Waiting...

"...waiting outside the lines..."

2011

What can I say about 2011?  What adjectives can I use?  All I can say is that for me this year has had serious lows with a few wonderful highs sprinkled in.  Lows that have left scars and highs that seek to heal them.  In truth, this may have been one of THE worst years of my life but in the end I'd like to believe it has served a purpose. 

It has forced me to remember what is most valuable to me.  Life, love and peace of mind through real inner freedom.  Three things that were both stolen and retaken in this very same year.  Three things that seek a new set of wings to prosper and soar with the passion they deserve.  To see my sons grow in strength and grace.  To experience love in the most beautiful of ways with those that find real value in me.  To bleed the art of verse with anguish...and joy as well.  Most of all though, to see my Lord smile at me again.

I look for this in 2012.  More than this...I will go to make sure I have them.  What ship will have me?  I'm about to find out...

The Black and White...



My hands have found hope.  They have found longing.  To touch new skin that devours with perfection and form.  To reach out and touch the face of a beauty so unique...it is meant for men like me.  Men that seek to close their eyes for the purity of heightened senses.  To experience the touch beyond the soul into the spirit...to live...in love.  To give all in the moment and anguish at its' end.  My hands have seen in shades of grey and long for the vibrancy of color and feel...I envy what is mine and as yet to have...

Para Vivir

Muchas veces te dije que antes de hacerlo
había que pensarlo muy bien,
Que a esta unión de nosotros
le hacia falta carne y deseo también,

Que no bastaba que me entendieras
y que murieras por mí,
Que no bastaba que en mi fracaso
yo me refugiara en ti,

Y ahora ya ves lo que pasó
al fin nació, al pasar de los años,
el tremendo cansancio que provoco ya en ti,
Y aunque es penoso lo tienes que decir.

Por mi parte esperaba
que un día el tiempo se hiciera cargo del fin,
si así no hubiera sido
yo habría seguido jugando a hacerte feliz,

Y aunque el llanto es amargo piensa en los años
que tienes para vivir,
que mi dolor no es menos y lo peor
es que ya no puedo sentir,

Y ahora tratar de conquistar
con vano afán ese tiempo perdido
que nos deja vencidos sin poder conocer
eso que llaman amor para vivir.
Para vivir...

In Awe



I stand in awe at the beauty of a creature made somewhere between the heavens and the earth.  An angel without wings so tender...so fragile yet so strong.  With enough strength to fly against the strongest of winds yet so tender as to fear the dread of disappointment.  With a heart fashioned for service and a beauty designed for dominance.   A wondrous enigma requiring discernment to understand.  To understand it is to understand beauty.  A soul worthy of so much....about to soar into clearer skies.  She calls to me in a dream and says "I can..."  I stand in awe...

Dejame...

Te veo y estoy enamorado. Amame sabiendo lo que soy. Amame conociendo mis faltas y mis fracasos. Amame porque lo mejor de mí tiene mas valor de lo peor. Mi hermosa mujer ... eres el cielo. Déjame verte y dar gracias a mi Padre por haber enviado a estar junto a mí. Para aliento, para amor, para consuelo y paz. Déjame llorar en tu gracia, sin juicio ni miedo. Dejame amarte con la ternura que tu te mereces. Déjame hacerte el amor con la ternura y la pasión de un poeta hambriento en busca de inspiración. Dejame ser todo lo que necesita que yo sea. Libérame de mi dolor, de mi hambre, de mi orgullo ... para amarte ...

Dejame amarte ...

Maybe So...

Ella...

Es humana...

Ella canta la canción de las sirenas. Un tono de afinación perfecta que pide a gritos amor y esperanza. La necesidad de un abrazo que calma la tempestad y la hace feliz...y ella canta.
Ella toca su instrumento con una intensidad para el bien de su propia alma. Sin ella, ella sabe que moriras...y por eso...toca.
Ella baila con la pasión de un amor verdadero. Con cada paso culminando en algo eterno y hermoso...y baila.

Ella canta, toca y baila una canción de ella que calientan las fibras de mi ser. La apertura de las puertas que me permiten creer en la belleza de nuevo...para creer en la verdad. Para creer cuando tu me dice "Yo soy el que digo que soy"...para simplemente creer...

Ella es...tan hermosa

Ella es...tan humana

Ella es...arte


** Nota Gracias Sol, Barbara y Cristian para la inspiración de esta pieza

She...

Is human...

She sings the song of sirens.  A pitch perfect tone that cries out for love and hope.  A need for an embrace that calms the storm and makes her happy...and so she sings.
She plays her instrument with the intensity of one that must play for the sake of her own soul.  Without it, she knows she would die...and so she plays.
She dances with the passion of the truest love imaginable.  With every footstep culminating into something eternal and beautiful...and so she dances.

She sings, she plays and she dances a song that warm the very fibers of my being.  Opening doorways that allow me to believe in beauty again...to believe in truth.  To believe you when you say "I am who I say I am"...to just believe...

She is...that beautiful

She is...that human

She is...art


Note*Thank you Sol, Barbara and Christian for the inspiration that led to this piece

Expression...

What is expression? 

Expression is the exhaling of everything inside...everything.  What that means is unique to each individual and event.  Expression in art is the exhaling of a passion towards truth in pieces and form such as the expression in love is the exhaling of passion that takes on the form of soft finger tips...or nails.  I truly believe every soul has a song just as every heartbeat has its own rhythm.  Find yours and let it out before it's too late.  I'm almost there...or have I arrived?

When We Listen

Friday night I was priviledged yet again to go back to that little wine bar and listen to my friend Andreas Arnold play his Flamenco guitar.  I listened as he played an original piece based off a poem that he wrote and had translated into Spanish.  Julia sang the verses as he played.  It was an amazing piece.  To add to that, he had learned the first part of "Vidalita" in a short period of time.  A difficult song I had posted here.  They nailed it.  Julia made it her own and he played giving it the care it deserved.

They are going to Spain for 2 months and I wish them well.  There is no question in my mind that this young man will go far.  You see he fell in love...with passion.  Once that happens, you ache for her, you follow her and you see her to her end.  Once struck with that particular arrow, there is no turning back.  All because he listened.  God bless you and your talent my friend

After his piece I said to myself "There is something special here"...because I listened.

Me Dueles Tanto...

"...que solo soy viento"

"viento llego, viento paso...y como me acuerdo"

Something New...

