Primal...

"I can't take my eyes off you"

What does he want when all sense is gone?

He wants nothing more than just to feel...to bring pleasure outside of himself.  That is memorable.  That is lasting.  The night he was afforded the privilege of placing his face between the stems of existence...and allowed them to bleed.  Allowing them to become a crystalized version of what is most pure.  Those tears of ecstasy so rare.  Tears only the extraordinary can summon.  No ordinary man can make them last.  No ordinary man can become a fantasy.  It makes him eternal.  It makes him beyond real outside his universe. 

The slave, the servant...allows him to become the master of the moment...

Madness...

What is this thing called madness?

It is actually a state of being.  Between the plain of man and the ethereal.  The place where you no longer know what is real and react to all.  I am at that place but I know better.  I can detail what is true and what isn't...all based on what I call "spiritual sense".

On one side, I see a beautiful world without care and consequence.  On the other...I see a world that is cruel and punishing.  Which one corresponds to me?  I really don't know yet but I will allow them to play themselves out.  Who I am lays squarely between the two know that all my faces carry regret.  Every one of them has a price to pay...and pay them gladly, I will.  The one that remains is seldom ever the one you "create"...because in the very end the one you are endures...

I will endure no matter what.  Attend yourself to the song I chose in madness...yes, I am beautiful...

My Job...

"I run away from you

Into your dream I lose the one

That I was in when you told me

That I could never meet my friends

Again"



You ever wonder...

What drives a man of intense passion?

The freedom of an accomplished task?  The sigh of a satisfied woman?  It is the knowledge of  a sacrificed soul done what he can.  I am made for such a thing.  I am made for such times as these.  Though my world be crumbling around me, I will still offer all they want...because they need it.  I am all they said I am.  They see it more so than I ever could and they drive me.  To heights and fantasies they never thought could be possible.  I am that man. 

Time to embrace him I guess...

The Plight...

Nights unstable.  Pills and booze don't kick in till about an hour or so.  You hate tomorrow.  Everyone with bad news is awake during the day.  Empty days skirt your passion because that brings you joy.  No time for such luxuries.  No time for diversion.  Calculations and firefighting...with no hope in sight.  You fear the beauty of dreams you know you have to wake up from so you avoid them altogether.  Sheltered from joy.  Yet you push because you know...you're still alive.  Knowing there is better.  What's the quickest route?  Your mind won't let that question go.  You know...there IS an answer.  You know there has to be an answer.

There IS an answer.  Stay alive...it will come...

...the plight of the one who knows he has to die to be able to finally live...

My tribute to pink by carly7

http://soundcloud.com/carly7/my-tribute-to-pink

I met this singer by chance and have truly fallen in love with her music.  I see the beginnings of something great because it is made for her alone.  Others will hear it and do their best to relate but the greatest compliment will come from those who can't.  It speaks to them in a way they cannot understand...but what they do understand is a voice of honesty worth listening to.  Just listen...you will be blessed :-)

The Cancerous Patient...

So what happens when a man is told he only has 34 days left to live in an environment he's been fasioned to for years?  What happens when they tell him "everything you knew will cease to exist as you know it today"..."things will drastically change for you and there is nothing left but to accept that change"

Heh...he feels liberated...

"Stuff" is akin to an albatross within our human existance.  When we analyze all we have and all we do;  asking ourselves "in this list...what can I truly live without?" I am surprised the little that's left.  I am surprised at what little we actuallyneed to live yet have given power to in the category of "the superfluous".  All the useless that has bound us to worry and fret.  Needlessly meandering about the next wave of trouble.  What more do you need but yourself and your God?  I can no longer answer this question...

So what does the cancerous patient do with his limited time?  He has Twinkies for dinner.  He wakes up at 4 in the afternoon.  He doesn't speak to a soul and he hopes everyone understands.  He stops breathing.  He looks at those 34 days as a countdown to a new life...a better life.

What will he be at the end of all this?  What will rise out of the ashes...out of the darkness?  I don't know...God, I really wish I knew...

Barnabas...



The king sits in a room alone anesthetized by suffered vision.  With eyes closed he looks up and sees a great man about to die.  A man with the ability to kill because he knew how to heal.  A man with the ability to steal because he knew how to protect that which was most valuable.  A man torn by two worlds that found nobility in each and kept what was most useful to him.  Through the mist of panorama the king now sees the mans death...

His procession is one fit for an ancient king.  A casket of glass, flowers and music interlaced with stringed instruments.  Mourners gather in the hundreds with nothing to say.  Nothing to share.  Whatever memory they had of him...was private.  Why did they mourn?  Why were they there?  What was he to them?  He never knew.  He never accepted his impact so as to keep himself steady.  He was a shadow behind the greats.  A momentary whisper of encouragement in the wind.  A moment to remember...

The king now knows his name...Barnabas...

Missa Defunctorum...

What more can be said that hasn't been said already...silence is my remedy...

Dreams...

This past week has been a week of vivid dreams but this morning I woke up from one of the most vivid dreams Ive had in awhile.  Someone I knew that I had not seen in about a year was here.  Nudging at me to wake up as she sat at the side of my bed.  She had let herself in because she has always had a set of keys.  I woke up a bit shocked that someone was there, rubbed my eyes and said "hello".  It was actually cool to see her again.  Yet I saw her differently.  Like she "belonged" yet at the same time...didn't.  Like she "fit" but only for a season.  It was as though this is the way it was always meant to be.  She was just passin through...until next time.

Time has allowed me to see and accept many things.  The permanence of a few even though they are absent.  Even though there is silence...it makes no difference.  I do hope that wherever she is, she's living up to all the great things I saw in her.  There were many...

