"So what does it mean if I tell you to go fuck yourself
Or if I say that you're beautiful to me
It's affection always..."
Sometimes you're feelin good. Sometimes you're just ok. Tonight I really don't know and I don't give a damn which means I'm just...alright. Ready to accept whatever comes my way as great or good enough. For great will give me something wonderful and good enough will teach me something valuable. Ready to pick it up or set it down. Ready to shoulder a tear or welcome a laugh. Whatever comes, tonight I care not.
I see it all and still choose to walk in pits of fire stoked by the specific. I see it all and walk in fields of roses meant for my ease by life itself. I know how to get here but it takes feeling it all. Something that way too many are afraid to do. The exhaustion of emotion is key in finding mental neutrality.
My uncles funeral is tomorrow night. There will be tears and laughter. Poise in pain and of course...hidden anguish with a little regret mixed in. I know he found his peace but I pray that at least he get to see how many actually loved him among this impromptu reunion held in his honor...
I also found out that a wonderful soul has lost her fight with cancer. I didn't know her that well. I met her on Facebook through our love of poetry. She had asked me if I wanted to do a show featuring spoken word artists. I said no but the fact that she saw something in me is enough to write something about her here. Nicole Miller AKA Noe Stradamus...may you rest in peace...
So what is the truth of my mood? "Cigarettes After Sex" plays my soundtrack tonight and I'm alright...
She is pretty as I am blessed. For "she" has come to find her rest under the light of my moon. She with me, me with she and all we need to be under our own contemplative complex heaven. Miles apart we meet up high for the best of ourselves to burn into...to learn into. Embraced and soulishly laced standing naked in a burning pyre of digital pages written at stages of depth under a moonlit sky revealing and stealing our weight. Fate revealing her core. Opening my door for her to see more. Revealing the true floor of me and eventually...the so much more of me...
What a beautiful and crazy ass ride is this thing called life. The first half of your day is spent listening to angels and the other half is spent telling demons to shut the fuck up. The demons don't bug you that much because they got to you too late. Had they shown up early, they might've had a bigger impact...
My uncle Carlos passed on to be with the Lord and I found out later in the day. At the time of this writing, I'm a bit confused because I honestly don't know how I'm supposed to feel. It's 5:05 AM and I guess I stood up waitin on some epiphany that never came. I mourned his loss when I knew he had decided it was best for him to leave and although I may not agree with his decision not to fight his ailments, I have no choice at this very moment but to accept it. A fool's hope remained so long as he was breathing but now that he's gone, my only hope is that we all see the lesson left by his passing.
When I get to learn...I'll let you know. For now? To the task at hand...
I love this song because of it's clever juxtaposition between the title and the lyrics. "A Day In The Life" is basically saying that on any given day, good will happen and so will bad. Between those two extremes...it's just another day. You're still breathing. You're still alive...and so am I boys and girls...I'm out
Waterman...you'd think him just a guy from Brooklyn. His tastes, eclectic and rare. His home, wherever he laid his soul. Motivated by life and passion itself, he sought out every plain he could find where his thirst would be satiated and for a time at least...he thought he was nearing an end to discovery...
Walking up a New York street just perusing his surroundings, he came across a bookstore that drew his gaze. Not for any other reason but what was on display in the window. A book that was recently published but beautifully weathered and worn. Walking inside, he noticed that most looked at the cover as it was in fact stunning but picking it up, he noticed something else altogether. The edges on every page were painted gold. The scent that emanated from it's coating was that of orchids and a surprising inscription inside written in purple ink that simply read "this is me".
So he apprehensively took the book and sat in the bookstore reading area. While a few bought the book, this was never his way. Waterman knew that in every page he could find levels of depth that would always require a lifetime of consecutive reads. With such rarities, he would take his time at every page. While most waited for conclusions, he waited on every page considering it to be the next level of discovery. The next level of reveal. As though the book itself were allowing him access one beautiful step at a time. Tentatively acknowledging his worth as the reader. If he found something on a page that would cause his eyes to turn away, he would have no problem putting it down as he had done many times before but in this case...he found no such cause. He came to love every level of reveal.
Needless to say, Waterman ventured to that store daily. He would even come early at times. Waiting outside for the bookstore to open so he could sit and relish in its' simplistic depth. Smiling at every turn of page, ever wondering what was next. Frustrated when he had to put it down. Yet such frustration had become tempered by a truth he came to understand years ago. That such priceless works should never be bought or sold as they then become possessions. Possessions that are then kept under lock and key making sure that none else would see their greatness lest they be stolen. The book may have been recently published but in it he found a value surpassing it's gracelessly discounted price tag. He truly believed such things had to be gifted...just as every page had been freely gifted ever since he picked it up.
After his initial reading, he knew that the next level of discovery would be bold but absolutely required. He came to meet the author at a book signing and since then, just as he waited on every page to allow him access for greater discovery...he gladly waits to see what's next as he turns the page with every text message, with every chance they get to meet and with every smile.