Enjoy...:-)

The Day After Thanksgiving

It's 12:44 AM EST and it is officially the day after Thanksgiving.

All I have to say is that my mother is an amazing woman and I'm glad we could make this day what she wanted it to be about...family.  I could say so much about her but to give you an idea of the kind of woman she is, she spoke about her death as an extension for life.  That without her death, there would be someone somewhere deprived of some sort of life.  So you see...in her eyes, it would be ok if she died.  It's part of life.  She's not sick or diseased in any way.  She's as strong and sharp in her 60's as she was in her 20's but she will never suffer the humiliation of being bottle fed like a baby at old age.  She has asked God to take her before that time should come...I know He will grant her request.  He has showcased her strength in such a way that nothing less than glory will do...even in death.  That's the kind of woman she is.  She gives her best everyday and the day she can no longer do that, life for her will no longer be worth living.  She is one of my most inspiring of heroines and I'm grateful she's my mother... 

The Day Before Thanksgiving

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  Just one year ago I celebrated this holiday with Jen's beautiful family.  They must've had at least three different kinds of meat on the table.  It was truly a feast and I really enjoyed my time with them.  At that moment, I was thankful to be in love.  Truth is...I'm thankful for it still.  Some people can't comprehend why I still speak as I do given all that happened but that sh*t doesn't matter to me.  All that matters to me is that I got to love someone with unrestrained passion.  Passion that produced pain and pain...that produced beauty.  I will never regret my time with her.  The bad stuff left scars I can't do anything about.  The good stuff still makes me smile at times and yet I can say without a doubt...it's those scars that keep everything in perspective for me when it comes to what happened with us.  She is a chapter perpetually written into my life's book.  A chapter I've read ad nauseum and one that thanks to the scars...I will never repeat.

Yet now, I look back on all that's happened in this year and I'm truly thankful for life and love.  Life...because I almost lost it and love...because it still surrounds me.  The love and care of the extraordinary souls I have been privileged to know and experience.  Those that outshine me yet still see something in me I've yet to truly fully accept for myself.  People that want nothing from me...but me...and that makes me feel wonderful.  Although I still have to walk in mud piles, they remind me that I'm more than that and for that I'm truly thankful.  They deserve all I can give and I will always do my best to give them my best.

We all have things we can point to that should produce gratitude but sometimes we wallow in our own defeated moments.  Ignoring those moments you just chilled with someone great or that deep talk you had with your kid.  Ignoring the good because it's always easier to be upset than it is to be happy.  It's always easier to see the sh*ttiness of life than it is to see those seconds of shine.  Make tomorrow the day that sh*t ends.  Thank God for the good...and the bad.  Without both...we'd be uneven...

So yeah, "today has been ok"...Happy Thanksgiving 

One More...

"...a recipe I long to taste"

For This Day's Listening Pleasure....

Reminds me of what Sixpence used to be...very sweet

Hooligan...

"...not until next time"

He was a sweet and tender hooligan, hooligan
And he said that he'd never, never do it again
And of course he won't (oh, not until the next time)

He was a sweet and tender hooligan, hooligan
And he swore that he'll never, never do it again
And of course he won't (oh, not until the next time)


Poor old man
He had an "accident" with a three-bar fire
But that's OK
Because he wasn't very happy anyway
Poor woman
Strangled in her very own bed as she read
But that's OK
Because she was old and she would have died anyway
DON'T BLAME


The sweet and tender hooligan, hooligan
Because he'll never, never, never, never, never, never do it again
(not until the next time)


Jury, you've heard every word
So before you decide
Would you look into those "Mother me" eyes
I love you for you, my love, you my love
You my love, you my love
Jury, you've heard every word
But before you decide
Would you look into those "Mother me" eyes
I love you for you my love, you my love
I love you just for you, my love
Don't blame


The sweet and tender hooligan, hooligan
Because he'll never, never do it again
And ...
"In the midst of life we are in death ETC."
Don't forget the hooligan, hooligan
Because he'll never, never do it again
And ...
"In the midst of life we are in death ETC."


ETC! ETC! ETC! ETC!
IN THE MIDST OF LIFE WE ARE IN DEATH ETC!
ETC! ETC! ETC! ETC!
IN THE MIDST OF LIFE WE ARE IN DEBT ETC!


Just will you free me ?
Will you find me ?
Will you free me ?
Will you find me ?
Will you free me, free me, free me, free me, free me, free me, free me ?
Jury will you free me ?
Will you find me ?
Will you free me ?
Will you find me ?
How will you find me, find me, find me, find me, find me, find me, find me ?
Oh ETC! ETC! ETC! ETC! ETC! ETC!
ETC! ETC! ETC! ETC!
IN THE MIDST OF LIFE WE ARE IN DEBT ETC!
Oh ... oh ...

I Still Believe...



Her when she says "I love you" even when she doesn't show it all the time.  I still believe that when she holds my hand she's happy mine is the one she gets to hold.  I still believe that when tears stream down her face they're not the crocodile kind.  I still believe her when she says "I care" and cups my face in her hands with the affection of someone dear...and close.  I still believe in love...I still believe in her...I have seen just enough to know that it's all still true...

One day the scales will fall and all will be clear.  One day I'll get to keep an embrace.  One day I'll be who I said I would be and one day...I will have my joy

Jaded and alone...I still believe...

La Flor Del Frio...

Noche en Londres, besos furtivos
tal vez, sois como niños
tal vez, ya descubrís, juegos prohibidos
y hartos de la luna, sentís
por vez primera soledad.

Buscáis la flor del frío
voláis lejos de aqui
hurgando en el dolor
soñáis.

En esa casa de Camden Town
viven dos clandestinos al acecho del amor
-!son esos dos!
señalaban los gobiernos
con la misma mano del crimen
que hoy os da el perdón.

Vuestros versos ya no importan
y no importa quién fue quién
una lápida al escándalo
y esa sórdida pared en Camden Town.

Lejos de aqui
soñáis huyendo del dolor
y lloráis con la flor del frio.

I Just Had To Steal This!!!! LOL

Sometimes
... when you cry ... no one sees your tears... Sometimes... when
you are in pain... no one sees your hurt... Sometimes... when you
are worried.... no one sees your stress...Sometimes ... when you are
happy ... no one sees your smile ......But just try masturbating on
a bus one time & see how much friggin attention you get. Can you pick me up
from the police station?

Indifference...