Behind The Smoke...

"Behind the smoke, there lies a fine line of purpose and circumstance.  To frustrate, to maim and to impassion.  To make you who you are meant to be...sedated..."

Words of a poet tossed about by Absinthe, thought and his hookah pipe.  Words written in haze with a tinge of lucidity.  With trouble surrounding his essence he no longer feels a thing.  He no longer allows entrance into his "being".  He remains as he is meant to be...a man sedated.  Sedated by the knowledge that all things will fall into place as they must.  Sedated by the knowledge that destiny is destiny as fate is fate.  Knocking on every door without allowing depression to set when they do not open.  He's become even more resigned.

His Absinthe and his hookah pipe have become the knowledge of truth.  The simple truth that peace will only come from the inside out.  The place where perspective manifests itself into reality.  What will be, will be...acceptance...

Lighthouse In The Wild...

"...leave a little light on in the wild..."

Reflections Of An Honest Man...

You know when the smoke clears and you allow gratitude to set in you can be amazed at what you find.  Faces and lives, some that stay and some that have gone.  Moments shared and words spoken that allow you to see the grace of God in it all. Grace, because you know you are not deserving of such gifts.  Gifts that others would envy.  Gifts in the smiles...in the hearts and loving care that others offer.

I count my blessings in this timeless space.  They have names.  A handful of names too valuable to fit in a "little black book".  They are extraordinary, amazing and phenomenal.  They've called me beautiful, sweets, goober and honey...in more than one language.  They've shown me understanding, maturity, sacrifice and hope. They've come over to share wine and a light touch.  Never being afraid to reveal themselves that true intimacy would be expressed...even for just a moment.  I don't care what happens now...they are implanted in my make-up and I find them beautiful.  I always will...

This is who I am...this is who I will always be...

What Is Familiar...

One night your walking through the streets and you realize..."I've gone as far as I could go in the right direction".  A place where you find there is nothing left for you to do.  A place where you are tired of being "sick and tired".  That place of numbness where all you can do is laugh at life as a comedy riddled with twists and turns.  Where every other door has shut and there is only one door left to enter through.  Turns out, that is the final door that takes you past the finish line.

Looking back, how many times have you been here before?  How many hard tears have you cried because you thought you wouldn't make it?  You always made it.  God made sure of that.  There was always a crack in the window.  There was always a way to slip in unawares.  They are always present yet the question is, "What precedent will you adhere to?"  The one that says "Life is sh*t"?  Or the one that stays hidden amidst the sorrow that says "It'll be okay in time"?

I learn this lesson on a weekly basis but I will admit it to be one of the hardest of lessons to learn.  Through all I've been through...I am still alive.  I still feel.  I still find time to laugh, to smile...to love.  I still find moments of gratitude between the moments of inequity.  I still see faith...and passion...

This tells me something...everything will always be alright.

There's something familiar about this place ;-)

Apollo

Apollo stands at the precipice of his existence and feels the need to live.  The need to love the art that drives him destitute and happy.  The need to arrive at a place of rest where he hears only the sound of his heart beating to the keys of Sati and Bach.  The place of loss...and deliberate gain.  The place where the new face is familiar and beautiful.  Drawn by the heart.  Drawn by the soul.

He will find his place and thrive without vexing his keeper.  The man of honor that has kept him from self destruction and death.  The man that existed before him and grows stronger by the day.  This man will build a house for Apollo.  A house with glass that doesn't shatter and furniture riddled with nails.  A house where Apollo will do his best without hurting a soul.  His lust, his conflict, his passion...is his art.  Apollo will live.  Behind smoke, strong drink and purpose...he will live...

Working It "Out"...

Philippians 2:12 Work out your salvation with fear and trembling.

Consider this scripture and think for a minute.  How does this fit in with grace?  We don't "work" for salvation but we do "work" things "out"...or "outwardly".  From a biblical standpoint, we work "out" what is within and that is all the good that God imparts. 

How does this apply humanistically? 

I have always held to the belief that all externals are luxuries based on all that our internals have to contribute by way of necessity.  The "man in the mirror" that carries weight on shoulders, armor and all manner of pressure is far more important than anything you can acquire outside "self".  That is the "richness" of all you bring to the table.  Even healthy couples need "alone" time because it is this "alone" time that keeps alive the individuality that drew you in the first place.  So find the place and time for this "man".  Build and create castles that can house many but whose main chamber is yours.  Find the art in you.  Find your breath.  Study the workings of your internal clock and fix it until it ticks just the way you want it.  Stare at your innermost until you know "him" enough to present "him" everywhere you go.  Raise "him" right...

Only then, will you find out what you are truly looking for...

A man loses his keys.  He looks everywhere but he can't find them.  He looks in his car, he looks in his home.  Every place he goes...he looks.  Frustration hits and he becomes consumed with those keys.  One day he just says to himself  "Eh, they'll turn up" and he goes about the business of "him".  Without looking...they turn up in his coin pocket...  

All It Means To Me - A Poem by Moe

Songbirds have the night
Clearing up my sight
To see the great called You

Strings of light are filled
With stories all but tilled
In ground that makes it's way

And I rest on her cloud
Taking on her shroud
For all it means to me

~Moses

The Weather...

As the weather changes so does the man.  The warm breeze carries with it warm thoughts of roses, parks and seas.  Holding hands and dancing to heartbeats that sway the dancers side to side.  While the beautiful come out to share what winter has hidden, onlookers gaze to admire.  It's all in the breeze...the breeze that blankets you at night as you sleep.  Causing you to dream with eyes wide open of all the great moments, places and people you've known.  Places like Brooklyn, Queens, Bahrain, Texas and Florida.  Places where the unforgettable took place.  Places the man was made by grace alone.

