Sometimes...

You get hit with internal questions and a crisis of conscience develops.  One that leaves you with no absolution...no resolution.  You find yourself hiding away from the world even as you make your world smaller by choice.  You pray that those in your world understand because you know that you just can't let anyone new in...

Yet here you are.  Not looking for a damn thing.  Someone knocks on your door and you can't recognize this person standing in front of you.  Why? because you never met.  They want in.  New faces...all with distinctive knocks at your door and you just don't give a shit anymore.  Those currently that are in your life feel just right.  They are more than enough.  As flattering as it all may seem, you just sigh and accept that this is the way things are.  You just don't need it anymore.

I've been here many times before yet this time I am left asking the question.  Is it a blessing or a curse when a so-called "gift" serves no other purpose but to fuel the ego of a man?

Shit, I can't change who I am.  I can only become better...more.  It is something I look forward to physically, mentally and spiritually and what caveats come with such a thing will always be an issue for me.  Whatever...

So be it then...boo hoo, cry me a fuckin river Apollo...

~Apollo  

Oh Press Of Mine...

You're so full of shit but you're all mine...and so the rant has a part deux!!!

Back in the days of marriage, you carried each other and the children God graced you with.  Advice was free and plentiful because where there was love, there were no boundaries and in fact, if you didnt point out an error, I would think you just didn't give a shit.  This was how we grew into each other.  This was how we "learned" each other.  I was able to see where you found me deficient and as is expected in all relationships, you saw the same.  This is how any relationship is built...on honesty and respect of that honesty.  Something that sadly is now long gone.

These days, truth tellers are unnecessary nuisances.  Relics of a time long past.  Before the days of Facebook and MySpace.  The areas of Cyberspace filled with sycophants whose only motivation at the end of the day is some sort of personal conquest but hey, they think you are great.  Shit they say so everyday so it must be true lol  I'm gonna speak the truth here people.  Relationships fail today because this "me" society is teaching us in error.  Instead of truth, we push fluff.  Instead of brutal honesty that can save your life, I need to watch how I don't offend.  In the process, we rob each other of the knowledge of who we really are and thus any hope of anything worth anything meaningful.

But hey, you're golden.  Why?  Because so and so said so after he or she saw your picture lol  What happens when and if they ever really get close enough see ALL your bullshit?  Will they still think you are great then?  Sure, they just need to meet-up over a couple of drinks to be sure.  These are the ones that create this press for you.  These stories about how great you are and about how your shit don't stink.  They know that like any good piece of fiction...you'll be mesmerized too.  They'll make you laugh and cry.  They will make you feel like the greatest man that ever walked the face of the earth and like the most beautiful woman they have ever seen or will see.  All press created for an end result.

Yet ask yourself this question; what's worse?  Those that try to delude or those that accept such delusion as gospel?  Some don't mind that all this is bullshit because they can always feign naivety for the sake of some "feel-good" therapy and others may even believe them.  Me?  I see people that lie to themselves worse than those that lie to others.  Why?  Because that's one more person they are being dishonest to on a daily basis...

When the ride gets to be too much, I just get off.  I am the type to get sick of my own image.  Will I not grow even more tired of your bullshit?  I see humanity at his best and worst.  I see the great selflessness of love and the debilitating want within "self" and "ego".  Unfortunately, only a handful are left that do.  Anyway...

~Apollo

The Lingering Fool...

Some doors you shut with nails and cement.  Others you leave open.  You leave them open because what's inside them is so damn important and special, you know you'd be a fool to shut them for good.  So you linger outside the door.  Never really stepping in...and never really stepping out.  You know that what's inside couldn't house you for long so lingering becomes your only hope of retaining all that you know is left in this world as pure.  The love of one and the hope of another.  The joy of embracing all that you consider to be perfect.

Only a fool would shut these doors and yet a conundrum materializes in the midst.  Why this conundrum? Because the simple truth is this; it takes an even bigger fool to endure the pain and confusion of keeping them open...

I have made my choice and I will be that fool.  The idiot that will rather have some of something beautiful than all of nothing at all...

~Apollo

Oh Heart Of Mine...

Please...allow me rest...

Tonight, I have to say that I feel like absolute shit.  I have seen someone I love and held to high esteem creep into an "I don't give a fuck" attitude when it comes to situations that require the defense and maintenance of their honor.  A sign of misguided direction that can turn into something damaging if left unaware.  How do you tell someone you're emotionally invested in that they're heading in the wrong direction without waving your hands like a fucking maniac?  How do you maintain a steady voice when what has happened muddies the clear water of the esteem you had?  An esteem cultivated and worked for...built up throughout the years.  It's a hard thing to see a slippery slope and not try to do everything you can to keep them from even getting near it.  And it's nearly impossible to remain calm when they try to justify all that is wrong.  Your voice raises akin to yelling "fire!" when you see one.  Problem is people seldom ever receive it like that.  They think you're "judging" and lose sight of the fact that the pain is there because you see a greatness in them.  You see so much more than even they do.  You want to shake them and say "Please wake up!!!"...but you just can't do that.  Their defenses go up and insults are spit because no one is allowed to finish a sentence.  What good was found in that?  None.

In the end, humans are human and "heroes" continue to die off by the day.  Lives I've known for years are getting swept up into the tide of the times.  The tide of the crowd in the clouds.  That place you slip into where you look and sound just like everyone else...covered in smoke.  Somewhere along the way, they decided it no longer mattered how they were seen because they thought it sufficient to adopt the saying "everyone does it".  Why?  Because if "everyone is doing it", then what is happening is of no consequence and needs no accounting.  That is way easier than standing on an adopted moral code but it is also very flawed.  Someone is always watching the few champions of our age that are left.  Someone is always looking to emulate those they find "of quality".  There is always someone besides God watching you and that is something no one can change.  It is a heavy burden but it is also a great privilege.  So understand this clearly people; man will fail you.  I will fail you.  Yet knowing this to be true never really softens the blow when it happens.  My own private battle between the man I was and the man I am still rages.  A battle I have to win and every time one of my heroes falls, a piece of me dies; challenging my own defenses as my heart sinks into the meat grinder of my belly.  Knocking the very wind out of me.  Every time leaving me feeling a little less strong.  I wish I didn't feel this way but it is something I cannot help.  Something I fucking hate and a part of myself I really despise.

So what to do now?  Move forward and realize that there is nothing left to do.  In all this there is a bottom line.  I have no authority to say anything because everyone is entitled to their own humanity.  Everyone can come and do as they please without account.  No one ever asks to be looked up to so how can they take responsibility for the life that does?  I mean, who the fuck am I right?  According to them, I'm "nothing" and have no right to even give a shit..so fuck it all then...

I will remain standing...

"The noble King found himself washed away in a heavy tide and somewhere along the way he managed to grab hold of a branch.  Tonight that life saving branch unexpectedly snapped into two separate pieces..."

~Apollo

PS:  I'm as yet entitled to a mindless rant once...or twice lol