The dive...just a bee hive filled with honey.  Loss of money and wasted time has me thanking crime I don't need to work for this sh*t.  Makes me think I've blown it.  If only I'd known it maybe I would've done different...maybe not.  Spilt milk curdled, the blonde, the brunette now hurdled doesn't mean sh*t without flame.  It's all just the same.  The same that came for me when I thought to feel the real and found empty.  So if here is a cry for plenty then why oh why call this "indifference" on my pieces list?  Because maybe I no longer give a sh*t if you walk or sit, swallow or spit...if you stick around...or even quit.  Maybe I'm just over it...

We met...

Soft spoken, kind hearted...genuine.  Stunningly gorgeous...a sight to see.  The kind of woman you marvel at.  Not so much from her beauty but because when you look into her eyes, there is evidence of an infinite well of strength.  A well that houses answers for almost any problem.  A well filled by tears that have endured too many winters.  This is the most amazing part of her and what's even more amazing...she doesn't see it fully yet.  Those eyes have drawn me in from the very beginning and now I understand why.  I know to appreciate a woman of strength but when she is strong AND tempered...she becomes a force to be reckoned with.  Way more than a pretty face, a body and a mouth...she is...beautiful

After knowing her for quite some time...we just met today...I'm good with that :-)

To mimic...

What does this word mean in the essence of sharing, caring or need?  It means more than you think...especially when it comes to me.  I was in a situation where I expected my partner to mimic my love and surrender.  It didn't happen...lesson f*ckin learned.  Put your best foot forward and let it be seen as such.  If you get no response...proudly move the f*ck on. 

As for me, I want what I want...not what I need.  Needs in this area are not an issue for me so if I want you, there must be something inside that draws me to you...no bullsh*t.  If I show interest in you it's not for the reasons most boys have.  I have interest in you...in all that you are.  I have no delusions of grandeur.  I won't draw every woman's interest but I can sure draw their attention.  For me, that's more than enough to make decisions.  Decisions I base on responses to the truth of me, not an act, not a trick...the truth of me.   The good, the bad and the ugly.  If you hear all that and still find me worthy...let me see it.  I promise you...you will never see anything like my response to that ever again...from anyone.

I will always hold a separate chapter in the book of your life.  Why?  Because no matter how many different characters I write about...in my book, you will always have one of your own.

I wanted you before the pictures, before the phone calls...before anything you thought cinched the deal.  I saw what I saw and I got smitten...this is who I am.  Take it or leave it...

Scars...

I write tonight about a subject that has had me in a state of limbo...scars.  There are wounds of our past that heal just fine but there are some that leave behind a little bit of an ugly reminder of what we went through.  That scar is there for life and it becomes something that eventually defines you.  It enables the "tweaking" of character to turn you into more or less of what you were before the trauma...before the "event".

For my part, I fall heavy for the scarred.  The internally deformed whether by choice or chance...I fall hard.  I relate and we speak the same language.  The language of experience that toughens skin.  They let me know I have a partner...an equal.  Why?  because I carry many myself...old ones and new ones I see forming with every passing day.  There is one I see forming that makes me too ugly to stay with.  It is grotesque and shows weakness.  It is the idea that I will never go as far with you as you'd like.  I will never be "boyfriend", "husband" or anything close.  I will just be Moe.  Someone you can share an experience with if the heart is where it should be.  To come like a passing breeze that smells like springtime...and then it's gone.  This is my new scar.

Am I looking to get it "fixed" so I can have a normal relationship?  No, not me.  I've come to accept the limitations of emotional surgery...I will find a way to live with this without the lonliness and empty that usually comes with it.

I'm workin on it... 

Libre Que Te Quiero

Hasta que se acabe el tiempo guey,
que se amen nuestros cuerpos,
y que salga el sol,
mil mañanas por oriente,
y mil lunas,
lunas diferentes,
Sigue, sigue,
tu sigue bailando.


libre que te quiero libre,
libre de cuerpo y de alma,
viviendo la libertad,
porque te amo y tu me amas,
tu flor y tu alma.


Sábila, tu te desnudas a punto de volar,
te doy mil besos,
el tiempo se nos va,
asi será,
estoy aqui una vez más,
detras de tu flor y tu alma.


Tu sigue bailando,
libre que te quiero libre,
libre de cuerpo y de alma,
viviendo la libertad,
porque te amo y tu me amas,
yo te amo y tu me amas.


Sábila, tu te desnudas a punto de volar,
te doy mil besos,
el tiempo se nos va,
estoy aqui una vez más,
detras de tu flor y tu alma.


Sábila,a punto de volar,
te doy mil besos,
el tiempo se nos va,
estoy aqui una vez más,
detras de tu amor y tu flor y tu alma.


Sábila, bailando en la sombra con ella,
y asi se ira,
nadando entre tu flor y tu alma.


Sabila, tu te desnudas a punto de volar,
te doy mil besos,
el tiempo se nos va,
estoy aqui una vez más,
detras de tu amor y tu flor y tu alma.


Sábila, bailando en la sombra con ella,
y asi se ira,
nadando entre tu flor y tu alma,


Sábila, estoy aqui una vez más,
detras de tu amor y tu flor y tu alma.

This Time...

I went to a wine bar where an acquaintance of mine was playing his guitar...and one years worth of flamenco passion.  Andreas Arnold is a young man I met at my previous flamenco event and I had no idea this much passion could come from such a young German boy whose only been playing flamenco music one year.  Considering I'm 37, I get to call him that lol.  Watch this man...he professes he is just learning.  If that's the case, then I cannot wait to see him master the art.

As to my time at the bar...lmao  My brother, my ex and I all got f*cked up because Raven the beautiful bartender turned out to be a sweetheart.  I don't get it twisted, I know she was doing her job but she is another strong woman I now have the privilege of knowing.  She smiled and afforded us a good time...even when I could see sadness in her eyes from all she's been through.  She was beautiful...we will see you again...

All in all...it was a good night...

My Funny Valentine...

Filled with perfect imperfections whose tempered care would turn them into perfect perfections.  Whose power and poise would mean the subtle grace and elegance of a tigress.  A beast worth surrendering to fully.  The kind of surrender that has a man worshiping the very skin that houses who she is.  The she that grows ever closer to the even greater she will be.  His hands would find the formations that make them healthy, comfortable...and happy.  His body would be hers.  Every muscle, every crease...every appendage...all hers.  She would protect, she would maintain...she would love as the one and only.  Even if for only just a season...it is worth the pain of gain...and loss.