Hoping to relive them against hope.  Seeking for ways that overtake him by the wind...onward to the next experience.  The hardness of the past becomes funny and lite as the grace he feels has the ability to melt even the hardest of hearts.  Melting the stiffened neck that couldn't look up to see the stars.  Melting the stiffened arms that couldn't provide an embrace.  Melting even the heart that couldn't cry over real loss from so much hurt...now released to mourn and smile through the pain.

Weather has this power over the man...and he's so glad about it...



 

My Friend...

Is too proud to admit he loves his wife.  He cannot say the words after being hurt by her but they are still true.  Yet he doesn't know how to manifest such a thing in the midst of hurt.  He doesn't want to be fooled.  He doesn't want to be punked as a man.  Yet with understanding her humanity, he can find the point to start from scratch.  He can find reasons to excuse her behavior since it was all based on human frailty within her personal framework.  He can make it work with a change of perspective.

This will happen at every beginning.  Doubts creep in because time hasn't given you the luxury of knowledge.  So you make mistakes along the way.  You fail and get failed on.  Creeping takes place and it's all because of the newness of the thing...something that could be overcome. Yet exhaustion sets in if you realize you've done all you can and your partner will not budge.  THIS is when you walk away.  THIS is when you decide that putting aside hurt is not worth it.  This is when you say goodbye.

If there is love, do all you can to make it work but if disappointment has exhausted that love...move forward..  Let it go...

A Break From Me...

To let you know what it means to be human.  It is to fail and accept failure in others.  Usually receiving that same acceptance in return but sometimes...not at all.  Being human, when there is care and love for someone you will in fact inquire about their well being, their state of mind and just overall care. Irrespective of what the situation has prevented from happening.  Irrespective of closed lines of communication that have been shut off for good enough reason.

I saw someones town being demolished by a storm and I got worried enough to reach out...yet no answer.  What difference does that make?  What does all it all mean?  It means I must now see this person as someone I can longer be human to since this has happened more than once.  Not in a hurtful way, but in ways that will illicit the "I don't give a sh*t" response. After reaching out a few times, this is where my sense is leading me to.  To a place where this person shouldn't even deserve a second thought.  It may be callous but it's how I feel when she can't even say "I'm OK".  I would have even accepted a "f*ck off".  That at least would've given an indication she was OK.

In this instance, I have been able to hold on to my humanity through care, prayer and plain old understanding.  Three things that allow you to love from a distance.  This last incident has diminished my humanity in this specific regard and there is nothing I can do to prevent it.   As such, there will now be as yet another measure of "letting go".  I will be human to those that accept my humanity but to those that don't?...They can eat sh*t

The last link in the chain...broken  

Consequence...

You make choices in life and have to deal with the outcome of those choices...consequences.

Sometimes decisions you make create a chain reaction whose end feels like it will swallow you whole.  Like walls closing in that keep you from seeing what's in front of you...and what's behind you.  Everything becoming jumbled and confused.  Like you're in a bad dream you cannot awaken from and that bad dream began with a decision.  I've been here before...

Facing decisions made while very young.  Gasping for air, trying to stay afloat without the shortcut.  Making mistakes along the way and none of this revelatory sh*t making me feel any better.  Yet since I am a man that is able to step outside himself and see all that's happening;  I can chronicle surfacing emotions that come up mixed with fear...I can "tell" you.  I dread the fact I have no "choice" and I have no "choice" because I never manufactured them when I was younger.  My fate suffocates me.  A fate that I drag like an anchor across numerous "finish lines" and even though it's there...I can see no end to my race.

Yet destiny has me pressing on.  Even though I'm out of air and my muscles are cramped up.  Even though I'm an incoherent babbling fool trying to look OK so no one worries.  Even though sleepless nights create days immersed in stagnating fear when I cannot even afford the loss of seconds...I f*cking press on.  Not being able to even enjoy minutes of diversion because in my mind, I have to "keep moving".  A mindset that brings on a self-inflicted isolation. 

Is this description over-dramatic complaint?  Is it too much?  No, it is what I am feeling at the time of this writing and it is something that in like times before...will pass.  I always wrote that I would make myself an open book so that someone going through the same thing will never feel alone.  Trust me you're not.  I'm going through it and while I'm going through it...I f*cking hate it...

Superman...

"...well it's alright.  You can all sleep sound tonight.  I'm not crazy; or anything..."

This song can be interpreted in many different ways.  For me?  It's a song about being perceived a certain way.  You are Superman or "Sman" if you will ;-)  You fly in more times than not saving the day.  Most come to you because they know they will find something there.  Whether it's a shoulder to cry on or a silent presence in the room.  You don't fail, you don't disappoint...you're not human.  To them you are "larger than life".  They come to you for answers and nine times out of ten...you have them.  What happens when you don't?  What happens when you fail?  That's when they see that all they have been looking at is the costume and not the person wearing it.  This is when you can see who is there "for you" and who is there for themselves. 

At the time of this writing, I only have a handful of people that I can truly say are here "for me".  These are the people that check in on you.  They ask if you "need to talk".  Even if it's just once and awhile...they think of "you".  They are true and they will be there for life.  I am thankful...I know I am blessed.  Yet if honesty is my art then I must also say...I am so scared to disappoint.  Especially when it comes to my children.

