that drew his attention by her ocean blue eyes and golden hair. She had a soft demeanor replete with all manner of tenderness to her. Needless to say, he fell in love quickly with this beautiful angel. He did everything for her. Going out of his way in every sense to accommodate her needs and he was more than happy to do so. At times when he couldn't fulfill a request, she would cry and this would move him to do even more than he had because he could not stand to see her in pain. After some time, he began to hear whispers about her and others that he would simply brush off. He even began to hear about her ability to manipulate by easily turning on tears but he would not believe it. His love for her for was unbending, it had blinded him to any suspicion. One day, he was in an adjacent room when he overheard her arguing with her father. As was her way, she began to cry and as he was about to enter the room to comfort her, her father left and the tears all of a sudden stopped. She didn't know that Jack had seen it and as for Jack...he was crushed to his very soul. He began to search out the whispers and found them all true. With every new truth uncovered, this uncompromising love began to die within him. Not just for her...but for love itself. By the time he came to say goodbye, Jack had become cynical to all the loves that came after. This young man filled with passion for hope had now become a man that hoped to find passion again but was only met by those with the same cynicism he was doing his best to rid himself of...
Jill was a beautiful young maiden. Filled with a well of love, hope, dreams and aspirations. Beautiful in every way. With a smile that could melt the hardest heart. One day as she was working at the marketplace, a handsome young man approached her and she became enamored by his charm and wit. He would visit her daily and soon she would fall in love with him. She knew little about him, but she believed in the purity of love. She believed that he loved her and that was all that was needed. He promised her the world and soon, they would move into his home up in the hills. He told her they would soon be married after he had gotten all his affairs in order and the first few months, she could only describe as "heaven". As time went on, still unmarried, his demeanor went from charming to forceful. He would at times purposefully make her feel ugly when other men would look at her and as for her dreams of going on to university, he would cry to her saying that she didn't love him if she went away. All so he could keep her in his home. He would even give her more duties to perform so she had very little time for socializing and after awhile, the only soul she would ever see was him. She lost all interest in taking care of herself and all dreams she had were soon lost in him as well. She didn't mind it of course. After all...she loved him. One day, she decided to finish her duties early and go off to the marketplace to see some friends and what she found crushed her to her very soul. She saw him in an embrace with another young maiden she had been friends with in times past and she ran home crying. When he had arrived, she confronted him about what she saw and he became enraged beating her into submission. With every blow he threw, her love felt every hit. Dying...with every strike to her frail form. Not just for him...but for love itself. She left the next day and every new love that came after...was met with suspicion. This young woman filled with passion for hope had now become a woman that hoped to find passion again but was only met by those with the same suspicion she was doing her best to rid herself of...
and thus began the extinction of "true love"
Oh my beautiful friends...at one time or another, in one form or another, every one of us has been a "Jack" or a "Jill". Wounded animals are we that dared to love as it was meant to be in a callous world. We carry those wounds into other relationships. Our instinctive defense mechanisms kick in, inadvertently wounding others so that the cycle continues until love exists as it does today. A cheap imitation of itself. Just another Checkers match for supremacy so that we will never be wounded again. Causing "love" to become nothing but a curse word. An emotion that needs changing or tweaking. Redefined as less than itself simply so that we can keep having companionship without risking a thing. How do we end this? How do we give "true love" it's worthy breath again? I can only offer my opinion from my experience and I will tell you that the first thing that needs to happen is a little something called "healing". Allow your wounds to heal before you enter into anything else. Let those wounds become worthy scars. Find your lesson in each scar and learn where you went wrong. Study your choices. Study yourself until every scar carries a lesson. Forgive those that did you wrong without making excuses for them because making excuses for them will only carry you back to the same garbage you just left. Back to them or the same garbage found in others. In time, your scars will reveal to you that love had nothing to do with their lack of character and that at least now, you have a roadmap to what you will accept and what you will not. All without pain, fear or bitterness, each new soul will be judged on it's own merit based on all the understanding your scars have afforded you. Soon, true love will not be a thing to be feared...but something you will pine for in the realms of possibility. Heal up, choose right, love strong and in the end...you will break your cycle.