My funny valentine...

I am...

The melody is silence
You have nothing to say
and your muse has died

The symphony is a hollow drum
It beats the mundane
and you cannot find your muse...she's passed

The orchestra plays without instruments
Empty air unpleasing to the ears
Sheet music only the muse could have provided are now...gone

Oh what pain and anguish is left for the poet with no words...no direction, no touch that lasts.

 
Oh what pain and anguish is left for the poet that cannot see beauty...that cannot see grace...that longs for the meaningful...without the pain.

His seconds mean nothing without passion nor do his daylights inspire.

I am that poet...for tonight

I Hate That This Man Is Dead....

Enough said

Enjoy The Show....;-)

Was listening to this song tonight as I walked home and thought "sh*t, that's true" lol

Vidalita...

"Mi pena es más grande, vidalitá
Porque va por dentro
Y en ella te canto, vidalitá
El dolor que siento

Ya se secó el arbolito
Donde cantaba el pavo real
Ya se murió mi china querida
Ya no la vuelvo a ver más

Ya se secó el arbolito
Donde cantaba el pavo real

Anoche mientras dormía
Del cansancio fatigao
No sé qué sueño dorao
Cruzó por la mente mía

Soñaba que te veía
Y que me estabas mirando
Y yo te estaba contando
Mi vida triste, muy triste

Y te desapareciste
Al despertarme llorando

¡Ay! Un cañaveral
Ya no hay remedio
Para mi mal

You know I listen to this and think "what more can be said that hasn't been said already"..."what more can be done that hasn't been done already".  This piece of art is a testament to beauty that is timeless and near perfect.  It needs nothing.  It wants nothing.  It will never grow old or have to settle for second best.  It's scope will never diminish over time...nor will it's passion.  Those that come to listen can walk out the same way they came in and it will still be sung with the same intensity...the same passion.  This piece stands on it's own with no equal. 

Why?

Honesty

Ananias...

I just got back from a party for a man that turned 50.  We ate, we drank, we had good conversation and there was no pretense or anyone "trying too hard".  Half a century has gone by...and this man has seen it.  Yet if you look at him, you won't see 50.  What you'll see is a man that wants to enjoy life...even if it's in small moments.  He has the look of a man that has seen struggle but somehow managed to raise a family and find some fun in the process.  I watched him as he danced with his wife and read the lesson.  Even after two beers and the equivalent in wine...I still saw the lesson. 

What's the lesson?  Live your life and enjoy the moments you can spare with those you love.  It doesn't matter what happens tomorrow so long as you've done everything you could to prepare for it.  Right now...live.  Right now...dance.  Maybe, just maybe "right now" will make the morrow's plans that much sweeter.

I think I'm getting there...

Happy birthday bro...may God grant you the next 50 lol  I'll dance at the next one ;-)

Do You?...

Oh, I'm a wandering soul
I'm still walking the line that leads me home

Alone, all I know I still got mountains to climb on my own
On my own

Do you love me enough to let me go?
Do you love me enough to let me go?
To let me follow through, let me fall for you, my love
Do you love me enough to let me go?

Back from the dead of winter
Back from the dead and all our leaves are dry
You're so beautiful tonight
Do you love me enough to let me go?

Back from the dead we went through
Back from the dead and both our tongues are tied
You look beautiful tonight
Do you love me enough to let me go?

But every seed dies before it grows

Do you love me enough to let me go?
Do you love me enough to let me go?
To let me follow through, let me fall for you, my love
Do you love me enough to let me go?

Breathe it in and let it go
Every breath you take is not yours to own
It's not your to hold
Do you love me enough to let me go?

Do you love me enough to let me go?
Do you love me enough to let me go?
To let me follow through, let me fall for you, my love
Do you love me enough to let me go?

This song holds so much meaning for me in the way I feel I have to view life right now.  I'm finally "following through" after my "seed has died".  To breathe in a breath and have to let it go becomes more difficult when the air is sweet.  Yet...this is the road I'm on for now.  Sh*t, it's lonely road though lol

Of Her Importance...

Some men are foolish, some men are wise.  The difference isn't seen in how much they know about any particular subject.  The difference is almost always seen in the finding of drawn out lines of understanding when they aren't always obvious.  The ability "to see" is wisdom.  When someone says "I understand" in truth it should always mean..."I see you".

The ability to see this is not something everyone is born into but it is in fact a trait found within the virtue of humility.  To say "I don't know sh*t" means I have a lot to learn and the more I learn...the more I understand.  As a man, I do and feel as men do.  I can be crass and dominantly rude because my "position" as a man gives me a false sense of ownership.  The "I can do as I please" mentality fueled by my testes.  It is our strength BUT it is also the worst of our weaknesses.  To act or speak without thought is considered "manly".  Guess what?  It's also considered stupid.  Where then did I learn how to temper the weakness of my manhood?  By sitting at the feet of some of the strongest women you will ever meet...

All my life I have been surrounded by women that cried in silence as they pressed on.  Breaking barriers through careful calculation and tenacity.  Through a self worth and value that made them infectious and desirable.  Even enjoying moments within their struggles.  Not in crude ways, but in ways that merited genuine tears of joy as if to say "I am so glad for this very minute".  Moments they remember like train stops on a train that has no destination.  This is what I know of women.  This is what I understand about feminine strength.  It is something they must "pull" from the bit of testosterone they have to say "F*CK THIS! THIS SH*T HAS TO GET DONE".  To me, this is always impressive.  To me, this is deserving of life itself.  To me...this is sexy as hell.  I can see you woman.  I know if you are weak or strong.  Not because I know so much...but because I "didn't know sh*t" and chose to learn from some of the best teachers around. 

It is for this reason my sons live with their mother and why I feel all men need a female role model.  One day they will find need to identify their own "real woman" and there is no better example than their mother if she is a real woman.  Thankfully, my ex-wife most definitely is.  As it was with me and as it was something my father understood as well...so do I. 

I "see you" and you don't scare me...

To Sit and Rest...

Easy now...the calm before the whirlwind starts up again...nice video btw ;-)

I'm So Tired...

"I'd give you everything I got for little peace of mind"

Tres Copas De Vino...Original

Tres Copas De Vino

Mis velas me han vaciado mi marca de Bordeaux roto en tres copas...