We will all fail at one time or another.  We will all fall short.  ALL my heroes have let me down except for One.  Yet the knowledge of this should never keep us from allowing ourselves to create environments where those close to us can breathe.  It's "what we do"...do it well

My Candle...

"As an artificial light gleams off my computer screen, there is a candle doing it's very best to remain relevant."

It's burning hotter than usual as it dances to the classics gently playing in the background.  I can see it peripherally as it tries to grab my attention...it's got it.  Yet my gaze is set on sharing what it means to me.

It means that no matter where I go or what I do...it will always burn true.  It will always fuel passion.  It will always remind me to appreciate the heaven within both the art of God and man.  It will always be the second thing I can truly call "my need" for in it...is my solice.  So long as my candle burns...I will always be a man of passion. 

It's 5:10 AM...

And I'm listening to Cinematic Orchestra.  I've played my guitar and have gotten to the place where I can pass out.  Yet it all feels like it's not enough.  I got news tonight in my state that is probably good but when I awake...I will judge it.

Desperation should never be the determining factor in your decision making.  I've always held to that and have managed to always come out ahead.  On a different note...I have people to see and show love to.  They have kept me loved and sane throughout it all yet I have no time.  They have been my anchors...my embraces.  I don't know if it's the beer or the music but I miss them.  Whether I have seen them three weeks ago or it's been two years...I miss them.  That will never change...

I want to show them what they mean to me...

I Think I'm In Love...

With the imperfections of humanity...

2 Corinthians 12:9
"And he said to me, My grace is sufficient for you: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest on me."

You know in all my years I have seen people pronounce themselves strong but let slip out weakness once and a while.  They hide the fact that they are not all together and all the advice coming from them carries a judgemental tone.  To "glory in your weakness" just means that you always remember where you came from.  It means that so long as you live in this world, you understand that you will always be susceptible to your weakness.  Accept them, watch them and find out how to put them on the back burner of your soul.  Even turning them around into a strength.

You righteous...I remember you when you stole and cheated.  I remember you when you lied countless times.  I remember you when you had no answers.  I'm not impressed by the facade but I won't say sh*t.  The people that did all these things may have changed their circumstance but circumstance cannot change the heart.

I am in love with my frailty...it makes me who I am.  I am f*cked up and proud of it because it only means I will never stop improving.  I glory in my weaknesses...

Oh yeah...aleluya

Kiss Goodbye...

"...wish it well and close your eyes..."

I feel the need to write about this song.  A song I've been listening to a lot lately.  It's a very "telling" piece I heard for the first time a bit over a year ago under hard circumstances.  I remember where and when I heard it but looking back at all that has taken place, I understand it more today than when it was introduced to me.

Generically, it is a song about "letting go" of a dream.  A dream that has been planned and worked for.  Desired with all the passion and sacrifice you could muster.  Something you want "badly".  Yet as life would have it, sometimes you miss something in all your planning.  A piece, a cog...something that assists in making everything work.  When you find that piece missing, it's time to rearrange things...no matter how much it hurts.  Otherwise you run the risk of an incomplete and failed dream.  There are pieces of me that are great but there are pieces of me that are lacking as well.  Anyone can tell me "don't be so hard yourself...nobodies perfect" but the only way to really become more than you are is to admit where you are failing in life.  Not as something that obsessively tears you down but as a way to set goals and markers that will support real growth.

I can hope beyond hope that one would focus on the "great" alone but reality dictates "holistically".  The "lacking" can and will exhaust the "great".  I saw that happening in the eyes of someone I loved...it almost crushed me.  There were other reasons why things happened the way they did and those lay buried in forgotten memory but the one that has stayed with me is this one;  I was incomplete.

We both got a kiss goodbye...

What is my lesson in all this?  My dreams are big but there are missing pieces.  I've laid my dreams down until I have everything needed for them to prosper.  It sucks to have to refocus and re-tune your mind but if you really want something bad enough...you will find a way to acquire all that is needed.  Gonna do my best to get all that sh*t now...

Tonight Is Good - A Poem by Moe

My wine, my wine came right on time

It thrilled me, chilled me straight sublime
The kind of trance you need some days
That grabs you in so many ways

I speak no lies of things I love
The hell on earth, the God above
Her gentle touch and care for me
As tongue lands where it wants to be

The pendulum, it's swings extreme
From saintly tones to nightly cream
The light, the dark we carry both
The light of this is called real growth

To see the good and bad the same
And all be due from whence I came
For joy and pain they stand in line
Tonight is good for my new wine

~MAA

She Remembers...

Someone beautiful once told me that many will forget what you say or do but they will never forget how you made them feel.  Hang around this man long enough...you'll understand it too.

She has chosen to ignore it all and do her best to live her life.  She has chosen a double-edged sword whose cut is deep and maiming.  She has chosen to forget for the very same reason she doesn't want to remember...it hurts too damn much.  She cries at times because of the contention within her heart and mind.  She is in love with someone she cannot have.  Not because he doesn't want her...but because he cannot hold on to her the way she is deserving to.  You see his hands never really healed right.  After tasting such a thing; she is right to stay away and she is right to say hello.  The choices left to her.

For the understanding man...there is no confusion.  He knows he cannot turn the sun black or pick at the stars in the heavens no matter how much he prays or wishes.  He knows where his heart is and it has long since surrendered to love.  He cannot nor will he fight it but he will do his best to be responsible with it.  His struggle at times leaves him believing that the best option is to leave it all behind but it's hard to walk away from greatness.  He will always remember those that stand afar, those that stand near and those that are just not sure where they should stand...if at all.