As for me? I proudly carry many scars with me. Some wounds I can say have not fully healed but they are healing even at this writing. With every brutal look I take through inspection and introspection. With every consequential thought I entertain I make myself better. I forgive all that have done me wrong but because I have learned from their wrong, I also know I can only go so far with them and they know this because the boundaries are made plain by me. As for love? I only know it as true love. I don't fear it or any pain that may come while I'm in the throws of it. Every second I have with it affords me an unparalleled freedom to exist for lasting purpose. It is pure and wonderful and beautifully fleeting at times but it is just as powerful today as it ever was. It abides in the pure at heart and in those that have been able to carry scars without the bitterness of pain. It even abides in those that fear it because at least they give it due diligence enough to respect it's power. So, even as endangered as it is, I will always welcome it. As a poet and a lover of passion...I have no choice ;-)
Understand that all things matter. All things carry some form of relevance to someone in this world. What isn't important to you may mean the world to someone else. Now that you know this, also understand that you can never change who you are to please everyone. If that were the case, you would need to lock yourself in a room lest anyone be offended at the way you look and you would need to put tape around your mouth lest you offend someone with your speech. In essence, you would lose who you are completely and that is never an option.
Take care what you do and what you say to them that matter most to you. Change for noone but let them know that you understand them by being conscientious in the areas that affect them most. Hopefully, they can do the same for you but don't wait for it as usually such things tend to be one sided. Be the best of who you are...live always knowing you made the best decision you could at the time. Change perspective if you need to staying true to all that you are. Do right anyway. Be right anyway. Care anyway. Love anyway.
"Sometimes I flow staccato, strip you of vibrato. While you be acting macho, I try and switch it up. I see the games you play and the traps you lay. Not fit to fall in but I let you play them anyway..."
In my youth I was a skirt chaser. I was a young man and I didn't know who I was yet so that's fine...it was expected. As I got older, I started to notice it was all too easy surmising that there must be something about me they wanted...fine. When I married, I thought I was in a "safe zone" but found out that even then I had to take care how I spoke and carried myself lest I give anyone the false assumption that I was available. I learned rather quickly that the ring was not a safeguard against come-ons and traps so as yet still...it was up to me to make it clear. By the time I divorced, I knew all I needed to know as a married man but knew nothing about being single so I took my time to learn.
Still, for whatever reason (take your pick) in demand, I found it all too easy. Even easier than when I was a youth skirt chasing. I found the aggressive woman wanted something surface, the coy woman wanted to control anyone in demand for the sake of pride and the demure woman wanted to be seen as such to fool the unknowing into believing they were the type most longed for. The type that are feared and wanted the most by men. What type am I speaking of?
The woman that seeks for nothing but her own growth. This woman doesn't care about praying for, looking for or finding a "man" and as such, is the most frightening and alluring of them all. I watched as men had no words to capture her attention with. No lines or games to play. There was no entry point to her and what's more? She knew it and didn't care. She knew something that I came to understand by watching her and others like her. In the so-called dating game, most swim the ocean looking for fish. Some put out bait and wait for bites but there are the very few that don't fish at all because they know that are the catch for not just any fish, but quality fish. She knew that if she put out her bait, every fish would bite. She also knew that to take that swim would be too dangerous for her safety as every single man would pull her down. So she went about the business of self-improvement and steered clear of every play in the book. Turns out that only men of character saw beyond her looks to her worth and when they did, she knew it. They were few are far between but when you know what you're worth, you only allow the best access to you.
So impressed by this, I wound up taking the same tact. Understand that every time you put yourself "out there" way too much you open yourself up to use and abuse. Men and women will see the needy as an opportunity to take even if they have to pretend to give for a bit. Especially if you are attractive. Now I'm not saying which way is right and which way is wrong. I also understand the need for companionship. I just find it more prudent to concern oneself with self-improvement and let those that are truly interested start the courting process with the proper respect and motivation required. Just yesterday I'm walking the street and some woman asks if she can "touch me" like this is gonna get her somewhere. No, not happening. When they are right, they will do right. Sometimes you will meet a like minded individual and you guys will just click on deeper levels. Sometimes you will be interested in someone and make a subtle move to see if any interest is there. If so, they will then take the lead and you can watch how they approach you. You can gauge their motivation and make your decision on your own terms. Given your worth, you will take care not to come on too strong but see how everything feels slowly. Ask yourself these questions: Is this person at your level? Will they be an asset or an impediment to your growth? Will this person be conscientious of your issues? Add any other details you may require and I'm not talking about cars and money. There is a reason why it will seem as though I reveal much about my finances but I take painstaking care never to disclose everything. I had an incident where I gave a potential mate money for something and they automatically assumed I was wealthy. So much so that they blurted it out in conversation. After that I made like I was broke most of the time and her demeanor changed...lesson learned.