A good and stable read is fine for those that have never had it but Waterman found that even in his time of stability, the only thing that lives and breathes daily...is discovery. Something profound that can take minutes...or even a lifetime...
"I am ready, I am ready, I am ready...I am fine..."
What do you tell the terminally ill? The one's that know their time on earth is short. Folks that have been told their disease is greater than their will to live. I've found myself falling short as they leave like a steady faucet drip you just can't shut off. As a strong man of faith I can admit to you here and now that even the greatest men of faith grow weary when they feel they've said "I'll be praying for you" one too many times but those words are comfort to those that may need to hear them for the first time.
In my years I have seen disease take on many forms. Disease of the body that you can seek drug treatment for. Disease of the mind that can be treated with council but it is the disease of the spirit that has always baffled man. I am one that believes this is the province of God to heal while all we can do is serve as symptom blockers giving what we can as needed in the moment. Those whose spirits have been broken since very young. That seek treatment in diversion, dislocation and distress just to be able to feel anything. To be able to say "I'm alive today.." as they dread what tomorrow will bring. When all these treatments are exhausted, self destructive behavior becomes the treatment of the day and if you can't see it, you would just think them foolish. The harsh reality is that they seek death as a welcome friend to end a journey they've come to accept as futile.
I know of one that showed me as a young man what diversion looked like but I never got to see him dislocated or distressed. Those close to him got to see that steady decline. To see him in a hospital bed that he should be fighting to get out of, he has decided to become the bed itself. Deteriorating into skin and bone, waiting for his friend called death. To a man like myself that is supposed to have many answers, this is jarring. To see this fall upon someone you care about is heartbreaking and I know I cannot take the world's problems upon my shoulders but sometimes when you're in the fight, you feel as though you can command the universe.
Tonight I am letting it out. I am allowing myself to feel this helpless feeling and I am leaving it here on this page. I will pray once more. I will ask again that my God give him the strength and will to live. To do all within his will to fight the cancers eating him alive. To get up out of that bed and see that there is more to life that he has missed. A woman that loves him enough to stand by him even now. Two sons that will need him even as they build their own families and a life of unfulfilled purpose as yet unknown to him. That giving up is never an option and that no matter what he has been through or witnessed, tomorrow will always provide an opportunity for better. Ready to live...ready to be just fine.
Taking on my mantle of faith with command of the universe and all, this is all I can do. God can appear to him and tell him all He wants him to do but God Himself can never violate free will so the choice is still his. So in the end my beautiful family and friends, the choice is still and ever shall be...yours.
We can choose to live life or we can choose to die slowly. Look around you and you will always find more than enough reasons to live. If you can't? Start cultivating a life worthy of your existence...pray for my uncle Carlos...
I'm gonna keep it simple. Men, if your women have a concern? Hear her out and resolve it if you can. No matter how small. No matter how insignificant it may seem. If she is giving this thing any brain power, make sure you get to it before imagination does. How many times has it happened to you. You're about to wash clothes and you find a piece of paper with a man's name on it. Instead of asking, you automatically get into CSI mode and start trying to figure out who that is. Never mind the fact that your woman has many pieces of paper with several names on them scattered all over the fuckin place. This one!!! This one has to be special because it's in her jean pocket. The place where all secrets are kept. Instead of asking, you follow every lead, take blood samples, check underwear, black light the entire house, tap her phone and finally get a PI to follow her around. You poor pathetic fool lol All you had to do was ask and if by chance she were fuckin around and you were doing all you needed to? Eventually the truth will come to light and you will be rid of a headache that didn't appreciate you. Fuck it...shit happens. Be sad, lick your wounds and move forward...
Now, imagine your woman under the same circumstances. All she needs is "I saw the way you looked at her" and it's off to the races. Now it may seem as though I'm telling you to listen to every concern for your sake alone but because men are practical by nature I am presenting it this way but your motive should always be because you want to ease her mind. For the most part men will feel angered at such a prospect but women will feel way worse as they tie emotion into everything. If you love her, take every concern and do your best to give her the reassurances she needs. Just make sure you actually give a shit and if you can't resolve it because it doesn't have anything to do with you then do your best to help if you can. If you find that you can't then patiently wait it out. She may have insecurities...deal with it. She may have a bleak past....deal with it. She may be going through something that has nothing to do with you but you are feeling its effects...deal with it. Just be a man...and deal with it. You knew all this goin in so why should it bother you now? Love's instinct is to truly care and not simply brush things off by the time of the month or calling it unnecessary drama. If you love her...give a shit...I'm out
"I knew a man who got lost in the big dark blue...and came out alive..."