"after coming home late one night, he staggered into his room, took off his clothes and laid next her.  His eyes not fully open, he began to feel her side of the bed and found relief at the touch of her shoulder"

She remembers...

Funny Thing Happened...

On the way to "stability"...

I found it chaotic.  I found it dangerous without set paths.  I found it a place where love and heartbreak are standard.  I found it "insane" where I thought insanity could not reside and I found out that "stability" needs "instability" to even sustain itself for a man of passion.

The one thing that brings me comfort..."I found it".

Stability is not based on your circumstance or environment.  It is based on your state of mind throughout the good and the bad that comes your way.  You will have moments where you "buckle" under pressure.  Moments where you drink yourself silly and even moments where you muster the God-given strength to say "F*ck this!!!"  This never determines your level of strength.  It only determines your level of humanity.

This is life.  Full of "unexpecteds".  So I keep this in mind;  We won't always struggle.  We won't always have to say goodbye and we won't always feel the need to give power to those things that torment us.  If we truly live...we will face it all and the more we face the stronger we get.  Sh*t...I'm f*cking Superman.

Funny thing happened on the way to "stability".  I found it unstable... 

So Much More - A Poem by Moe

the morrow's sun is mine alone

from wreckage blooms what I will own

for what was born to kill the seed

has sharpened points of grace I need

cut me, I have long since bled

most weakness in me left for dead

my skin turned pale from all the loss

for years my back borne heavy cross

a cross of size and shape unknown

yet one I'm sure I have outgrown

but this I bear till He is done

and till I see my blessed sun

for I have yet a ways to go

roads and paths I've yet to know

faces I have yet to meet

softened smiles I've yet to greet

so forward is my pace of late

pushing on right through the gate    

the gate that leads me to the door

with keys in hand for so much more

MAA~

Friday...

Yep...one more time

I read this is party night.  I read this night is about revelry and indulgence.  I read about people f*cking and getting f*cked.  That sh*t don't move me in the slightest.  Well...maybe the "f*cking" thing lol  Yet even then I require someone special.  All in all, give me a good band or dancer to soak in some real artistry or give me a night with someone I know is worthy of me...it more than "satisfies" me.  I don't know if it's age or "seasoning" but since having a family my life has been that of someone that values time and I see no "midlife crisis" looming on the horizon.  Maybe at most I'll get a motorcycle or something lol 

If I give you any time or space it's because I've seen something in you.  I know you worthy of more than even you do.  I see so much in you that is beyond me that I thank my God to have even crossed your path.  I am not shy about my own esteem so seeing you as "greater" means all the much more.  Some take it for granted, some don't give a sh*t and others?...they just have trouble believing it.

I'm not like anyone else you will ever meet...I am who I say I am...      

Nuggets...

Officially blue!!!

Sh*t...

Acceptance...

You ever have a "Zen" moment?  Where you travel to a place of "acceptance".  Where the quiet song overtakes you and your fate surrounds you.  Where you allow yourself time to stop fighting...time to stop diverting.  Like falling off a cliff backwards into the wind.  Where there is no place for you to go but what God has decided.  You hold it off for as long as you can...but "still".  You take it in like a breath and then release the grip you had on whatever kept you from laying down on that beautiful bed called "providence".  This "acceptance" comes after you've raised your head from grief...if you let it. 

Like grief, these moments do not last so make the best of them while you can...

9:37 PM...



I am drunk.  I'm not even speaking metaphorically...I am piss drunk right now.  Why? 

My time gets shorter in this life I've known for the past two years and I am fully aware of all that really means.  We always think the grass is greener on the other side but the truth is...it's all just grass.  Every road has it's own potholes and every direction you take towards fulfillment is difficult.  The people and things you have to say goodbye to with every transition is literally heartbreaking at times but looking at the bigger picture, you think all will be ok in the long run.  You pray these decisions will finally bring you and all those around you peace of mind.  You pray these roads make you a better man.  You pray to God that you learn the new "rules of the road" quickly and that you don't fail to do all you said you would.

That nifty new job with the hefty pay raise helps but it doesn't do it.  The car, the clothes, the parties...all sh*t that serves as a diversion from the bigger issue...you.

I am not drunk this early without reason.  I'm just really hoping that my decisions are right.  If not?  F*ck it...

This Thing Called Love...

I placate my fate with my middle finger as I become a singer of all that is "love".  Sweetened meat to entreat with targeted flame.  Game?  Game is for the sucker whose lips pucker for what he thinks he needs.  He feeds on the heart with his second best part only to find empty.  For me?  Give me insanity to rest my vanity on this thing called love.

If I die when she says goodbye...I'm alive... 

My Hotel Room...



The night has crossed my mind...



Summer carries me home into a beat down hotel room.  The bed creaks as I sit to contemplate the night's fate.  I take off my shirt as I get up to open the window.  The fan oscillating only hot air.  The only source of light; a dim lamp and the clear moon coming through the window.  Dry sweat on my skin as a hot breeze pushes forward the sheer curtains ever so slightly.  My music is hypnotic.  My groove is lucid...I'm hungry and she wants to see me.  It's gonna be a long night...

Sleep Tonight...

You're on chapter 6 and there are still some things that remain unclear.  Within all the suspense and intrigue you forget that some clues were left in chapter 3.  Things you glossed over because you thought them unimportant.  They were always part of a bigger picture but required detailed attention.  Chapter 6 gives you the "what" while chapter 3 was instrumental in leading you there.  Go back and reread what you missed with all your new information.  Maybe then you'll begin to put together this book of anagrams called "life".  Where word and emotion can easily juxtapose at the turn of a page.