Always remember that if fishing is easy for you then chances are very good that you're gonna pick up some empty cans and rotted fish along the way. Sifting through all that garbage will take up way too much of your precious time. Concentrate on improving yourself and let them come to you. This way, you will always be able to weed out the quality from the shit. Now if you think calling someone shit is extreme you need to either get out more or open your eyes a bit more. If all they want to do is lure you into a false sense of security to be able to use you as a fuckdoll? Yeah, I'd call that trash...I'm out
Oh and for the record? My game is called "no game". I've met the most beautiful souls that way...including the pretty. So yeah, I stopped fishing years ago...
"Hello, good morning, how ya do?. What makes your rising sun so new? I could use a fresh beginning too. All of my regrets are nothing new..."
Uh oh, here he goes again!!! He learned something new about himself...again. Call CNN. Now if you just thought that, this isn't the place for you. You can go to TMZ.com for all the latest news on Beyonce or Jennifer Lopez. I began this site to cope with the loss of a relationship out in the open so that others that were going through the same thing would know they are not alone in their pain and confusion. Now I peel back the layers of the onion that is me in every aspect and I tell you the truth of all I see ad nauseum so maybe you can have the balls to do it for yourself. This life is a journey and we are all journeymen along the way. Some want to sleep through the ride and never learn a thing and others like myself never get any sleep, examining the beauty and the ugliness of it all. The only difference is that I put this process out in the open. Some may think it too much but the truth is, this is exactly how the mind works. If you were to watch the movie of your moods, emotions and thoughts for just five minutes, there would never be enough pages to put it all down. With me, you get the condensed version. So my dear children strap yourselves in for this one...oh boy...
As many of you know, I hate "contracts" when it comes to relationships but something struck me as I was trying to figure out what makes a lover more apt to engender monogamous feelings in a man like myself that values his freedom. What kind of woman can cause him to settle and is he actually settling if he does? I wrestled with this thought since meeting someone that actually did this in me and as we humans do, I misread what I was feeling. I actually thought that I was reverting to monogamy mode and the reality was way more nuanced than that to say the least.
I often speak about the pendulum swing we go through. Flowing to each extreme to find our balance in the middle. In marriage, I was a stern monogamist. After my divorce, I became the "no contracts" man that placed freedom above all else. Two extremes met and lived yet neither finding perfect comfort in me. These past two years have provided me an insight to my confusion but I never took the time to look as it had not become a question that needed an answer. I am a free man without question but due to my living arrangements I have opted to live as a bound man for the sake of duty and respect. Sometimes this bothered me but what exactly bothered me the most? It was the notion that because I am free, I am expected to roam freely. An expectation that created this "rule" just as the expectation in marriage that is re-enforced by the vow creates the rule of monogamy. If you really look at it, it is the same thing on two different spectrums. So then what is my metric for true freedom? Choice... That my ability to choose never be impeded by vows or the expectation of promiscuity so that my choice, when made correctly, is one that carries more weight while remaining light.
Being married for 17 years led me to understand a few things and the one thing that recently came to light was this: A vow is heavy, as love is light...
A vow to a man like me can and will supersede all else. Feelings be damned, duty and honor are paramount. I am a man that believes a vow can never be broken unless released to do so and if you are married, you have vows that you must keep without question unless both agree to the release. This requires a mind of duty and honor. If that is your choice, then go all in or not at all. My only problem was always one where I had to come back to reaffirm myself of love because at times I felt I was doing more out of duty than love.
Now here is where all this gets interesting for me in terms of application. Why then would I even consider monogamy? Simple...out of respect for the woman I love. Respect, a virtue born out of character that is strengthened by love. Keep in mind that all virtue is at it's strongest when it is free to choose against itself but doesn't. It is an amazing thing. I can choose another but out of respect for the woman she is and the love she has for me, my love for her tells me she is the only one I need in the moment. A moment that turns into days and days that turn into months and so forth. I now understand couples that have stayed unmarried for years that came to cheat only after they decided to marry. After hearing their interviews, we come to find out they cheated because they felt trapped by the vow and needed some proof of freedom but while they were free to choose to be together simply because they wanted to, they saw nothing in anyone else.