Mi primera copa se ve y se siente suave, las crestas surco como pequeñas manos lenta y suavemente sobandome. Rítmica, hipnótica y sigue. Uno al lado del otro...ahí mismo. Los placeres...constante húmedo y listo. Tome las cosas con calma....agradable...lento. No hay necesidad de acero ya que mis dedos sienten todo lo dulce. Cada cresta formada por Dios para que el hombre pueda ver su obra a través de los dedos y la palma. La respiración es baja...hasta que

Mi segunda copa emite un bello reflejo de dolor...pero no del tipo que usted piensa. El dolor de la necesidad de alimentar en algo real. El dolor del deseo de ser deseada por la sustancia. El amor al ser amado como se ama el arte...con pasión y fuego. El deseo de ser querido...más allá de su forma. Más allá de su impecable belleza y gracia...en ella y con ella...deseada...deseada para más...en verdad

Mi tercera copa es hermosa, fuerte y de otro tipo. Se parece a mí...pero no lo es. Para muchos, demasiado pesada para levantarla. Para mí...fácil. Me sentaré y admire desde la distancia, ya que ninguno podía levantarla. Para regalarle no cuesta mucho...solamente vino...vino viejo que cierra la mente y te lleva a lugares que nunca has estado antes. Los lugares donde las huellas del pensamiento no puede impedir su magia...es la apertura de las puertas nadie se preocupó lo suficiente para abrir antes.

Bordeaux

Tres Copas De Vino...

"Y te quiero tener...y no puede ser"

My burning candles have me pouring my brand of broken Bordeaux into three glasses...

The first glass looks and feels smooth, the ridges groove as tiny hands slowly and gently stroke.  Rhythmic, hypnotic and still.  Side by side...right there.  The pleasures...steady moist and ready.  Take it slow....nice and slow.  No need for steel since my fingers feel everything sweet.  Every ridge formed by the Gods themselves that man can see their handiwork through fingers and palm.  The breathing is low...until

My second glass gives off a beautiful reflection of pain...yet not the kind you think.  The pain of need to feed on something real.  The pain of desire to be desired by substance.  The loving to be loved as art is loved...with passion and flame.  The wanting to be wanted...beyond it's form.  Beyond it's impeccable beauty and grace...in it and with it...wanted for more...wanted...for real

My third glass is lovely, heady and of a different kind.  It looks like me...but it's not.  For many, too heavy to lift.  For me...easy.  I will sit and watch it from a distance as none could lift it.  To gift it doesn't take much...it takes wine...old wine that shuts off the mind and takes you into places you've never been before.  The places where traces of thought can't stop you from it's magic...it's opening of doorways none have ever cared enough to open before.

Bordeaux ;-)



Moments In Confined Inspiration...

Tonight I ventured off with my ex-wife to a little spot on Mercer street.  Inside this little spot towards the very back we found ourselves a stage.  A stage where three people sat and got ready for their set...sh*t they were amazing.

Flamenco...an art form that requires an uncontrollable passion.  It is all giving in the way you strum every guitar string.  It is painful in it's cry when sung...and when danced, it is one of the hottest things you will ever see.  I watched as Sol "La Argentinita" danced and I was captivated.  To watch a woman pull out from inside of her that "duende" is mesmerizing and the truth that captivates the onlooker is not just the skill behind it all...but the idea that THIS is how a woman should make love to a man.  With intensity and build up.  With pain and fury.  With moments of "come hither" and other moments that say "Get the f*ck over here!!!"  It is all in that dance.  To say I was impressed is an understatement.

Yet above all things that I can say about Sol, David and Mark is this...they are some of the realest people you will ever meet...and if you all follow this blog, you know that goes a very long way with me.  God bless them, God bless their talent and God bless Flamenco...

I was happy to be confined :-)  Now for some wine lol  I think I'm gonna sleep good tonight...

What can I say...

About tonight...

Sometimes you watch a movie and wish your life was as exciting as that.  With intrigue and suspense...a great f*ckin ride.  You see these cats with guns and stolen merchandise.  You see them racing cool cars and always staying one step ahead of the law.  It's bullsh*t.  You see, when things are actually like that, you need to take sleeping pills to sleep at night.  You need to drink to forget that any moment you could be f*cked and you need to do your best to never lose the real man that you are.  The one that would never take such a role.

Sometimes those are the only parts offered...and sometimes you find yourself really good at it...

The only good moment happened outside a Starbucks's bathroom :-)  Yet after all was said and done, I sat at a bar and tried my best to remain entertained...I failed.  I remembered something.  What it was like to come home with someone you love.  What it was like to just sit and watch a movie or a show after the popcorn or entenman's cake was ready.  What it was like to just "be" with them.  With strangers to choose from at a bar, I couldn't seem to shut that off no matter how hard I tried.  It's time to get ready...I have to be moving on soon.  My book is ready but one thing remains.  After that, I'm done...

Good night

Finally!!!...

My book is done...all it needs now is editing and new pictures.  It's finally done!!!  I am excited in the direction I've decided to take.  It's risky but if it pays off then the sky is the limit.  Thank you all to those that encouraged me in the process.  From family to friends.  Millie, Diana, Yesenia, Lynn, Gabrielle, Pastor Debbie, Denis, my prior facebook people and yes...Jennifer as well.

Now that I've got it put together...it's time for phase two lol  OH DIOS!!! ;-)

Flying...Sweet

That's right...the innovators :-)

This is October...

I found out something...

I am loved...  I am loved by people that love me at distance, in closeness, even in "not enough".  They love me even when they hate me because I can't give them more.  I am missed and remembered...I am blessed, not as a testament to how great I am...but how wonderful they are...

I found out how out of control my life really got through the eyes of one of the most beautiful people you will ever meet.  I found out that real family love knows no time or space and that eventually...that love makes it's way to a place of beautiful collision.  I found out that there are people I miss without having ever met them face to face and some I miss...that I have the privilege of seeing everyday.  I found out I have want and need that has lingered in my soul for years unfulfilled.  Something only true passion can satisfy.  I found out that I will "love" no matter what...I will "miss" no matter what...I will "be" no matter what...

And one more thing:  You can have me...but I will never be able to have you...

Yeah, it's been a crazy month

Not Afraid...

It's been a ride...

Guess I had to go to that place...to get to this one

Aleluya Part Deux...