I believe that past is passed but I also believe that to dismiss it when it still has residual effects is a mistake leading to repeated failure.  Scars from previous chapters have either weakened me or given me an unbelievable strength and that is worth examination.  It's more than just a lesson.  It becomes part of our make-up.  Creating street lights where they didn't exist a fore time ago.  Listen to the elders that are nearing the closing of their book altogether and you'll find one strong commonality..."la vida es vida".  If you do the best you can with what you have...it's worth being passionate about.

Live your book as though it were a puzzle needing to be pieced together and do your best to find the closest answers you can while it still can make a difference...don't stress it...just live it...

Sleep tonight... 

Her Beauty...

"...may I kiss you...may I kiss you there?..."

I wish I understood more.  I wish I knew all things.  Wishes that only come true when one is old and all mistakes have been made.  Where you look back and begin your sentences with "if I'd known then what I know now...".  That place in time where your chair is your friend.  Where wisdom seldom does you any good anymore...it is now for others.

Tonight I rip off my skin and replace it with the panoramic digital imagery I have of beauty.  A beauty that few actually get to see because they never really take the time to look.  Some get to sleep next to it every night.  They even get to hear beauty say "I love you".  They give nothing but get everything.  Never knowing what they really have...never really caring enough so as to just do "what is required".  The careless try to rob beauties sheen by creating insecurity and self-doubt through sheer neglect.  Where she is then left lonely in a home full of people...now needing to be rebuilt.  I don't know what's worse; seeing it and not being able to keep it...or not seeing it at all.

Beauty is broken and left by the side of the road.  Beauty is anguish at determined greatness that only arrives for hours at a time.  Beauty is hurt and maimed while continuing to hold on to hope for her healing.  Beauty is laughing through the pain and in the process...making others laugh too.  Beauty is self-sustaining under pressure of heavy weight and burden.  Beauty is passionate and knows how to devour flame through release.  Wife, mother, lover, girlfriend...friend.  Titles that do beauty no justice. 

My heart is thankful she can find something in me worthy of her.  I may not be able to keep her but the anguish of such a thing is tempered by what my heart has been privileged to witness...her beauty. 

~Moses Apollo

Inspiration...

Sometimes the door is shut and you try another one.  Sometimes you wait for years for a positive outcome during which time you only see the negative.  Sometimes you never imagine yourself being a parent.

I have friends that serve as an inspiration to me.  Friends that could've given up on a dream, a goal...a new life.  All because it got hard.  Not them.  They chose to brave the storm and wait out the clearing.

I am proud of my brother Denis who today is a proud father.  I am proud of my beautifully strong Yesenia, whose dream of becoming a photographer is coming to fruition.  I am proud of my phenomenal beauty Loreli, that today has dropped her heaviest albatross.

These three have my love in different ways and now even more so...my admiration. 

I always say "It takes amazing to know amazing".  I am happy that it gets to surround me from time to time :-)

Infinite Love...



Of all I know and do not know...internal truths don't change.  They are ever present.  We can choose to ignore them or deal with them and I for one, am never one to ignore them. 

I have chronicled my evolution on this blog.  From a fully surrendered love turned hate into a sober love that found a perpetual home.  I chose my previous relationship as the example because within it, there was so much to glean from.  The good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly.  In my marriage I studied the art of husbandry so as to be the best husband I could be.  In my relationship, through trial and error, I learned that some things that worked as a husband would never work as a "boyfriend" and most gestures often go under-appreciated or even sometimes...un-appreciated altogether.  I could have held on to bitterness.  I could have hated her for all that happened.  Truth is...nothing that happens robs you of a love that's real and strong.  You are glad you got to live in love.  You feel privileged at the gift of passion irrespective of how it ended.

We finite humans look for beginnings and nicely packaged endings but when it comes to real love...there was never really a beginning...thus there is never really an end.  Love, like God...is infinite.  It just is.  So what do we do?  In this past year I have tried drowning my sorrow with all manner of diversion and vice yet nothing began real healing until I just accepted the truth.  The truth that I will always love those that have come and gone.  They will always hold a place for me.  The only thing that changes is where that love "places" in my life through its manifestation.  The man I am can see them all again.  We can laugh and talk about our day.  We can even share moments of intimacy.  The man I am can love without ownership. 

This is what I learned in my failed relationship.  I tried to recreate my success as a married man but failed to realize my partner and circumstance had changed.  I was not ready for what awaited me so I thought to make myself ready and in the process only added more pain to the mix.  A point I refuse to belabor.  After you get tired of staring at all the failures, you eventually begin seeing the successes and when you decide to hold on to that alone...your peace will come.  You get to the place where the memory of the pain can no longer effect you the same way.

How do you keep it sober?  Don't try to recreate it if there were bad times.  The good may come...but so will the bad.  Love may be blind but it's not stupid...

Unbroken Hand...

"Love, it isn't love, until it's passed"

Hold her heart with broken hand

Feign to see the wedding band

For hope has blinded your brown eyes

With fluttered heart come sun and skies

But when the truth of you is met

The core in place unready yet

To better that which used to be

And stand on soil with one made free

And though all beauty yet abound

And passion's horn should make its sound

To build your home in this new land

Would take a new...unbroken hand  

~Moses

Fly Anyway...

What is this thing that makes me dream?  This wind I feel at my back?  Winds that carry with them a heartbeat.  With eyes that see roads I cannot.  With hands that carry me to amazing places; meeting amazing people.  It does not clothe you nor feed your body.  Yet what it will do is feed and revive the part of you that would cry at the sight of beauty.  Opening up the senses that allow us to feel the hands of God within the creative processes of humanity...His greatest creation.