The answer is choice. I can say I hate contracts all I want but that doesn't mean that I am obligated to sleep with every woman that looks my way. That yes, I can be with one woman if I find her right for me. That my road is in fact as wide open as I said. That I truly have no rules but that which my heart and conscience provide for me in the moment. I am no longer bound to either extreme because I value my freedom to choose wherever my heart should go and to be sure, this will never be enough for some. They will want the vows, the contracts and the chains for life. Things that today no longer carry the same value in the zeitgeist as they once did. All I can say is that you can't please everybody and that was never my goal nor shall it ever be. I just know that because of a beautiful experience with a beautiful soul I found an ease with, I was able to accept a truth about myself I had not seen until now. I am freer tonight than I ever was. So give me life and love without expectation...let me breathe it in...
Never stop learning about yourself. It's the only way you grow...I'm out
Imagine you have a friend that you are very close to and that friend tells you to meet her on Saturday night at a bar she frequents. She gives you the address, you show up and she's not there. You try to call and no one picks up. You then look for your friend on Facebook and you find a picture posted of her and someone else havin a good ole time. Your blood begins to boil because not only did she stand you up, but decided to meet up with someone else instead...or did she?
Now let's take a look to see what your friend is up to shall we?
Your friend is sitting at a bar alone. A bar incidentally that had the same address except for two numbers. She is sitting there waiting for you messing with her Facebook. She can't receive calls because all they have in there is wifi but no phone reception. What did she do on Facebook? She decided that given a conversation she had earlier with someone, that she would post an old pic of both of them together. After waiting a while, she goes two blocks up to call you and you're so angry that you decide not to pick up. She goes back to the bar and sits there waiting for two hours before she decides to go home.
You stay up all night fuming over what just happened and by the next day you are almost over your friendship with her. Right about now, your internals are saying goodbye to the friendship you guys had. When she finally gets through to you she is wondering what she did wrong and you are amazed that she would even ask. You think "the gall of this woman to play like she did nothing wrong" so your misplaced hostility towards her is now being reciprocated by her towards you. All without anyone actually knowing what went down.
After a few days, you decide that it's time to have one last talk that turns into another argument but it is then that you find out the truth. You were accidentally given the wrong address because her handwriting was so shitty and you never bothered to double-check to make sure it was correct. You now both realize that what you thought might have been justified...if it actually happened the way you thought. Except...it didn't.
Now you are left with a door closing inside that you know should not close due to a misunderstanding so you fling it open against the will of the bitter feelings that may have taken hold. You know the bitterness has no reason to exist nor is the internal goodbye justified. You also know that feelings that exist without merit can be easily discarded. So what do you do? You let it go...
Here's the lesson I came away with. Some of us have preconceived notions of people based on our past situations and we are too quick to assign malice where none took place. It is our defense mechanism against being taken for a fool. Men do it to women and women do it to men. Especially people like myself that have been hurt in the past and I can tell you it is not fair to the woman I am assigning malice to nor is it cool the other way around. We have these defenses up for a reason so I choose never to trust so blindly but a change needs to be forthcoming. My best option for improvement would be that I should never be so quick to assign malice without hearing someone out first. That will always be on me. What's on anyone else is not for me to say nor is how they choose to handle it. Is such a thing salvageable? I guess it all depends on two things: The level of maturity and understanding in the two involved and whether or not they want it salvaged in the first place.
I myself have chosen to let it go because I need real reasons to be mad at somebody so yeah...moving forward. For me and mine...I'm out
When one seeks experience, they usually don't know where to look...but I am ever thankful that I do. Irrespective of whether or not your shoot opened in time leaving you with a broken leg, those 5 minutes in sky will always be worth the 6 months in a cast.
You got to see what most will never see. To feel what most will never feel. This is what it's like even when romance crashes harshly. It doesn't matter to you that you were led on, cheated on or left with what appears to be nothing. When you look for experience, you will always be left with something to remember fondly. The look in her eyes of real comfort you were able to produce. The words you inspired her to write. Those long distant kisses goodnight and the afternoon elations when reading your petname behind quotations marks. The laughter in the silly and those sweet moments you felt her presence at great distances. Even though these things may not have been real for her, they were real for you and no amount of disillusionment can ever take that away.