You come here for honesty right? Well let me give you some. I know many find it honorable when someone self-deprecates and reveals faults but when do you ever acknowledge your strengths? When can you claim all the good that everyone sees in you without allowing it to go to your head? Say thank you and move on knowing these things to be true all the while accepting the fact that there will always be room to grow into "better". That's what will always separate the men from the boys....the women from the girls...the ordinary from the extra-ordinary. The idea that you never have to settle for the little your environment provided. That you can create something great within the construct given to you at birth. Eventually cracking the mold created for you. Watching your new branches expand outward from the cracks in the pot you were planted in...becoming something new altogether. Something unrecognizable to friends and family that can take it as something good or bad. Something that should never be a factor in anything you decide to do for your growth. In time, they will see and come to appreciate all you've become...or not.
So who am I? I have been a student, a disciple, a preacher, a teacher, a scholar and a husband. I am a father, a friend, a lover and a counselor. A nerd that can fix almost technical problem. A sailor that has seen enough of the world to understand that true diversity is not an American concept. A soul that knows there are no limits to spiritual, mental or physical development and seeks to maximize each. A man of solid structure housing a poet anguishing for chaotic passion. All this in the construct of a man who broke the pot he was planted in a long time ago. Not a boy that finds peace in doing for himself but the man that finds fulfillment in being able to do for those he loves. Not a boy that looks to "get off" but the man that finds eternity in another soul through the experience of real intimacy. Not a boy that relishes in the choices before him but the man that is selective because he knows his worth and understands the emptiness of the game. Not a boy that sees "baggage" but the man that sees the greatness in the ones that grow even as they carry so much alone. Welcome to this high rise I call "me". The foundations are done and so are most of the amenities. Still needs work but it's definitely livable. This blog is replete with how I am imperfect which only means I am and always will be...a work in progress...
Call me "different". Call me an "aberration". Call me full of shit if it suits you. I could care less. Do you know why? I know who I am...now, who are you?
"I'm so tired, I haven't slept a wink...I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind..."
You know sometimes you go on and on biding your time until the better you're holding out for comes. You try to keep your mind busy planning and setting things up. You look at countless houses, cars, furniture and even incidentals that won't add a thing to your "better world". Waiting for pieces to show that will turn into the better that you had planned for everyone but while you do, you decide to go into a "cruise control" mode. A mode that allows you to drive straight through to the end without flinching. Without feeling the time go by so there will never be room for urgency or impatience. You track it and tell yourself that you're only gonna use twenty percent of your mental energy to catch some scenery along the way. Eighty percent will stay focused on the road. Problem is that you have passengers in the car with you that may require more than twenty percent and they soon forget why you're in that mode to begin with...at no fault of their own. You figure they won't mind because when the better comes, they will understand but most of the time, the road becomes longer and the your desire to stay focused turns into something looking like neglect. Tonight, I think for the first time, I'm feeling the negative effects of my busy mind and my incessant travel. I'm so fuckin tired...
Pull the fucking car over and remind the one's you love that you're still there. Otherwise all you meant for their good may turn into something else altogether.
We all have a bright future ahead of us. Let's make it there without fucking up the present. Time for some sleep...
"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends" John 15:13
Sacrifice is a word that ranges in limited definition from getting up early every morning to provide for your own all the way to surrendering your life for another. Yet in my experience, these fall short of all it really means. So I give you one scenario that few could even fathom given the limited interpretation of love most adhere to.
Imagine you meet someone you find is perfect for you. You court each other and in time, fall deeply in love. You share moments and your hearts are set and established to share a life. Yet one day, the woman you love is offered an opportunity of a lifetime that does not include you...what then? Do you stand in her way because your love for her tells you that she is better off with you? Or does your love extend beyond yourself enough to let her go on without you because all that she ever dreamed of is waiting for her to simply say "yes".
After seeing this scenario play out time and again, I can tell you that many would choose to stay together believing this to be the path that "love" would have them take but consider the future of these two. Consider that flowers and candy eventually turn into relationship practicalities and practicality will in turn, provide her with justified reasons to regret not accepting that opportunity. A silent regret that will haunt them both for the rest of their lives. A silent regret that slowly will begin to eat away at their love until they are living more so as accustomed humans when they began as two souls in love.
Real sacrifice is not just something you give up and it's not just something you do. Real sacrifice manifested in love is the denial of self want to make way for another's need and I will tell you that it is one of the hardest challenges one will ever face. To deny oneself of love for the sake of another is THE greatest marker love has. It cannot be surpassed by gifts, money or deeds as it is driven by passion. The passion to want everything for the one you love. The passion to protect them at all costs. The passion to please them with all that you are. This drives that sacrifice to the point where your needs take a backseat to theirs and in a perfect union...both share in the same.
I have surrendered gold for the sake of another more than I would have liked to and in the moment, the pain of it is something akin to voluntarily throwing yourself into a burning pyre. Yet as time passes and you see the fruit of your sacrifice, you then come to realize that none other could ever replicate the gift you have given the one you loved. No one will ever know it and the one you let go may never understand it but you and God will. That will be enough...