Some people, they just amaze you.  Thier care goes beyond anything you could imagine.  Their love extends farther than you thought.  Their acceptance is as if looking into the mirror of their own soul and their passion...equal to yours.  Wow...what soul could exist in such a beautifully made package...I say "yes" lol

Aleluya

Acompáñame a Estar Solo...

Acompáñame a Estar Solo

Ricardo Arjona

(Translated "Accompany Me in My Solitude")

Accompany me in my solitude
To purge me of my ghosts
To lay in bed without need for a touch
Accompany me in my mystery
As to why we're not together
To sleep without thinking anything will happen
Accompany me in my solitude

Accompany me in my solitude
Accompany me in silence
To speak without words
To know that you're there and so am I...right beside you
Accompany me in the absurdity of holding you without contact
You in your place and me in mine
Like a guardian angel
Accompany me in my solitude

Accompany me
To say without words
The blessing there is in having you and remaining unfaithful in my solitude
Accompany me
To want you without ever saying it
To touch you without ever even touching the reflection of your skin against the light
To think of me living for you
Accompany me in my solitude

Accompany me in my solitude
To calibrate my fears
To poison my memories a little
To love you just enough
And to want you the way I want you
To detox from my past
Accompany me in my solitude

Chorus
And if the lights go out
And if hell is set aflame
And if I feel lost
I'll know that you are with me
With a kiss that rescues
Accompany me in my solitude

Acompáñame a Estar Solo...;-)

The Truth...

Do you know what it's like to be loved?  I mean really loved?  Loved to the point that you cannot fathom someone so great at your side?

I do...

It is humbling.  It is incredible.  It makes me want to be all that they see.  It makes me want to give them what they deserve for loving me the way they do...all they imagine...all the best in me.  It makes me a man...something you can't fake. 

I will be all I said I would be.  I'll do it for me...I'll do it for God in me...and I'll do it for them :-)

Beautiful

Beautiful is how you curl up next to me naked at night.  Beautiful is how blessed you feel to be there.  Beautiful is feeling that tickle in my belly when you cant help but smile about something in me you admire.  Beautiful is our union.  Beautiful is natures way of saying "yes".  It is surrender.  It is sacrifice.  You can't fake beautiful...it just is. 

I know them well and I for one am grateful...

Hablando Del Amor...

"Para matar el llanto..."

Poesia...Brujeria...

Yeah...somethin like that lol

Into You...

Yes...

Consider this...breathing

A writer writes and as he does...he breathes.  The inhale and exhale of the moments "air".  Describing what he sees, what he feels...even sometimes, what he wants...what he desires.  Every word has meaning.  Every word has "breath" or "spirit".  Every word has life. 

To reread a piece is to relive it.  Every line that was meant for you, for me...for us.  Comes back sharp and clear as though it were written yesterday.  When pieces are true...they are timeless and formless.  They fit everywhere and they fit nowhere.  They are specific and vague.  One word means something and the other is meant to have no meaning at all.  The "bi-polar" sessions of a writer are honest even when he's confused...like now ;-)

Compiling my pieces for my book has taken me down a memory lane of drastic emotional extremes.  I feel what I've written and the memory of each breath still has life.  Still has meaning and form.  Something I know will always be true.  Reading them again brings me the vivid imagery I was trying to recreate through verse and most all of them dealt with intensity and passion.  Between yesterday and today I have visited Bahrain, Texas, Pier 17, Gelston Ave and of course...where I am now.  There is so much life in what one writes.  If it is honest...it will live forever...

Into Dust...

Still falling
Breathless and on again
Inside today
Inside me today
Around broken in two
Til your eyes share into dust
Like two strangers turning into dust
Til my hand shook with the weight of fear
I could possibly be fading
Or have something more to gain
I could feel myself growing colder
I could feel myself under your fate
Under your fate
It was you, breathless and torn
I could feel my eyes turning into dust
Into strangers, turning into dust
Turning into dust
 Turning into dust

Angustia...

He bleeds and pleads for the bountiful seeds that come from pain and pleasure

The ripping of his skin, the indulgence in his sin

Watching as she groans with pleasure and pain from the deep

(To keep?...no)

Body heat keeps him warm tonight.  His delight?

Infatuation through penetration

(You will never be the same again)

I handle with care as I breath in your air of lust and fury

Feeling your heart beating faster on my chest as I do my best to give

Show me your strength, take inside my length of passion that knows no bounds

Shout my name in hunger pain that shatters my very soul...

(until I am yours)

~Moses

Written 2/28/2010 ;-)

Damn...them creepers sure do love to prey on them sleepers.  But are they really sleepers or creepers themselves...or are they the keepers of unsuspecting creepers that creep as they sleep and reap on the cheap.  Time knows how it goes to reveal the hoes that lie in the throws of empty flows...and yet I chose ;-) Tick tock tick tock  You dig?

Almost forgot about this one...lol

Monster - A Poem by Moe

Rusted feathered claws as hands
Roams the desert, deserted lands
His eyes held low so he won't see
"All of these people looking at me"

His skin is thick but easy to tear
Charred and burned, uneasy to wear
Looks up to heaven as if to say
"Why, oh Lord have you made me this way?"

My touch is soft but can cause an infection
My voice will receive but is apt for rejection
My eyes can find love in the simplest of souls
But can also see ugly in those very same holes

My choices they vary from tender to flame
Blue, hazel or green, it's never the same
Built by blood and flesh from his bone
A child at heart in a man fully grown

Eager to fly and eager to rest
Eager to beat down the pain in his chest
That all his internals, from black go to white
And when it is dark, the colors made right

The lines in his hands are the same on his face
From hiding so much, these lines have found place
Now to form roads for tears yet to flow
This monster cries out...to let the world know

~Moses

Aleluya

"tu fe fayo
y te traisiono
desnuda ella te atrapo
su luz y su belleza te agararon

y te ato a la silla de tu amor
rompio tu trono y te corto
te corto el pelo de tu fuerza y...aleluya

lo mejor de ti

quise sentir no senti

no te menti y siempre fui sincero

y aunque al final

todo fue mal

estoy cantando esta cancion

que suena casi...aleluya"

Somewhere between this song, these candles and this wine...

There is an answer to the riddle of excess

The place where saint and sinner meet to talk about their day

Before their war begins again

The place where lovers come to share a meal

Before they burn it off with passion

The place where God and the devil met

Before that tree was placed in the garden...

The place between the image and his desire made whole
Before his tounge meets her skin...

Aleluya...

What Dreams Can Say...