When you look for experience, you seek it places no one dares to look...inside. That is a place that this age is uninterested in going but that my friends, is the only place you will find the truth and beauty needed for passion to flourish. If you saw gold then that is what you saw. That gold decided to put on a different color makes no difference to you. That's not your issue, it's theirs to contend with. To you, gold will always be gold. Keep that at heart and remember that although people may fail...love never does.
As for me, I am thankful for everything in my life. I am that proud fool for love without suffering foolishness and that is why my arms remain wide open for the next adventure into experience...I'm out
"You do not truly know someone...until you fight them..."
A truism most will miss if you allow your mind to go blank in the fight itself. All you have to do is hit the record button in your mind. Play back the video and watch the person doing most of the shouting reveal themselves with every syllable.
I could talk about several tactics employed but the one that amuses me the most these days is the "degree fighter". Especially the tactic employed by the pseudo-science types. One in particular that really made me laugh was a Global Warming sycophant. The argument had nothing to do with the topic but he managed to segway into it to flex his 21 inch chest. These are folks that are afforded the blessing of going to college even though the people they deal with mainly do not. These types are used to winning by default because even when they are talking gibberish, their opponent gets intimated by their supposed intellect. I chuckle under my breath when this tactic is employed on me because I see the condescension that oozes with every textbook laced word. It is one of the most disrespectful things anyone can try to do to someone like me. I remember when I dealt with professors and they tried to do that shit. They couldn't handle that I remained unimpressed. They were used to their opponents just saying "wow, you are so right!!" but here was one that understood what they were saying and not just that...knew what they were trying to do. Instead of speaking plain, they seek the upper hand. Speaking to you as if you were a client or a stupid unworthy peasant to even question them. That is not the mark of someone seeking resolution, it is the mark of someone seeking to win at all costs no matter what the outcome. What does this reveal about them? It reveals an insecurity on the topic being discussed or their own inability to handle their opponents' logic. If you cannot win on the merits of your argument...say anything intellectual to intimidate them into submission. Oh but I can hear it now "you just can't handle strength..." I can handle strength when it's real strength just fine. That ain't nothin but a tantrum induced, schoolbook throwin tact unworthy of my energy. Seeing as much as I have and doing as much as I've done, there are just some things I have no problem walking away from and unmerited hubris is one of them. I've always said it...intelligence does not make you conscientious nor does it create a better character. Only accepting that you know absolutely nothing does this because that is the true mark of humility and humility affords one room to grow in earnest.
If I'm gonna argue or fight, it has to be something that seriously needs resolution because time and energy is precious to me. I will take my time and wait for the right moment lest I should say the wrong thing but what do you do when even after you've taken these steps towards resolution, you are still met with "tactic" along side a defensive unbending attitude? You know at that point you are not going to get your resolution and what could have been handled as a discussion clearing the air, now becomes a deal-breaker because your tolerance levels won't accept anyone talking to you like that. How do you come back from seeing all that? Oh it's quite simple...back off and gather some understanding.
I know a woman set in her ways. A woman that struggled all her life to be seen and heard as something more than a conquest. As something more than a woman looking to be kept by a man. A woman that had many courting her because she was in fact, this strong. Beautiful on the outside and a force to be reckoned with on the inside. I am speaking of one of my greatest heroes...my mother. To argue with her you needed ear plugs and a stopwatch as she was loud and unrelenting. Quick to become forceful since she always knew she was right. Straightforward and nasty almost every time without pity at offense. Yet you will notice that as soon as the argument was over, her tone would return to normal and she becomes the sweet person you came to love. You would be offended easy if you did not know how she became this way but that takes an understanding heart. No one could ever understand how I was the only one that could speak to her and when needed, set her straight, but for me it was easy. When someone's back is up against the wall, their primal instincts take over to the point where they can and will say whatever comes to mind for defense. Yet for most, defense must become victory and for some that means annihilation. I understood that my mother's way to win was to humiliate her opponents. To make them feel stupid or at times, wrong. You see she felt this was necessary because there were many times she needed to be strong in the face of all those that would try to belittle her because she was a woman. She became disgusted by weakness. She saw it as a useless chain around someones neck they need not carry. If they chose to play the victim, she would laugh at them, tell them to take off their soiled diapers and get up. So you could imagine that her method of encouragement was that of a drill sergeant. A method that worked on the hard but alienated the soft. If you saw her argue and judged her by that alone, you would think her malicious but she is the type to empty her fridge to make sure you had something to eat. An argument and/or fight can tell you much about a person's life but not so much about a person's character. Character is a constant whereas what you see in combat is where their level of mastery is when it comes to their instinctive nature which is only at play in a fight or flight scenario. You can see how badly they have been hurt and whether or not they have come to find their center in a storm. Are they truly as in control as they say or are the words they speak of themselves at best an affirmation waiting to take hold. I have known many great people with bad tempers but the ones that display this as a constant are the ones that can be counted as those of weak character.