Would I do it again if needed? It is no longer a choice...
"We've been shot up, beat up by the falling of the arrows. Yeah I'm full of deep cuts right down to the marrow..."
Young man heed my my words on this night...
Pertaining to women I can assure you that there is nothing on this blog that will advise you in doing as I do save for one recurring theme..."sincerity". I have known a few that have envied my life as a free man only because they truly do not understand that for a man like me such a thing runs the gamut of complexity. Why? Simply because I am who I am. As such I define this life differently than most yet use simplistic terminology to help people understand it's base. Yet what lies underneath it all is way more difficult to explain.
To be sincere means that when you compliment her you are doing so because you mean the compliment. The compliment is not used to lower her defenses enough to engender trust just so you could sleep with her. You have to mean it or ain't worth shit to me.
To be sincere is to understand and greatly appreciate the uniqueness of every soul. To listen to the beauty of her song and appreciate just how much of her is in the song she just sang. Look for her in the song. If you can't or don't want to it ain't worth shit to me.
To be sincere means that you are surrendered to her moment because you truly believe in her and her cause. You've come to listen because you are truly interested to the point of being able to articulate it yourself. If you're not surrendered in her moment then it don't mean shit to me.
To be sincere also means that you must spend time getting to know her heart and mind before you even think about getting to know her body because without understanding the heart and the mind, you can never truly tailor your love specifically for her. All you will be able to perform for satisfaction is a mechanical "paint by numbers" I've often spoken about and there will be nothing behind your endeavour. You have to learn her or it ain't worth shit to me.
Now what does all this mean? It means that if you are a man of conscience you have no choice but to be sincere. It means you can't fake it even if you tried. As such you will come to find that a hole between some legs isn't enough for you. Picturesque model types will need to meet a standard. Tits and ass even the angels crave will have you yawning if these others elements are not met. You will require more for meaning and as such, most of the time...you will remain alone. You will wait for those that can move your soul. At times you will be let down by those pretending to want the same freedom. Showing you how wonderful they are yet driven by agenda. Thinking that because you are just like any other man, you will want that for life. You will meet gamers that wish to challenge you every step of the way, thinking that you just want a challenge only to find yourself moving on yet again because you just are not interested in playtime over control. Tit for tat becomes just "tit" as you yawn yet again until all interest is gone
Young man, many think this life free of pain but as a man of conscience and code, it is replete in "uneasy" frustration and slight disappointment. Those that think otherwise have the idea that callousness is the only way to live this life and they would be correct in part. Yet because I am not callous and choose to feel, it becomes way more difficult. Yet no one will know just how hard it is because they will take a look at the women you've loved and pat you on the back because of a posted picture yet never understand or care that you took the time to know their hearts in intimacy. I was honorable in marriage and I chose to remain honorable...even in this life. I am a lover...not a dog. Even if I can be one if asked...
So peruse this blog from the very beginning and mimic everything I said and did but if you think it only to be about "motions"...you will fail with every encounter. You will become nothing more than a male slut that has to travel to get the same shit you can get in the bathroom all by yourself. Be wise and stay wise...
Now for those of you saying "There he goes again, talkin about how great he is with women"...you can eat shit. Almost every event that has taught me something profound has had a female lead in one of the starring roles. It is my life and to speak about my universe without including that aspect would remain an incomplete story and I will never shortchange a message simply because you want me to show the semblance of false humility. Numbers add nothing to character but oftentimes it has people A) Questioning your veracity and B) Thinking you are full of yourself when the exact opposite is true.
So young man there is no book I can write describing what makes this so called "free life" work. For that I would need to describe rules and points that I know are completely futile. There are no absolute rules in this life because they always crumble under the heaviness of their own weight. Nine times out of ten, you will come to find that it is a rule manufactured for the sole purpose of convenience of the one that wrote it in the first place. If you on the other hand follow that same rule, the person that initiated it will hate you for it. Not because they are evil people but simply because they are human. So always make sure that any demand you place on another is something you are more than able to follow yourself. When it's good, it's great but when it's bad...it's awful.
Sincerity is the only rule you should have. Any more or less...and it don't mean shit to me...
Dark night sounds off dark tones pressed against the light.
Limestone raindance on the sidewalk outside my window has me vibin on your bite. Lamplight flickers in my room like it's catchin fireflies but it's just dancin to the slow blues riffin sex playin up my muse. Tellin me the night is right for views of light on my dark. A bite to my bark. Thrusting arrows...piercing marks. Both yours...and mine.