Life and all it's requirements keep us grounded.  What we must eat, what he needs to live and all that keeps us in the cares of this world...the "needful" things.  Some chains are shorter than others but always remember that even if the wind picks you up 2 inches today...you've flown.  See it's value and seek it out.

Even if the chains that ground you keep you flying only so high...fly anyway... 

Her Room...

Intensity, fire, lust and love dominate the glare of such that see right through the very fibers of his being.  Skin that sends chills up his spine when touched.  Lips that graze his own with the tenderness of forever and a beauty that stands on it's own alter.   Released to love him in the moment.  Released to reveal her true worth.  Released...to express what man has made silent.
 
Even if just for the moment, they knew what it meant to be free.  What it meant to feel without reservation or fear.  What it meant to make love with surrendered passion.  He carries her now with him wherever he goes in a room made just for her in his heart.  Designed for permanence. 

No matter what happens now or ever...that love is now made for forever...It will not change, nor will he

In his heart...he now finds true contentment...he now finds true love.

~Moses Apollo

My Father's Heart...



Upstanding man.  Filled with wisdom and a heart God has graced me to call my own.  He laughs...he cries.  He feels every painful evolution, yet still finds the time to lift up everyone within his scope.  Ever smiling, ever assuring.  Disgraced for a time.  Left alone to fend for himself he now finds those that loved him perpetually come out to his aid.  He is a man they knew they could always turn to.  I see them now returning grace for grace.  Only greatness can do that.  Wherever his life winds up...I am proud he is my father.

He is my model...he is my champion...

Open The Blinds For A Bit...

"...I'm drawn to the gravity of love..."

Poet's Song...

"...the hands that build...can also pull down..."

You know he got the cure
You know he went astray
He used to stay awake
To drive the dreams he had away
He wanted to believe
In the hands of love

The hands of love

His head it felt heavy
As he cut across the land
A dog stood crying
Like a broken hearted man
At howling wind
At the howling wind

He went deeper into black
Deeper into white
He sees the stars shining
Like nails in the night
He felt healing, healing
Healing hands of love
Like the stars
Shining from above

His hand in his pocket
His finger on the steel
The pistol weighed heavy
His heart he could feel
Was beating, beating
Beating, beating oh my love
Oh my love, my love
My love 

He saw the hands that build

The hands that build
Can also pull down

Even the hands of love

"Gloria..."

What more can I say...

Espiritu Familiar...

"...El esta condenado a murir por amar demasiado..."

I know a man that sees love as his greatest gift.  From it springs forth the inspiration to stand, the fury to fight and the passion for all that is beautiful in this world.  From that love permeates the need to kiss both sky and skin.  To hear whispers in the silence and see the soul within the eyes of someone that keeps them shut.  Yet as beautiful as it all may sound...it comes at a cost when it is pure.

Pure love requires holistic acceptance.  What you like, what you don't like.  It's all the same to you.  It can be anything it wants to be and you will still remain objective.  You will remain real in your love and the object of your affection will remain free to fail without judgement.  All this requires a lesser grip.  Unfortunately, a grip that will eventually lead to it's loss.  To suffer the loss of "forever" is a heartbreaking experience and when pieces of him are taken, they are taken without return.

So what does this man do?  He looks for "forever" in whatever moments he can find within that which he loves the most...within that which he cannot keep.  Pure love does come at a cost...it's cost is loss   

Evolution...



The evolution of the soul lies squarely on the focus of the chisel.  What has the artist envisioned?  Is the artist looking for form?...or the detail that comes after the form?

For form all externals are chipped away.  For detail, the piece itself is meticulously etched out until all that was envisioned is made manifest.  What do you think hurts more?

You can put away all that hinders you.  You could say goodbye a million times over creating the outward form you want.  Yet when you start looking into the details of your heart, that's when the bleeding begins.  That's when scars are seen.  Left behind by necessity; adding realism and substance to an end result that never arrives.  We are a constant work in progress.

If you have a dream, fulfill it.  If you have a goal, meet it.  If you have an albatross that hangs around your neck...drop it.  No matter how much it hurts, become more everyday.  For you...and for me...

  

Happy Valentines Day

My New Drink

My Valentine has lost it's face
It's pointed arrow left no trace
Of where elixir hides from me
This heavy drink for hearts set free

The drink with just enough for two
This Bordeaux sipped by me and you
Lost to me for quite some time
I've lost it's rhythm for my new rhyme

So mirror now succumbs to light
The purest thing within my sight
For truth has told me where to go
The exercise of all I know

The knowledge of all pain and fear
That comes along with shifting gear
The passion that will skip a beat
That throws you off your steady feet

A few true hearts stand next to me
And help sort through my destiny
They've seen my mirror, love me still
And hold me close with care until

There is no breath in me to give
This is my love, I feed to live
I love to see this smiling face
As I begin all soul's embrace

For born again my eyes have been
To see the truth of you within
The truth of beauty shown to me
That only heavens eyes can see

So mirror, light and love in hand
From truth creates another brand
In every way my truth is true
My new drink is what's in you 

"MAA"

The Smitten

It's the way she says my name.  It's the way her eyes draw me in.  It's the way I'm able to rest into her comfortably and feel at home.  It's the way she drapes her beautiful bare legs over mine.  It's the way she makes me feel completely uninhibited and free.  It's the way her tenderness and care is consistent towards me.  It's the way she sends me her love daily and the way she makes me laugh.  It's the way she looks like me.  It's the way we make love...

Is this the same woman?