Now, I could choose to take everything my mother is saying at face value or I could do my best to understand that this is the way she needed to speak most of her life. Doing the latter removes her power as all her insults brush off my shoulders. I take none to heart and because I know her soul, I know she never meant those things even though an apology is never forthcoming. Her bullets do not affect me in the slightest. I stay on topic and on point. The louder she gets the calmer I get and when we're done, we continue as though that fight was just another friendly discussion. That my friends, is a by-product of understanding and why we are so close. My ex and I through understanding were able to literally have at least one blow-out a year because we started to consider not our words, our tone or our anger but our intent instead. Yes these are important but never as important as resolution. So in the middle of all things heated we learned how to stop and shake off the stupor that was driving us towards destruction. In a split second of clarity, we would sit down and speak our peace. In the end, we would apologize for all the foolishness said and all we chose to remember was the resolution we came to. This has been my way ever since. Understanding folks...it will always win in the end and if it wins in an argument, it means both saw resolution as more important than claiming pride from a win...I'm out
The poet plays and sings to passions whim. He floats among the ethereal and fills the night sky with whispers of love and surrender. He encourages and consoles. He finds the beauty of the moon to get lost in. He looks into the eyes of his lover and finds eternity. He greets her every morning with a gentle kiss producing a day long smile and he puts her to sleep upon clouds littered in starlight. He pleasures her with tenderness until she has had her fill. He makes love with songs, with words that sing and with a soul that uses the body as an extension of itself. He has and is all you need in the place of a drug...he is a soothing balm to the soul.
The man is unrepentant and brash. Rebellious, honest and clear. He encourages and consoles. A father of two and a lover and friend to women that are true of costly innate value. He uses the bathroom. He brushes his teeth and showers daily. He works his body towards the fulfillment of what he is inside. He does all he can for his family and those he loves at the expense of himself. He will bleed for those he cares about in danger. He fucks his woman dirty when she cries for nasty. He licks her lips and clit till she cums all over his mouth. He scratches and claws leaving marks at times, cumming all over any spot she wants...he is a soothing balm to the flesh.
The poet and the man are one in the same. To want one without the other is impossible as they are interchangeable when the moment requires it. To disqualify one is an insult to both as they have both worked hard from the inside out to be all they are. To become 20 men in one. To be more and add to their nature daily. This makes him difficult to understand. This makes him hard to keep. He cannot be manipulated by the flesh or the mind. Show him a beautiful thigh and offer it up with condition. Most would cut off a piece of flesh for it but him? He will roll over and sleep until the message is clear. He needs nothing but love and sincerity. A man that needs for nothing cannot be strong armed into anyone's will lest he surrender it himself. You either love him or fear him but in either case...you will remember him because he left an imprint not easily removed...
If you value yourself then seek the better for yourself. Not a lesser that is easy for you to stand on. If you should seek where to deposit your currency, seek to do so into spaces that resemble all that you want to be. Guard your currency lest someone come and steal it from you. The poet and the man has seen charity and greed in both the banker and the thief. He has chosen to only deposit his currency into those he believes can add to his own. Recognize your currency and do the same. If all you see as currency is your body than you may as well just hang it up in a meatlocker with a discounted price tag like the slab of beef that it is but if you know you are more than that then your currency can never be bought with chump change. Make sure that it can only be bought with way more than it's own value that you may gain in profit through self growth. With love...I'm out
"I get along without you very well, Of course, I do. Except when soft rains fall and drip from leaves then I recall the thrill of being sheltered in your arms. Of course, I do. But I get along without you very well..."
You're in a relationship with someone you deeply love and they love you just the same. You take it upon yourself to improve physically and begin to receive accolades from many others acknowledging your improvement. Your mate now begins to feel invisible and/or excluded from your newfound appeal so what does your mate decide to do? Your mate decides that because you are receiving so many accolades from others, they will refrain from such compliments lest they become part of a horde of sycophants. Good move huh? Nope...very bad and very dangerous.