Ravage the savage that lives on my skin restin on muscle and bone. Speak soft with your subtle and vibe me with your sighs. Tell me with your eyes. Speak it with your kiss and guide me by your moan. Move your groove to soothe and heal off the day's lancing. Dancing with the flaunt of the hungered taunt that leaves your stain on me...the chain on me. Takin you past the point of no return by savin me into slavin me to the taste of you that dries up on my chin. Where all that is known within seeks sensation to become realized. Idealized by this artistic design called you. In this space and time where desire, refuge and rage all answer to the same name. This is why we came...
Boston creme cum flexin, sexin on my bed. Just too fuckin bad it's all in my head...
Today I witnessed the personification of how the much envied "Life Of The Party" ends. Yet what hurt the most is that the soul inadvertantly being used to teach this lesson is a family member I truly love.
I will tell you this: I would rather be a dullard with no fuckin friends if it brings my mind ease than to wear an anesthetized mask hiding the pain that is evident on my face. That is all I will say on this topic for now but shit, stay tuned...
"Sunny days; everybody loves them. Tell me baby can you stand the rain..."
How many times have you witnessed or been a party to this? When your spouse, lover, family member or friend are a having a terrible time at it. A drought hits for them that may last weeks and this person soon begins to change on you. You go from sympathy to bitter indifference because you have no choice but to begin to take their distance personally. Now, on top of all else this person has to deal with, they now have to deal with you too. This once close important person to you is now someone you consider fucked up. They didn't have time for you and they didn't bother explaining themselves either. You cut them off...
Who's right...who's wrong? If your conscience still works settle down, stop and think. Why do you think this about you? Consider when it started and how it got worse. Should you have said something sooner or just stepped aside, watched and waited for things to settle? Your pride will say fuck em but the truth will have you apologizing for being such a shit individual. Why the truth? Some truths remain a constant irrespective of feelings and miscommunication and the truth that should carry you through their silence is the importance and/or love this person has engendered in your heart. These things never change but how you manifest them can depending on what has happened. Now if nothing actually happened to make your feelings change, get a fucking grip. Though feelings may change from inner and outer stressors, they had nothing to do with you so why then should their love and/or importance be questioned? The fact is, they shouldn't and it is because of this, I do not change my behavior even if someone else does. I will ask if it's about me, accept the answer and move forward. If I change my behavior then I will allow my "weather feelings" to denounce an established truth and I will lose someone dear to me in the process. Nah, not me...
Solar panels still work on cloudy days. Do you know why? The sun still exists...it always will. Though the output may not be the same on these days, don't worry...one day the clouds will pull back and you'll see the sun shining as it did before. Output will normalize and you will remember why this person owns a place in your heart. It is then that you will see the truth of things... that it was worth waiting out the storm...
The young king comes out of his room and enters the living room. His mother stares at him for 30 seconds and says "You should become a Castle Guard my son, this way you can release your rage onto criminals". He dismissed it with a chuckle but eventually came to understand what she saw in him. It was time to work on it...
Listen to the posted song. Dismiss the backbeat and listen to it's rage, it's anger...feel it all. Let the images of pain and hurt flood your mind. Now...don't move a muscle. Don't let your face show expression and watch the show inside. Don't fear it, don't bottle it. Feel it in your hands. Feel it travel to your legs and make it's way up your spine to the back of your neck. There...that is the heat waiting to be released. Now...find all the reasoning behind the imagery. Understand every scene and settle them inside. To release what you don't understand would cause chaotic destruction. To understand what you don't release through violent action gives you more than enough reasons why they are truly unworthy of release at all. You are now beginning to master the fight or flight instinct in every human being as the needed defense mechanism it is.
Anxiety is the same way. The flood of emotions that hit cause a level of fear and paranoia that can paralyze. Keep calm and name every emotion. Watch them all converge into a rapid heartbeat and understand why each emotion has no place in the current circumstance you're in. Watch them all disappear. Now...move. I have these regularly and can tell you when I'm having one as a matter of fact. A quick thought process and a couple of breaths and these become as important as a cramping muscle...stretch it out...
To be able to remain outwardly calm in any environment while you reason your inner turmoil to settle does not have to be the work of a pill. If this is your route of choice then you will always be a slave to your environment without that crutch. It can be done but it takes work. These supposedly therapeutic drugs that are nothing more than prescribed opiates are creating a society that will cower in fear at the sight of any enemy or the smallest catastrophe because people are substituting natural training under pressure with the ability to not feel anything at all. I remember a time when a child that "acted up" needed better parenting. Now, they diagnose him with ADD and give him a mind numbing pill. That pill may allow him to function but will never allow him to see his full potential as a human being. Your inner turmoil is a necessity for proper growth.
Now some may say that anger is an evil but it is anger that does not allow you to be easily controlled. When anger is channeled into righteous indignation based on both truth and equity, it becomes an unending fuel that is reasoned, calm and properly placed. Keep in mind that without it, man would never have had the temerity to claim his God given rights. Everything inside you is there for a reason. Some things need to be tempered and others need to be directed right through self-awareness...but all serve a purpose.