No...but all are deserving of all I can give.  They are women that seek more within themselves.  Women that have usually found their greatness unnoticed by those that should.  The broken looking for rest and healing.  I am just as broken.

She is the love of my life.  To her I surrender my body and soul when the moment calls.  She is my greatest muse.  The woman I get lost into...because she allows it.  She has me smitten...   

My Surrender...

"...and you give yourself away..."

My religion is you.  Anger, ecstasy, pain and passion...my heaven's euphoric release.  The breathless anticipation of fear and beauty.  The work of art that is your skin...my cathedral. Your heart...my alter.

I kneel before it at least once a day to receive

all I need to live...

...my surrender...

My Beautiful Book...



As I wandered through streets alone one night I came upon a toy store whose late hour perplexed me.  Walking inside I noticed how this place had a toy for every type.  Shiny and dull.  Clean and dirty...everything that would draw a child's attention was represented in one way or another.

Perusing down the aisles I came upon something different.  It was a book.  A book whose binding was strong, crested with golden emblems.  Yet the pages, from beginning to end looked like they had seen wear.  Pages taped up with scattered burn marks yet all were still legible.  Some pages even had what looked like dried up tear marks on them.  It's wear only adding to it's innate beauty.

As I started to read, all I could think was "what can I find in a children's toy store worth the heart and mind of a man".  To my pleasant surprise, every page had me captivated.  Every page had me sold into the idea that this tome did not belong in this toy store.  It was worthy of being read in times of needed respite.  Given place among poems and faith.  To be read with occasional sighs of relief and sincere interest...to be read.

Thankfully, I'm still reading...

Ouzo...

Amor Gitano.  It is a love planted within an awareness of a morning when she may have to leave.  To love and want with a pain of eventual loss cries out "I may never see you again".  Which only means that each moment must count for something.  Moments that form a link of memories within a lifetime.  We don't remember every minute of the years gone by but we do remember those seconds of laughter, joy, pain and surrender...moments.  Gitanos wait for them like men in the desert hungry for an oasis...even if it just turns out to be a mirage...

"Αγάπη Τσιγγάνων"

There Are Times...

When the purest artistry can capture what you're feeling at any given moment.  A moment in time that can last seconds immortalized in verse.  A piece whose relatability remains a mystery to the reader.  Whose readers twist and turn to find explanation.  This is one of those pieces for me.  One line cries to me...

For Us...

TIEMPO PEQUEÑO

Bebe (La educación de las Hadas)
 

Quién se va,

quién se queda,

a quién le duele más la soledad

a quién le duele más la soledad

si todos los rincones de mi vida tienen algo tuyo.
 

¿Cuál es tu camino?

¿Cuál es el mió?

Dónde se encontraron,

dónde salía.

Anda, deja que te acompañe que no es momento de andar sola.
 

Con lo pequeño que es el tiempo,

quién recogerá el perdido.

Si tu me cuidas, yo me curo.

Mi cura es tu compañía.
 

Deja que te cuide la hada,

tu hada.

Anda, deja que te acompañe que no es momento de andar sola.
 

Mis cinco sentidos son para ti,

mi tiempo para ti,

mi mano para sujetarte a ti,

y mi alegría para que la bebas toda tú.
 

Anda, deja que te acompañe que no es momento de andar sola.(bis)
 

Déjame que te acompañe.

They Closed Their Eyes...

Fanny Ara - One of tonight's performers



Le Poisson Rouge on Bleeker Street.  A place filled with ambiance and people looking for "cool".  This was the venue for tonight's Flamenco event.  The passion was rich.  The dancing, the singing...mesmerizing.  Yet what moved me the most was what I was able to see when they closed their eyes.  I saw souls lost in their art.  Allowing themselves to fade into a form and beauty called Flamenco.  The closest thing to what I truly believe making love should be.  With a flame that will direct you towards "tender" while at the same time building you up into "hard".  Allowing yourself the blessing of "seeing" with your hands and body is to take in ALL of the person your "inner eyes" want to know.  Closing your eyes to what is surface.  Seeing only from your innermost.  THAT is when "deep calls unto deep".  That is pure...that is beauty.

Tonight I saw a few make passionate love through their art form...they closed their eyes...and so did I. 

Florida...

"...I don't wanna die on my own here tonight..."

I've said it before and I'll say it again.  I am the most stubborn man you will ever meet when it comes to pushing for a goal I want to meet in my innermost.  Nothing can deter me.  Nothing can move me from my course.  I don't believe in defeat and I believe that failure is sometimes a necessary evil on the road to completion.  I am perfect for my city.  New York is a town with a heartbeat so strong it keeps you up at night.  It is infinite...a place without end.  Many people survive New York but they seldom ever "live it".  I will live and breath New York.  This is my choice and because of that, I will never see death coming. 

Tonight, at 1:51 AM, I will confess my worry and doubt as to where I will finally land yet I don't know if "landing" is what I really want anymore.  I will be 38 in just a few days.  I'm not moving to Florida... 

Mis Amigos...

"...si me ves llorando mi melancolia...dejame...con mis enredos..."

My friends range across a spectrum from the lightest of light to the darkest of dark and the shades of color cross lines into the extreme.  I relate to all of them in one way or another.  Why?

"To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for you in your private heart is true for all men—that is genius.’’ Emerson

It's more than just genius...it's wisdom

To Need...

The Greatest Thing...

"...The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return..."

What does this mean..."to love".  To love is to surrender.  To place yourself second in the order of importance.  It needs no expectation.  It needs no chain.  It harbors no regret even as it allows you to feel everything.  It's only requirement for breath is a heart willing to bleed for it's existance.  It is in fact...the greatest thing...