People have to understand that people that receive accolades on their looks see it as white noise after a while if they are centered correctly. They know it is nothing more than an admiration seeped in imagination and while the opposite sex is going crazy for them, the only one they want going crazy for them is the one who's opinion matters most...the one they love. The one they love on the other hand is deciding to "play it cool". Once again trying to separate themselves from the horde but all this does is place doubt in the mind of the improving party as to whether or not they are truly wanted anymore. It does nothing to bruise the ego but it can cause a deterioration in the relationship. What their partner sees as "playing it cool" is only interpreted as indifference which in turn causes the questioning of the relationship and that is where the vultures circling get their chance.
People if your man or woman looks good, let em know. If your man or woman is wanted by you, let em know. If your man or woman is loved by you, let em know. Even if they are told by ten thousand voices, no amount of measured voices will ever equal the importance of yours. "Play it cool" long enough and it will eventually cool the relationship. Your partner will begin to instinctively use the same tact because they will feel their want and love for you unreciprocated. That is when it becomes dangerous and that is when they begin to look elsewhere.
Years ago I decided to put this to the test with one of my partners that I had considered exclusivity with. I asked her a question, wanting to her to give me a particular answer to an absurd proposal I had put on the table. Instead of telling me no and saying she would be uncomfortable with it, she thought it best to use a "take it or leave it, I don't care" attitude and demeanor. I knew then that I could not go ahead with my plans for exclusivity because I would never have the sincere attention from the one I loved and that would be trouble for us down the road. I know she was uncomfortable with the proposal and because she wanted to "play it cool", she decided to answer in a manner she thought would suit that tact best. We lost each other on that night...
Folks I know many are afraid to show that want and need for fear of being taken advantage of but in my case as an unabashed romantic, it is a necessity for love to flourish. Too many people have taken to becoming "hard" because they don't want to look weak when it takes real strength to become vulnerable to rejection or betrayal. Being called a fool for love to me is a great compliment. It doesn't mean that you allow yourself to used or treated like a doormat. It only means that you are unafraid of these things when it comes to love. I keep my balance by reserving a part for myself that affords me the preparation to let go if my efforts at being a fool go unnoticed or unappreciated. Find someone that is willing to give it back and if you can't...stay alone. It is a gift to be loved by a fool. If your partner is a fool, the least you can do is make the attempt at becoming one yourself. If it fails, at least you can always say that you loved with abandon and that is worth way more than being able to say "I was never a sucker..."
I have loved at impossible odds. Knowing all the while there would be an end. I have loved the safe and the reckless. Each experience affording me something grand and heartbreaking every time. I was proud to be a fool then and today is no different...your fool...out...
"Hold me dear, don't let go I am only here for the moment..."
Now that I'm back on my blog, I can let loose with some sh*t . My target tonight is simply the man that is willing to listen...
I've been wanting to speak about this subject to men for quite some time but at best have referenced it sparingly throughout this blog. The subject? Why some women have never had an orgasm through intercourse. When I first heard about this I was literally stunned. I felt bad for the woman telling me because she said it as if it was no big deal. She thought it was something normal. In time, I wound up on an unintended mini listening tour on the subject and came to find that it was more common than I had thought. It was a shock to my system because it was then that I found myself to be an oddity. You see when I was married, I thought it prudent to learn news ways to please my wife as this was part of my "becoming" so to speak. I took to learning techniques in coupling that were excellent but nothing was more important than learning how to be a better "listener". I learned not only how to listen to her voice...but her body as well. As time is needed to process information coming from her voice, so time is needed to process information emanating from her skin. Her movements...her breath. Taking the time to find her sweet spots. In time...this became my normal and has been to this day. My shock came when I found out that the sex life of my then-wife and I was NOT normal. I mean sh*t...it was great! I honestly didn't know we were the odd couple. So my question then became...why don't men instinctively know this?
All I had to do was listen to my "boys" just shootin the sh*t. Here, I found my answer. Most men believe that it's enough to be able to perform tricks and last hours in bed. That the sheer mechanics of it should produce an orgasm for their lovers is nothing more than childish "bro science". She might as well stay home and diddle. Save herself some train fare. To listen to them speak was like listening to a farmer buying cattle as these women were not full humans but something to buy, kill and eventually eat. Describing their women as toys to be played with and conquered. Describing how they would appease them with meaningless platitudes to get them to perform. Using the word love as a means to get in just enough to get what they wanted. That's when I understood something that is not as simplistic as many had assumed. The "men are pigs" line is far too surface. No, it was something else entirely. I came to notice that in many ways, they were treating their women the same way they would treat a friendly male competitor. It's as though they were only capable of seeing women as men see themselves when there is in fact a huge difference.