Understand that as humans we are both peace and war, water and fire...love and hate. One can never truly appreciate one without it's counter. To see and accept it all is to accept inner balance as a prerequisite to inner wholeness. So don't ever fear what you are...understand it and live. I'm out...
At once the king, now older, was flooded with rage over a disrespectful comment directed at someone he cared about. A reasoned message calmed him down as though a hand had been placed on his shoulder. He was perplexed but eventually understood that this is exactly what he had come to learn...to reason his rage to settle. The disrespectful man was still a fool worthy of a hand across the face but the king knew that this would happen in time...just not from him.
"Let your love be strong and I don't care what goes down..."
You have a wife or lover. She cares for you in ways that you sometimes don't deserve. One day she gets an epiphany. She wants to be more than she is but you know what? This may cost you a wife or a lover because you are afraid that she will surpass you or not be able to make your dinner at night because she has to study or do some homework. What do you do?
Men ruled by the idea that they should always be in command will feel threatened and do their worst. They will either discourage her by telling her that "growth stuff" isn't for her or they will psychologically demean her until she feels she can't do shit. Don't get me wrong folks. I find great honor in the housewife that tends for her own but if she feels she can do more then there is no less honor in that. I used to be a man filled with ideals that hindered my then wife's dream. I didn't feel threatened but I just didn't like the path she was choosing and asked her to choose something else. I was never one to demand she not pursue her goals but that one in particular was one I did not want her to do...to my own shame. I was a short-sighted fool. That was until I noticed something...
I began encouraging others and advising them to pursue their dreams and goals with vigor. I told them what they needed to hear and saw how their faces would light up with a newfound fire inside. It was beautiful. Yet thinking of those I loved I felt ashamed because the most important person to me was never told this. I knew then that I had denied the woman I loved the very thing I was freely giving to others. I remember it was after my shift and I was out at sea. I had to call her that night to let her know that I wanted her to pursue her dream because if she didn't at least try, it would stand as a regret for the rest of her life. Advice I had just given to someone else moments earlier. To this day she still wonders how that happened.
My people, understand this clearly: Growth requires change. Men and women that seek true growth admit when they are wrong and do all they can to correct where they have failed or in the least...take on a new mindset. I didn't get to who I am today by reading fucking self-help books. I just looked in the mirror and with brutal honesty saw what needed changing. Something I still do to this very day...
The best that you can do for anyone you love is drop your ego and be the man that helps them climb those ladders even if you need to stay at the bottom securing the very ladders they're climbing. Seek that they surpass you because in doing so you become a better man yourself and that is something no one can ever surpass via money, success or fame.
I've heard this over and over again..."You have options" and it's true. It does not add an inch to my character nor does it make me more of a man. It's just a matter of fact that can sometimes be a detriment to how people may view me from time to time but I really don't care as much as I used to.
Yet the truth is a bit more nuanced than that. Options for me are something I have cultivated over time with souls that I have come to know and love. These my friends are very few yet what gets lost in translation is the difference between options and choices. Before an option can become an option it was once a choice...an avenue open to me that I could either venture down or not. After venturing down certain roads, they have become options for me because they fit my heart and I fit theirs. Choices are not options and when people usually tell me I have options, nine times out of ten, they are referring to choices. It is best never to confuse the two...for the safety of everyone involved lol
I give you the old sailor's adage:
"Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink..."
The sea is vast my friends and a thirsty man on a boat simply needs to cup his hands and take a drink. Problem is, if that water is not purified? He will die lol For the vast sea of choices at his disposal...he really has no options. Think about it...I'm done ;-)
There is a space and a moment when everything that supposed to make sense does and what doesn't matter becomes a back-drop to that feeling of release. Where you look back and wonder why it consumed so much of you. I had that moment tonight and I really hope someone I care about can have the same release.
You see big issues become little when they are analyzed and seen for what they really are...ripples in the water of a painting replete with mountains, beautiful skies, streams and two souls in a boat. I spent years trying to figure things out that in the bigger picture didn't add or take away a thing from the value of the painting itself. I've been sedate for so long I've forgotten these things at times lol
Now I could go back and delete some rants but I will do no such thing as they are snapshots taken to understand what makes us tick on beat...and off. Besides, some of you may need rants like that because you may need to know that you're not alone in how you feel about a thing or two. Never regret an over-reaction if you know you can snap out of it and no one was hurt in the process. Stick with it, nurse it and act on it? Well then you're fucked and I can't do a thing for you lol
"You've been livin life it's a sequel and you're already bored with the plot..."
Conclusions are pretty nifty things when all the information is available. They help you move forward and bring comfort when everything seems scattered but how do you come to them? How do you reach the absolute thought process that gives you the moral license to act?
