To Justify...

What compels a righteous man to take on a criminal mind?  What pushes him to learn the subtleties of sin?  What makes him interview Satan for tips when all his life revolved around a righteous God?  

It all begins with the thirst for knowledge and the desire to never be taken advantage of.  Believing all along that he himself would never become all he's learned.  Believing he's strong enough to deny himself the ease of it all.  Thinking that the thrill of it won't hit him like a shot of heroin.  Bullshit...

The righteous man that he is hates his alter ego's existence but benefits from all that is known.  The shortcuts, the cons...easy.  He thinks to justify his actions by coming up with a litany of ethics within the unethical and he is successful at it.  Now, with his conscience appeased, he continues to learn.  People want to work with him.  Strangers want to learn from him because of his detail and his ability to stay in the shadows.  Large enough for the derelict to take notice but small enough for the law not to give a shit.  He becomes a silent star in the underground...and he hates it all.  The man he is at heart could not accept what he's become until finally, under duress, he gets out.

Yet those close to him still know all he's capable of and one day...a request is made.  A request he has the constitution for but without enough justification for the righteous man to bend.  Made by someone he could never say no to...until now...

~Apollo

I'm In Love Again...

As a child, I prayed for her to be mine and watched her woo me subtlety with her smile.  The breeze she carried with her reminded me of sunsets and sunrises and her voice was that of a beautiful songbird that wakes you up in the morning.  It was more than just love...I was infatuated and God granted my prayer.  I wanted her and one day as a man...I would have her.  Not for "need"...but for "want".  That a dream would come true and I would feel closer to complete.  At times with her, I did...

She let me know she was still there for me as we walked the Bay Ridge promenade.  A beautiful breeze hit and at that very moment all I could see was her beautiful face again.  Flashes of the good and bad.  Times I despised her and times she comforted me.  Memories rushed in and I came to a conclusion.  Our parting of ways was not a "falling out of love" but rather precipitated by external forces that neither of us had much control of.  I now know what I need to do.  I know how to make it right and my love will return to me.

And this time...she will stay...

She is the sea...

~Apollo

The Hitchhiker...

It's funny how many crazy things a really sold out man will do for love.  I'm amazed at all I've done and still contemplate doing sometimes.  Some of you might ask "Well, what is a sold out man?"  When you are "sold out" there is no one else for you to please.  You have volunteered yourself to be bought by the love of your lover.  It is a joyful surrender that actually has you thinking about children and growing old together.  For this kind of love, you will move mountains if you could.  I've been there a couple of times and I can tell you, sometimes all you do is reciprocated and sometimes it isn't.  And it doesn't mean a thing to you at first but after a while...you begin to wonder.

I once traveled by bus to some place in the buttfuck panhandle of Florida to see my girlfriend at the time.  Coming from NY, it wasn't a straight shot and because I didn't have any money for plane fair, my silly lovesick ass took the bus.  No offense to the Greyhound folks but the Greyhound experience is pure shit.  Weird ass people you have to constantly keep your eyes on.  The smell of urine and the constant transfers that keep you awake.  ALL this to see her for about two days.  I told her I just wanted to be near her as our relationship was long distance at the time.  The time we spent had it's little moments of annoyance but for the most part it was good.  I get back home and a few days later I get a call from her and she's giving me hell on the phone!  She's drunk and she has to give me the "what for" because her girlfriends juiced her up to "let me know a few things".  Fuckin girlfriends...yeah, I said it!!!  I'm pacing, yelling back and could still hear the stickiness under my boots from the soda I stepped on in one of the buses...which only frosted me more.  That shit lasted half the night.  We broke up twice that night lol

Yeah, as a sold out man, I'll do just about anything for love but maybe I'm still afraid of becoming a sold out man again after all that's happened.  I must admit though, thoughts of hitchhiking constantly cross my mind.

At least this time it would be a straight shot... ;-)

~Apollo

"I Can't Take My Eyes Off You"

It's amazing that it's been so long since my last confession.  From my last post to now I've been following life's wind to both detriment and diversion.  I've seen the dormant demons that rested in me for years and in some ways, it has cost me.  Yet in others...I can truly say I've gained much.  The powers that be took a man trained in order, well read all his life, with ethics and a code...took that man and told him "All that you know now doesn't apply in this place...good luck".  What does he do?  He loses it.  Every human faces the same dilemma at some point in his or her life and it's in those times when all you know must be reevaluated.

In this new universe there is no girlfriend to love and to frustrate, no wife to love and kiss every night.  There is only me and some of the most wonderful women any man would be blessed to call his own.  They ask nothing of me nor I of them...but moments.  Yet what happens when things get too close?  What happens when your love deepens and the only course of action for the betterment of the one you love doesn't include you?  If it's real, you MUST let go.  Even if it means never seeing her again.

My people, I see my world for what it is and I hold onto no delusion.  I know that sometimes I'm present to share a moment of passion but sometimes I'm also present to serve a purpose of personal need.  You see, I see all that has to happen for certain outcomes to take place and some are just fuckin hard to deal with...but because they are necessary, I endure them in silence.  You struggle with the idea of self-denial...something akin to setting yourself on fire.  You do it anyway as you sit and watch all you knew would happen.  You pray for the best outcome and wait as you live your own life.  I have lived this and know this is my now a part of my universe.

The instinctive driving force of love itself should be enough to sustain a union...but at certain times in life, this instinct loses it's effectiveness.

My people, you've read about my ex girlfriend years ago.  You've seen the transition from one hurt to anger all the way through to acceptance and love.  You've been with me when I was both drunk and high out of my mind.  Writing as a man possessed yet himself nonetheless.  Now I write to you as a single man that just wants to be at peace in his new world.  With real love, freedom and passion as the wind at his back.

"And so it is"...I ain't done yet ;-)

~Apollo