Now here's the deal: I don't care what the PC bullsh*t mindset has to say; men and women are wired differently. Men are motivated by logic, women are inspired by emotion. Men see the mechanics of a car, women feel the engines' purr as it shifts. The beauty of knowing this is that although we can't master each others roles, we can sure learn how to flow in them and do it pretty well. In doing so I came to understand that emotional content was key to assuring a lovers' pleasure was real and meaningful. Now some of you men may think "Ok, then I'll just add that!!!" Hold on there little buckaroos...it's not that simple. Allow me to elaborate...
I'm sure you're thinkin this is just another arrow to be placed in your quiver for conquest but you see in thinkin this, you've already lost. In truth, it isn't an arrow you can "pick up". You have to become the arrow. Meaning, that you have to now use muscles you've only flexed in church or during deep conversations. Where emotional content is a requirement. Men, you have to feel her in earnest and for that, you have to know her. You have to listen to her and create a sincere connection that is exclusive to her alone. You have to see her as a human being, keeping in mind that this human being is gonna process things differently than you are. All this will have you wanting her from the inside out and you will then be able to see her body as an extension of what she is inside...as you've now come to understand it. If this intent is sincere, you will take care to do everything in your power to make sure she is comfortable being herself in your presence. It's that comfort that allows her into the zone where how she looks naked is no longer keeps her from getting lost in ecstasy. Where she has no other concern but to "feel". Where she closes her eyes and trusts the waters of every wave that comes brushin up on different places of her skin. Lost...alone and together. This zone is a place. A place that will allow you to understand that foreplay for women does not begin at the vagina. That it begins with a goodnight kiss. A time to listen. An impromptu sincere compliment or an exacting of appreciation. Little sincerities that flutter the heart enough for it to "open". Things you will only see when you learn how to listen through the prism of emotional content.
Now I know there's the rare woman that will orgasm trippin on a can of soda and there are some women that get off on the animalistic adrenaline f*ck. For me? "There's always room for jello" but not everyone can handle that. Much less come right out the box swingin on lampshades. I know a woman that once told me there was no difference between f*cking and making love. She swore she was not missing out on anything...until somebody that truly loved her showed her different. I have said it many times over...any boy with the right equipment can f*ck. It takes a real man to make love...
So to all you lovers for hours or lovers for a lifetime, what matters most is found in the moments you share. The deeper they are...the longer they last. Always remember that sexual intimacy is no different...much love
You know I wrote a full 5 paragraph piece on something I was talking about today and then it came to me...uh uh. Nah, that's for another time and maybe even another place so for tonight...no bullshit, no reveals...nothing. Just a song and a fleeting thought...why the fuck not?
The times they are a changin but I ain't changin with them. It's so ironic that I will use the phrase "I tend to disappear" even though everyone knows where to find me. Yet the phrase itself gives me an invisibility in their minds so they just accept it. So who is really doing the disappearing? Everyone disappears with the tide and I watch them leave as I usually do. Nothing different except that some really do fuckin hurt more than others. I ain't got no control of that so I just let em go
Try it...tell your friends you're goin "off the grid" and see how many still make the effort in tryin to find you. Most will usually throw up their hands and say "eh, one less to worry about" but some still remember your number is on their contact list. Some still remember you have email. My ex Millie jokes that my "fans" will always reach out but when a "fan" does it, they could give two shits about how Im doin. They just want the answer to another question.
I have everything I need and not enough of what I want. I think someday I'll truly disappear. Might sound melodramatic but why the fuck not? My reasons to exist will always remain but my reasons to be seen and heard are dwindling as it seems no one gives a shit about anything anymore. In a world where poetry is just a means to an end, where wisdom comes in meaningless sound bites meant to create an emotional response in memes and love ain't nothin but a mindfuck to get someone into bed just to get off...I've got no place here. It's been creepin up on me slowly and occasionally slappin me across the face.
Don't mind me if I sound bleak but these are my thoughts on this night...fleeting. Why the fuck not? Yeah so...I'm out...
~Moses Apollo Apolinaris
PS: One last quote from me this night: To break me is impossible. To lose me? That's something else...