You know for a long time I questioned myself.  I wondered how I could be so wrong.  How I could go down a road towards a life that would have been impossible for me to bear.  How could I have been so mistaken in my choice?  It scared me to even think to choose again and made me even doubt the choices I've made up to that point.  Yet after awhile I realized something.  Everything I knew told me the situation was f*cked up.  Everything inside me understood how difficult that road would be but the pure love I felt drove me towards determination in the face of illogic.  I can't be ashamed of that and I can't say I was wrong.  I knew what I had and I was willing to bear it because I thought that drive was being reciprocated.  I thought things would change but they never did.  In this, I was delusional.  Once my delusion became too fantastic even for "love"...it was time to cut my losses.  Folks, I have seen love work miracles.  I have seen love smooth out edges and change the heart into something both can share.  Except that these miracles only work for those that are willing and those that are willing will see the fruit of it...if they are willing to work at it. 

Last night was one of those nights that leave the awakened in silent thought.  I sit here alone wondering what the hell happened and why.  Why did I feel a certain presence and why did I hate the fact it was there?  Folks, what you do in dreams is for you.  When you have the ability to determine what course your dream will take, it is a true manifestation of one's desire and my desire last night?...was to finally be left alone by this thing.

The man I was...the man I am...one in the same.  Now I will only share myself with those I deem worthy of such a man...even in my dreams.

Estoy Boracho...

Y estoy en necesidad.  Quiero absolutotamente nada...  Lo tengo todo y no lo sabia y aunque lo tenga todo...quiero de ti...todavia quiero de ti.  Me ensenaste tu cara...quiero de ti.  Me ensenaste tu corazon...quiero de ti.  Me ensenaste tu cuerpo...y todavia quiero de ti...

Ultimamente...quiero de la cual no ha tenido.  La que me quiere a mi tambien...quiero de ti...

Tocar tu cara con mis labios, tocar tu cuerpo con mis manos y tocar tu corazon con el mio...quiero de ti...

Simplemente...quiero de ti...

September 28...1972

Well what do I say about Millie.  What can I say that I haven't written countless times or recanted to friends and lovers alike about the mother of my children.  One of the greatest loves of my life.  This woman has seen me grow into the man I am...largely due to our love.  She took it all...the good, the bad and the ugly.  We earned our place beside each other and she is one person I would trust with my life.  I have found none to match her strength, honor and sense of self-worth.  Something that is a rare among humans today.  I am blessed to have loved her with true passion, blessed to have seen her grow into the woman she is, blessed that she carries my name, blessed to have fathered her children and blessed that today, I can call her friend...even still.

Take a good look folks.  THIS is what I call...a woman...

Happy birthday babe...may our Lord continue to shine upon you and make this new year a springboard into great things.

Just Because....

amazing artist

Tender Muse - A Poem by Moe

Tender, she has called again
For time and place, the where the when
The newness now awaiting space
To step inside this empty place

Where once abode the new, now old
Where once was bought, now newly sold
Bought back by him to till and toil
This fertile ground, this tender soil

Whose cost required steady strength
And measured value, breadth and length
Of all the seed that he would sow
That worthy love has room to grow

For what was once a vibrant field
Was burned and branded worthless yield
Yet since this tender looked his way
He found the strength and worth to pay

Such tender beauty branded new
Would find his inner strength so true
And bring to life the man he was
To work the field of worthy cause

So tender planning he proceeds
By slowly pulling out old weeds
Those left behind by worthless yield
Have lost their claim to worthy field

And as for she, this tender muse
The day will come when she will choose
A field whose worth will match her own
To yield back love that she has sown

And when that land has born much fruit
Retaining strength from branch to root
Maybe he will bring to use
This brand new seed for tender muse

~Moses

I Didn't Know...

When I set out this road to single-dom I had no idea what it would take to be "single".  I really thought it would be easy.  I thought I'd just be able to pull a switch and turn into someone that didn't think about consequence or another person's feelings.  I find myself now looking back at hearts I've left behind.  Beautiful souls that stay with me still but sadly know that I will never be more than what I am to them right now.  Some are okay with it, others...not so much.

Today's single life demands that you not give a sh*t about feelings, age or maturity.  You have to get "it" wherever and whenever you can.  With whomever is available and half-way decent.  Diseases and mental issues are an afterthought; two things a condom and a 3AM escape will fix right up.  A mindset that is no mindset.  It's just the "now" attitude that is driven by a selfish desire without thought or reservation.  It is something a man or woman of conscience has a very difficult time with and I for one, refuse to sucumb.  I am very far from being a prude yet there are boundaries I will not cross.  My cup carries so much in it that I will always be in a position "to know better" and being the man that I am...to that I will stay true. 

To some my way will be counted as "old" or "outdated" but I could give a sh*t.  I live and breathe in a world called "responsibility".  It's a grown up world where you live on your own.  You take care of yourself and those you are responsible for.  You carry lives on your shoulders making them like boulders strong enough to take on anything thrown at you.  It's a world where you are held accountable for your actions...now...or even later.  It's a world of men and women that do what they must to live as honorably as they can.  At most...in character.  It's what keeps our children looking up to us.  It's what makes our parents proud.  It's what you admire...

I choose to live eternally as a man of honor than to exchange it for anything temporal...even if I seem to "miss out"...later   

Por Tanto Amarte...

Por tanto amarte

Because I loved you so much
rebalsé al corazón un día de invierno

I poured out my heart one winter day
un charco de lágrimas mojó mi soledad

A puddle of tears drenched my lonliness
por tanto amarte me olvide de mi.

Because I loved you so much I forgot about me

Por tanto soñarte

Because I dreamt of you so much
un día desperté y vi tu ausencia

One day I awakened and saw you were gone
en un lado izquierdo de la cama que no se arrugó

On the left side of the bed where there were no wrinkles
por tanto soñarte me olvide de mi.

Because I dreamt of you so much I forgot about me

Por tanto buscarte

Because I looked for you so much
resulté siendo yo quien no me encontraba

Resulted in me not finding myself
me quedé perdido en la calle de la tristeza

I stayed lost in the streets of sadness
por tanto buscarte me olvidé de mi.

Because I looked for you so much I forgot about me

Por tanto pensarte

Because I thought of you so much
me quede sin razones para olvidarte

I was left without reasons to forget you
me dejaste con llave de la puerta de los futuros

You left me with a key to the door to a future
por tanto pensarte me olvide de mi.