Do you trust in your misplaced anger? No, because that will taint your perception of motive. Do you trust your imagined misconceptions? No, because that will taint the criteria used to judge what will be considered evidence allowed to make your case. Some will say that they have a unique perspective and others will assume they have all the information needed when in both cases...they fall short. Unless everything is concrete a conclusion is always at best a hypothesis and nothing to really base a heartfelt decision on. Yet lest we obsess over this question let's examine the need for such a discussion. Some decisions are way more important than others and some questions that precipitate a need for a decision are nothing more than a passing curiosity held on for too long. So what the fuck am I really saying here? I try to do my very best not to take too much time with questions that drive me crazy because the truth is, we could all be full of shit in what we're obsessing about anyway lol On top of all that, at some point you begin to encounter diminishing returns. In other words, they get in the way of life. A wise man used to tell me many times "Moise, you either shit or get off the pot...". You takin a shit readin the paper? Finish your paper then get up and find out if the corn you ate last night made it's way through. Don't sacrifice the sports section for worry...
At this point, I have no answers to unknown questions but what inquisitiveness cannot help, time and patience always provides. I will wait as long as I need to. While I wait...I'll continue living and doing my best to put a smile on someone's face that may need it...
After a beautiful night the poet questions things a poet should not question. His drive, his lust, his passion and all directive behind them but you see it's not the poet that is questioning himself...but the man that houses him.
The man has been in charge so long and he has yet to fully let go. His environment demands his command and the poet becomes stifled but the poet is just as strong. Is this for anyone else's consumption? No, but I promised years ago that I would let it all out here and that as yet stands.
Remember the issue of Moses and Apollo? Well, they fightin again...but they'll work it out. This is a crises of existentialism and the greatness behind the answers are too damned important not to work it out. I bet you're thinkin "Oh how dramatic!!!" Yeah well if you are, then this post ain't for you. If you are an artist that desires to know beyond knowing...to feel beyond feeling. You know you can't fake this hunger or manufacture this need by wishful thinking or a change in perspective. You're either hungry for what you can't quantify or not...and very few are. As a result, very few will understand and as a result of that? My journey will have me become a man alone. Heh...ain't nothin new...
Oh fairest friend, hint me your heart and show me just enough. Grab me from within and take me to places you've only dreamed of showing another. Show me something greater than myself. Show me something that will satiate the memory in my heart for the rest of my life. Ethereal plains and fields littered with a species of rose that only grows in your garden. I will let you...
Sweet darling rose, hint me your lake and show me just enough. Grab me from within and take me to the stream that only comes from you. Guide me to bathe under the waterfall that flows between the most beautiful pillars I have ever seen. Saturate me in your essence and bring me life. I will let you...
Sweetest lake upon my body, hint me your home and show me nothing. Blindfold my eyes lest they should deceive me. Grab me from within through the experience only my other senses can provide. Allow me to smell the rose that grows in your garden upon your skin. Allow me to taste the waters I have bathed in as I prostrate between your pillars. Allow me to hear the sound of your sacred release from your supple lips and afford me the grace to touch the outer walls of your home with my own. All that I may keep to memory the fullness of all that you are. All that I may perfectly entreat when needed, wanted and desired. For passion, for love and for all that you are worthy of. I will let you...let me...
A centuries old cathedral encased in glass stood for but a few to visit. Yet one day, it was for but two alone...
They wandered in as strangers and shared in it's imagination. They tendered song and roses to it's beauty until their hearts were offered as well. Daily they came to admire it until they found themselves ignoring it all together. They met there daily still and instead of gazing at it's beauty, they now found each other's eyes even more worthy of gaze. He came to adore the smile she couldn't help. She became enamored by the foolish quirk he could not hold in. All this becoming more important than this place. They would soon feel the need to touch but the sanctity of this place was still too grand and now what had brought them together had become what was keeping them apart. They knew they didn't need the cathedral but as it became a staple in their new found love, they were afraid of leaving it behind lest their love would be left behind as well. Until one day...they found themselves having no choice but to do just that. The man became so ill that he could not meet his timely commitment anymore. Sadness and confusion overtook them...
They feared the loss of the love found in that place but as minutes felt like hours and hours felt like days...something else altogether happened. This love they found did not wane but instead began to suffer the pain of loss. The truest testament to something's value. They found they missed the stillness of their company and came to find something more to miss...the touch they had so longed for but already had. For even though they did not touch in flesh...they touched in spirit. Something very few could ever truly comprehend. The intimacy of souls was theirs now to keep in perpetuity. What of the cathedral? It's beauty stands but it had lost its power over the fate that was now theirs. They found the treasured confirmation they had been looking for in the discomfort of change. That all they ever needed to do was trust the love that they had found...was real. That yes, it did in fact transcend space, time, holiness and sin. Unlike the multitudes that met in that place and thought the same. They were the exception as they came seeking nothing for themselves and found each other instead...
Today they meet where they please. Sanctifying the very spaces they enter by the beauty of her smile and the quirk of the fool...
To understand: All that has value must be tested outside it's place of comfort. If it endures to flourish...so will it's value...
Words typed from beautifully tender tips on a screen got me thinkin on a truism...
A long time ago a woman I loved told me that she had shared one of my pieces with a friend of hers that just so happened to be an artist and what she told me she said moved me to near tears. I nervously chuckled instead...
"Oh my dear, I feel so very sorry for you. You are in love with an artist..." She was serious...
You see I knew what she meant. In order to be able to create true art one must become hollow to all facades. You have to be willing to wear your insides out and put them on display for all to see. The trick is...you have to see them first. Everything from the good to the bad. The light and the dark as well. Being this way produces mood swings and melancholy that most will not be able to relate to but doing this allows you the roadmap for a deeper understanding of "self" and by extension...everyone else. You see your darkness for what it is, listen to its music, dance to its tune and find that sweet spot of temperance that will transform it from something ugly...into something beautiful. Something under your command for timely need. The light in you finds purpose beyond shine. Real world purpose that would serve more than just your ego and in this lifelong painstaking confusing process, you become something no one has ever seen in reality...until you. They wonder how you got there. They mimic all you do. Not understanding that this is the work of a soul carving out a voice that requires sincerity and the willingness to become ugly for the sake of finding the truth in beauty.
This woman was correct in what she said as we would not last. There is no question that my past love played her part in our demise but my ways were not easy to live with. To see all I see, express as I do and emote as I choose is not an easy thing to endure unless I am fully understood. Yet what I was gifted outweigh the downsides by miles. Because I am able to hear the blood flow through my veins, I can feel the Grace of God in the wind. Because I can see behind my irises and see the artistic quality of the nerves that allow me to interpret shape and sound, I can find the artistry in a quiet room whose only sound is the whispered creak of a settling home. Where some read between the lines, I can read between the letters...finding purpose in the process. I see this in a few and am enamored by their likeness. I see all they've gone through and am impressed by their present day ability to not just function...but to thrive with hope, love, purpose and passion. If they've gleaned nothing from their life, their potential will forever dither in hidden places they are afraid to go. The artist endures the ugly to eventually come to see it evolve into something imperfectly perfect...and beautiful. They are easy to love but hard to live with. To hear "some of you is so much better than none of you but all of you? That's not so easy" Yeah...I "get" that...
So then what is MY confession?
For all that is truly beautiful in me today began as something I thought ugly, useless or unworthy of anyone's time or heart. Thank God for evolution...
"all these places had their moments...in my life, I've loved them all"
Emma always knew she was different growing up. Fueled by an inquisitive mind she devoured life at it's fullest. All those around her knew how special she was and as such, became naturally desired by them. Their only problem was that they understood her worth, even as she did not. They knew she was gold in a copper world. A world she would soon outgrow. How would they overcome such a hurdle? By keeping the fullness of her value unknown to her. Including this beautiful piece of gold into their world of copper until she eventually became ensnared by the ceiling they all knew so well. Yet, what they did not anticipate was the power of innate value. It's instinctive need to blossom would soon have them at a loss.
Emma decided it was time to do for herself because she began to see the traces of gold inside. Her desire for a better world was nothing more than the manifestation of the gold within her. Guiding her and directing her to seek out for more than she had known. For more that she had been exposed to. Yet all the years she spent in the copper world made her reluctant to let go completely lest she find herself feeling as though she was above her friends and family. You see as gold...she loved them. Yet she was better...but was afraid to fully accept it. She did her best to grow within the copper world and as she did, those around her would find subtle ways to remind her of the ceiling that they have come to accept. Slow was her growth but her determination was unwavering and little by little, all that she knew would soon turn against her for having the strength to leave them behind. Still wrestling with the idea that she could love them to the point of understanding without being pulled in to their world.
From a distance another gold piece watches. He wants nothing less than success for Emma because gold recognizes gold and real value only wants to see value have it's due. Deserving of all she's never known with passion and fire thrown in for good measure...he knows she will succeed with or without him. His real admiration and love for her continues to grow in the process. He will do anything he can to make sure that by the time her head hits that ceiling, there will be an opening for her to crawl through...
To seek the approval of another when doing what is right is not genuine righteousness but to expect appreciation? That is human and although it may be a weakness that leaves one vulnerable to disappointment and hurt...it will always remain an innate necessity.
I have trained myself to avoid such pratfalls but they can consume me nonetheless as my human nature would dictate. Yet in my heart of hearts there is only one whose appreciation is a requirement...the man that looks back at you in the mirror. Expect nothing from everyone else and keep doing what is right for you and yours. Retain your integrity by making sure that it is never at the expense of another. Keep pressing to do what's right. Never giving up on hope, life or love. Become the exception to the rule and see your value as it is.
I may not be magnificent to some but to me? Flaws and all, I know better...