Because I thought of you so much I forgot about me

Por tanto amarte, por tanto soñarte,

Because I loved and dreamt of you so much
por tanto buscarte, por tanto pensarte,

Because I looked for you and thought of you so much
se me fue la vida

My life escaped me
y ni cuenta me di.

And I didnt even notice

En noches de frio

On cold nights
es recurrente la interrogante

The questions are recurring
si a valido la pena esperar a que regreses

If it's even worth waiting for you to return
por tanto amarte me olvide de vivir.

Because I loved you so much I forgot to live

Por tanto amarte, por tanto soñarte,

Because I loved and dreamt of you so much
por tanto buscarte, por tanto pensarte,

Because I looked for you and thought of you so much
se me fue la vida

My life escaped me
y ni cuenta me di.

And I didnt even notice

Por tanto amarte he resignado a vivir solo

Because I loved you so much I am resigned to live alone
tu espacio vacío nunca nadie lo llenará

The empty place you left no one can refill
aunque por tanto amarte

Yet even though I loved you so much
me olvide hasta de ti.

I even forgot about you

Damn this man can write!!!

Moments In The Fall...

Just one year ago he slept beside the one he thought would be the love of his life.  Now to reach over and find "empty" as the night air carries a sound...even a silence.  Even a whisper of "good night, I love you".  There is no hate in his heart, nor is there sadness.  Only the memory of moments in the Fall.  Where he savored the idea that he could love this one so much.  Where he finally came to realize that whatever moments he had left with her...had to mean something.  Where he knew...they had an end...

"Night air growing cold
His solice getting old
Yet pride's left to deceive

This man he faced reflection
Heard sweetly laced inflection
Of she who had to leave..."

The Flame Undying

There she is...that flame untamed by wisdom and all manner of "right".  She taunts and haunts me at night when I'm alone...stripped down to the bone.  Thirsty for water, hungry for food.  That aimless desire that dictates my mood.  Awake to feel as I heal from everything dead.  Her color?  Red and black but sometimes white only cause it "feels" right...doesn't make it so.  I grow to know this flame has no name or face to place the chase it generates...but I look anyway.  I am a fool.

The road to her is boundless within boundaries, unlimited within limits and undying...among the dead.

Just Listen...

Now tell me what you're thinkin ;-) 

"Cheer Up Kid!!!" :-)

Awesome words to me...words of my father.  Words I have used on my own children for years.  My two boys and their lives outshine any and all manner of storm that comes my way.  Their hearts and how they feel put into proper perspective all the little bullsh*t that causes me pain.  All that sh*t fades in the light of my ultimate calling..."father".  I remember why I never cry over spilt milk.  They jar my memory to recollect that there are so many more important things in life that require my energy and attention.  Being a good father is top among them.  We try so hard as parents not to repeat the mistakes of our own but my father didn't make many and I truly thank my God for such a gift.  Tonight, I thank God so much that he gave me someone that showed me how to be there for my own.  Not just to be someone that makes sure they have a meal every night but much more than just that...someone they could always turn to.  Someone that offers guidance without judgement.  Truth is I could never judge my own because doing so means I would judge myself.  As young as I am, my memory is still fresh as to how stupid I was at their age lol  How could I judge them for being just like their dad lol  My babies are growing up and I remain a proud father...even when they fail.  I am raising men...to be men.  It is truly an awesome endeavor.  Wow...

This is one of the main reasons I always say..."I am 37 going on 65" ;-)

Aftermath...

Well now, somebody I found to be very endearing wanted to know the aftermath of a situation she comes across on a regular basis.  What situation you might ask?  When an ex decides it "right" to send flowers to a past flame on their birthday.  Something I've continued to do for my ex-wife...even after being divorced for two and a half years.  She doesn't like flowers but it's my way so she gladly accepts them and says "thank you".  On this occasion for my ex-girlfriend...yeah that didn't happen lol

I decided "well, why not send something Jen's way".  I know she normally doesn't get anything like this on her birthday and given that I've been feeling better about my place in our past, I thought it the right thing to do.  I expected nothing back.  I expected no "thank you", no phone call, email or text.  Again...I expected nothing.  I even thought she might receive them and given her state of mind, probably set them on fire.  Even posting pics of the blaze on facebook to prove how "strong" she is in a "Thelma and Louise" kind of way lol  That probably would've been cool but...yeah that didn't happen.

I get a call from the flower shop telling me that she rejected the flowers...blow number one.  Blow number two came later when I find out that the rejection came with a message attached saying that I was her "ex-husband" and that I had gone "coo coo".  Yes, the word "coo coo" was used in the message lol  To reject the flowers that were simply meant as a token of good will is f*cked up on it's own BUT to add an implication that I was harassing her by sending her flowers on her birthday is beyond the f*cking pale.  I know that game and I don't play that sh*t.  On top of all that...when the f*ck did we get married?  Sh*t...I must've missed that.  I could hear the complaint now; "he sent me f*cking flowers...what an a**hole!!!" lol  Now it sounds like I'm making light of it but the truth is that writing about all this is cathartic.  As a result, I can appreciate the humor associated with it but when it happened I can tell you that I truly felt crushed and humiliated.  It hurt like you wouldn't believe...really.

You see folks, I know I did the right thing.  That's all I wanted to do.  It was never an attempt to get her back or even reach out.  It was a gesture for someone I once cared about on her birthday with no agenda associated.  I'm not an a**hole.  You see we ended well but what happened afterward was just so asinine that we couldn't continue communicating.  I won't air all the sh*t but in any event, that does not change who I am.  My previous post remains because it is the truth.  Now I can allow this event to bring back all the resentment I felt or I can take it as a lesson learned.  What did I learn?  To simplify this boys and girls...stay true to who you are.  Send your flowers, write your poetry.  Do how you do but don't be a fool.  Expect every scenario...even ones that make no f*cking sense at all.  Guard your heart from disappointment and as my "real" ex-wife likes to say..."stay classy" lol

Onto my next agenda...Moe 2.0 ;-)

Oh and just for the record...this was the message I sent with the flowers:

"The field of green goes unseen by eyes that age as tender memories hide.  Drowning moments past creating faint echoes of what was...yet promises of men remain.  Not for gain or malice but for honor and care.  For absent, silent love and passion that has no home...or place in time. I will always remember you on your day.  Happy Birthday Jennifer...be blessed"

Yeah, I know what you're thinking..."what an a**hole" ;-)